General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsGrandma's Thanksgiving Invitation
Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation
Dear Family:
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me.
If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you
might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00, NOT 2:15, NOT 2:05. Two (2:00)
Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different. This year because I have decided that 2/3 of you don't know how to take care of nice things, then paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television
stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy, look at me. Ive outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Speaking of being a mother; if you are babysitting a neighbors kid, it is not automatically family here.
Take them back home or put them in one. Or tell the neighbors to send enough money to pay for a restaurant meal.
11. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
12. Words mean things! I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
13. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
14. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.
Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family
needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all of the above.
Love You, Grandma.
.
TomSlick
(11,097 posts)Her house. Her rules.
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,588 posts)Brava, Grandma!
UTUSN
(70,683 posts)a kennedy
(29,647 posts)that has been said over the years and thought it would be funny to make it something a grandma would say. JMHO. Its a joke, and very funny indeed.
keithbvadu2
(36,775 posts)Folks can add whatever is applicable to their own family.
I did.
DFW
(54,349 posts)Dominoes is a game of tiles. Domino's is a pizza chain.
trixie2
(905 posts)There is a family letter that has been going around for years. It's located on Awkward Family Photos but here is a link:
https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/
LisaM
(27,801 posts)I'm not sure I want to read her rules for one she doesn't like!
trixie2
(905 posts)We have had that same rule for generations. Want football? Go down to the basement.
left-of-center2012
(34,195 posts)leftofcool
(19,460 posts)House of Roberts
(5,168 posts)I'd look for it if I knew how on Wordpress.
catrose
(5,065 posts)I think it is Helen's Thanksgiving letter.
Celerity
(43,316 posts)I had never heard of that blog before. I wonder who writes it.
He/she seems far more active on twitter
https://twitter.com/helenphilpot?lang=en
BTW
All I had to do to find that post was google the first sentence.
yuiyoshida
(41,831 posts)I can't say I have ever had to experience Thanksgiving like this. My parents live in Las Vegas now, and will be probably at the slots during Thanksgiving, as for Me, I will probably park my butt at my favorite Chinese restaurant like I do every year... Hope you all enjoy your turkey, as for me it will either be Dungeness crab or Peking Duck... this year!! Enjoy your holiday!
iluvtennis
(19,849 posts)Historic NY
(37,449 posts)Show up late, sorry we're not waiting for you. The look on their faces when 12 people are eating an now they got to figure where to squeeze in. Want me to take my stuff out of the double ovens is not happening until I'm finished. You cook at your own house. I do the same thing with soda and now buy gallon jugs of water. I'm not even a grandmother or a mother. And I ain't the damn waiter either.
LisaL
(44,973 posts)The owner is supposed to stay home on thanskgiving because she needs to give cats a shots, or cat has to die?
lilactime
(657 posts)niyad
(113,259 posts)GoCubsGo
(32,079 posts)Even if it wasn't my cat. That was no "invitation." That was a list of insults and threats. I'm glad that neither of my grandmothers were like that. The neighbors kid that was being baby-sat was welcome. So were the Jell-O dishes, salads, and anything else people wanted to bring. And, they probably would have told the cat owner to bring it along, and keep it in the bathroom. I can understand wanting your home and property being respected. I agree with having no TV during dinner or cell phones. But, to hell with calling people "idiots" and "morons." If I was those people, I'd tell Grandma to take her Christmas presents and whatever was in her will, and coat it in bacon grease and stuff it.
keithbvadu2
(36,775 posts)GoCubsGo
(32,079 posts)That looks a lot like my second kitty. He went before his grandma, so he never had a chance sneeze in her ashes. There was a better chance it would have been the other way around, had she not lived 1300 miles away.
lilactime
(657 posts)Tommy_Carcetti
(43,173 posts)malaise
(268,930 posts)Coventina
(27,101 posts)I'll pass on going, thanks.
dameatball
(7,396 posts)lilactime
(657 posts)MontanaMama
(23,307 posts)I never had a warm and fuzzy grandma so this speaks to me. My grandma used to mark my spelling and grammatical errors on my notes, letters and cards to her in red and send them back to me. I could get along with this grandma just fine.
blueinredohio
(6,797 posts)The kids and grandkids come over, sit at the table playing on their phones, eat, then play some more. I have one sister who helps cook and do dishes. It was the same way at my mother's house on holidays. Two of us doing all the work. Go Grandma.
NurseJackie
(42,862 posts)That fussy Grandma has passive aggressive control issues. High maintenance grandma who uses bribes and threats to disinherit is a mean one who is best left alone.
pansypoo53219
(20,972 posts)we got fiesta for a reason.