OK Today is World tell a joke day - have a laugh

[malaise]

Over in London there is supposed to be a Test Match between England and Australia but rain is pouring in London.
On the most popular cricket website (Cricinfo) , folks are just posting jokes
Here are some

"I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said "Final Notice". Good that he will not bother me anymore."

"Doctor, Doctor I can't stop singing the Green green grass of home. Oh you have Tom Jones disease. What's that, Is it common? It's not unusual.... "

"That's unfair. I've been reading all jokes here, but when I made a chemistry joke, there was no reaction.""

"A buddy of mine has 7 dogs, each named after a day in the week. I asked him why he did that, to which he said well, every dog has his day"

"With all this rain around does anyone want to borrow an arc? I Noah guy"

"How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Well, periodically!"

"Two chickens got into a fight. Afterwards one apologised if he hurt the other chicken. That chicken responded with "all good mate. No harm, no fowl"."

"crime in multi-story car parks. It's wrong on so many levels"

"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone, and then it dawned on me"

"I played a gig on the moon the other day. It was pretty average. No atmosphere."

"I had an interview for a yoga instructor and they asked me how flexible are you? I said I can't do Tuesday's and Friday's. "

"You'll never guess who I bumped into when I went to Specsavers the other day? Pretty well everyone."

"I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

"my big brother said he was the best balloon salesman there was. I think he just had an inflated opinion of himself..."

Qayum Ali: "" Alright, a biology joke: What does the femur tell the patella? I KNEED You" "

3.55pm Hello everyone, very impressed by (most) of your jokes.

Tel: "3 astronauts went to the moon. Couldn't land. Full moon."

RevKev: "A man entered a pun writing competition. He submitted 10 puns hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did."

Danish Pastri: "I decided to get rid of the Hoover. It was only collecting dust."


"No matter how hard you push the envelope - it is still stationary!"

"Making the jokes a little more high-brow: There's only 10 kinds of people. Those that understand binary and those that don't! " That's the one (zero, one)

"Jokes about white sugar are rare but about brown sugar, demerara,"

"I am a big fan of steak puns," "They're a rare medium, well done."

"Sadly, all the good science jokes Argon,"
"If nobody laughs at your science jokes - keep telling them until you get a reaction. "

"Never forget that the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim away, a whim away..."
names deleted

[gratuitous]

1. Was the dolphin guilty?

Yes, for all intents and porpoises.

By the way, the envelope joke should be stationery, not stationary. But I presume you won't budge on that.

[malaise]

2. I see what you did there

Some of the folks posting are from India so I'll give them a pass on the spelling.

[Aristus]

3. A priest, a rabbi, and an Irishman walk into a bar.

The bartender asks: "What is this? A joke?"

[malaise]

4. Ha - two more

"HMRC told me my tax return was outstanding. It's strange really as I don't remember completing it..."

"A Polar Bear goes into a bar and asks if he can have a drink"Certainly" says the barman "what would you like?" "A Bacardi and ..........................................................................................Coke". OK, but why the big pause?". Dunno, I've always had them!"."

[tblue37]

5. Once I wrote as part of a comment on a student's essay, "This is very well done--

and that's rare."

I was so disappointed when that bright kid didn't get the joke.

[malaise]

6. Love it

and know exactly what you mean when the student didn't get it

[tblue37]

8. It was a college freshman, and his first paper for me. They are so uptight and grade-focused

sometimes that they can't register anything else. He actually came up after class and asked me what that comment meant.

[malaise]

12. Wow!

Hope he found his sense of humor eventually

[tblue37]

13. He was smart and articulate, but pretty straightlaced. He was aiming to become a lawyer someday. nt

[Blue Owl]

7. At the funeral of a deceased man...

The priest asks if anyone would like to say a word about the dearly departed.

A man steps forward to the pulpit, solemnly utters the word "plethora," then returns to his seat.

The priest says "Thank you, that means a lot."

[malaise]

9. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/tell-a-joke-day/

[gratuitous]

15. They had a funeral for a deceased man?

They're always so much livelier when the honoree is there to provide rebuttal. Can't do that if he's dead.

[UTUSN]

10. Donald Trump. (Get it?!1)

[malaise]

11. Now that is a joke

[tblue37]

14. A sick joke. nt

[Blue Owl]

16. That joke isn't funny anymore

[UTUSN]

20. Thanks for playing along with good nature. I paused in posting because SHITLER is who/what he is.

But apparently other posters here find it distasteful. I agree with them that it's a "sick joke" but that's within the universe of "joke."

[Fozzledick]

17. That's not funny, that's sick!

[OilemFirchen]

18. A joke from the future:

Donald Trump is playing a round of golf. As he begins to tee off, a funeral procession passes by on the road above. Trump turns to the procession, removes his hat and places it on his heart.

One of his companions says "Donald, I had no idea you were so compassionate!"

Another companion turns to him and remarks "Well, it was his wife after all."

[NewJeffCT]

19. Here's a Trump joke for you

Sarah Sanders runs up to Trump and says that she had a dream last night that he finally got the huge parade that he always wanted, not like the 4th of July one - it was a bright sunny day and thousands upon thousands of people were cheering wildly.

Trump responds, "That's great Sarah, was I smiling and happy?"

Sanders responds, "I couldn't tell sir, the lid on the casket was closed."

[malaise]

22. You win the thread

hands down

[LiberalLovinLug]

21. A Grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says....

"Hey", we have a drink named after you!"

And the Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Gary?"

[malaise]

24. OK please help me out

I feel totally stupid - don't get it

[hack89]

26. A grasshopper is a cocktail. Nt

[malaise]

27. Ha - did not know that

Hehehehehhe :thanks.

[LiberalLovinLug]

28. cheers

Ingredients: 1 oz (1 part) Fresh cream en, 1 oz (1 part) Crème de menthe (green), 1 oz (1 part) Crème de cacao (white)

Preparation: Pour ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake briskly and then strain into a chilled cocktail glass.

Served: Straight up; without ice.

[malaise]

29. I learn something new every day

[Talitha]

23. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...
"Who ties your shoelaces for you?"

The difference between the Pope and Trump...
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

[malaise]

25. Don the Con

Ha

[applegrove]

30. Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. We have 6 destroyers in our carrier group. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The above is being transmitted around the Internet as an event that really took place, but it never happened. It is simply an old joke like those found in popular magazines:

[malaise]

31. Good one

[applegrove]

32. They made a beer ad out of it in Spain.

[muntrv]

33. Why do I not trust atoms? They make up stuff.

[malaise]

34. Ha - reminds me of Pinboy3niner