The Onion: "Surrendering Trump Boys Solemnly Salute Each Other Before...

[Miles Archer]

...Leaping From White House First-Story Window"



https://politics.theonion.com/surrendering-trump-boys-solemnly-salute-each-other-befo-1823920497

WASHINGTON—Tears welling in their eyes as they faced each other while standing at attention, the Trump boys, Donald Jr. and Eric, exchanged a solemn salute before defiantly leaping from a first-story White House window. “It’s been an honor to serve with you, Don,” said a stoic Eric Trump who opened the window in the State Dining Room in preparation for the brothers’ last great act of glorious rebellion. “Don’t cry, Don, today we are going to bravely escape to heaven. I’ll meet at the pearly gates. Just look for someone who looks exactly like me yelling your name.” White House tour sources confirmed hearing the Trump boys screaming incoherently after the brothers leaped out the opening, fell 18 inches, and became entangled in coniferous shrubs.

[smirkymonkey]

1. Now boys, try this from the top of Trump Tower and we'll all be

REALLY impressed!

[FakeNoose]

3. Maybe this will work

He looks a little like Eric from behind.

[smirkymonkey]

6. Wouldn't that be great?

If only all of them went out of the window one by one, the world would be a beautiful place once again.

[Stallion]

2. Would Have Been Funnier if he said Jr got Eric to Jump First and then Called him a Doofus

[Ferrets are Cool]

4. It has to be so difficult to work at The Onion these days. nt

[nuxvomica]

5. If they get to Heaven, a surprise awaits them

They'll have to cross the Rainbow Bridge, where a lot of animals are waiting for them, and not in a nice way.

[tclambert]

7. "Hey, Donnie, why is Heaven so hot?"

"It's like when we went on safari, you know, in one of those shithole countries. Does that sound like a lion to you? Where's my rifle? Do you have a rifle? That lion sounds closer. Where's the safari guide with our rifles? And why are my testicles covered with catnip?"

[Rhiannon12866]

8. Unfortunately, I don't think they'll end up in the same place as all the innocent animals

But there's always the chance one of those animals will outsmart them on this side of the Bridge. I'm rooting for the elephants that suddenly became "fair game" again, as we know - they have families...