Before any sort of touching of others, ask yourself this:

[MineralMan]

Does that person want the touch I want to give? If you don't know the answer to be "yes," then keep your hands to yourself.

If you are not in an established relationship of some kind with someone, how could you possibly know how they would feel? And by an established relationship, I mean any sort of relationship. You have no relationship with the person you want to touch? Keep your hands to yourself.

If you are in a relationship of any kind with someone that is in its beginning stages, use caution and ask whether what you want to do is welcome. In some cases, like saying goodnight after a first date with someone, that person may signal that it's OK to hug or kiss. For example a turned up face with eyes half-closed is probably an invitation. If you're not seeing signals, you can ask, but you should always be prepared for a negative answer. If you get a negative response, it's not necessarily you, but could just be reticence on the part of the other person to advance the relationship at that time. Ask again another time, if there is one.

Is the person you want to touch a co-worker, colleague, or someone of that nature? Well, unless you've developed some sort of personal relationship beyond the typical one, physical contact is probably not a good idea.

There is one form of potential physical contact that is almost always appropriate, however, even with strangers you meet or to whom you are introduced. You can always extend your hand to request a handshake. In most cases, the other person will accept your gesture, but some people never shake hands, so if your invitation isn't returned by the person extending his or her hand, let it pass.

Bottom line: Your impulse to touch, hug, kiss, or otherwise make contact belongs only to you. It doesn't mean that the other person shares it. So, unless you're certain that your physical gesture is wanted, ask or don't do it at all. It's really simple. What you want does not obligate anyone else in any way. Assuming that you have a right to do as you wish is simply rude.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

1. A distinction needs to be made between touching with a sexual intent,

which is never appropriate unless the touchee is someone with whom you have an existing relationship of that nature, and touching just because the toucher likes to touch other people because that's what they do to express the desire for a friendly (non-sexual) connection. The latter behavior may be harmless and well-intended but people should realize that not everyone is comfortable being touched by strangers, and that if the touchee is female and the toucher is male the gesture can be interpreted under some circumstances as sexual even if it wasn't intended that way. That sort of well-intended, nonsexual contact shouldn't be demonized, but the general rule should be that if you don't know someone, keep your hands off them.

And sometimes the touching is a way of establishing phony intimacy - as with some salespeople who can't seem to keep their hands off you when you're shopping for a car or looking at a house that's for sale. Some sales course probably taught them that if they pat their customer's arm or shoulder incessantly while pitching their sale, the customer will feel like the salesperson likes them and wants to be their friend, thereby making it easier to close the deal. That, in particular, bugs the heck out of me, not just because they're invading my personal space but because they're being phony about it.

Short answer: If you don't know me, don't f&cking touch me.

[MineralMan]

2. For me, the other person is the primary person.

Many people do not like being touched by people they don't know well. Considering that, I don't assume that my physical gesture, even a completely non-sexual gesture, is appropriate. What I want to do takes second place to what the other person might feel about what I might do. If I don't know, then I don't touch. If it's important, I'll ask. Otherwise, I will simply use words to express myself.

I would far rather err on the side of being too cautious, or even being seen as stand-offish, than to potentially cause discomfort for someone else.

Your final sentence is what guides me. You are not alone in being uncomfortable about being touched by strangers.

Still, my good friends know me as a ready hugger. It's all about my knowledge of those I hug.

[mulsh]

3. Always ask the person if it is o.k. for you to touch them. You may be surprised by their response &

even more surprised at the long term effects of that simple question garners.

Self reflection is usually a very good first step, Having permission or knowing why not is a very good first or second step.

[MineralMan]

4. Yes. Asking shows your respect for the other person's wishes.

That respect goes a long way toward establishing a good relationship with that person. I remember a relationship with a young woman I knew in my early 20s. We started out as just friends. As time passed, I discovered that I hoped the relationship would become a romantic one, but was concerned about letting her know how I felt. More time passed. I wasn't seeing any open signals that she felt the same way, so I did not press the point.

Then, one day, she said, "Are you ever going to kiss me?" I did, of course, immediately. We talked, and she told me that she was also thinking about shifting directions in the relationship but was also worried about a romantic connection interfering with our friendship. That was why I wasn't seeing signals from her, and why I wasn't sending signals to her.

As it turned out, our romantic relationship was relatively brief, but we returned to being close friends. Had I asked her earlier, we probably would have discovered that earlier. But, I didn't, and she didn't realize that I was hoping for a romantic connection, and so didn't do anything about it either.

The bottom line was that no harm was done by waiting. We tried out the romance, and it didn't work out, but that was OK, too.

I learned from that, and never again let anything similar happen. I learned to let my feelings be known, and to accept the response, either way. I should have asked her earlier.