I'm Seriously Considering Cutting Ties With My Sister

[WiffenPoof]

Last edited Sun Aug 11, 2019, 10:59 AM - Edit history (1)

My sister is my only sibling. We have never been super close but being the only ones remaining in our family, a decision like this is not easy.

In some ways we couldn't be more different. Where I received a Masters, she never finished high school. She has had somewhat of a rough life. Where I had a thirty-year career at US Santa Barbara in the academic world, she had often been on welfare and was reduced to becoming a foster parent to make ends meet.

Things have sort of come to a head, although we have had our differences. She once tried to tell me a joke right after Katrina. She asked why so many blacks died in the wake of this terrible storm. I asked why, holding my breath. She said it was because blacks can't swim. I didn't laugh.

Now, with everything that has happened in recent years we have politely stayed away from politics. But I guess it was inevitable.

We started texting each other on current events and I started getting the impression that she may have fallen into the dark side. I actually thought for a while that she hated Trump as much as I did. I was wrong. It all started with the whole Baltimore thing and Elijah Cummings. She was praising Trump for bringing the plight of this major city to the attention on the nation so they could finally get some help.

I emailed her explaining that Donald Trump (being a person who hits back twice as hard as he is hit) was only trying to embarrass Cummings because Cummings had been calling for his impeachment.

Response: Nothing

So I sent her the video of the news anchor from Baltimore who was almost brought to tears as a result of Trump's attack.

Response: She said she had seen it.

Unsolicited, I forwarded the twenty-five minute video of Biden's "Battle for the soul of our country" speech telling her to watch the entire speech... That she owed it to her country.

Response: She said she had seen it.

Finally. I forwarded the video of the 11 year old who was crying because her parents were arrested and were going to be deported. I added a text that said in part, that I do not know exactly what the answer is, but I know that THIS isn't it.

Response: She said that she had seen it.

I asked her if she had any response to what I had written and forwarded to her.

She proceeded to write this very long text basically stating that it was the fault of the father for breaking the law in the first place. It was followed by what appeared to be the Right Wing talking points of how illegal immigrants are overtaking our country, getting welfare and free healthcare while our people "suffer."

I responded by asking: You mean "suffer" like this little girl is suffering? This was lost on her. I added that the little girl didn't care whose fault it was, she just wanted her parents. That Trump was using this child's suffering as a deterrent and that was nothing less than an act of cruelty. I ended by saying that I realized she had drank the Kool-Aid and that she now had a new set of truths. And that there could be nothing I could say that would sway her beliefs. I added that when it comes to a child who is suffering, nothing else matters.

Anyway, I'm now in a position where I need to make a decision. I normally would not associate with anyone who expressed such a lack of empathy or compassion. I can't see that being related mitigates the situation. I have not texted her in a couple of days. Soon she will ask me why.

I am heartbroken.

-----
ON EDIT:

To clarify, I am my sister's younger male sibling.

First, thanks again for all of the responses. What I hope for most of all is that others will gain insight from this thread and that it will help them with similar issues.

I have decided not to cut ties with my sister. Rather I will make a major effort to avoid any political discussion with her.

My sister and I are in our sixties and we remain the only two in our family. Regardless of our differing political positions,i know that we both love each other and genuinely care about each others lives. In the end, it is love that should triumph over all.

Having said this, I will allow for a period of silence between us so that she gets the message that our previous political discussions are to be left in the past.

One of the posters stated that my decision is between family and principles. Principles have played a huge role in my life and I seldom if ever compromise them. As long as I know in my heart of hearts that my principles remain intact, there is no reason to carry resentment over politics when it comes to my relationship with my sister. There is more to life than politics and I plan to enhance those areas to the betterment of our relationship.

Thanks again.

[Phoenix61]

1. I haven't talked to my brother in years.

At some point it just became easier to not have a relationship with him. There was nothing positive about our relationship. At some point you have to decide if it’s worth maintaining that relationship. If the answer is no, shared genetics isn’t much of a reason to maintain it.

[Laffy Kat]

2. I totally understand your frustration and yet I think you should take a breath.

You share family history and that is so precious. Maybe tell her you need to take a break for a while and will reach out again a little later. Who knows what will happen by fall? She may see the light. My advice: Don't make a decision just yet.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much.

But you need to take care of yourself first. And she is not helping you in any way; in fact she is hurting you.

But only you can decide which would be better for you--stay in touch, or cut the ties. I would give it some time to decide.

[WiffenPoof]

80. Thank you CalPeg...

I value your opinion on a variety of issues.

[Frustratedlady]

4. I don't know the answer, either. I have lost friends because of Trump.

They are incredulous that I would take politics so seriously that I would give up friendships. I am incredulous that, being strong Christians, they support Trump without question.

I am po'd because now, the Democrats will have to go in and clean up his mess.

They can't understand that at all because they believe every word he says and their 401Ks have done so well.

[sharedvalues]

12. See below "tax cuts for billionaires put on a credit card"

They’re getting screwed and they don’t even know it.

More explanation below.
Really the ONLY thing that works is to get people off Fox and Limbaugh and ideally discredit any pastor that talks about politics. (“Separation of church and state”)

[Frustratedlady]

15. That's typical Republican programs, right? Pay for it with the CC.

Same with the Iraq War.

How many trillion do we have to clean up?

[LakeArenal]

5. I had different reasons to cut off a sibling

But I get the feelings.

So this is my two cents:

As I see it, your sister has already cut you out. When you hit the point where you (or I) find it’s all on your shoulders to keep the relationship going, that you give long heartfelt essays on issues you once discussed, that responses are nil or negligible, then you are cut out already.

You are just prolonging your own pain or awkwardness or faithlessness.

In my case, the last parent shortly before death said, Once I’m gone, you’ll never hear from your only sibling again. Unless they want something from you.

Damn Parent is always right.

So I quit trying. Send a birthday card. That’s it.

Saw my sibling two and a half years ago on his BD. Not since. They quit Christmas Eve with us to have spaghetti with their in laws instead.

Friends and mate used to say give up. It only hurts you. Now that I’m over it (mostly) they now say Shouldn’t you try one more time? And they are surprised when I say Nope.

[WiffenPoof]

81. Perhaps you're correct...

In a way, she had already cut me off when she showed no interest in responding to me. It's a tough call.

[msongs]

6. recognize a lost cause and stick to the social niceties ? nt

[Blue_true]

53. Or just family issues. nt

[Corgigal]

7. Life is too short.

While I may have to suffer a fool now and then, due to a short business transaction, I wouldn't for family. I personally don't pick family and they are free to do whatever they want with their lives.
We won't go near my husband's sister, his only sibling. She reads your sister, nope.

Life is better, and while we had to pretend while his parents were alive, they have passed and we're free now. Text a DUer, we will respond in human empathy because we're brain healthy.

Good luck to you.

[WiffenPoof]

82. I can't help...

...but feel sad for any of us that have to face this issue.

Thanks

[Doodley]

8. You pushed her and pushed her to get a reaction, and you didn't like it.

What were you trying to prove? Are your parents still alive? If so, think of the dynamic of them growing old and weak, and needing both of their children for support, not just financially, but in every way a child becomes a caretaker for aging parents. I'm in a similar situation, but what if a parent is very sick? Am I going to be an asshole and not visit and be a caretaker in case my sibling is there? Don't turn your back on your sister or other members of your family. Be bigger than that.

[WiffenPoof]

10. As I stated in my post...

We are the only ones remaining. My parents have long passed.

[Doodley]

19. Okay, well you should take some time out. Don't burn bridges, just stay

away for a while.

[emmaverybo]

32. Good advice. The country is divided and emotions boiling over right now. Ideology seems to be

dictating people’s divergent views, clouding perspective, so that it isn’t the issue anymore being fought over, but the “side” one is on.

I think it important not to burn family bridges at this time. And it is always a good idea when
a close relationship has been strained to sit it out for awhile.

[ChubbyStar]

37. Put that on a Hallmark card

Sounds like a winning solution to the problem!

[WiffenPoof]

84. Good advice....

I posted my decision in the original post.

Thanks

[emmaverybo]

120. Thank you for updating us. As only one of my immediate family remaining, almost all their friends

and relatives now gone, I have realized late in life how important are the intimate ties with those
we grew up among.

Since my mother’s death a few years ago, I find myself so often yearning for someone who remembers our family pets, an in-joke, the story behind an object in the house, simply how we were, and who we were together.

Glad to hear you see a way to salvage your essentially loving relationship with your sister while preserving your own principles.

I am reminded of the story “The Sniper” by Liam O’Flaherty published in 1923. Set during the Irish Civil War, it is about a a Republican sniper and his enemy counter-part whom he kills during a skirmish in Dublin. When the Republican turns his foe’s body over, he discovers it is
his own brother.

Well, things are not that dire in your story, which, by what you post, predicts a happy ending, a reconciliation when the time is right.

To the good times you and your sister will share again, for years to come.

[GoneOffShore]

78. Several years back, my wife was having real difficulties with her mother.

Not surprising as her mother was a narcissist. My wife talked to an old friend of her mother's who told her: 'It's time to close the door. She's always been this way, and at 82 is not going to change. She's making you miserable because that's what she enjoys doing.'

Perhaps it's time to 'close the door' on your sister. You've done your best, you've reached out, and you've been spurned.

I'm including a link that might help you tangentially.

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/07/11/giving-thanks-bridges-ive-burned-year/

[WiffenPoof]

85. Thank you Gone...

I appreciate the link.

[WiffenPoof]

83. I hope that I didn't push...

...her to the point that you suggest. She would normally respond quickly and after three postings there was nothing. I didn't know if I offered her in some way.

Many Mother was aware that muy sister and I sometimes fight over politics. However both my sister and I came together whenever it came to the care of our parents.

That's what is confusing. My sister, if nothing else, has a big heart. Yet when it came to this young girl suffering, she seemed not to care.

[Doodley]

134. Can't you just accept she's been brainwashed, as have tens of millions of others? She won't

agree with you because her worldview is formed by propaganda. Ask if that is reason to disown her as a sister. How does she treat you? Does she disrespect you? Does she love you? Would she care if you were not part of her life? Would you care? What do the bonds that you two have mean to you? Is it important? Is her distorted view of reality enough for you to throw away your relationship? I have been down this same route many times. It is difficult, but in the end it is about love and maybe a sense of duty, as in my case parents are involved. Do you love or care about your sister? That is what you should ask.

[in2herbs]

9. My family was so toxic that I had to make a decision. I haven't seen or spoken to them in

40+ years. Best decision I ever made. This is my general rule of thumb: when you wake up every morning, before you get out of bed, recite the things you want to accomplish that day. If they don't include a discussion with family (or friends) who make you feel sad or unempowered don't engage with them that day. Take it one day at a time and soon you'll not even remember their names.

[Doodley]

13. Yes, I have a sibling with that attitude who does nothing to look after

her dying parents and leaves it all to me and my wife. As long as the selfish ones wake up thinking about themselves and what makes them happy. F**;k everyone else.

[kimbutgar]

127. You can bet though when your parents die they'll be asking about their inheritance

[LuckyCharms]

130. Exact same situation with me.

I did the right thing. I was a caretaker for my mom until her death. They did the wrong thing, and punted.

I have not spoken to them in years. Some things are not forgivable or reconcilable.

Know that your actions will enable you to stand tall.

[Doodley]

135. I am sorry. Family should transcend politics, but not the abdication of

responsibility so that others have to do it all. This is something I can never forgive, because every day of my life is about being a carer, the medicines, the oxygen, the doctor appointments, the hours in ER, the financial costs, because it is all on me. I can tolerate Republicans in the family, but not narcissists whose lives are only about them.

[ChubbyStar]

31. Excellent post

Thank you so much for seeing the intricacies and very personal nature of a situation where a family is fractured. I've been there and like you I moved on.

[Duppers]

45. Same with my husband's family.

And we have up a sizable inheritance with no regrets, except for the occasional grumble from hubs.

[WiffenPoof]

87. Thank you herbs...

I'm saddened that you have not communicated in 40 years. I suppose at some point, the connection was permanently broken. Yet, I can't help but wonder about all the lost years.

[in2herbs]

109. The lost years!!! You make it sound like I haven't moved on and mourn the loss. Boy, are you

wrong. My life is filled with people who are loving, fun, and who I can have all sorts of discussions with without ending in an argument. We learn from each other in a positive way. People need not to be so hung up on bloodlines as being the only family there is. Go out and get a life and share that life and love with others. That's what it's about.

[WiffenPoof]

112. Sorry....

I didn't mean to misinterpret your post.

[in2herbs]

114. You are an early riser, too! No problem. I just know from experience that bloodlines and

family and relatives sometimes cause more heartbreak and problems than they are worth. I interject so that when people are asking about these issues they can be told that sometimes different is better! Hope to cross paths again in different posts on DU.

[sharedvalues]

11. I have some advice. Argue about propaganda. Not about Trump

First, try to make nice with her. Let things calm down. Try to reestablish some line of communication.

Then, realize she’s not at fault, she’s not necessarily a bad person. She’s brainwashed by rightwing propaganda.

That’s your angle.
Don’t talk about politics with Trumpers.
The only thing that works is attacking the root of the problem. Which is the rightwing propaganda media that brainwashed them to get them to vote for billionaires’ tax cuts.

First, watch “The Brainwashing of my Dad”. It explains how Fox and Limbaugh do their damage.

Then, anytime she brings up a political issue, like Baltimore, talka boit Fox:

“Oh yeah Baltimore. Yeah, Rupert Murdoch has Fox talk about that because he wants to drive a wedge between white people and black people. Fox wants white people to vote for Republicans so Republicans can cut taxes on the rich. The whole Baltimore attack by the president is just a distraction while Republicans screw you. You know Murdoch got a $2 billion tax cut and Republicans put it on a credit card and you’ll pay it back. Right? But Fox won’t talk about THAT. Instead they talk about Baltimore. It’s just a distraction so you’ll ignore the tax cuts and the EPA increasing pollution to harm your kids. But Republican billionaires make more money off pollution.


You know Republican leaders and billionaires call Fox and Limbaugh listeners “useful idiots”, right?”

I promise, this can work. No one likes to be a sucker. You just have to explain WHO is suckering them (billionaires, Koches, Murdoch) and WHY (to get them to vote for billionaires’ tax cuts.)

Over the course of a few months I promise this approach works. Again, watch the movie. It will give you hope.

[Doodley]

16. Good level-headed advice. Also political arguments via text and email are a recipe for disaster.

[sharedvalues]

20. True.

Better phone or in person.

Most people like OP’s sister have NEVER HEARD of Rupert Murdoch. That’s on Democrats. On us. We’ve failed to tell people what billionaires are really doing.

[WiffenPoof]

88. Thanks sharedvalues...

I have never heard of "The Brainwashing of my Dad.". I'll have to look it up.

I'm not so sure that she is completely faultless. However, she did mention that she watches Fox... But I don't know if she has been listening to Limbaugh.

[sharedvalues]

96. Yes, good luck.

She may not be completely faultless,
But for the purposes of your relationship right now it may be best to skip thinking of her fault and just work on her sources of information.
Fox literally makes people racist and hateful. As does rightwing Facebook and the Daily Caller and Breitbart and Sinclair and OANN and the NY Post. I bet if you can get her off those shell become a much better person.

[MFM008]

14. tell her politics of any type are off limits

forever or SHE will have to make the choice, not you.

[Doodley]

17. Good advice, but it was the OP who pushed his sister for a reaction.

[cwydro]

18. If you are truly heartbroken, then simply leave politics out of discussions.

It seems she has tried to do that.

I wish politics were the only problem with my my sister. I could leave that to the side.

[yardwork]

21. Your sister is a racist, and has been one since at least 2005.

The joke she made after Hurricane Katrina was horribly racist.

I have relatives like this and I mostly ignore them. You've made your point. Just go silent.

[WiffenPoof]

89. Yes....i thought it was...

...at least horribly insensitive and racist as well. I let it slide at the time. All I told her was that her joke was inappropriate and probably racist. She told me at the time that I was being hyper sensitive. Go figure.

[yardwork]

108. That's what racists say.

[Cousin Dupree]

22. Think hard and give it some time before you make a decision. You can take a break to think about

what you want to do. You don’t need to make a decision right away if you’re conflicted. Sometimes giving a problem extra time will help you make up your mind.

[WiffenPoof]

90. Good advice Cousin Dupree...

Thank you.

You wouldn't happen to be a Steely Dan fan, would you?
Your user name is the title of a SD song.

[Cousin Dupree]

111. Thanks. Yes, I am a huge Steely Dan fan.

[WiffenPoof]

116. Steely Dan

I have been a Steely Dan fan since "Can't But A Thrill.,"

One of the most underrated "bands" of all time. Highly sophisticated with dark lyrics.

Did they ever make it in the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame?

[Cousin Dupree]

122. Inducted in 2001. What are your favorite SD songs?

Mine are Josie, The Royal Scam, Peg, Don’t Take Me Alive to name a few. Actually I pretty much like all of their music.

[kimbutgar]

128. Last year my family took a 2 day car trip and I brought Steely Dans greatest hits CD

I forgot how great their music was! In college we used to play the Aja album constantly or someone in the dorm was playing it.

I heard Cousin Dupree for the first time.

[Cousin Dupree]

129. That's a pretty sleazy song, isn't it? The name is an inside joke with some of my friends.

[kimbutgar]

131. Yes but the jazzy riff excuses the lyrics

[alphafemale]

23. I would not have had contact after the Katrina "joke."

That is about as foul racist as you can get.

[lunasun]

40. +1

[Hortensis]

24. Agree that sounds like a decision is in order, but as suggested

could it perhaps be to accept that she will not be changing and limiting conversions to things you can approve, including sharing memories? Apparently you are still important to her. You could probably train her to eventually not bring up politically related topics by not responding and/or changing the subject when she does.

Hope whatever your decision is it turns out to be right for you.

[cwydro]

28. It seems the OP is the one who kept pushing the politics discussion.

I agree with you that if politics are left to the side, then the relationship could be salvaged.

Politicians come and go, but family lasts much longer (or so one hopes).

[Hortensis]

35. Yes, it'd need to go both ways. And as you say.

[cwydro]

36. Lol.

[WiffenPoof]

91. Thank you Hortensis...

At the very least, politics will not be a part of our future conversations.

[KY_EnviroGuy]

25. Isn't there something outside of politics you can discuss....

such as family history and maintainng some legacy of your parents? Perhaps some other common interest?

I just lost my best friend and her kids are both brainwashed Rethug assholes (wrought by a long-since divorced father), while she was a faithful Democrat. The kids show little interest in maintaining some of her family's legacy so I'm trying to save what I can in case some of the grandkids show interest later. It's helped my grieving considerably to go through her papers, photos, etc.

Perhaps you could build at least a weak family bond with something of that nature and maintain minimal communications.

But, by all means make politics strictly off-limits. Time and pain will change many of these tRump people, but the pain is yet to come. It will change them or else they will remain bitter and eventually just fade away.

KY.........

[WiffenPoof]

92. Thanks KY...

I'm sorry for your loss. I do agree that the Grandkids are worth trying to save.

[KY_EnviroGuy]

110. .....

..............

[flamingdem]

26. Maybe it's better to hold off

and not break off a family tie over politics. Avoid the topic and healing is possible. Anyone can change, or at least grow, and you may be the person who pushes her directly or indirectly in a better direction.

[struggle4progress]

27. "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family"

[A HERETIC I AM]

46. You also can't....

wipe your friends on the couch.


Sorry. Couldn't resist!


I am at a similar spot as the OP with my sis. She is married to a serious, right wing, young Earth bible literalist type.

I'm not sure how she feels about Trump, but I know how her husband feels.

We just don't talk politics. In fact, when we talk, which is about 4 times a year, it is the textbook definition of "Smalltalk".

My big sister is not one to traffic in deep thinking, let me put it that way.

[WiffenPoof]

93. Thanks Heretic...

I think once a person starts to believe the young earth theory, there is no getting through to them. They have been looking lost.

[MurrayDelph]

59. I disagree

You can't choose your relatives , but you can absolutely choose your family.

[WiffenPoof]

94. Thanks MurrayDelph...

I read between the lines that family doesn't necessarily have to be people you are related to.

[CountAllVotes]

29. Other side of this ere

I have been dumped by two tRumpsters.

I hate to say it, but no big loss.

One is a foster relative and the other is a blood relative.

I'm glad they cut me loose.

I wanted to get away but they did it for me.

Good damn riddance!

[WiffenPoof]

95. It's good to read...

What it is like to be on the receiving end. It appears that you have suffered no loss.

[Takket]

30. toxic people don't make your life any better

my wife has not spoken to her sister in almost 20 years since her sister tried to terrorize our daughter by saying my wife (a shunned former Jehovas Witness) was going to be killed at armageddon (a means of emotional blackmail to get my wife to rejoin the religion)

We have not missed her toxic presence at all.

[WiffenPoof]

97. I would have no tolerance...

...for anyone who would employ emotional blackmail. Very sad.

Thank you Takket.

[AlexSFCA]

33. I'd take a break and avoid talking anything remotely political with her

she is your only sibling and far less educated than you. Don’t let trump break your family.

[WiffenPoof]

98. I stop and think...

...of all of the people Trump's presence has impacted.

[Downtown Hound]

34. Ultimately, it's a descison you have to make for yourself

Because you're the one who has to live with the consequences. I kicked several, life-long friends to the curb for their support of Trump, and I don't regret it at all. I almost died a few years ago when I had to go in for emergency heart surgery. I realized then that life is short, and I didn't want to waste any more of it by being around people who not only don't share my values, but actually, have the opposite of them.

Family is a little different. So, I don't know what you should do. I guess I would just ask myself, what do you value more, the relationship or your principals? There's no right or wrong answer, it's simply a matter of what you want more. It's not like keeping the relationship means sacrificing your principals. It just means that you'll have to water them down from time to time and learn to hold your tongue sometimes. If you feel that's worth doing to keep the relationship, then by all means, keep it. If you feel like you sense of conscience is too strong to do that, then you should let her go.

Good luck.

[WiffenPoof]

99. Thank you Downtown Hound

Your post is probably one of the more important responses.

While you state the obvious (family vs. principles), it deserves to be restated. In fact it is the core of the issue when it comes to family and politics.

Just when do I set my principles aside to save a relationship? That's a hard one because principles are about as important as anything in my life. I'm thinking that as long as I'm aware of the person I am associating with,i can move forward with my principles in place.

Thank you.v

[The Blue Flower]

38. I broke ties with my sister this year

I have fought hard for my mental health and inner peace, and now I have grandchildren to protect from her darkness and craziness. Not easy, but it can be done. I'm happier without her.

[WiffenPoof]

101. I'm glad to hear...

...that you have arrived at a healthier existence.

[lunasun]

39. I cut off toxic family years ago . They were Democrats or non voters and I'm fine

I wouldn’t take their crap from friends or strangers so they had to go

Her Katrina joke was pure stupid ignorance /racism /joking about death of blacks and not even clever funny imo
Taking in foster care for money is always sketchy for me having known some adults who were in foster care with a family only looking for the check not treated well . She may be jealous of your success and not care about your opinion anyway
Speak resist or be silent and continue to converse that’s your call
?1515778216

[WiffenPoof]

103. I couldn't agree...

...more.

Her Katrina "joke" was nearly enough to like lessen my exposure to her. Very insensitive.

I know for a fact that her foster care was less for the children she fostered and more for the money.

[mnhtnbb]

41. I gave up contact with my brother (only sibling and our parents are long gone)

some time ago. He has always been a Republican. Our parents were Republicans. I was the black sheep.

He is, however, an MD/PhD. He's a scientist. I tried--during Bush years--to get him to vote for Kerry by appealing to his scientific nature. Got nowhere with him. His kids tell me that it's all about money (taxes) with him.

Both he and his wife are Trumpsters. They are STILL Trumpsters, in spite of everything that has happened in the last two years.

There's more to the pain of the relationship, though, than just politics between us. Long history. Greed and entitlement on his part, along with his wife.

I just didn't want to be around either of them any more. Fortunately they live in California and I live in North Carolina. We (my husband and I) did go to the wedding of my brother's youngest son in California in 2016, but I haven't seen him since and I declined an invitation to come to their house the day after the wedding. I told our cousin I'd be damned if I'd ever set foot in their house again.

When my husband died last December, I did call my brother to tell him that my husband had committed suicide. We were separated at the time after a marriage of 32 years. My brother spent maybe 2 minutes of the conversation letting me talk, and then proceeded to tell me all his woes, aches and pains, and how he's trying to figure out what to do about needing another hip replacement (I've had both hips replaced and he had one). He must have spent 15 minutes going on and on about his woes, expecting me to listen to him when I was in shock and reeling from the death of my estranged husband.

It was as clear as could be to me after that conversation that my brother really does lack empathy. No wonder he's a Republican and still supports Trump.

Only you can decide whether politics alone is sufficient cause to break off the relationship. In my situation, I had been on the receiving end of some very hurtful and selfish behavior on the part of my brother. The behavior fit with his character of being mostly concerned about himself and lacking empathy for others--including me, his sister--let alone strangers.

It's a tough choice you are facing. I hope you find some peace with whatever you decide.

[Duppers]

47. So sorry.

Some scientists are cold shits. Mind my asking what field? Engineering, biology, geology...?

[mnhtnbb]

61. Oncology

Originally when he was practicing medicine he was a Gyn oncologist. He left academia to work for Big Pharma on the development of new oncology drugs.

[Duppers]

66. Thank you.

Much more money there than in other scientific fields.

Hubs and I have an ex-friend with a PhD (physics) who then went to med school. As an obgyn, the once liberal guy, under the influence of his wife and perhaps new profession, morphed into an unrecognizable conservative. Our friendship ended.

[mnhtnbb]

79. At the time my brother left clinical practice

he was a professor at a med school in the Midwest. Teaching, research, and clinical practice. He was Republican to start. He then worked for 3 different pharmaceutical companies and by the time he retired several years ago, he was at the VP level traveling alot for work in the development of oncology drugs. I'm sure he made beaucoup $$ in the process. His last move to a hillside beach community north of San Diego put him in a house on a golf course not far from where we went to high school in the mid 60's.

He traveled a lot and lived on the east coast, in the south, and the Midwest, but his politics remained the same.

[Patterson]

42. Rope-a-dope.

[NurseJackie]

43. You can certainly limit your interaction with her without necessarily making a permanent cut.

Make a commitment to never talk about politics or religion again. If she tries, ignore it. Respond with something else completely off topic from what she wants to talk about. (The weather, your children/grandchildren/pets... a joke you heard... neighborhood gossip... a tv show you like, a book you're reading... childhood memories... ANYTHING other than politics.) Ask her questions about: ANYTHING OTHER THAN POLITICS.

You already know how she feels. You already know the answers and responses. You already know you can't convert her or make her see "reason", so why bother? It just makes you both miserable.

Basically, instead of cutting her off and out of your life entirely... I recommend making an effort to consciously redefine the relationship and to (through your actions) create and set new boundaries for the topics that you'll participate in.

Good luck!

[GulfCoast66]

44. I don't cut off anyone at all.

Last edited Sat Aug 10, 2019, 10:32 PM - Edit history (1)

They know how I feel. I don’t talk politics with them. If they choose to cut me off, fine.

But my friends and family who know I voted for are being pretty quite lately.

[Tactical Progressive]

48. We've been waiting almost three years

for you to admit it GulfCoast!

[GulfCoast66]

64. Lord! I read your post, was confused and decided not respond!

Wow!! I’ve been embarrassed here before, but that takes the cake!!

[Tactical Progressive]

121. It could have just have just been a typo.

Or it could have been a slip-up.

The KGB deep cover agents say 'six or seven thousand posts,
Comrade, and they'll believe anything you say'.
My counterintelligence training says that's when they get sloppy.

[GulfCoast66]

125. Ha! We Agriculture manager don't know much about spycraft!

[Skittles]

52. did you mean to say "who I know voted for trump"

yes indeed

[GulfCoast66]

62. Oh my. That's embarrassing!!

[Skittles]

67. my impulse was to attack

but then I thought......that can't be right

[GulfCoast66]

69. Thanks. I hope my history here earns me that much!

But frankly, had the post been hidden I could not have complained. It was my screw up.

I was reading DU, loading the boat for fishing tomorrow and cooking supper. And maybe enjoying a Friday night beverage(I work Tuesday to Saturday, this is my Friday night). Plus a varmint decided to chew on my trailer wires and I had to do some re-wiring!

As my wife tells me, leave multitasking to the women!

I’m actually impressed the post stuck around till I could edit it.

Ironically, that subject has been on my mind, the whole trump and family thing. I’m getting close to going on my annual family deer camp thingy I have done forever. Let’s just say, my opinions are not widely shared by the family. Some are actually democrats. But not the guys at deer camp. It’s never been a problem. Blood thicker than water and all. I’m the crazy liberal uncle from the big city. But I am actually curious this year. Last year I dispassionately explained that everything in the rural south was paid for by Big Government. The paved highways(Federal highway program), the power system(REA), the phone system by making AT&T provide phone service for all in exchange for the monopoly they had. The schools. Well, you get the picture. My peers and uncles could not deny it. The young cousins had never even heard of these things and had I not made my oldest uncle(pushing 80) admit it was true would not have believed it. After a year to stew on that I’m curious as to what I will find. Mind you, I’m not worried. At worst I will be the crazy liberal uncle.

Thanks for giving me the benefit of your doubt.

[Hortensis]

100. It did, but assumption of a probable mistype was enough on its own.

[Texasgal]

58. Please let this be a typo!

Please?

[GulfCoast66]

63. A new level of embarrassment for me on DU!!

And that saying something!!

[Texasgal]

70. LOL!

It's okay... I figured as much.

[GulfCoast66]

72. Thanks for giving me the benefit of your doubt!

I’m still embarrassed!

[Blue_true]

49. I will ask you one question. Please think long and hard about it with the time left in your

weekend.

If you survive her, how will you feel standing over her remains in a casket?

If you conclude that you will see a darkened hearted person that you don't know, then go ahead and cut ties.

If your feeling will be something else, then you need to work on the relationship. First off, tell her how the evil stuff she is saying, how she seems to have no empathy for those suffering makes you feel. If possible and there will be no issues, try to do that face to face with her. Second tell her that you will no longer discuss current events or politics with her, your discussions with her will only be about family issues. See how that approach works before you pull the plug on the relationship, it is not just some everyday relationship.

[sharedvalues]

50. Wiffin, was this thread helpful?

Does this help you make a decision or have a plan?
Hopefully it does!

[RhodeIslandOne]

51. Life is too short to associate with assholes

Trumps rhetoric hits home with her because she doesn’t associate herself with minorities getting welfare.

[gibraltar72]

54. I've broken ties with people I like more than family.

[democratisphere]

55. Cut her loose.

You don't need a negative vibe in your life. Been there and continue to be.

[Snackshack]

56. Take a deep breath.

You two are family don’t lose sight of that. Stay away from politics for now. We are in a very abnormal political place in this country rt now, it won’t/can’t last. Something has gotta give.

Words are like bullets...you can’t take them back once released.

Just my 2¢. I hope things work out for you.

[dawg day]

57. Someone like your sister-- underemployed, on welfare, a foster parent--

Is exactly the person who would be most hurt if Trump gets his way. I don't understand it. I think for these people, being white "trumps' everything, including their own safety and health.

It's very sad, but maybe once Trump is out of office, she'll head back to sanity.

[procon]

60. Don't burn your bridges.

Family, the good and bad, is our common bond. I'm in the same boat as you. I dearly love my brother, but he so badly brainwashed I can barely find the person I grew up with.

Years ago I stopped having any conversations with him that were about politics or current events. I talk in general topics, people we know, our pets, food, our health problems, benign things you might chat with casual acquaintances. It's very unsatisfying, but it seldom produces any tension.

I learned to categorise him as someone with unpredictable and untreated mental health problems. He's a patient with a severe illness that makes him irrational and volatile, but I have to work around his limitations to keep some family bond between us. It's a lot like dealing with my late dad whose mind was eaten away by the ravages of Alzheimers; it takes a lot of patience and a thick skin, but you do what you can because you love them. You can't lash out at someone who is ill, you can't cut your family out of your life because their illness makes them impossible to deal with.

Step back and regroup, set aside your feelings and find a way to work around her illness and shortcomings to preserve your family ties if that is of any value to you. Let go of any hope that she will ever recover -- remember she has joined a cult -- and just concentrate on each day as best you can.

[cwydro]

65. I find it interesting that you felt the need to compare your achievements with her failures.

One can’t help but wonder if what appears to be a feeling of being a bit superior has contributed to the problems between you.

[WiffenPoof]

68. Thank you so very much.

I want to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my dilemma. It proves once again that DU is a safe place to express your feelings.

This isn't going to easy.

I want to respond individually and add to this post a little later.

Once again,i thank you so sincerely.

Paige

[essme]

73. Don't

Please do not cut ties with your sister.

Yes- she is someone I wouldn't want to know- Yes, I understand exactly how you feel.

Please know that in a decade this isn't going to matter as much.

She's the only one you have that can share old memories.

Just know that she's a whack- I know, I have my own sister. Just learn to ignore the crap.

I hope you can work this out in your own way.

[Kaleva]

71. I think she'd be better off without you.

I wouldn't associate with you in real life.

Your comment:

"Where I received a Masters, she never finished high school. She has had somewhat of a rough life. Where I had a thirty-year career at US Santa Barbara in the academic world, she had often been on welfare and was reduced to becoming a foster parent to make ends meet. "

Look at this from her viewpoint. You may see that she would be better off without you.

[cwydro]

115. That's the impression I got.

My sister and I don’t get along, but I can’t imagine judging her on her education level, job choices, or whatever.

[Kaleva]

118. I think the OP has more issues then the sister does.

Maybe he can turn his life around and we can wish him that.

[Raine]

74. Agree to disagree and don't discuss politics

there certainly should be plenty of other things to talk about with someone you've known your whole life. I would never cut off a family member because of politics, issues change, opinions change but family should be a bond that doesn't break.

[nini]

75. Call her out on her nazi views

If she owns it walk away.

There is no gray area with those enabling the demise of our country and accepting the hate happening.

[KentuckyWoman]

76. Reduced to becoming a foster parent?

Wow, just wow.

I am in my 70's. My brother is a Trumper. He nearly wrote ME off after I was polite but confrontational about it. I'm the one who had to grow a perspective and make it right. I'm glad I did. We don't talk politics, or if he does I put my adult pants on and polite get through it.

You'll do what you want. If you want to use Trump as an excuse to throw away an only sibling you will. But it sounds like it has nothing to do with her "going to the dark side" but the fact you've been looking down your nose at her for a long time.

Edit to add God bless most foster parents. It is a labor of love few people understand.

[Kaleva]

86. That statement told me everything I cared to know about the OP

[WiffenPoof]

107. Thank you KentuckyWoman...

I appreciate your input.

I probably should have expanded on my sister's experience as a foster parent. A few years back I received a frantic call from her saying that they were going to arrest her for child neglect. Apparently she was depriving her foster children of some basic needs. It was clear that she was in it to get the money and not for the welfare of the children.

We all know that in most cases foster parents have saved the lives of many. However, not all are dedicated foster parents. I honestly do not believe that my sister was a good foster parent and probably harmed the children more than she helped.

As far as looking down my nose at my sister. You may have an argument. I try not to, but I can't honestly say that I do not include that as a part of my relationship. I have, over the years, tried not to use her misfortune or lack of opportunities as a weapon. She did not get the same opportunities I did.

I brought up the gap in our individual educational experiences only because I feel that those who have less education seem to be more susceptible to the Trump message.

ON EDIT: I should add that while my sister was not arrested for child neglect, she was banned from becoming a foster parent again.

..

[Lunabell]

77. I'm so thankful both of my sisters are liberals.

I'm so sorry you have to make this decision.

[mitch96]

102. Why not just agree to not talk about politics???

I have some conservative friends and that’s our agreement. One friend kinda sorta refused and keeps on “leaking” politics into the conversation.. I have not talked to him in about a year. Just birthday greetings... The others are fine with it... They know my points and I know theirs... The friendship is more important than the politics... YMMV..
M

[Renew Deal]

104. She's your sister. Cut it out with the politics

It’s really not more important than keeping that connection with her.

[RandiFan1290]

105. I don't associate with racists. nt

[madaboutharry]

106. I might not have anything profound to add, but I would like to say something.

I don't think politics is ever a reason to cut off a family member. Good reasons to cut off a family would be such things as stealing or all forms of abusive behavior towards you. But for politics? For a difference of opinion or way of looking at the world? Even if someone is a major asshole, I could see limiting interaction with them, but cutting them out of your life permanently is extreme.

Maybe there are reasons for cutting off your sister that you haven't talked about here.

All the best.

[tavernier]

113. Don't do that.

It’s what they want.

[Joe941]

117. When trump is gone in a year I think a lot of healing will happen.

[nini]

119. What bugs me most about the replies here: racism and hate do not equal politics

These aren't political differences in how to handle the economy or real political issues. These are people who are ok with what is happening to these children being stripped from their families and other hateful racist and unamerican policies.

Why is it people can judge others for this hate but not one of your own? I have zero use for anyone who could think torturing innocent children is any way acceptable. Family or not - I can't have anything to do with them.

[lunasun]

133. +1

[Maru Kitteh]

123. I miss having a sister - but I do not miss MY sister one bit

Like you, I have only one sibling, and our parents are gone. I have pangs of jealousy when I hear others talk about getting together with their sisters and brothers, and I wish I too had a sibling. I miss having a sister, but sadly, all I have is my sister - and she is a truly awful human being. I do not, miss her.

[UniteFightBack]

124. Glad you are not cutting ties! Unless she is fully irredeemable and a horrible person in every

facet of her life I would not cut ties. My older sister sounds the same as yours. We argue whenever we talk politics. We seldom agree. When it gets too much I say OK I'm not talking about this anymore.

Just yesterday we were talking about racism and I said what percentage of white people you think are racist? She couldn't even answer that she had to say well what about black people they are racist too. I made my points (of course) but it always ends with OK let's stop talking about this now.

So it is quite TRYING to talk to these people, I have a deplorable co worker too but FUCK THAT they are not getting off the hook and I'll be there to counter their bullshit. I'm not looking to that constantly do that but I will push back when needed and if you agree to have a "safe word" or "safe phrase" then that is the cue to stop the conversation and you both have to be on board with that.

I wanted to go with 'shut the fuck up' but settled on let's not talk about this anymore.

[FM123]

126. Take a time out. It doesn't have to be forever, just save yourself now & go back for her later.

[Ligyron]

132. But what happens when we elect a Dem President and take back Congress?

Do we have to be make up w them? I guess more importantly: what do they do?