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TheFerret

(626 posts)
Wed Mar 14, 2018, 11:13 PM Mar 2018

Another Day in the Eye of the Shitstorm, But Between the National School Walkout and Conor Lamb

Y'know, I figured I'd take a couple days off, detox from the never-ending cray-cray news infusion. I come back and find both Toys R' Us and Stephen Hawking died? What the fuck? I CAN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR TWO FUCKING DAYS, CAN I?

(Anyhow. Post is available, with links, on my lil' ol' blog site, http://showercapblog.com/another-day-eye-shitstorm-national-school-walkout-conor-lamb-suns-peeking/)

Only in this Monkeys Forever Throwing Shit at the Wall administration can a dangerously incompetent buffoon who's been recklessly undermining the nation's strength and security FINALLY lose his job, and somehow everyone's left worried things will get worse.

Yes, Low-T Rex is out at Foggy Bottom (Saying "Foggy Bottom" instead of "the State Department sure does make me sound all fancy, doesn't it? Like a real fuckin' pundit, not just some jackass in a superhero bathrobe telling poop jokes.) to be replaced by Mike "Just as Unqualified, But a Reliable Yes Man" Pompeo, so yes, there's still further to fall.

Yet again, because his unnatural orange hue fades to yellow around the belly area, Tangerine Idi Amin was not man enough to fire Tillerson face to face, opting instead to simply announce the personnel change via tweet, and let Rexy figure it out for himself. It's amazing that a guy can be that cowardly and still imagine he has what it takes to get North Korea to disarm, isn't it?

Of course Weefinger McGillicuddy lied about even this, and when an official at State called him out on the lie, well, that guy got fired too, probably via a folded up note Donnie had Stephen Miller slip under the door while everybody was on their lunch break.

For extra fun, sources say General John Kelly told Tilly "Hey, be on the lookout for a special tweet just for you, Rex!" and Rex got all excited because he thought he was getting a surprise party at Dave and Buster's but he got fired instead. I'd be sad for him if he wasn't such a destructive asshole, but...he was.

With Pompeo moving over to State (Or "Foggy Bottom," wink wink), you're probably wondering who'll be taking over his old gig, heading up the CIA. After all, it's getting pretty toough for Team Shart to attract top-level talent, like asking people to step on an elevator after the cable snapped and it's rapidly plummeting to the bottom of the shaft. While on fire. With disco-period Rod Stewart playing on the loudspeakers.

But never fear, we've found a candidate who not only oversaw a secret CIA black site where horrific acts of torture took place, but also destroyed the video evidence! Yeah, Gina Haspel will fit right won't she? Jesus fuck. It's only a shame Charles Manson died so recently, I'm sure he would've been shortlisted for this post.

Speaking of staff turnover, Fat Q*Bert's personal assistant, John McEntee, got fired, and in fact, booted from the White House without even his coat, because he's being investigated by the Department of Homeland Security for "serious financial crimes." For the life of me, I can't imagine how "serious" your "financial crimes" have to be before DHS gets involved, but Mr. Manatee is surely lucky that Reince Priebus no longer works there, because you know he would've snatched up that sweet coat in the chaos.

Of course, the criminal history won't be an obstacle in John's new gig, on the Committee to Reelect the Poostain, or whatever they're calling the campaign. He'll be joined by Katrina "I am a Lunatic Who Wears Bullet Necklaces" Pierson, who is a lunatic who wears bullet necklaces.

Getting back to our Cabinet o' Crooks, remember when Ben Carson proclaimed himself to be shocked, SHOCKED that some villainous underling ordered a lavish, $31,000 dining set for his HUD office? Well, you may want to sit down (ideally on a chair costing more than five grand, but y'know...make do with what's handy), but the fellah who has a painting of himself chillin' with Jesus LIED TO US.

Yep, turns out that while Dr. Ben is totally lacking in anything resembling qualifications to run HUD, he's super good at picking out ridiculously expensive furniture to piss taxpayer money away on! Thanks, Doc! We didn't want to repair any dumb ol' bridges or anything with that money!

Rumors a-plenty regarding further staff changes...swapping David Shulkin for Rick Perry? Jeff Sessions for Scott Pruitt? H.R. McMaster for Bloodthirsty Mustachioed Psychopath John Bolton? HOW IS IT THAT WE CAN BE REPLACING THE SHITTIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WITH EVEN SHITTIER PEOPLE? DOES HE POST JOB OPENINGS EXCLUSIVELY IN PORT-A-POTTIES?

A federal judge says Paul Manafort faces up to 305 years in prison for his money launderin' and tax evadin' and whatnot. Wow. 305 years. I've watched enough OZ to know that if he spends any significant chunk of that in the gym, he's gonna be fucking JACKED when he gets out.

Roger Stone may've gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar, as WaPo reports he was bragging to his buddies as early as spring of 2016 about how Wikileaks had been snooping around in John Podesta's (digital) drawers. Stone insists this is all the fakest of gnus, and coming from a dude whose mantra is "Admit nothing, deny everything," we're all super convinced, we promise.

Aw hell, now Stormy Daniels' lawyers are hinting at a sex tape? GROSS. In unrelated news, I'll be launching a series of Shower Cap branded barf bags & buckets, with a launch time coincidentally coinciding with the hypothetical tape's release. Operators are standing by.

Coming soon to a multiplex near you, a special Midnite Double Feature: JAGOFFS GETTING SUED!!!!!

You'll marvel!!! As the lying propagandists of Fux Nooz finally face consequences for exploiting one family's tragedy for ratings and disinformation!!! See Seth Rich's parents stalk the reprehensible asshats who slandered their murdered child for the sake of a ridiculous, entirely fabricated conspiracy theory!!!

Then, if you DARE, stay for our second feature!!!!

You thrilled as he was vanquished by Yogurt!!! You oooed and aaahed as he lost custody of his children for being for being a hate-mongering lunatic shitsack!!! Now revel!!! As Doughy RageGoon Alex Jones gets dragged through the courts for accusing a random guy of being some sort of sinister deep state operative!!!

IN STUNNING 3-D FUCKHEAD-O-VISION!!!!

I see one of the dicktumors who submitted a pitch to build Shart Garfunkel's Big Stupid Useless Wall got himself arrested for bombing a mosque. Tell me more about the "economic anxiety" animating this movement. I'm all fucking ears.

An ICEstapo spokesman resigned because he was tired of lying for shitty racist turdweasels. Somewhere, in the Saddest Bar in the World, Sean Spicer heard this news and cried in shame until he was thrown out for making the other customers uncomfortable.

In a fun Holy Crap We're Lucky to Be Alive With This Twit in Charge double-whammy, our Idiot Manchild President demonstrated that he doesn't know how to spell "Marine Corps," (or perhaps more accurately just doesn't give a fuck) yet also wants a new branch of the military, that would operate in space and that he would call SPACE FORCE because not only does he have the mind of a sixth grade boy, but it's a dumb, mean, lazy, violent, sixth grade boy.

Further demonstrating his immense respect for the military, we learned Donnie Two-Scoops charged the Department of Defense almost $140,000 for use of his shitty, tacky hotels and clubs over just eight months. Betcha George Washington's kicking himself for not thinking up that little grift himself.

How about that Conor Lamb, huh? Squeaked out a win in a district so red, "Maddow" is a swear word there. I'm not gonna lie to you folks, I'm positively HORNY about the blue wave coming this November, but I was sure this particular district was just a bridge too far.

I'm happy to wrong.

Especially since the sad, sorry, morning-after GOP spin is so fucking hilarious. Hey, it's great that this district Government Cheese Goebbels won by 20 points came down to a few hundred votes! The President sure was a "closer," ranting about Chuck Todd and Maxine Waters! Hell, Lamb practically ran as a Republican, (this after weeks of painting him as umbilically attached to Nancy Pelosi, mind you) with his...Obamacare-supporting, union-embracing ways.

Yup, everything's going your way, kids. Don't change a thing.

Theresa May booted 23 Russian "diplomats" right outta Great Britain, saying "Oh and DO let the door hit you in the borscht-hole on the way out, TOODLE PIP, BITCHES!" It was sorta shocking to see a leader actually retaliate against Russia, after a year and change of that collaborating orange fellow.

The Montana GOP, taking a page out of the Putin playbook, seems to have dispatched an employee on a mission to run for the really-awfully-vulnerable Jon Tester's Senate seat on the Green Party ticket, hoping to siphon a few votes from the Self-Righteous Blockhead crowd.

I tell you what, third party voters...if we lose control of the Senate because of your smug asses, I am tracking you down, Liam-Nelson style, and farting directly in your mouths. Count on it.

Larry Kudlow, who isn't an economist but plays one on teevee, replaces Gary Cohn as the guy in charge of shouting "Stop, you fool! You'll mcrash the entire global economy" at President Toddler. That there are still people willing to jump into the reputation-shredding meat grinder of this administration is downright fascinating, and should be the subject of extensive psychological studies.

I tell you what, friends...I know getting constantly pelted by all this ridiculous shit can be exhausting and discouraging, but I'm walking away from today's news inspired as fuck.

Why? These kids! These Marjory Stoneman Douglas kids and the movement they've sparked! Did you see this National School Walkout? Coast to coast, folks. I don't know how many thousands of young people, making themselves heard! Demanding gun control. Many under threat of suspension. Some even getting arrested.

They're writing op-eds. Raising money. Registering to vote. Targeting NRA stooge politicians. And they've got ANOTHER nationwide event, the March for Life, still to come.

The slobbering gun nut crowd is NOT taking this well. There's a tradition to adhere to, see? Every so often a bunch of innocent people get slaughtered, we bicker about it for a day or two, mumble some insincere Thotz-n'-Prairz bullshit, and go on about our lives...those of us who're still actually y'know...alive.

But we've veered off-script this time. And the NRA and their lackeys don't know how to handle it, so they just keep demonizing these kids, who are of course, survivors of a horrific tragedy, so the attacks keep turning back on the attackers...like turd boomerangs.

So yeah, when one Maine GOP office-seeker derided Emma Gonzalez, one of the Parkland movement's leaders, a "skinhead lesbian," he got famous real quick. It's great that the droolingly-nutty gun crowd is finally getting painted as hateful, unreasonable, maniacs, because, well, they're hateful, unreasonable, maniacs.

Oh, and I see Shart, Jr. is getting divorced? Golly. I wonder who gets custody the Goshdarnit I Just Can't Wait to Collude With You, Russian Spy Lady e-mails...

So yeah, it's been another insane stretch, sure...but I think I'm starting to see the twinkle of that sweet light at the end of tunnel...know what I mean?

PS - And now another Drumpf organization lawyer got swept up in the Stormy Daniels story? KEWL. Isn't having a President who pays blackmail FUN?

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Another Day in the Eye of the Shitstorm, But Between the National School Walkout and Conor Lamb (Original Post) TheFerret Mar 2018 OP
Turd boomerang underpants Mar 2018 #1
Go Ferret! volstork Mar 2018 #2
Right on time.. HipChick Mar 2018 #3
Excellent...funny and poignant, as always! TY!! Docreed2003 Mar 2018 #4
Behold: the Ferret jeffreyi Mar 2018 #5
Love your screeds as always, Ferret! Mountain Mule Mar 2018 #6
Excellent as always KT2000 Mar 2018 #7
It's rare for me to comment on a typo... Hugin Mar 2018 #8
ROFLMAO!!!! Cha Mar 2018 #9
Kickin' it for TheFerret! CaliforniaPeggy Mar 2018 #10

Hugin

(32,778 posts)
8. It's rare for me to comment on a typo...
Thu Mar 15, 2018, 03:26 AM
Mar 2018

Due to the fact I, too. Am a serial offender.

However, this "mcrash" is far too good to pass up to the point it returns to me a tiny slice of faith in some sort of Universal Higher Power and belief in the fair rule of Karma.

I can't describe in words the joy and epiphany which passed through my cray cray fatigued faculties when my darkest psyche jumped to alert and whispered in the ear of my conscious mind, "Man, there's a whole lot of people I could wish a McRash of historic proportions on right now, starting with Donnie Dotard as patient zero."

Are such thoughts wrong in a world gone so wrong?

I'll leave it to the DU ethicists to decide.

Thanks again, TF. And, remember to always check your shoes while walking in the desert.

Cha

(295,926 posts)
9. ROFLMAO!!!!
Thu Mar 15, 2018, 04:28 AM
Mar 2018

Speaking of staff turnover, Fat Q*Bert's personal assistant, John McEntee, got fired, and in fact, booted from the White House without even his coat, because he's being investigated by the Department of Homeland Security for "serious financial crimes." For the life of me, I can't imagine how "serious" your "financial crimes" have to be before DHS gets involved, but Mr. Manatee is surely lucky that Reince Priebus no longer works there, because you know he would've snatched up that sweet coat in the chaos.

Rumors a-plenty regarding further staff changes...swapping David Shulkin for Rick Perry? Jeff Sessions for Scott Pruitt? H.R. McMaster for Bloodthirsty Mustachioed Psychopath John Bolton? HOW IS IT THAT WE CAN BE REPLACING THE SHITTIEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WITH EVEN SHITTIER PEOPLE? DOES HE POST JOB OPENINGS EXCLUSIVELY IN PORT-A-POTTIES?

I see one of the dicktumors who submitted a pitch to build Shart Garfunkel's Big Stupid Useless Wall got himself arrested for bombing a mosque. Tell me more about the "economic anxiety" animating this movement. I'm all fucking ears.

trump the closer.. LOL

Ferret

CaliforniaPeggy

(149,308 posts)
10. Kickin' it for TheFerret!
Thu Mar 15, 2018, 10:40 PM
Mar 2018

One more time, baybee!

Thank you for wading into the muck!

AND making us laugh and feel better!

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