I always suspected rapists chose the most vulnerable people

[Fresh_Start]

“He revealed that Ms. Watson was the victim of a prior rape,” Nancy Erika Smith, Watson’s attorney, wrote in the second statement. “That is true. Ms. Watson was raped by a basketball player during her sophomore year at Duke. She went to the Dean, who provided no help and discouraged her from pursuing the claim further. Ms. Watson also told friends, including Justin Fairfax. Mr. Fairfax then used this prior assault against Ms. Watson, as he explained to her during the only encounter she had with him after the rape.

“She left a campus party when he arrived, and he followed her out. She turned and asked, 'Why did you do it?' Mr. Fairfax answered: “I knew that because of what happened to you last year, you’d be too afraid to say anything.”

https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaab/acc/2019/02/08/justin-fairfax-accuser-duke-basketball-player-rape-allegation/2820573002/


Note: Dr Tyson was also exceptionally vulnerable because she was already an incest victim....

[Loki Liesmith]

1. That dialogue sounds like a bad screenplay

[58Sunliner]

2. Your reply sounds like a lame attempt at dismissing the seriousness of the allegations.

[Loki Liesmith]

3. Do you think I care?

I’m not dismissing anything. But until someone produces evidence I could not possibly give one single shit. Evidence, then action.

[smirkymonkey]

4. What?

You don't care what has happened to this person unless hard evidence is produced? Do you know how difficult that is in a rape case?

What is wrong with you?

[LexVegas]

20. They are probably still on the fence about Weinstein too. nt

[smirkymonkey]

21. No doubt.

Shocking to find that here on a Democratic website, though.

[LexVegas]

22. After the last few days nothing shocks me. nt

[cspanlovr]

5. And it is a good lesson to learn...

Never tell a man the bad things that have happened to you in the past. Too many use the information to prey on you later. If a new male friend or boyfriend wants to know details of your past (how many lovers, etc) it should send up red flags. I had this happen to me. I had too much wine, he started pumping me for information, and I paid for that until our relationship ended. My feeling is that it is nobody's business, they are rude to ask, so go right ahead and LIE, LIE, LIE, DENY, DENY, DENY, just like they would! That is, if you want to continue the friendship/relationship. Never tell a man you've been mistreated in a relationship. Always say the men in your past treated you like a queen. Lying sucks, but in these situations its mandatory. Sounds crazy? It is crazy! But its good advice.

[Fresh_Start]

6. I didn't make that connection but it makes sense

other than I would think diverted rather than lying would be better for relationships.

[cspanlovr]

7. Agree

Its a poor way to start a relationship, but I stand by it if diversion doesn't work.

[Ms. Toad]

8. Yes, but that's not exactly the point.

Women who grow up expecting abuse (they watched their fathers beat their mothers - and were perhaps abused themselves as children) often grow up to subconsciously choose men similar to their fathers. They have no other role model. Similarly - men who grow up watching their male role models abuse the women around them learn that is the way real men act - and they choose women similar to their mothers/sisters/etc. who stayed despite the abuse.

It is a well-documented self-perpetuating cycle that is very hard for either party to break out of. I don't believe that merely not disclosing your past will break the cycle. It may be a start - but men who abuse are very very good at identifying women who will have difficulty merely walking away when the abuse starts - regardless of whether they specifically know of your past.

(BTW - none of this is to say it is the victim's fault. Abuse is ALWAYS the fault of the abuser. Period. It is also not to say that the only women who are abused/the only abusers witnessed abusive parental relationships. But there is a documented cycle that it is very hard for either party to break free from once the abuse starts.)

And - it is similar for rapists. They get extraordinarily good at choosing "good/compliant" victims. Women who had been raped repeatedly by different men were one of the norms in the decade I worked at a rape crisis center in a major city.

I was definitely targeted by my rapist (according to the police, he raped about a dozen women before me each of whom was chosen because he was able correctly predicted our "white guilt" responses to his initial advances).

[Fresh_Start]

10. The first rape...made the 2nd rape feel like it was my fault

I must be giving out some "rape me" signal.
It did not make me more likely to report, it made me less likely because I felt complicit.

I'm glad to know it wasn't just me although of course it doesn't mean that I wanted others to be raped more than once, it means that I am glad to know that its not my fault that I had two rapists.

Thank you for the information

[Ms. Toad]

13. All common feelings -

I'd say almost universal for women raped a second time (by a different man). The first time seems totally random - but when it happens again, you start to think why is lightening striking me again. I thought that wasn't supposed to happen - I must have some super-secret lightening rod stuck to the top of my head.

But no - not your fault. Ever.

I used being targeted to make some changes to make it less likely rapists will target me. It's not a fail-safe (rapists are gonna rape) - but taking a street fighting class changed how I carry myself, so I'm less likely to be targeted at a distance (I look like I might fight back). I'm also - especially when I'm in an unfamiliar area more likely to "act like a jerk" in response to street harassment. I know what it can lead to - and I want to send clear signals not to mess with me; that I will not be an easy target.

It's not so much stopping a "rape me" signal - since no one asks to be raped, as learning to affirmatively send out a "don't mess with me" signal. Bullies don't pick on the biggest, most aggressive person in the class, since they want an easy win. So I'm like a skinny scrawny cat (or a puffer-fish) who puffs up to twice my size when I sense danger so whatever wants to eat me has second thoughts. I shouldn't have to do that. If (as happens) I occasionally lapse because I'm distracted, or sick, or whatever - and someone breaks through my defenses - still not my fault. Period.

All of that works less well when the rapist is known, since just like I know my puffed up cat is just an illusion, if the rapist knows me they have seen me in my skinny-scrawny state.

[KWR65]

9. I talked to a psychologist once and she told me that all abusers look for victims

If you learn to tell people no whenever they make you uncomfortable you are less likely to be a victim.

[Fresh_Start]

11. Good to know

unfortunately for me, i was a people pleaser trying to keep a broken family from entirely disintegrating. I still can't say no.

[Blue_true]

17. You need to take a few seconds and think about your best interests.

That will make saying no easier in situations that are bad for you and in chosing the right situations for yourself. I had to learn that lesson as a 20 year old, I could not satisfy every request for my time or the little money that I had.

[dsc]

14. she did the university

and they ruled against her.

[Ms. Toad]

15. She did not name the basketball player - or even disclose an earlier rape.

Fairfax did - in another act of victim shaming/blaming.

All rape survivors have the right to control who and under what circumstances they disclose their rapes. Insisting otherwise wrests control from the rape survivor, who has already experienced the rapist taking physical control over her body. Survival requires taking control back.

She disclosed about Fairfax because she saw the challenges heaped on Tyson, and the allegations that Tyson was lying. Based on her own experiences, she knew to her core that Tyson was telling the truth - and acted to counter a real risk that Tyson would be branded a liar and Fairfax would continue as Lt. Governor, absent other rape victims coming forward.

As for the basketball player - and your speculation about him being a pro in the NBA - even if he is a pro in the NBA, how does that even compare to the harm of permitting someone to continue in the second highest office in the state (and of permitting another victim to be branded a liar). Aside from which, the chances that a college basketball player is an NBA pro is less than 1%, so you're grasping at straws.

Further - she did disclose the rape to the appropriate individuals at the college, and there were no consequences. Absent some specific need (like her rapist being able to brand a fellow victim as a liar, and continue to hold the second highest office in the state), why would she subject herself to more of what was heaped on her when she disclosed the first time?

[TeamPooka]

18. I missed the part where fairfax did it. that's bad. very dissapointed in Duke.

[Fresh_Start]

16. Because her goal in coming forward was to defend Tyson

and the basketball player didn't rape Tyson

[malaise]

19. If this is true Fairfax is worse

than scum