Dude Who Cant Stop His Staff From Buying $140,000 Doors Thinks He Can Disarm North Korea. (Ferret)
I've said it before, folks, but SHIT BE CRAY. A few short days ago, Nunberg-Mania was running wild, and now I can't even remember the sad fucker's first name.
Let's wade into the fever swamp, shall we? (With links at: http://showercapblog.com/dude-cant-stop-staff-buying-140000-doors-thinks-can-disarm-north-korea-makes-sense/)
My friends, I am running out of tears. First, Roy Moore passed the hat around, for he cannot even afford bus fair to the mall anymore. And now? Now, poor, traitorous Michael Flynn has been forced to sell his house in order to pay all the legal bills he has accumulated as a result of betraying his country. Have you tried asking Turkey for money, Mike?
A Special Counsel found Kellyanne Conway had committed multiple violations of the Hatch Act, for which she will not be disciplined at all, because the executive branch doesn't want anyone to get in the habit of applying the rule of law where they're concerned.
What's really fun about this little episode is how the Shart Administration appointed the Special Counsel, presumably at significant expense, to investigate the matter, and then just decided to piss on his findings.
What a shitty way to set taxpayer money on fire! C'mon guys, we should at least get a really nice dining room set, or a trip to Wimbledon, or a super-rad soundproof booth out of it!
Seems somebody on the House Intelligence Committee, someone who may or may not partake of the odd act of recreational porcine copulation, has been leaking closed-door testimony to the Velveeta Vulgarian's right hand thug, Michael Cohen.
Devin Nunes is basically William H. Macy in the last act of FARGO right now. Everything's spun farther out of his control than he ever imagined was possible, and he's frantically scrambling for some Deux ex Machina deliverance from the consequences of his actions.
People poke fun at Dorito Mussolini for all the "executive time" blocked out on his schedule, but I think he's busier than we give him credit for. Shit, he's got all that witness-tampering to catch up on, for starters!
Yes, the Failing New York Times reports the Candycorn Skidmark has been pestering those who've testified before the Mueller investigation, just, y'know, wondering how it went, and IF YOU BETRAYED ME.
"You didn't mention the treason, did you? Don't tell them about the treason! Also, tell everybody that Salma Hayek calls all the time, but I turn her down because I don't think she's all that hot anymore."
Oh, and this George Nader weasel who's cooperating with the Mueller probe seems to be filling in the gaps about that shady January 2017 Seychelles meeting between Celebrity Mercenary Erik Prince and a Putin Pal.
I imagine Erik will be investing heavily in Republican House races this year, because it sure fucking looks like he lied to Congress, and he really needs to keep that gavel in ol' Pigfucker Nunes' congealed-bacon-grease-crusted hands if he wants to stay out of jail.
So, the President is being sued by a porn star, because of course he is. There are all sorts of sordid details that I'm not going to get into here because A) You've already heard them and B) I don't want to think about that guy rutting.
And C), most importantly of all, the REAL takeaway here is that THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES PAID BLACKMAIL. Which makes him an unthought-of security risk to our whole fucking country. My god, if Stormy Daniels can do this to him, Putin could probably make him bark like a dog on CNN if the fancy struck him.
In the midst of all the porny stuff, you could be forgiven for not noticing that tiny little story floating around where Commander of the U.S. European Command Curtis M. Scaparrotti says "Oh, that thing where Russia attacks our elections? Yeah, we're basically doing jack shit about that."
And then you're like, "Oh right, our President has a number of diverting sexual misadventures and is also simultaneously refusing to defend the country from an ongoing assault by a hostile foreign power, how unusual!"
Gary Cohn, the last high-ranking White House official who could tie his own shoelaces, resigned after failing to talk his pudding-brained boss out of starting a trade war. Cohn's tenure was promptly eulogized as "You stood by him after the Very Fine People thing, THAT'S your legacy, nobody thinks you're brave for quitting NOW, Gary."
President Spit-Jar-at-an-Orange-Crush-Tasting finds all the stories about staffing turmoil quite unflattering, and insists that he has all kinds of rats lining up to climb aboard his sinking ship.
Why, look at all the applicants lining up for Gary's old job!
Hark! Hipster Huckster Hope Hicks Hacked!
Yes, on her way out the door, the Presidential Security Blanket told House Intel one of her e-mail accounts was hacked, but oddly the recent focus on electronic security seems to have been dropped now that it isn't needed as an anti-Hillary cudgel. HUH.
Turnout in the Texas primaries was encouraging, and we have our Senate match-up: Ted Cruz vs. Not Ted Cruz, Which is Honestly Good Enough, Right?
(Actually Beto O'Rourke is the right man for the job, I'm a big fan, and you should give him a few bucks if you can spare it.)
Cruz launched his general election campaign with an ad attacking Beto for changing his name to fit in...which is amusing coming from a "Ted" whose real name is "Rafael." It's like if Pee Wee Herman cut an ad saying "My opponent jacks off in movie theatres."
In coming weeks, expect Cruz to hit O'Rourke for his "phony preacher's cadence," his "exceptionally punchable face," and the way he "rolls over submissively to a man who insulted his own wife and father."
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III headed out to California, like some Goober Bigot Clampett, to yell at the locals for refusing to transform into the Mediocre RageYokel Police State of his wettest dreams.
In pimping his beloved ICEtapo, Ol' Beau even went so far as to invoke the Civil War, popping what I can only assume was the final creaking, dusty, boner of his shitty, misbegotten life.
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos swung by Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, I guess because she imagined a blink-and-you'll-miss-it photo opp with a ghoulish, out-of-touch, autocrat was just what those traumatized kids needed.
Anyway, Betsy laid a wreath, held a wee press conference just long enough to demonstrate the speed at which she'll flee tough questions, and quickly scampered back to the bubble that's provided her with life's every privilege and comfort without demanding so much as a single afternoon's honest work of her.
Despite losing his security clearance, (and a conspicuous lack of diplomatic training/experience/respect) Jared Kushner was dispatched to Mexico to smooth things over. I confess I'm curious who imagined that was a good plan. Oh, and for good measure, he didn't let the actual Ambassador to Mexico tag along with any of her pesky expertise.
Fortunately, Shower Cap has spies everywhere. I've obtained the following EXCLUSIVE TRANSCRIPT of the Boy Blunder's conversation with Mexican Foreign Minister Luis Videgaray:
JK: So, we'd really like you to pay for this wall thing.
LV: Yeah, we're not gonna do that.
JK: C'mon, it's only $20 billion or so. It'd really calm Dad down. (Don't tell him I called him "Dad," by the way.)
LV: Sorry, the answer is still no.
JK: Please?
LV: ...no, now about these tariffs -
JK: Pretty please?
LV: Mr. Kushner, we should move on to more productive topics, why not -
JK: Ok, I shouldn't do this, but I'll tell you what: if you guys pay for the wall, I'll let you in on a sweet Manhattan real estate investment opportunity. For just 300 billion, you can -
LV: You know the way out, yes?
JK: ...I do.
Speaking of morons in over their heads, somebody should tell Rick Perry, the Smart Guy Glasses aren't working. Rikki Tikki Tavi lamented the immorality of pushing renewable energy, because he thinks there's a binary choice between burning fossil fuels till we choke and huddling in caves, begging the Rain God to favor our crops. He's the Secretary of Energy, by the way. Sleep tight.
KKKris KKKobach seems to be making an ass of himself in court, defending one of his shitty voter ID laws from the ACLU. It must hurt poor KKKris, being so bad at the one thing he loves most. He's like, the Florence Foster Jenkins of voter suppression.*
Precious Paul Manafort pleaded not guilty to his latest indictment, and everyone believed him SO HARD. The judge said, "Good enough for me, you got an honest face, kid," and threw out the charges!
...just kidding, the trial's set for July.
Lil' Donnie Two-Scoops officially announced his precious tariffs, but after insisting he wouldn't back down, he backed down and exempted Canada and Mexico and also said other countries could negotiate their own exemptions.
You know he's got visions of being hailed as the Patron Saint of Dealmakers dancing around in his fat, experimental-hair-tonic-addled, head, but the rest of the world is already promising retaliatory tariffs of their own, and the only "deal" anyone is going to offer him is "We'll stop when you stop."
And all the suffering and loss of wealth that takes place in the interim? Don't fucking look at me, I voted for the grown-up.
I tell you what, folks, the All-Night Drumpf Cabinet Grift Disco DOES NOT STOP! Ryan Zinke, in a bid to reclaim the coveted Golden Toilet Seat (Signifying "most frivolous waste of taxpayer money"
from Dr. Ben "I don't sit in no peasant chairs" Carson, decided there was no finer use for $139,000 than a shiny new door for his office!
I gotta say, I'm curious as to just what a six-figure door looks like. Best be some Lorenzo Ghiberti shit.
And now I see Kim Jong Un has invited Littlefinger over for an Assclown Summit! They can talk about hair care products and having family members murdered!
Seriously though, the horrifyingly repressive monsters of the North Korean regime have played Donnie Dotard's ego like a fiddle, and he's giddily giving them the legitimacy they've always craved. Nice work, genius.
Fuckhead was all proud of himself, too. Popped his head into the briefing room earlier to boast about the pending news, like a toddler who finally shit on the floor instead of in his pants.
Anyway, if the Poo Mistake does wind up in a bilateral meaning with Un, expect him to barter away half the Pacific fleet, and probably Hawaii. But oh, you won't believe the shininess of the beads he gets in return!
Ok. I'm pretty sure I missed a couple things today, lots on my plate. Forgive me, Shower CapTives, I'll be more thorough soon enough!
*Second FFJ joke in Shower Cap Blog history! You know I'll be searching for more...
= new reply since forum marked as read
I'm happy!
Well, to see you, I am. And to read your amazing prose, as usual.
Just tonight, I was feeling metaphorically nauseated about all this shit that goes on every single day, forever.........Some days I'm afraid we'll never be rid of all this mess.
~sigh~
You do make me laugh and that is a big help.
Thank You.
This is all Putin’s design.....gotta get some more of that oil to nk ....
Can anyone actually believe South Korea made the announcement ....in front of the White House....
The most embarrassing spectacle I have ever seen.
"Velveeta Vulgarian", "Dorito Mussolini", "Candycorn Skidmark", etc... 
Great article! Thanks for the laughs!
"Velveeta urinal cake".. 
smirky!
Good to see you! Hope you are doing well! 
lol Your name cracks me up!
I'm doing alright.. Hope you're doing fine.. considering!
You know what needs to happen now.
Here she is -- yes, singing the Queen of the Night aria from Mozart's The Magic Flute:
I offer only the best for you. And like the Shartcannon, when it comes to FFJ, this is regretfully the best.
Kind of adds insult to injury, or injury to insult. Not sure which at this point.
My best to you. (Whatever you do, do not mention sea lions!!!)
“....someone who may or may not partake of the odd act of recreational porcine copulation...”
Yep I sure did, I’m quick like that!!
Pls pls pls (as the kids say nowadays) *take good care of yourself* so your poor weary brain can keep coming here to delight our poor weary brains time and again. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLS
Meanwhile, we all have our favorites, and mine will always be
Circus Peanut Broderick Crawford
