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TheFerret

(626 posts)
Mon May 28, 2018, 09:14 PM May 2018

On Memorial Day, Your President Encourages You to Throw All That's Decent About America on the Grill

I think we need to give even more thanks than usual to our fallen military heroes this particular Memorial Day, since many of them are surely a little restless in the afterlife tonight, wondering, “Wait, I died so this Bloated Tick Grifter could assault the rule of law between rounds of golf on the taxpayer dime? Can I get a refund?”

As always, this post is available, with links, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-memorial-day-your-president-encourages-you-to-throw-all-thats-good-and-decent-about-america-on-the-grill-and-light-that-fucker-up/

(Naturally, the Bonespur Buttplug marked the occasion by praising...himself. General Kelly surely smiled a little smile when he saw that Tweet, thinking of how he almost told his boss not to say anything self-aggrandizing on the one day we set aside to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country, but figured “Oh, don't be silly, John! Not even Donald could be THAT clueless and tone deaf!” He then returned to the task of cutting the President's overdone steak into chewable bites in preparation for their dinner meeting.)

Let's take a good hard look at this country that so many millions have died to preserve, shall we? We're tearing families at the part at the border now! We're shipping children to detention centers! We've got a prison bus for babies!

And the government even lost track of nearly 1,500 immigrant children, how about that? (Now, these aren't the same kids who're being ripped away from their parents. These are kids who show up at the border without a guardian. You need to keep your atrocities straight in 2018.) Some have even been delivered, by a racist, criminally-negligent, U.S. government, directly into the hands of human traffickers.

Can you imagine? Employees of a branch of HHS, paid by your tax dollars and mine, so careless, so lazy, so who-gives-a-shit-it's-just-a-brown-kid, that they're allowing, no wait, that's not right...that they're FACILITATING this sort of evil? “Here's your child slave, sir. Thanks for using the United States’ immigration system! MAGA!”

And Rick Santorum, that Christly fellow, said, “Whaaaaaaat? We lose people all the time! What's the big deal? I lost my keys just the other day!” and then presumably went about the rest of his day in typical Rick Santorum fashion, blissfully unaware of his own casual monstrousness, in fact likely congratulating himself on his personal moral infallibility, while smugly fantasizing about all those liberal pundits who regularly humiliate him on CNN burning forever in the Pit.

I tell you what, folks, Jesus is gonna come back any day now. He's gonna walk, slowly but purposefully, directly up to Rick Santorum, slap him like Batman slaps Robin in that meme, then walk away forever.

Somehow, despite this avalanche of news so appalling it makes you ashamed to be American, the Grand Wizard Grifter is pissed off because we're not hurting ENOUGH immigrants. Yes, he's still bellowing at Kirstjen Nielsen for not laying a minefield along the border or something. (Oh, and that article is seasoned with a little anecdote where Fuck-O makes some shitty racist gags to the delight of Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller. But don't call any of them bigots, right?)

Miller's fingerprints were all over the white nationalist liefest (or “demonstrable falsehoodfest,” if you're Maggie Haberman) Sharty McFly delivered at the Naval Academy graduation ceremony. Still, you almost have to laugh, cuz when he says “our ancestors tamed a continent,” he means “my daddy bailed me out of bankruptcy."

Putin's favorite CongressStooge Dana Rohrabacher wants to remind everyone who's dehumanizing brown people to set aside a corner in their hate-shriveled heart to dehumanize LGBT people. Dana lost a big endorsement when he insisted on the Right to Refuse to Sell Your House to Anyone who Makes the Beast with Two Backs Out of Two Beasts of the Same Gender, because he's an absolute dirtbag, but let's give a good sturdy huzzah to the National Association of Realtors for standing up for decency.

Another one of those Shady Meetings Between Russian Muckety-Mucks and High-Level Trumpkins, popped up, this time featuring Kremlin-connected oligarch Viktor Vekselberg (I shoulda bought a scorecard, but I only had enough cash to get one of those sundaes that comes in a little baseball helmet) and the Sensei of Sez-Hoo, Michael Cohen.

Anyway, I'm sure this shady meeting is finally the very last of the shady meetings, and not one of the money launderers or influence peddlers or debt-ridden real estate frauds has anything whatsoever left to hide. BREAKING: Ex-KGB Officer Discovered Living in D.C. as Jeff Sessions’ Roommate! “Ah thawt th’top bunk wuz empty!” protests the Attorney General.

New York CongressDope Peter King sees Nazism in the NFL's kneeling controversy! Not on the part of the league imposing fines in an attempt to stamp out their employees’ ability to exercise their rights to speech and protest, but to those players who silently kneel to suggest to America that hey, we think Black Lives Matter, and maybe you should too, JUST LIKE HITLER.

Your Desperately-Needed Morsel of Actual Good News for the Day? The good people of Ireland voted overwhelmingly to repeal their constitution's abortion ban! Hooray for progress but Jesus Fuck I had to cross the entire Atlantic to scrounge up something to smile about and BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED.

Anyway. Back to the shit.

The Man with Phalangeal Stunting issued an executive order making it easier to fire federal workers. Under the new rules, a squad of hooded inquisitors appointed by Steve Mnuchin will be empowered to travel from department to department, pointing randomly at employees and shrieking “I saw Goody (insert employee's name here) with the Deep State,” and the employee will be fired and/or hanged and/or burned and/or that awesome “more weight” Giles Corey thing.

Frankly I think every worker should be held to the Scott Pruitt standard. Until you've had at least a dozen front-page scandals, your job should be secure. If that Leo-melting-down-in-Act-3-of-The-Aviator-level paranoid loon is allowed to blow $3.5 million on security in just one year (because he needs to be protected from mustachioed caricatures, apparently), let's just say I have my doubts about the sincerity of this corner-cutting fever.

Ok. So, Spanish police gave the FBI recordings of some wiretapped conversations between a Russian money launderer and Alexander Torshin, who is heavily connected to both Putin AND the NRA, so this dude is basically a Bond villain, right? Does he have some sort of trademark facial deformity, or maybe a prosthetic thumb that conceals a polonium-210 dart?

While Twitter-ranting about how the portions at Boston Market have gotten smaller or how James Comey broadcasts showtune karaoke directly into the fillings of his teeth or some shit, the Candycorn Skidmark offhandedly proclaimed that a certain official who gave a certain quote to the press...simply does not exist. Now, said official indeed does exist, his name is Matt Pottinger, he has a lovely collection of Precious Moments figurines, and of course there's a recording of him not only existing but saying the very thing the President insists he didn't.

....or so the D.C. press corps would have you believe! I think it's a mistake to overlook the very real possibility that the Shart House is staffed by ghoooooooooooooooooosts.*

Princess Ivanka will be campaigning for Devin Nunes, shooting for the Guinness World Record for “Shittiest Team-Up in Human History.” Is there really a voter in the California 22nd, or anywhere on Earth, who's still on the fence about that treasonous Fucker of Pigs, but might decide to vote for him because a shoe design thief told him to? And if so, can I taint-punt him straight to the moon?

Speaking of Daddy's Little Scammer, the Chinese government granted Ivanka a bunch of shiny new trademarks, lucky girl! Dad gets half a billion in loans, Junior and Eric get a neapolitan ice cream sandwich to split (as usual, determining which brother would get the half with the chocolate came to fisticuffs. Well, slapticuffs, anyhow), and the Chinese government gets the American President working to eliminate penalties on a Chinese company that violated American sanctions! Everybody wins!

...except the United States of America and the American people, who are apparently not part of this transaction at all.

So the Shart House staff has dwindled down to a handful of the most desperate and reprehensible crotchboils on the planet, and according to Axios, they seem to spend most of their time screeching “You're the leaker!” “No, YOU'RE the leaker!” at one another, presumably while literally gnawing on their co-workers’ backs. We know this, BECAUSE IT LEAKED, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH!

Fuck it, says I; let's go full Hunger Games with these assclowns. Turn ‘em loose in a field full of hammers and staple guns, till there's only one left standing, leaking his own crazed mutterings to any reporter still willing to listen, just an Unnamed High Level Official Caked in the Blood and Gore of His Fellow Unnamed High Level Officials.

Omnipresent in the background of all this delirium is Rudolph Giuliani, who pops up on teevee periodically to spew more of his trademark scattered hateblather. From manic ravings about “Korean perjury” to openly admitting the Velveeta Vulgarian’s “Spygate” nonsense is nothing but a cynical PR ploy to rile the frothier elements of Cult45 up into a mob that'll side with a cheap crook against their own country's law enforcement community, maybe even march on the FBI when the indictments finally come down and yes he's invested in a company that produces pitchforks and torches why do you ask?

Word is, Rudy's working for the Poo Mistake for free. Heh. So did Paul Manafort. You get what you pay for, Turdmuffins...you get what you pay for.

For what it's worth, when they announced Rudy's birthday at Yankee stadium this afternoon, he got booed like a whole army of David Ortizes. If the Resistance has spread even to the bleachers, we're gonna do alright this November.

Ok, Shower Captives. I'm gonna try to get a little grilling in while the sun's still out. I'll leave you with the following headline, which, from a satirical standpoint, I simply cannot improve upon: “White nationalist David Duke says he’ll sue Donald Trump for stealing his ‘build the wall’ chant unless Trump delivers”

Good gravy.

*Well. Men in white sheets, anyway.

12 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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On Memorial Day, Your President Encourages You to Throw All That's Decent About America on the Grill (Original Post) TheFerret May 2018 OP
what? heaven05 May 2018 #1
Well put! thegoose May 2018 #2
Well put as USUAL, my dear Ferret! CaliforniaPeggy May 2018 #3
This is from the Shower Cap Blogger Haggis for Breakfast May 2018 #8
I am well aware of him--I see him on Facebook regularly! CaliforniaPeggy May 2018 #9
Is there not one Military fan of Fake's Cha May 2018 #4
Tea Pain:The Draft-Dodger-In-Chief can't even take a day off from his pathological lyin' to honor.. Cha May 2018 #5
someone asked about my favorite nicknames for Twitler... and I pointed them to your posts. lapfog_1 May 2018 #6
I seem to remember one from a few months ago, too - "spray tan cray man". George II May 2018 #7
K&R, Ferret murielm99 May 2018 #10
Rec, thanks, Nt Mc Mike May 2018 #11
K&R uponit7771 May 2018 #12
 

thegoose

(3,115 posts)
2. Well put!
Mon May 28, 2018, 09:22 PM
May 2018

This summary should be force-fed to all the Trumpanzees out there, except that they'd scream "FAKE NEWS!!!" while frantically sucking the FAKE CHEESE off of a Cheeto, because it serves as a nook while reminding them of their beloved Orange Overlord.

Haggis for Breakfast

(6,831 posts)
8. This is from the Shower Cap Blogger
Mon May 28, 2018, 11:42 PM
May 2018

"Cap," who is truly a superhero in his own right, has a website. TheShowerCapBlogger. Go find him, subscribe to him and you will get his postings (usually one every 3-4 days) in your e-mail. I always read him first. I laugh my freckles off and I find that he makes the rest of the day's godawful news just a little less painful.

Raising a beer to you, "Cap."

Cha

(295,911 posts)
4. Is there not one Military fan of Fake's
Mon May 28, 2018, 09:58 PM
May 2018

who will speak out for the Fallen over the cult.. and wipe that shit eating, narcissistic grin off his big ugly face?

Thanks, Ferret


lapfog_1

(29,166 posts)
6. someone asked about my favorite nicknames for Twitler... and I pointed them to your posts.
Mon May 28, 2018, 10:25 PM
May 2018

Bloated Tick Grifter
Bonespur Buttplug
Grand Wizard Grifter
Fuck-O
Sharty McFly
Man with Phalangeal Stunting
Candycorn Skidmark
Velveeta Vulgarian
Poo Mistake

I see I was not mistaken!

LOL

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