For Those of Us with Aging Parents,

[MineralMan]

The Holiday season arrives with mixed emotions in many cases. This year, my parents, who are both 94 years old, finally took a step their offspring hoped they would take. They moved out of their house on their citrus/avocado farm and into an assisted living facility. It was not a move that appealed to them, but after my mother was hospitalized for a heart problem, their doctor finally laid down the law to them, and they moved, temporarily, they said. Until my mom was better, my father said.

Three months later, they have finally figured out that the move needs to be a permanent one. My father needs to put his car keys away. My mother, whose memory is pretty much gone now, needs to have people nearby who understand memory loss and dementia. I still talk to them every day on the phone, and have been listening to my father's complaints about the facility since the day they first set foot in it.

Patience is a virtue, they say. Well, it can be hard to come by when your elderly father keeps talking about moving back to their house. He claims my mother hates living at the assisted living place. She doesn't, though. She's OK with it, really. It's not her. It's my father, who has no memory problems, although he has lots of other issues. I listen. I offer advice. I promote sticking with this move. Finally, this week, my dad admits that they need to stay where they are.

It has taken months to get here. It's incredibly difficult for them to deal with their inability to remain independent. I understand that. It has taken all of my patience to listen to my father trying to find a way for them to resume their previous living situation. I know how he feels. I'm relieved that he seems to have come to grips with it, although I expect some further lapses into thinking they can go back.

My sister and her husband, who are 72, a year younger than I am, still live in that town. My parent's grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be in town over Christmas. I'm staying here in Minnesota, and will wait until sometime in January to head out there for a few days. All those people there around Christmas are a blessing, but also a curse. My folks really don't cope with the busyness and confusion well. So, I'll wait and go out after that has passed.

My parents' lives are running down. I doubt there will be another Christmas for either of them, based on their health issues, which are not improving. It's not a great year. But, they're finally in a safe place. They weren't safe in their home. So, there is that. This end of life business sucks, pretty much.

[Liberty Belle]

1. I feel for you, and am glad your parents are in a safe place.

My mom has obvious dementia but insists on living alone since Dad died. She's threatened to disinherit anyone who tries to put her in a facility. She's not cleaning the house or taking proper care of herself, though at least she's agreed she shouldn't drive and hasn't wanted to fix the car since the battery died a few months back.

She keeps falling down but refuses to use the canes we've bought for her. She doesn't eat right, but cancelled Meals on Wheels that I ordered for her.

It's getting harder and harder. I suspect one of these days she will fall and break a hip or suffer some other injury that takes the decision out of her hands, and she will have to go to a rehab facility.

It's going to be a difficult Christmas for us too, but we'll do our best to make it memorable as I fear it could be our last with her, or getting close to the end.

If you are able to check your parents out of the facility now and then to bring them to your house for dinner, or someplace they would enjoy, even something as simple as an ice cream parlor nearby, that could make things a little bit easier for them, especially your father, who is still alert enough to know what's going on. We brought my dad home from a facility for Christmas dinner shortly before he died, and he was overjoyed.

[MineralMan]

2. Unfortunately, I live in Minnesota and they're in California.

They do get out sometimes. My sister and her husband take them to restaurants, family gatherings, and the like.

[yardwork]

22. My mom is in a very similar situation as yours.

I feel for you. I have had to decide to handle only what I can, day to day, and try to stop worrying about everything else.

[Ohiogal]

30. I had a similar experience with my aging mom, Liberty Belle

Living alone .... progressive dementia ..... insisting she was fine living by herself .... kept falling ..... refused to use a walker or a cane .....preferred to eat cookies out of a box all day long rather than eat Meals on Wheels, which she insisted on cancelling .... diabetic, heart problems, mobility issues .... extremely stubborn ...... she told any home health care aide who came over that her two daughters didn't care one whit about her. (nothing could have been farther from the truth). Finally, when my sister moved into a new home with enough room to take her in, we had to practically drag her out kicking and screaming. It was a dastardly fall that did her in at the end ..... she fell and broke her leg in 3 places trying to get up out of her wheelchair 5 minutes before the health aide arrived.

To Mineral Man and everyone here who tries to take care of aging parents, my heart goes out to you. It's one of the hardest jobs there is. I kept trying to remind myself that my mother wasn't the same person she was when she was younger, but hearing her insults and yelling still hurt me deeply. I wish modern science would find a cure for dementia.

[True Blue American]

102. If I may mention

One thing on those Meals on Wheels. I saw them when my Mother had them.often they are not fit to eat. It may be a great idea but in practice depends on who makes them.

I went through a similar ordeal with my Mother, Hospital, Retirement Center, going back home to her lake side place, broken hip, hospital. Could not bring her to my home, many steps, another placement, back to her home, hospital, congestive heart failure.

[Ohiogal]

129. I'm sure they can be nasty.

I saw what they gave her and it was good - my mom just refused to eat anything healthy.

[Totally Tunsie]

3. Sweet thoughts, nicely written, MM.

[MineralMan]

4. Thanks. I know a lot of DUers are in similar situations.

[davsand]

5. My mom wants to leave the nursing home before Christmas.

She's turning 89 next month. We spent Thanksgiving in the hospital with her. She's determined to stay in her house--she says she wants to age in place--but it's a very scary proposition to let her live without somebody there. She won't eat right, (she's diabetic) she has recurring infections that seem to turn into incredibly dangerous situations, and after this most recent go-round I'm not sure she's able to handle basic stuff like personal care unassisted. It's terrifying.

I've begged for help from social services and so far, they seem to have a bunch of lists and edicts but no actual help. I'm doing the best I can, and my brother is zero help in any of it. Last time he saw mom he pissed her off by telling her he's "too busy" to be here. It's a shit show, but this is no change from over ten years ago when dad was dying. He was"too busy" then. He's retired...

I bring this all up because something a lot of people don't realize about dealing with elderly parents is the huge amount of family drama that arises when siblings are not on the same page with each other. This stuff opens up all the old wounds, and it's at a time when the well being of somebody is on the line.

I'm not seeing any resolution to it, either.


Laura

[MineralMan]

7. Like all of us, our aged parents overestimate their abilities.

They often think they can do more than they actually can. It doesn't really help to know that, of course, for us. They are the ones we have to convince. Fortunately my sister and I agree on all of this, so there's no conflict among siblings. My younger brother, unfortunately, died last year unexpectedly.

It's never easy, I'm discovering.

[LAS14]

127. I think that aged people without cognitive impairment have a right..

... to continue to take on risks that they deem worth while like they have their whole adult lives. Even if the risk is death. When these discussions come up I'm reminded of how horrified I was when a social worker, speaking at a church meeting about aging parents described how she might recommend (legally force, maybe, I forget) that a person be removed from their home if she came and the beds were unmade and there were 2 or 3 days of dirty dishes in the kitchen. I would have been consigned to a nursing home immediately if she came to my house when our kids were young!

The most precious thing is to continue to be able to live as an adult who can make their own decisions.

[TexasBushwhacker]

31. It's like being drafted

I was my mother's caregiver, on and off, for 10 years while she fought a losing battle with breast cancer. It cost me personally and professionally. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but it was incredibly hard.

I look at it like being drafted into the military. It's not something you want to do if you have a choice, but now that you're chosen, you decide to serve honorably. You also find out quickly who in your family will serve with you and which ones are "draft dodgers".

[davsand]

66. Absolutely! I've never doubted helping my mom.

That has never been a question for me. I agree!

I fail to understand how anybody could be so cruel to their parent or so selfish that they think it's OK to choose not to be there. I completely understand that distance is an issue or that work demands/economic demands are a barrier. Just dealing with the needs of your partner and kids can make it difficult. I get that. We all juggle that to some extent, and there really isn't a widespread recognition of the toll it can take. It's sad.

I told my mom last week--after being told the social worker and physical therapist want to inspect her house to be sure it has adequate equipment like grab bars and whatnot--don't worry about it. We'll make it work. Because we will. It's important to her. I'll burn another vacation day. My employer will mutter a bit, but this is the nature of things.

We all do as we can.


Laura

[Turbineguy]

6. These are big changes.

My Aunt and Uncle had a Plan. It was Their Plan. They stuck with it. They went from a house to a two bedroom apartment with assistance facilities. They made their own meals, but had an emergency call button. Then after 10 years they moved a few blocks to a smaller place with assisted living. They could still make a few things in their small kitchen. But they were secure and everybody else had no worries.

My Uncle was graceful in giving up driving, my Aunt, less so.

My Uncle passed away and my Aunt went on for another 9 years. The only problem was that after the second person died, the relatives had a week to clear out the apartment.

[CousinIT]

8. My Mom is turning 91. She lives w/ family & believes it's her last Christmas.

She could be right. She decided to get everyone a gift this year (she previously didn't) because of that.

Her memory is shot though I can still have a conversation with her. She just can't remember what she said 10 minutes ago.

It's sad...and it forces you to think about what you'll do yourself at that age - especially if you're a homeowner.

[MineralMan]

10. My mom's memory is down to about 30 seconds these days.

It has become difficult to have a conversation with her, although I'm working within her limits and still can. My father doesn't understand the situation fully, although I remind him about her limitations often. He's getting better about his expectations of her, which is a good thing.

As for your last comment, yes. We all need to anticipate such things and deal with them in advance, as far as is possible. A living will, a legal will, an advance healthcare directive and explicit conversations with life partners is essential. Uncomfortable, but essential.

[pandr32]

9. I've been through this, too

It is hard and heart wrenching. Giving love and support is so important. We need to remind them that their position in the family has not changed.

[MineralMan]

11. Yes. Being mindful of the fact that they are still important

people in your life helps. I've had to make many adjustments in my relationship with my parents. I'm no longer just their eldest son. These days, I also have to play the role of adviser and even parent at times with them. It's a very delicate balance, I'm finding. I cannot tell them what to do. I can only work to convince them of what is the best choice.

What finally worked with my father was describing a scenario where he has fallen outdoors and cannot get up. Once I pointed out to him that my mother is no longer able to remember where he is and is no longer able to dial 911 seemed to do the trick. He has fallen outside a couple of times. Both times, a neighbor happened by and found him. That's not always an option.

Anyhow, he's getting it, finally.

I call them every day at the same time. If my father doesn't answer, I try again 15 minutes later. If I don't reach him then, I call my brother-in-law, who will go and check on them. He and my sister drop by at least twice a day, as well. Having them in assisted living means that someone is aware of them and checks on them at regular intervals, at least at mealtimes, which is even better.

[pandr32]

50. You sound like a good son

One of the things that struck me at the retirement home was how many people sat waiting for visitors that never came. Meanwhile, too many families bicker over belongings and money.
It says so much about who we are as a society.

I have found it hard to adjust my relationship with my children now they have grown and are out on their own. It is a delicate balance as you say--one that constantly needs tweaking.

[MineralMan]

53. I try to be, but am always seeing ways that I could do better.

My parents put everything they owned into a family trust, for tax reasons, and I'm the trustee. Really, it's just my sister and I, who will deal with that after they're gone. They made provisions for their grandchildren in fixed amounts. We're a family that isn't going to stress over that stuff. We've already discussed it, well in advance and the trust documents reflect my parents' wishes, so the division of assets is already set in stone.

My parents have no personal possessions of any real monetary value. Like most people in theiir 70s, my sister and I have more crap that we'll ever need. So, all that minor stuff will go to whomever wants it, really. I think there are only three things I want to bring here from their home. The rest will either be taken by grandchildren and great-grandchildren of sold at some sort of estate sale.

The family farm will go on the market immediately. Nobody in the family is interested in owning it. It has no debt attached to it, so proceeds will be split equally by the two siblings, who can distribute that as they choose. All of that is specified in the trust. Liquid assets should cover the fixed distributions to the grandchildren with no problem, with some left over, depending on how much goes to their current living arrangements.

The whole family gets along very well, and we've all talked about all of this, with my parents involved in the conversation, too. That's not an issue, and as the trustee, I'll make sure it's all handled according to their wishes.

[pandr32]

70. Sensible

I have seen too many families ripped apart after a death.
I am trying to find out what personal items my children want while I am still alive. Most of it involves art so I want to make sure it is properly sorted out. The house and property will be divided.
These days far too many people have little and carry a lot of debt.
My best to you and your family.

[pnwmom]

12. A word of advice for anyone whose parents are contemplating assisted living.

Assisted living, particularly for those with dementia on the highest level of care, and for couples, can be very expensive. It is all too easy to spend ALL assets on assisted living and not have anything left for nursing home care, when that becomes necessary.

For some people, they are really on the borderline of needing either assisted living or nursing home care. My advice is to switch to a nursing home while you still have some financial assets left -- don't wait till you've spent everything and qualified for Medicaid. Most nursing homes give priority to private pay patients over Medicaid, and will consider you private pay if you still have enough assets to pay 6 months or more of nursing home fees. So you have a wider range of choices in nursing homes and a much better chance of being accepted by an excellent one if you START OFF as a private pay patient. Then, once you run through your assets, you can qualify for Medicaid funding at that excellent nursing home.

So, if you can, don't spend all your assets in assisted living. Save enough to allow you to enter a nursing home in the future.

[MineralMan]

13. That's a very good point. It's not an issue for my parents, however.

They have ample assets to cover any potential costs, thank goodness.

I wish I did. In the end it will be the VA nursing home for me. I hope it never comes to that.

[pnwmom]

18. You would have more choices than VA if you have enough to pay for six months.

I hope you do.

Thankfully when we were helping my mother with this, and one sibling wanted to keep her in assisted living as long as possible, we learned why that would not be a good idea -- and there were openings in a wonderful homelike nursing home nearby, with all private rooms. And Mom was at the top of the list because she still had enough to enter as a private patient. Eight months later, they helped us to complete the paperwork for her transition to Medicaid and nothing changed, including her room.

She died last spring and we still hear from a couple of the workers there, who had become attached to her over her two years. I wish everyone who needed assistance could find a place like that. I now know that they exist!

[Grasswire2]

92. But you can only transition to Medicaid if you have spent down all the assets.

And MM's parents own a property free and clear of debt.

[pnwmom]

94. Right. But if the two of them were in assisted living,

they could go through a house-worth's of value in a shorter time than you might think.

(And I don't know how it works, but there's some way to divide the assets for Medicaid so that a spouse who remains in the house can keep it. In other words, one person can spend down her half for Medicaid purposes without requiring the other person to leave the house, too -- but the value will be due at death.)

[Hassin Bin Sober]

116. That usually requires divorce.

What a fucked up contry we live in. Make people who have been married for 60 plus years get divorced so they don’t end up in the poor house. Sanctity of marriage...

[pnwmom]

121. No, the separate spend-down provisions do not require divorce.

https://www.elderlawanswers.com/medicaid-protections-for-the-healthy-spouse-12019

Example: If a couple has $100,000 in countable assets on the date the applicant enters a nursing home, he or she will be eligible for Medicaid once the couple's assets have been reduced to a combined figure of $52,000 -- $2,000 for the applicant and $50,000 for the community spouse.

Some states, however, are more generous toward the community spouse. In these states, the community spouse may keep up to $123,600 (in 2018), regardless of whether or not this represents half the couple's assets. For example, if the couple had $100,000 in countable assets on the "snapshot" date, the community spouse could keep the entire amount, instead of being limited to half.

The income of the community spouse is not counted in determining the Medicaid applicant’s eligibility. Only income in the applicant’s name is counted. Thus, even if the community spouse is still working and earning, say, $5,000 a month, she will not have to contribute to the cost of caring for her spouse in a nursing home if he is covered by Medicaid. In some states, however, if the community spouse’s income exceeds certain levels, he or she does have to make a monetary contribution towards the cost of the institutionalized spouse’s care. The community spouse’s income is not considered in determining eligibility, but there is a subsequent contribution requirement.

But what if most of the couple's income is in the name of the institutionalized spouse and the community spouse's income is not enough to live on? In such cases, the community spouse is entitled to some or all of the monthly income of the institutionalized spouse. How much the community spouse is entitled to depends on what the Medicaid agency determines to be a minimum income level for the community spouse. This figure, known as the minimum monthly maintenance needs allowance or MMMNA, is calculated for each community spouse according to a complicated formula based on his or her housing costs. The MMMNA may range from a low of $2,030 to a high of $3,090 a month (in 2018). If the community spouse's own income falls below his or her MMMNA, the shortfall is made up from the nursing home spouse's income.

SNIP

[Maru Kitteh]

119. Hopefully if you do, it will be a VA nursing home like the one I work at

I love our facility. All of the staff are genuinely caring and dedicated right down to kitchen and housekeeping. We LOVE our residents. Many nurses have been there from 5 to 25 years. 25 YEARS. Nurses never stay in the same place for 25 years. It's not fancy and some of the rooms are not private but this is more than offset by the loving, caring, positive atmosphere.

So - If all else fails, move to Montana, MM. We'll take good care of you.

[MineralMan]

120. That's wonderful. Thanks for what you do!

[SWBTATTReg]

15. Good point and thank you for mentioning this. I'll remember this in my planning. Thanks again. NT

[LeftInTX]

73. My grandmother was lucky

She was in assisted living for several years before she broke her hip.

Afterwards, she was put in the nursing home attached to assisted living. She was in the nursing home for 3 years.

This was from 1997-2003. I assume the assisted living did not deplete her assets?? Back then the cost of assisted living was not much more than her apartment.

She didn't have many assets. She sold her modest home and car after she lost her driver's license to glaucoma. She moved across the country and into an apartment near my mom in 1993. She had a modest pension and SS.

At some point in all of this, I know she depleted her assets and became eligible for Medicaid.

ETA: She really didn't "need" to be in assisted living. Her care was truly minimal. She got the meals and some rides. She didn't need nursing care. She was having trouble taking care of her apartment and preparing meals etc. My mom was concerned about her socialization etc. My mom was having health issues of her own and my grandmother was needing more rides etc.

[roody]

87. I took an early retirement and lived with my dad for

One year and 7 months. I will never regret it. In fact I regret that it was so short. To quote his stockbroker I "preserved his small fortune." But don't think my siblings appreciate it.

[Maru Kitteh]

122. It's likely some siblings will never understand. Some by choice, ignorance (willful or otherwise)

spite, and the grand kahuna of them all GUILT.

[SWBTATTReg]

14. Thanks for your story. It is a difficult one, that as you say, a lot of us are dealing w/, ...

in the real world today, oftentimes w/ no 'real' help from anyone else.

One of the best points you made was the inability to give up being independent. It's HARD, especially when you're dealing w/ two type A personalities as I did/have (Dad's gone now).

My mom is finding it very difficult to deal with her desire to remain independent, but she is adamant. Not much the rest of us kids can do until she accepts our say so in doing something, and this has been the hardest thing, getting her to realize that what we are proposing is indeed the best thing.

Don't get me wrong, I admire the kicking and screaming and yelling against the aging process, and little by little a piece of them slips away, by my Mom, but it is hard.

Thanks for telling a difficult story to us here on DU. It couldn't have been easy for you, so hang in there, and best wishes.

[MineralMan]

16. I wish you the best of possible outcomes.

Remember, it takes a long time to convince some people of what is needed. It takes almost unlimited patience to get them to a place where they understand, but it's worth doing whatever you can.

Lots of frustrations along the way, of course.

[yardwork]

17. I'm going through this too. Sending bright blessings to light your way.

Does DU have an elder care group for caregivers? We need one.

[Sunriser13]

89. Ask and ye shall receive...

Here you go!

[yardwork]

130. Thank you!

[Codeine]

19. I'm kind of glad my mom only made it

to her mid-60s. A lifetime of smoking, alcohol, and drug abuse took her before her brain could betray her. Even she, for all her faults, didn’t deserve that gradual fading away.

Thank you for your post, MM.

[MineralMan]

24. It has only been in the last couple of years that my parents

started failing. Neither of them is particularly mobile not, although they toddle along with their four-wheel walkers. I'm going to fly out mid-January for about a week. I can't afford to do that very often, though.

I know this post is off-topic for DU, but it's not off-topic for a lot of DUers.

[mindfulNJ]

20. I hear you.

My Dad died last April and we’ve spent the months since getting my mom acclimated to her new situation in assisted living. She’s still sharp as a tack and has taken to it pretty well so your situation is more difficult for sure. It’s still depressing to see how we all end up eventually if we live long enough.

Anyway...hugs...and hoping you and family a peaceful holiday season ❤️

[StarryNite]

21. Been there with my in-laws and more recently my dad.

They've since died. But boy, that's a difficult time not only for the parents but for their adult children as well. It is much harder for an older person to make the adjustment who still has his/her mental acuity.

Hugs of support to you and your family.

[MineralMan]

25. Thanks very much. So far, I'm not facing losing them, quite yet.

My wife's parents are both gone, though. We're in Minnesota because we moved here to help care for them. They didn't have any children living here, but we were able to pick up and move. We can't do that for my parents, but my sister and her husband live in the same town as they do, so it's not too bad.

I'll go out there in mid-January for a week.

[ismnotwasm]

23. My Mom is doing well at 80

She lived with my father—let’s just say he was not a pleasant person—for over 50 years and now greatly enjoys rattling around in her big old house on her own since he died, around three years ago. My brother and I, and niece and nephew, check up on her a lot of course. She currently is setting affairs in order, as she has property and such. She still does her own taxes.

I think she thinks she will go to sleep one day and not wake up, but we all know that’s not how aging usually works. I want her to enjoy as much peace as she can for as long as she can, so I wait and hope her health stays good.

[MineralMan]

27. 80-year olds often do pretty darned well.

I'm glad your mom is OK. At 94, I don't think anyone does well independently, though. They did until a couple of years ago, though. The struggle gets harder and harder. I expect them to be gone very close to the same time. I think my father's still alive mostly because my mother is. I doubt he'll survive long once she's gone. Sad business.

[ismnotwasm]

42. I have a very good friend who is 94

He’s says he didn’t start to feel “old” until a couple of years ago. He is a retired professor, has had a long interesting life. My husband helped pull him out of his despair after his wife died around 10 years ago, but now he uses oxygen on and off, he still drives, does volunteer work. It’s his house but he lives with family.

I adore that guy. Witty, intelligent, fun and interesting. Everytime he gets sick, it goes to his lungs.

[MineralMan]

46. Yes. Once one is in the mid-90s, living is a challenge in itself.

I'd rather skip that, frankly, based on what I'm seeing.

[question everything]

26. It is not just our parents. This is what we will have to consider, at some point

Granted, a farm is more difficult to live alone, but even in our houses, if one of us cannot do something - spouse had a knee replacement last year - the other wonders whether we should stay in the two stories and a basement house.

And yet, such a move is irreversible. It shows us that this is it!

Hope you will enjoy your time with them. Keep the good memories alive.

[MineralMan]

28. Yes. We will all probably face this.

I'm not going to be a resister, though. I'm sick of lawn care and snow removal, frankly. At 73, I can still do it OK, but I'd rather not. My wife is 11 years younger, though. Our next move will probably be into a condo of some kind.

[colorado_ufo]

29. This is all very eye-opening and discouraging.

My parents and my husband's parents are all deceased. However, I was recently diagnosed with cancer, and I am approaching 72 years old. It was caught fairly early, and they think I'm going to be fine. In fact, one of the doctors said that with my overall good health I should have at least 20 more years of life, maybe more. Which lands me right into the territory of the aging parents described in this thread.

At first, I was really happy about the probability that I would have more years of good life ahead. But our finances are just barely okay, and our children also have health and financial struggles..

I fear and dread being a burden and a problem for anyone, and it grieves me to think of leaving the home that I have worked so hard to build and pay for, with my husband, over the years. Moving into a tiny place demands leaving all of the things behind that meant so much to you, as there is no place for books, picture albums, favorite furniture, or any of the other things that meant so much to you over your lifetime.

I am supposed to start radiation treatment in a week, but this thread makes me think that I should just take a long walk in the desert instead, before my term life insurance lapses

Maybe I'll put off that decision at least long enough to see Trump get his ass kicked.

[MineralMan]

34. Stick with it. You don't have to decide anything just yet.

[colorado_ufo]

35. Thank you

[LisaL]

32. This end of life business sucks big time.

And it appears to be similar for a lot of elderly, no matter how bad the physical/mental condition is, they still want to be at home.

[MineralMan]

36. Yes. Everyone wants things to continue as they are.

I think it's important to start thinking about that early on. That's the lesson I'm learning.

[LisaL]

38. The problem is, once dementia kicks in, there ain't no convincing the elderly.

Seems to be a lot of people in a similar situations.

[karin_sj]

101. That's for sure

It’s really hard and heart wrenching

[hibbing]

33. My circumstances

My family was encouraging my parents to get out of the house. My father broke his hip, fully recovered at a retirement community, but the got the pancreatic cancer and was dead in a month. My mother now lives in assisted living and is suffering from Alzheimers. She has had a long life with many ups and downs. The long goodbye is horrible for everyone.


Peace

[MineralMan]

37. I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

I know there are many, many people dealing with all of this. It's something we all face, if we're lucky enough to have our parents around until they are old. But it's a sobering thing, since we all have old age coming to us. I'm hoping to learn from this and plan accordingly.

[SallyHemmings]

39. Amen

My folks are in their 80s. Mom has been in a skilled facility for six Christmas'. She hasn't spoke an intelligible word in five. She does smile when Dad holds her hand. It is ironic, that all she ever wanted was for him to sit and hold her hand. It took dementia for her to finally get that from Dad.

Dad's health went sideways six months ago. He is not quite ready to join Mom but really shouldn't be living alone.

An assisted living would be idea. But we don't have 4k a month for that situation. Living with yours truly or either of my two brothers isn't practical at this point.

My Dad's primary doc retired and the transition to the new one was a disaster. We fired the first one. The second one that was better.

My brothers finally helped (and Dad accepted) with the transportation to the medical appointments. He shouldn't be driving. He knows it but not quite ready to give up the keys.

I could go on but my head would explode.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I concur, the end of life business does suck.

[LisaL]

40. Yes, assisted living is so expensive.

How does one afford that?

[MineralMan]

43. That's a real issue for most people.

My parents are OK, though, with the financial end of things. Very thrifty folks they were all their lives, and have assets sufficient for all of their needs. I wish I were in the same situation. Oh, well...

[SallyHemmings]

44. Long Term Care Insurance

It is the most useful and expensive insurance that folks don't know about.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

55. Yes. I have one such policy

that would pay a substantial amount of nursing home care for me. Not assisted living, just nursing home, but having that policy gives me a lot of peace of mind.

[SallyHemmings]

56. It is a gift to your family too

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

63. Yes, it is.

Were I to wind up staying ten or more years in a nursing home, I'd probably run out of money, but since the average nursing home stay is vastly less than that, I don't worry about that.

[LisaL]

82. Never heard of it. Where does one get it, how old do you have to be, and how expensive is it?

[SallyHemmings]

84. Depends on your state or Commonwealth

It is generally sold by the same insurance agents who sell auto and life insurance.

Depending on the policy, at home care, assisted living and skilled nursing homes.

The price is determined by what you want covered and your age.

[demosincebirth]

98. Double that in California

[MineralMan]

41. Many of us are in similar situations. It's good to have a thread

like this to share a little of it.

[LisaL]

45. There, there.

A lot of us in the same boat.

[MineralMan]

47. Yes, indeed!

Thanks!

[SallyHemmings]

48. Thanks for sharing

It helps some of us share without feeling like a whiney baby.

[MineralMan]

49. Real problems justify concern. We're all concerned

with such problems.

[Dave in VA]

51. Count me and wife in the group

Took care of wife's mother with Alzheimer's disease for ten years in our home. We were fortunate that she had the financial resources that we could have a full time aid for the last three years.

Now my mother has been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia. She is refusing to leave her home. This is going to be the tough one because she is angry and verbally combative over just about everything. She just turned 89. Not looking forward to going through it all again.

But, here we are and this is the reality that we have to deal with. The local Alzheimer's Association has been wonderfully helpful. Just to have some fellow travelers to share you anger and concerns with and to be able to listen to their's as well.

Anyway, we are all connected here. MM, glad you started this thread. You never know who may receive comfort in your words.

Oh, and BTW, FUCK tRump!!!!!!

[MineralMan]

54. I know that many here are dealing with those issues.

And you're right, it's a reality we have to cope with. There it is.

[Hortensis]

52. "This end of life business sucks, pretty much."

Yes, and I'm so sorry your wonderful father is not able to be happier. At least he's finally coming to acceptance. Perhaps the next step will be a positive one. You don't say just what he dislikes most or which personal needs (aside from being home) aren't met, but knowing you it's a good facility where a fair number of people are able to find a reasonable degree of happiness with new friends. Does he miss a garden to tend?

My husband's best friend is trying to help the brother of his father-in-law who's in the exact same situation, except that he lost his wife last year and totally estranged from his own family, not unusual but hardly normal in the rural Bible belt. He's so unhappy and so fixated on returning home that leaving him to live and die quickly on his own terms seems like the most decent possibility to me, but of course what'd really happen is that he wouldn't die soon and our friends, elderly themselves, would be forced by their decency into daily caretaking.

Regarding that end of life business, it can be easier for some cultures where multiple generations live together -- for functional families, of course. I've been suspecting that part of the image some of the wealthy right-wing extremists have for our nation is that people can afford to live on much less and do without Social Security as extended families in one home, even live notably happier and more responsible lives. Ideally, anyway.

[MineralMan]

57. I just got off my daily call with my parents.

Now that my father has made up his mind, he's feeling much better about it. He's been a hard worker all his life, and his inability to continue doing things like managing their farm, etc. is the biggest issue for him. He wants to be out on the tractor working in his orchards, but realizes that he can no longer do that, and it pisses him off. It's being custom-farmed now, and that's expensive. So, it's barely breaking even financially at this point. I think that he'll probably sell it very soon so he doesn't have to think about it any more. That will be a good decision, and one I'll try to help him make. Once it's no longer his responsibility, he'll shift his attention to other things, I think.

His decision to stay put in the assisted living facility is based on his concern for my mother, who is seriously hampered by her memory issues and dementia. He wants their old life back, but realizes that's impossible, which frustrates him. Still, today and yesterday, he has seemed much calmer and less frustrated. Once he makes a decision, he sticks to it and deals with things as they are. So, that's a good thing.

A lot of family will be around over the holidays, and then I'll be flying out there in mid-January for a week. We'll get it all worked out, and things will settle into their new normal for a while. But, when you're 94, things can change quickly, and usually do. So...

[Hortensis]

80. You make it easy to imagine being him, or at least

somewhat like him in his position. I'm glad to hear he is feeling much better, but perhaps not surprising given the person he's always been.

Our families were both very, very small. When the time came to help each of our 3 separate elderly relatives make this change, none wanted to leave the towns they'd lived in, and their few remaining friends they couldn't even see much anymore, to come live with us in a very different place. Home's more than the house.

Yes, to that last. But my MIL's new normal for her last summer was new enjoyment in life with new friends she could see every day as she wanted. She was not exactly a simpleminded woman, but she always had plenty to chat about that interested her when I called. Something that still makes me smile to remember.

[Boomer]

103. Echoes of my own life

My wife is in her mid-60s, but in poor health, and she's also pissed off at losing her ability to do physical labor to maintain our house. I'm a few years younger but my health is no better.

Both of our parents were helped through this difficult phase by their children. We're childless, living pretty far from blood relatives, so we're very cognizant that our situation could get grim as we get less able to care for ourselves.

My finances are sufficient for a very modest retirement, not so much for extended assisted living or a nursing home for the both of us.

[FuzzyRabbit]

58. Your father misses his home of many years.

I moved two years ago from my home of 24 years. It was in a great neighborhood and was well suited for me. I did a lot of work on the place to make it really nice and convenient to live in.

But I had to move to a new home that is not nearly as convenient as my old place. I miss my old place every day. I am sure your dad does also.

[MineralMan]

59. Yes, he does. However, it's a farm and his frustration at not

being able to do any work or manage it in the past year or two has been a source of frustration for him. I think he'll probably sell it soon, and that will take care of much of his worry about it. I hope so, anyhow.

[TygrBright]

60. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. It's a real dilemma.

Being in a familiar place where we feel at home and in control, to some extent, can be a powerful support for brain health, memory, mood, and other things that affect overall well-being.

However, if that familiar place is not designed well for aging bodies (stairs, inaccessible storage, risky bathroom fixtures, etc.) and/or is inaccessible for the help we'll need with increasing regularity, the trade-off often seems justified. Especially to those who love us and want to keep us safe.

My 93-year-old mother-in-law insisted on remaining in her very large, multi-level home after my father-in-law died, even though it had a very bad design (little bits of stairway everywhere, bathrooms and bendy hallways constructed long before wider clearances became standard) and was almost an hour's drive from her daughter, who was the nearest child. She refused to have 'a stranger' come and live with her. She fired every cleaning/care service we tried to hire. She wouldn't wear a panic button or participate in a remote checkin/alarm service.

Then she began falling.

Finally my sister-in-law started leaving for work two hours early so she could stop in and check on her Mom every day. When she found her on the floor in the bedroom, having been there immobilized since a fall the previous night, it was the final straw. We had what was effectively an intervention, and moved her to a very nice multi-level facility (everything from independent living duplexes to several levels of assisted living units to full-on memory care) about ten minutes from my sister-in-law.

That was in August.

We went to see her around Christmas time, and she was a shadow of herself. We didn't think it was the care- my sister-in-law monitored it closely and what we observed both before we moved her in and while we were visiting was conscientious, respectful, and expert. But it was as though she'd decided her life was over, and she was waiting for her body to catch up.

Which it did, five months later. Would she have lived longer if she'd remained in her own house? We don't know. She didn't enjoy life much after my father-in-law died.

But it left us with a determination to move into an aging-in-place home while we are still young enough to MAKE it "home" and feel ownership and control there. We're looking now, for a one-story that's either designed for aging in place or can be retrofitted not too expensively for that. We want something that's close enough in town for services to reach us easily if/when we need them.

It's possible that even that won't be enough- one or the other of us may end up with some health condition that wouldn't be manageable even in a well-designed home space- but we figure we'll stack the odds in our favor as much as possible.

soberly,
Bright

[MineralMan]

64. It's good that you're recognizing and planning for your own future

needs. That should help you avoid some of the issues that faced your mother-in-law.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

61. I find stories like this so frustrating and discouraging.

What's frustrating and discouraging is that the elderly parents refuse to understand that they cannot stay home, especially if they live somewhere out in the country. I like to think that we younger people are going to be more sensible about what we will need to do as we age.

I'm 70, and I think a LOT about how I will manage when I get older. If I live long enough I know I'll need to give up driving, which means I'll want to be near good public transportation or living in a place that provides transportation. I honestly expect that at some point I'll move into an independent/assisted living place. I actually look forward to it, but not for some years yet.

[MineralMan]

67. I agree. My wife and I talk about that fairly often.

I'm hopeful we'll be able to make a move into a more self-sustaining home before too long. We've also been talking to our peers in my wife's family and group of friends. There is a discussion going about the possibility of establishing a group living arrangement, based on the group purchasing a small lake shore resort that already exists. Also under consideration is a similar situation, but located somewhere in Central America. I doubt that option will be fruitful, though. Those are having real problems financially, and some come up for sale each year. We're considering the idea as an ongoing living situation for the future.

I don't know if that will happen, of course, but it's an interesting possibility. It makes for good conversation, anyhow.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

74. Sort of a Golden Girls thing, right?

I'd say it will be essential, in a group situation, to make sure that you're near all the necessary services you'll need. Also, the issue of all old people in the same living arrangement strikes me as somewhat problematical. You might wind up with half a dozen people in their nineties who shouldn't be on their own but insist they're okay. But those are all easily solvable ahead of time.

But you are thinking about it, which is something the older generation seems not to have done.

[MineralMan]

76. Hell...We ARE the older generation now.

At 73, I'm old and I know it. Time's a'wasting.

On the group living thing, the reason for choosing a resort property is that the group can hire staff, as needed. If the place could be purchased outright, the sunk costs would be taken care of. We all have some income, so it's all a matter of figuring out the finances of the thing's operations.

One of the places I'm looking at has 12 nice cabins, a dining hall, and recreational facilities. It's not as expensive as you might think to buy, since it's not viable as a resort any longer, and nobody wants a facility like that for themselves. However, it might just work as a group assisted living environment. How much staff it would require is a little hard to estimate. And then, as you say, there might be a need for some healthcare staff down the road.

The math is kind of hard to work out accurately, but it's a possibility. It's close enough to a major population center that has outstanding healthcare facilities and close enough to a town that has people who could work there. Interesting.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

79. Sounds like you've thought this through.

Kind of a private independent/assisted living setup, which makes sense.

[study war no more]

62. It's hard to see them get frail

Over the past few years, my sister has repeatedly offered to sell her house and move in with my mother. Up until now, my mother has said, "we're not there yet." She has finally agreed, she is 'there.'

[calimary]

104. Welcome to DU, study war no more.

This is a really valuable thread. I appreciate all the input here - I know it will help and comfort. Both my parents and my dear mother-in-law went down long, slow, and hard. Deteriorating by the day. With my mom and dad, it was physical. For my mother-in-law, it was both physical AND mental. Slow and agonizing. Especially the part about knowing it's NOT going to get better. That THEY are not going to get better.

It's good that at least we're talking about it, though. Empathy helps a lot.

[Lifelong Protester]

65. August 8th is when my world stopped.

My husband fell and had to have surgery- that was it. I am with my sister now (in California) and he is in a care center He needs more surgery. He thinks the Mayo Clinic is the best ,but now he has to go elsewhere.
It is not a good situation. It all sucks.

And today is our anniversary.

[MineralMan]

68. I'm sorry to hear that, and hope you can find

a good solution.

[LeftInTX]

69. I feel for you and anyone who has to take charge of elderly parents

Both of my parents died while they were living independently.
There were some issues and concerns, but my mom died suddenly (aneurysm - 82) and my dad worked until the day he died (metastatic cancer - 87)


One of my grandmother's died while playing cards.
Another grandmother was in assisted living. She broke her hip there. Then they put her in a nursing home. She wanted to die right away, so she didn't cooperate. She was hoping to get pneumonia, but she never did. It took her three years to die.

Both of my grandfather's died fairly quickly.

They had issues with my great grandfather. He didn't believe in hospitals. He would run away. He finally had to go to a nursing home. He said, "My life is over now" and died the day he was admitted.

My uncle had Alzheimer's and my cousin cared for him in her home. I don't know how she did it.

The grandmother who died while playing cards always said, "I don't want to go nursery". She had mild arthritis, but her real issue was she had never learned to drive, so could not live independently. Her rides were dying off and moving away, her doctor appts were becoming more frequent and so were her needs for rides.

[HipChick]

71. This is so sad for me to read...I took early retirement

to move back home, my parents are not quite there yet with moving into an assisted living place..
my father is dealing with dementia, and my mother is overwhelmed with being his primary carer..
I have not figured out what I'm going to do for healthcare for myself, I got more than an decade or so before any medicare kicks in

This is not an easy road or journey for all involved...

[MineralMan]

75. All of us have our own stories about this.

What seems clear is that we haven't figured out quite what to do about our unique situations.

My wife and I sold our house in California and moved here after her father had a stroke. We knew at the time it would be a one-way move. We simply could not afford to relocate back to California at this point. Then, along came Bush's recession, which ate up what we had put away for retirement, not that it was adequate.

So, we're stuck in Minnesota for now. We want to move somewhere, and probably will down the road, but everything is up in the air.

My wife just signed up for social security at age 62. Her first payment comes this month. But, we're both still working. There will be some inheritance from my parents at some point, but not enough to fully retire.

We could look at choices we made and think about ways we could have done different things, but that's not useful, really. Instead, we need to assess our situation once we know what it is, and make new decisions. Where to live. How to live. We may end up leaving the US for some place with a lower cost (and standard) of living. That's an option. We're talking with age-peers we're close to about maybe doing a group living thing somewhere, but that may not work out, given the individual hopes and wishes of everyone.

It's puzzling, but life's like that. It's always a puzzle, really, and plans don't always come to fruition.

It's a long journey, with no road maps that clearly mark where you are and where you're going. Such is life, I guess.

Anyhow, we hang in there and try to figure out what will work best. That's all we can do.

[Jarqui]

72. This is my first Christmas ever without my mother

10 years of Alzheimer's so she was mentally gone before this year.
A lot of sibling fights over how to take care of her during that time.
We're still trying to heal up.
My father departed a few years ago.
I'm kind of emotionally hollowed out from it all.

[PJMcK]

77. We're in the same canoe, MineralMan

My father got very ill before Thanksgiving and my brother and sister and I have been tag-team caring for him since.

He's lived alone in a big house since our mother died nine years ago. It's time for him to be in an assisted living facility and, man, he is fighting it tooth and nail! Then, once we've talked a little, he'll comment how nice it will be to have someone else cook for him! The boomeranging gives me whiplash and a headache.

Although you are a bit older than I-- as are our parents-- I share your mood about the end of life. Especially during the holidays.

My mother was dying of throat cancer due to a lifelong adoration of Pall Mall unfiltered cigarettes. One Christmas season, she was absolutely determined to go to Massachusetts for our annual family reunion. She made it there, saw all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren then went home and passed away a couple of days later.

I hope your and your family have peace through this time of transition.

[Dem2theMax]

78. I spent seven years taking care of my parents.

I lived with them and was their caregiver 24/7. I wouldn't change a thing, and I would have done it for 20 years if that was what was needed.

Taking care of aging parents, whether you are in their home or across the country, is the hardest job in the world. But all I could ever think was, they took care of me when I was a baby, and now the roles have been reversed and it is my turn.

It is hard to watch your parents, the people you always thought of as the ones who always knew what to do, all of a sudden not know what to do. All of a sudden you start seeing fear in the face of a man who survived World War II, because he is worried about how he is going to pay his medical bills. You see your mom and dad start worrying about each other, and wondering who is going to go first. Each of them wanted to be the first one to go, as the one who was left behind would have to deal with the pain. My dad lost that one. My mom went first.

My parents died six years ago, five months apart. It was the hardest time of my life, and I still struggle with the loss. They were 93 and 94 years of age when they passed.

The three of us were blessed in that there were no mental issues. But the last year of my mother's life, we were at the doctor's five days a week. I am not exaggerating. I have lost track of the number of times we had hospital stays, or one of them had to be in rehab for a few weeks at a time.

I so feel for those of you who have had to watch your parents go into assisted living. My parents greatest fear was that they would have to leave their home. We got lucky, and that never had to happen. I promised them that as long as I was breathing, they would be in their own home, and we made it. But not everyone is that lucky.

I can say, without a doubt, that this was the most stressful time of my life. But it was also the most rewarding. The only words of wisdom that I can offer to anyone going through this is to try to find the moments of joy and laughter that come in between all the problems, and hang on to them for dear life. Even when things are going very wrong, somehow silly things happen. We always took joy in those moments, and we laughed our heads off. Those are the memories I hold onto now. And I still laugh till I cry when I think of them. And those tears are tears of happiness, not of sadness.

My parents were very down to earth people, and we had no problems in talking about life and death. If you have that opportunity, take it. Once your parents are gone, you will know that you discussed the things you needed to talk about and it will help to give you some sense of peace.

Most of all, talk about love. The last words my mom and dad and I said to each other were 'I love you.' I was holding their hands as they died, and I take great comfort in knowing that I helped make their journey a little easier.

[applegrove]

81. We had my parents in a retirement residence. We wanted to keep them

together so we dealt with one assisted living issue after another because it was not a nursing home. My sister had to figure everything out. Thankfully she was there. Even with excellent private health care aides someone in our family had to negotiate with the retirement home to widen doorways or to put bars up, etc. We kept my parents together until my mom passed. My dad moved into a nursing home. And all the nursing issues were all ready solved there. It was so much easier on us. Dad adjusted well. Been there three years. He's had a few close calls but does seem to be doing well right now. He's safer. He's very well taken care of. We are lucky.

[NJCher]

83. comments on "it's hard"

Interesting thread. It strikes me that when we say it's hard to see the decline of a person, it's because we are matching the person to what they were in their prime. Do we look at an autumn leaf and say, "Oh, too bad you are gold now instead of spring green." No, we don't do that.

Do we look at an old car that we've kept for reasons of sentimentality and say, "You're not very nice now that you're old. You don't run like you used to, and it's hard to continue with you because of that." Of course not: that is one reason we kept the old car. There is something lovable about the quality of the car that was made at a certain time--and which manufacturers now can no longer afford to make because of the competitive nature of the marketplace.

Yeah, I know humans are not leaves or cars. They are flesh and blood--usually our own flesh and blood--but there is something to be said about taking a life cycle view of human life and just accepting it for what it is.

One might argue that we say it's hard to see the decline of a loved one because we want the best for them. We want to see them with their faculties in good working order. We want them enjoying life to the fullest. I'm sure that happens--it just doesn't happen to very many of us, just like how very many of us didn't become millionaires in the the "great" American capitalistic system.

At the same time, perhaps the decline in one's faculties makes the release on life more gradual. That is one thing I have observed about the natural world: seldom does it make an abrupt, sudden turn. So the decline in one's faculties are like the dimming of a light and it serves the purpose of making it easier for us to disengage with this world slowly, bit by bit.

[lostnfound]

85. The blessed moments that may still occur

I’m sorry that you are going through this, friend.

I am always stunned when I hear people in their 60s and 70s talk about how their parents are doing. I lost mine when I was in my early twenties - my dad to some type of brain problem, and my mom a few years later to her third bout of cancer.

I loved them and still miss them so much, but I don’t feel sorry for myself for losing them young. At least I was an adult, in college for one and two years into my career for the second. Such a strange mix of feelings: grief, gratitude, love blending together. I realized how lucky I was to have had such loving parents, and I had a brother and sister to hang onto.

One or two memories stand out clearly from that time, well remembered thirty years later. Small graces, in between the challenges and tears. Moments where the strength is just enough, or a fragment of a memory shows up when you least expect it. Maybe they matter all the more because they are hard-won.

I hope you find yourself collecting those sacred moments. Take care of yourself too, it’s hard.

[marlakay]

86. I don't feel alone reading this

My mom is 91 and lives in a over 55 apt building same apt for last 30 yrs, on second floor no elevator concrete steps.

I asked her 12 yrs ago to get on list to move downstairs, she said it takes years but she signed up, so every few years I kept asking and she kept having excuses until finally I found out she lied and never signed up and now she really needs it!

She and I had huge argument a few years ago where she said she wants to stay in apt till she dies.

She won’t let anyone paint or fix up place. I did pay granddaughter to clean for her, do laundry and shop. I live one state away. She refuses meals on wheels because she doesn’t like what they cook.

She got two eye laser surgeries so she could redo car license, I couldn’t believe she passed last year for another four years. She is one of those that goes super slow on freeway. Car has lots of dents.

My daughter thinks my independent mom is great and encourages her to keep doing everything.
Like driving two hours on busy freeway to visit her. Ugh!

She lies about falls and other medical things because she is afraid we will move her.

I finally thought if living in apt to the end makes her happy I will try not to change that. I just wish she wasn’t driving but I know she goes out less and less as walking is hard for her.

My granddaughter lives in her town now and checks on her so at least that is happening.

We all took her out for Thanksgiving and my daughter will for Christmas.

I can’t control my stubborn mom.

We (me and two daughters) have all offered to have her with us and she says no.

I will end by saying the hardest part is I have never been close to my mom, I was best friends with my dad who died in 2000. My brother clashed with my mom even more than me and stopped seeing her over ten years ago.

[blueinredohio]

93. I know the feeling about stubborn mothers.

My mom and I got along great but when I tried to get her to live with me she stayed for two days and nights then said she was going to go home to die in her own house. She went back home with all the siblings helping out. She lived for about six months after that. But she got her wish and died at home. Maybe all this should teach us lessons about what not to do to our kids.

[nini]

88. I had that revelation about my mom's last Christmas last year.

She died in April.. She too held out for her independence for as long as she could. My 2 RN sisters were exhausted trying to care for her and work. I was able to talk her into assisted living somehow. She absolutely loved it after she settled in. The social life alone kept her going for a while.

You just know when you get to that point when the decline accelerates and you know you're down to months. Glad you can enjoy them and good you can do so much for them.

[47of74]

112. My maternal Grandma lived at her home until about 4 months before her passing

Grandma was 91 and still living at home with two of her children. Didn't need too much help except with yard work and some of the more physical chores. In addition to the children at home with her she had lots of help from her other children and grandchildren, many of whom lived nearby. Then she got ill and was in and out of hospitals and from there into a nursing home and was gone a couple months later. Once she started down hill she declined really fast and was gone in early July 2003.

I remember Christmas 2002 looking at her I just had the feeling it was her last Christmas. She knew herself that her time was coming because she told my cousin that she wouldn't be around when my cousin told her about her wedding date.

[nini]

123. It's a strange feeling isn't it

I had it with my dad too.. You just know.

[BobTheSubgenius]

90. My father was, contrary to ALL expectations, in care for a few years.

I believe I got my rather impressive health recovery ability from him. His first stroke was THE big one, and left him a shadow of his former, robust self, although still nowhere near as frail as others in a similar boat. He had chronic health conditions that didn't really slow him down - phlebitis, enlarged heart, arrhythmia, and Type 2 diabetes. By the time he died, he had survived 5 more, smaller strokes, a fall out of bed that left him in a coma for several days, a bleeding ulcer that almost left him so anemic his heart wanted to stop, and colon cancer. His 7th stroke was what finally did him in.

He complained, wheedled, bargained and even lied to people to try to get "home." Certain family members, some friends and a few of his neighbours blamed me for him being there.

You know what? You don't get to put your relatives in ICU, then ECU on a whim. A LOT of health professionals, social workers and psych people do assessments.

But, to MineralMan.... you have had a tough row to hoe, I don't envy anyone standing where you are, but it sure must be a relief to hear acceptance. DO NOT feel guilty about it! This is all I know of your family situation, but it seems to me you have been a great son.

[BobTheSubgenius]

91. When I say "didn't really slow him down..."

I meant "...hadn't slowed him down, up to the time of the first stroke. I didn't even know of them, before that.

[SoCalDem]

95. I AM the "aging parent", and it DOES suck

Two of my sons live in Calif..and one about 2 hrs from me (just north of Seattle for him)

I've only been a widow for 7 weeks now, but I can understand why they worry about me.

When my husband and I decided to move to Washington state, we pegged this "last house" as our 7 year adventure.

This would be the place where he would FINALLY have all the space he needed (a 3,224 sq ft finished basement) to get his dream model train layout done..

He never did it ,though.. He died suddenly at 75. He only got 30 months of that 7 years..

Time & infirmity overwhelms us all, and he found that he did not have the energy he needed to do it. He collected for 50+ years.

We figured that after that 7 years we would be ready to really downsize..(we went from 1989 sq ft in SoCal to 6448 sq ft here)

Now it's just me & the 3 cats rattling around this monstrously huge house by ourselves.

A twice-a month housekeeper is starting next Monday and we already had a gardener, so household chores are not a big issue

I did promise my boys that I would not go down to the basement. I still have some bit of vertigo (a left over from the 2 strokes I had in 2014), so I am no fan of stairs..

Only two of the 5 bathrooms get used...one for me... one for the kitties
three bedrooms and a den are closed up and only ever used when company comes.

All 3 are coming here for Christmas, but I almost wish they were not. It won't be a "fun" holiday for any of us, but they would feel guilty if they did not come, so a la GOT's "Red Wedding", this will be known as "The Guilt Xmas"

We never know how much time we have left, but it is kind of scary to be the one left behind. Right now, I'm spending a lot of my time getting my own affairs in order so my sons will not have a minefield to navigate when my time comes..

By the time I finish this chore, I will hopefully be in a place mentally, to start down the "positive-ity path"

[LibDemAlways]

96. They are so fortunate to have each other at 94.

My dad passed away in 2009 at age 87. My mom is now 95 and will be in her own home until the day she passes, which, given the longevity in her family, will still be some years down the road. A cousin passed last year just shy of her 100th birthday, and my mom had several aunts who lived to be over 100.

I say she will be in her own home because there's no way I could ever get her to leave, even if it took a small army of caretakers along with my brother and me to be with her in the house fulltime. She's beyond stubborn, refuses to use a walker (even though she wobbles), has some short term memory loss, but can tell you all about the time she was hospitalized at age 4.

It's hard, though. I have had to curtail my work schedule to spend afternoons with her, taking care of the shopping, laundry, and meal prep along with tending to her personal grooming, medications, and doctor visits. My husband tolerates the situation, but often takes off by himself to enjoy the Sunday outings we used to do together. Vacations for the forseeable future are out of the question. I feel guilty when I go to visit my daughter an hour away because I'm imposing on my brother who works a 40 hour plus week at a demanding job and needs a break too.

I never realized how much company my parents were for each other and how increasingly dependent my mother would be once my dad was gone. Old age is definitely no fun. And it's a shame that the US has no provision for elder respite care through Medicare. Private help is simply unaffordable. I take some comfort in knowing that there are many in a similar situation. Lots of problems. Few easy answers.

[jeffreyi]

97. Sacred duty.

[C Moon]

99. Wow! 94! My dad passed away when I was 27. :( Loved the guy a lot, too. Still miss him.

[GeoWilliam750]

100. It sounds as though you have wonderful parents

Who unsurprisingly have wonderful children.

Your parents seem to have had a good full-to-the-brim life now approaching the end, full of love, and the difficulties you now face are those of loving deeply.

Personally, I have long thought that the greatest measure of success is having happy grandchildren; that is when you can tell if you have successfully done the only really important job in the world. It sounds as though your parents have been wildly successful.

Wishing you strength through the end.

[Luciferous]

105. My grandparents are 92 and 89, and my uncle lives with them. He moved

back in with them during the recession and while he wasn't thrilled about it I am glad he is there with them. My grandpa was just saying over Thanksgiving how lucky they are to have him, and I honestly don't think they would still be living in their own house if he wasn't living there. I have elderly neighbors who don't have any children who told me they probably won't be living in their house much longer. Right now they have someone that comes in to help but I don't know how long that will work since they have mobility issues.

[spinbaby]

106. I hope to make the move before it becomes necessary

My mother moved to one of those senior communities that provides complete care. She lived independently in a patio home for 20 years, then moved to assisted living and on to the dementia unit before she died last May. It was overall a wonderful place for her with lots of company and activities and, when she started to decline, they provided as much support as she needed.

At about the same time, my in-laws were insisting on staying in their own place. Many falls and an unsanitary hoarding situation later, my father in-law wound up in a very unpleasant nursing home where he eventually died. Because they refused to do anything before it became an emergency, they wound up in the worst possible circumstances.

I know which choice I want to make and I hope to have the good sense to do it before I start to decline.

[MineralMan]

107. Thanks to everyone for all the good wishes and comments!

This is a subject that affects many of us. It's good to talk about it from time to time.

[samplegirl]

108. Yes it sure does

And I prevented my mother some of that by moving her in with us for 10 years but it was hard on me. I dread the thought of not being able to stay put but it’s the way it is.

[47of74]

109. My grandpa was very resistant to moving

Grandma was on board with moving into assisted living but Grandpa was not and insisted he was going to move back home to the farm once spring planting started. That didn’t happen and Grandpa was more accepting of the move after he and Grandma were allowed to return to their house for a few hours whenever they wanted. He wasn’t able to do much but continued to help my uncle run the farm as much as he could. Alowing him to have that level of control really helped get him to accept the move. Assisted living gave Grandpa a few more years of life than what he would’ve had otherwise. Most of it he was healthy and comfortable.

[MineralMan]

110. There is an adjustment that has to be made in that move.

It takes time, always. Getting past that adjustment period can be tough for many people. I'm hopeful that my father is finally making that adjustment to a new lifestyle.

[Dem_4_Life]

111. I understand what it is like.

My grandparents were in Houston and it took us 3 years to finally convince them to sell their home and move to San Antonio. They had been in Houston since 1950 and have deep roots in the City. Once they finally agreed to move it was the best decision ever! Although it was not easy for my mother and I since we had to give up a lot of our free time to be there for them and take them places I wouldn't change a thing. They moved to an independent living apartment which was absolutely amazing. When they were getting ready to move my Grandma fell and ended up needing a hip replacement which literally almost killed her. Once we were able to rescue her from this "rehab hospital" the hospital in Houston transferred her to (without the families consent) then we had her transferred to a rehab facility at a nursing home across the street. This was convenient since my Grandpa was able to settle in to their apartment and then the driver at his apartment would drive him across the street to spend time with her. We would then pick him up and take him to dinner and back home. We did this for months until finally she could upgrade to the assisted living for a month before she could go home to their independent living apartment.

My grandpa also had his fair share of medical ups and downs and they really were both borderline needing more assistance than independent living however they really didn't enjoy the AL and felt it was too restricted. We were SUPER LUCKY to find the most amazing caregiver after going through many that are not trustworthy and multiple police reports from thieves and people who take advantage of old people. But once we found their caregiver she literally was like a part of the family. They even referred to her as a daughter. They have both passed away in 2016 and 2017 and she and I are still good friends and she still grieves they deaths since she loved them so much.

The assisted living facility was super awesome however my grandparents still had really good minds up to the end and the AL lifestyle really was too big of a jump from the lifestyle they were used to in Houston. By hiring their caregiver (she was there 5.5 days a week) they had the benefits of having more assistance but the benefit of having more options of things to do and freedom of hanging out with more active friends. We also found that in the end it was cheaper to pay for caregiver (we paid her $15 hour) + their rent was cheaper in the end than the AL monthly rent.

Also, for giving up driving we had that fight for YEARS!!!! Once they moved to SA it was so much easier for my grandpa to give up the keys since he didn't want to learn his way around. He also really loved and embraced having his own "driver" LOL

I wish you all the luck with your parents and can totally relate with all that you are and will be going through. I would not give any of the great moments we had with them in the end and it was totally worth all the time I had to give up to be there. Luckily I have the most amazing boss that didn't mind if I went to doctors appointments 3 times a week or would have to leave if they "needed" me.

[extvbroadcaster]

113. You have no idea how bad it can get

My parents would not leave their house. They would not move to a single story house. My father and mother both began to suffer from memory problems and dementia in their early 80's. My father would not give up driving, even after he had a wreck and totaled his truck. He ran a red light and was lucky he did not kill anybody. My father had a house full of guns. He was angry, and we kids had to take his guns away. We were afraid he would shoot one of us or the neighbors who he argued with all the time. He never forgave us for taking his guns. He would sit for hours in the kitchen and be angry. When he had a heart attack and passed away, my mother began to have dementia so bad she could not live alone. We put her in assisted living, and it was a nightmare. It was hard to find any facility to take her. When we found a place, she was violent with the nurses and they threatened to kick her out They demanded we pay somebody to sit with her on the clock 24/7 for a time. This on top of the regular nursing staff. The fees, costs, medical, everything was thousands and thousands each month. She had long term care insurance, and they would not pay or would pay slowly. We had to threaten to sue. The hospital medicated her so much she was comatose. She finally passed away from Alzheimer's. The nightmare was so bad for my sister and I we could hardly cope. The stress was so bad, with each phone call it was another problem and crisis. We dreaded the phone ringing. This went on for years. And we met people that had it as bad as us for even longer. So if all you are confronting is just basic problems of aging parents feel fortunate. You have no idea what kind of waking nightmare elderly parents can be.

[MineralMan]

115. I'm sorry you had that experience.

Truly.

[peggysue2]

114. I commiserate, MM

Been there, done that. And it's never easy. Not with my father who spent the last 14 months of his life on an Alzheimer's ward. Not with my mother who was no longer capable of living independently. Or my mother-in-law who lived with us for her last 2 years. Even with my father-in-law who ended up dying in his easy chair at home, the decisions for care were difficult to make and even more difficult to watch.

No one wants to give up their independence. Not anyone I've known. I think because people too often see it as a sign of weakness, admitting frailty and advanced age. And yet, that's our fate. All of us.

The only thing I've learned? You do the best you can and hope that it's enough. But yes it sucks, regardless. It just does.

[KentuckyWoman]

117. Another K and R to show support

I agree, this end of life business sucks. My most heartfelt hugs to you and you family. Not to mention the kind and patient souls who care for your parents day in day out.

I still have my Dad, who is 97. Body failing by inches, mind pretty good. He lives one of the great granddaughters, a nurse by trade, who's husband makes enough that she can afford not to work while raising kids. We are very fortunate to have her.

We "switch off" as well about every 3 months we go stay at their house while they are gone and take care of Dad, the dogs etc. My brother is gone, but his kids and grand kids do a good job helping out.

My heart to you and yours.

[MineralMan]

118. Thanks so much!

[cry baby]

124. Well said, MM. I live with my 91 yr old mother.

6 yrs ago, my dad got sick. I lived in Tennessee and my parents were in Texas. I'm an only child so these matters fall to me. I moved to Texas and have been there since. Dad died 2 years after he got sick and my mom just wasn't able to be alone.

It's very difficult to have the patience needed to make the remaining days of a parent as pleasant as possible.

It's the great love in your heart for your parents that you advocate for their safest solutions to the particular problems that elderly people run into. Your parents are so very lucky to have you, even though you're miles away.

When I feel like I'm going to loose it, I'll try to remember your patience and kindness toward your mom and dad.

[MineralMan]

125. Thanks. Sometimes it takes stepping outside and

taking a few deep breaths before returning to deal with the next problem. The very hardest thing to overcome is that parents always see you as that 16-17 year old kid you were before you moved on into your own life. At age 73, I can't be that kid anymore, so there is a built-in conflict there.

I finally had to have a talk with my father about that. He wasn't listening to my suggestions at all. I mean, why would you listen to a teenager? I explained it to him as clearly and kindly as I could, and he did finally get my point. We're both a couple of hard-headed men, but I learned that from him, so we had to reset the boundaries.

There are so many little challenges. My father hates wearing his hearing aids. But, he doesn't understand what is said to him without them, and tends to answer the question he imagines he heard, rather than the one that was asked. I explained that one to him and told him that part of the problem he was having is that he didn't actually hear what others said, and that interfered with understanding things, and prevented real communication. I did that after a visit with my mother's doctor, who said many things, most of which my father misunderstood.

We all see the world through our own eyes, regardless of our age, but old age brings with it a distortion of things sometimes. It's important to point that out so it is understood. Now, my father makes sure his hearing aids are in, have batteries that work, and that he's actually listening to people. If he doesn't understand, he asks now. It has helped.

[cry baby]

126. I sure understand! My mom refuses to get hearing aids.

She's a stubborn woman...LOL!

I know that taking your reasoned advice has improved his life.

Best of luck, Mr. Man!

[samnsara]

128. OMG do i relate!! add in: crazy siblings accusing me of slapping my 94 yr old dad..

...and now suing to take my POA away. GOOD LORD I dont even squish bugs! My mom passed in April JUST as my hubby and I closed on a house for them to live in the same town as we do. Now my RN sis who is crazy as a loon is
living with him but shes a retired RN and single.


IM SO sorry you are going thru this with your parents. Its so hard....even with a functional family. Enjoy every single minute you have with them. Make sure ALL their paper work and last wishes are in writing and all know whats expected. We tried for 4 years to get dad to give up the 'lap of luxury'.. a run down dilapidated house on an acre of weeds 45-90 miles away from their kids. Things really change when even one parent passes.