My abuser died today

[cannabis_flower]

Today my sister told me that my cousin died of pancreatic cancer.

I really don't know how to feel. I had wished him suffering and it happened.

When we were both 12, he got a tape recorder for Christmas. We were playing around and he said f*ck on tape and then erased it and dared me to, I did but he wouldn't erase it. He said if I didn't do what he wanted he would play the tape to my mom and dad and grandparents. For 2 years there was a lot of unwanted touching but no intercourse because I told him I didn't want to get pregnant and that stopped him although he tried to convince me to let him do anal.

When I was 14, I told him no more and to just play the tape because I would rather get the punishment for saying a bad word than continue letting him touch me or worse. He played it at Christmas in front of all the adults in the family and the tape had degraded so much they didn't understand it or know it was me.

Now I'm sitting here feeling like crying and not knowing how to feel about his death and the suffering I wish on him.

[ProudLib72]

1. I am sorry for your pain, but you did NOT cause this!

[cannabis_flower]

2. I know but

It still makes me feel bad.

[ProudLib72]

6. You had/have every right to hate him and wish him ill

That response is well deserved. In now way does it mean you are a "bad" person!

[chowder66]

17. Feeling bad just says you have a good heart and a conscience unlike your cousin.

This is one of those events that brings a rush of memories, memories that you will be able to vanquish one day soon now that he has passed.

[Codeine]

3. He caused you enough pain.

Please don’t allow him to hurt you even more with your own empathy.

[secondwind]

4. You feel conflicted, that is all... because he was your cousin... but your memory of him isn't

a fond memory. Forgive him for what he did and let it go. Give yourself the permission to say
"goodbye and good riddance"

[hlthe2b]

5. Regardless of any religious dogma, disease is not a punishment, but a medical phenomenon.

And if you do believe in karma, then it is the individual who brings it upon themselves. I may joke from time to time about "voodoo dolls" and the like, but I don't believe it is others who cause bad natural events to happen.

Whatever happened years ago, whatever horrible act(s) he committed beyond his abuse toward you and whatever the nature of his death, it is on him. He's moved on to whatever realm and now it is his "gift to you" (however unwilling) to allow you to be at peace and move on--even if you never forgive or forget him.

[irisblue]

7. You did nothing wrong. Ever. I believe you

Have you considered therapy?

[in2herbs]

8. He was bad but the feelings you are having show that he did not damage the goodness in you. I

suggest you allow yourself five minutes to cry, really cry, over his death and what that loss represents to you. I'd bet that you don't have enough tears to make it the five minutes. Then you can get on with your life. Good luck.

[Brainfodder]

9. Indifference is OK.

[no_hypocrisy]

10. When my abuser died, I only felt release and relief.

Not happy. Not sad.

I wish you peace. You are a survivor, not a victim.

Go claim your life. I'm rooting for you.

[EveHammond13]

11. pancreatic cancer is a very bad way to go. good.

[blm]

12. You'll get through this knowing you handled it right as your reasoning kicked in.

Be proud of that. The cycle of life continues.

[lunatica]

13. Your journey on this is not over yet

I was raped by a pedophile when I was six years old. Now, at age 71 I realize I’ve evolved with what happened, going through all there is to go through because of it. I thought many times that I could just leave it behind, but like everything else in life it travels with me and is part of what shaped me.

It even created good in my life. I’ve been able to help many sexually violated people of both sexes to deal with whatever stage in their healing each part of their life presents them with.

The pain of it ends, and even the anger, but the growth from it continues.

My advice? Feel what you feel today and work through it as you need to at that moment. Don’t allow yourself to stay stuck in an emotional place that is toxic to you. You can move through all those and come out transformed in some way. You will be a better person, at peace and able to help others.

[yardwork]

43. That is a great post. Thank you for writing that.

[lunatica]

46. .

Welcome.

[jberryhill]

14. I had a similar thing happen long ago

Ultimately, I realize that the painful death which befell the person upon whom I had wished it, was not really the result of my wishing it to be so.

You did not cause any pain and suffering here.

[TreasonousBastard]

15. Try to feel neutral. It's entirely normal to feel some guilt when someone you might wish dead...

actually dies. Subconsciously, you wonder if maybe you had something to do with it. You didn't, of course, but it's a tough feeling to get rid of.

You don't say how long ago this was or if he did this to others. If you shared it with anyone, now would be the time to get support. If you didn't, there might be someone else out there who had reason to fear or dislike him. Try bonding if there is.

Personally, I hate reading stories like this. Why people have to be such assholes is beyond me. It's easy enough to screw things up in the normal course of things, so why go to extra lengths...

[cannabis_flower]

41. Well...

It was when I was 12-14 and so was he. I'm 60 now. I don't know if he did it to anyone else.

I told my mother when I was about 35 and she was dismissive and said it was just kid stuff and if I told anyone else she would make sure I never inherited anything. But I didn't get very far into explaining exactly what happened and it was before all the #metoo stuff happened.

Last year when she told me he was suffering and couldn't walk, I said good. My sister was there at the time and then I went into exactly what he did. The tape, the blackmail and the touching and how I had been afraid that he would tell or that he would demand more and rape me. She said she didn't realize it had been that bad and she was sorry she had said what she said when she did.

[Niagara]

16. It's important that you don't feel alone

The person who abused you will never be able to hurt you or anyone else ever again. What happened to you is not your fault. I'm not a therapist, although I would like for you to be able to heal and move forward. I found a 5 year old blog that may be able to help you. I'm going to insert an excerpt from the blog that doesn't start at the beginning as I thought it was important enough to share.

When you find out that the person who abused you or abandoned you has died, you may feel relief that they are dead. You may also relive those deep emotions of fear, pain, or anxiety and feel like their victim all over again – even if it’s been years since you last saw them or you’ve had years of therapy. I see the whole spectrum of responses to the death of an abuser/abandoner in my probate practice.

Death has a way of triggering deep-seeded, long forgotten memories that your brain retains. I’m not talking about what toy your sister took from you when you were 10, or what slight you suffered at the hands of a family member at the holiday dinner table. This is about the tangible pain and recall of horrific events you experienced as the victim of abuse or abandonment.

Every day an abuser or abandoner dies, but their victims don’t talk about what they suffered and what this death means to them. We need to talk about it, though, because when the phone rings to tell you that your abuser has died, you can suddenly find yourself back in the moment as the child who was abandoned, the wife who was abused, or the victim who was raped. We need to know what this death can trigger, and how to cope in those first moments, days, weeks.

https://onthewaytodying.com/when-your-abuser-or-abandoner-dies-how-to-cope/

[WestLosAngelesGal]

18. You should feel no guilt for wishing anything bad on your abuser

You should feel no guilt for wishing anything bad on your abuser. He made you suffer and he controlled you through guilt. Now is the time to stop doing it to yourself.

My abuser is buried in NJ. When I found out he was dead, a great sense of relief spread through me. I sometimes visit findagrave.com to look at the picture of his headstone and reassure myself that he can no longer hurt me, my sister, or my cousins.

Peace is what I wish for you. Letting it go takes years, but the perp's death really helps.

[ihaveaquestion]

19. Sorry, but I'll be blunt...

Fuck him!

You don't have to feel anything for him at all. Tell yourself you are allowed to forget him and then do forget him in that moment. It can work over time to release you from the memory.

[Aristus]

20. He didn't get pancreatic cancer because you wished it.

He didn't even get it for being a horrible person. He just got it.

It wasn't your fault.

[sprinkleeninow]

51. I would say this same to you. Retain no guilt.

My love to you. Please receive Peace I send.

[handmade34]

21. you have no responsibility to feel anything

or you can feel any damn thing you want... I'm glad he died

[Vinca]

22. Maybe you feel like crying out of relief - it's finally over.

In your mind you've been his victim all your life and maybe now is the time to bury it with him. You didn't cause the suffering, he caused it. If wishing for suffering worked, we would have already had an orange-themed state funeral.

[B Stieg]

23. I'm glad you're the one still here!

You have a big heart. He had none.

[Guy Whitey Corngood]

24. .

[extvbroadcaster]

25. Good riddance.

Good riddance. Don't waste any more time on the a-hole. The kid next door where I grew up was a nightmare, attacked me, my father, was in and out of jail, you name it. When I was in college, my mother called and told me he had been out in the road, drunk, and was run over by a truck. All I felt was good riddance. The world is a better place with some people gone.

[Marthe48]

26. I was a kid

I wished somebody dead and someone I loved died the same day. I felt horrible guilt well into my adult years. A couple years ago, I posted the story on another website. Someone ironically asked if I thought I was God. The comment really helped.

Maybe we should tell our kids that even if words matter, we don't have the power of sickness and health, life or death over others.

I read a lot of healing messages just now. I hope that you can take at least one to heart. I wish you well.

[Hekate]

27. You survived. You survived. You survived.

And as for him, what a nasty-souled little blackmailer he was at an early age. I wonder how many other young girls he did this to over his lifetime? Pervs get off on the power -- they do not (in my experience) change.



It will take awhile for you to process. Give yourself time. Some days you might feel like tears and anger for what was stolen from you. Some days you might feel like doing a little jig. Some days, just relief that this person has left the Earth.

[lpbk2713]

36. That's a good point to consider.

Anyone that would do something like that would have no problem doing it again at any point in their life.

[Hekate]

39. At 12 thought I was unique, his only victim. Fast forward 20 years, he laid hands on my daughter

Fast forward another 10 years a cousin of his came forward to say he'd done the same with her daughter, plus she'd found out about incidents from when they were in their teens. That sonovabitch committed crimes of opportunity his whole goddam life, and based on the ages of the others, I was "old."

I thought back to the time when I was away at college that my mom thought his car broke down and he'd fallen in a ditch and injured himself, plus his glasses were lost, leaving him blind... I re-assessed that story after his cousin spoke out, and thought: Someone beat the everloving shit out of him.

[lapucelle]

28. I'm so sorry for the pain you feel as as a woman....

... and for that little girl who was so horribly hurt by a heartless abuser.



For the little girl...

For the woman...

[vlyons]

29. Please forgive yourself

and forgive him. You wished ill on him when you were a child with a child's mind. There is no telling what type of abuse and disrespect for women he learned in his own home. Maybe his Dad said crude things about women and was mean to his wife. It is all in the rear-view mirror now. I hope you can gain some peace of mind.

[SallyHemmings]

30. It is stunning how cruel children can be

He is gone and I wish you peace.

[Demonaut]

31. I'm sorry, I would have wished ill of him too

[Ligyron]

32. Don't know how to feel?

I know how I feel.

I'm glad he's dead and hope he suffered greatly after what he did to you and no doubt also did to at least a few others.

Cause those guys? They never do this one off.

You're an amazing human being, go enjoy your life.

[JI7]

33. im glad he is dead. he probably assaulted other people also

[Canoe52]

34. He got a cruel disease to match his own cruelty, that's called karma not wishful thinking.

Hugs to you, don’t blame yourself, hope the rest of your life is much much better.

[badhair77]

35. His pain was not a result of anything you did.

And don’t let others tell you how to feel. You probably have to work through some emotions. You might want to speak to a professional counselor whether it be a highly recommended psychologist or trusted clergy. That person can help you sort out your thoughts and reactions. I wish you well on your search for peace. I wasted many years till I finally talked to a good psychologist about my own abuse. It helped tremendously.

[FailureToCommunicate]

37. You DIDN'T cause it. And, pancreatic cancer is one of the worst. So there's that.

A kind of kosmic karma, I suppose.


May you find more and more peace, at time goes on.

[JGug1]

38. Wishing Him Suffering?

Your life was tragically changed by the ongoing abuse. Congratulations for being strong enough to stop him short of intercourse. A man who did me immense harm died of cancer. I've always thought it was right to say good of the dead.....Let's say it together.......Good.

[Talitha]

40. You were his victim... remember that.

He chose to treat you badly, but you did not make him get the cancer.
Forgive yourself for wishing that he'd suffer... shit happens.
As far as forgiving him, leave that up to The Almighty.
We have no power to change the past.
But we DO have the power to chart our future.
Look upon his death as closure, and move on.
Your chains are gone - open your wings and fly.

[Blue_true]

42. Your wish that he suffer was understandable.

Just view it as an objectionable person being out of your life.

If I were you, I would not attend his funeral or any other thing related to his death. People will be at those things giving fond rememberances of him, but your memory was other, don't torture yourself by sitting through that.

[cannabis_flower]

52. I couldn't possibly

I'm afraid I'd say something that would upset people I love.

As an aside on another nasty piece of business. My daughter was abused from the age of 6-12 by her 12-18 year old cousin and my sister didn't invite me to his wedding. I think she might have been afraid that I would say something unfortunate.

[marked50]

44. Thank you for sharing this.

[Maraya1969]

45. Please forgive yourself; over and over if you have to.

You were the abused and he was the abuser. You needn't feel any remorse for what went on in your thoughts as a result of this abuse.

I wish for you the peace that passes understanding now. You were and are innocent.

[MustLoveBeagles]

47. Cry if you need to

You wishing suffering on him didn't cause him to get cancer. Please don't blame yourself for this. You didn't do anything wrong. He did.

[SweetieD]

48. Very sorry that you went through that.

[Sogo]

49. First of all, it's ok to cry....

....You probably have a lot of hurt about it. Crying will help let it out.

Secondly, now you can set him and yourself free through forgiveness. Just think of him with this thought: "I forgive you for not being what I wanted you to be. I forgive you and set you free." That thought works to let go of the negative emotions in regards to yourself, also. Just direct it inward to that little girl who was tricked and trapped into that abuse and didn't know what to do about it. You probably blame yourself for not knowing how to defend yourself or how to get out of it, but just have this affirmation for that little girl and become freed of the blame, and guilt, and hurt.

Wishing you well....

[sir pball]

50. "I have never killed any man, but...

…I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction." - Clarence Darrow

Being human means feeling the range of human emotions, including the "negative". I've personally never had a problem accepting that and even sometimes feeling fine with schadenfreude, but I can't tell you how to process it. It isn't abnormal or wrong at all, though.

[orleans]

53. he sounds like a real asshole

i'm assuming he never bothered to apologize when you both grew up

i'm sorry you went through that.
crap like that gets woven into the tapestry of who we are--whether it makes us stronger, fucks us up, or just lingers in the background of our life. or all of the above.

[shenmue]

54. I am sorry

[VarryOn]

55. First of all, I've thought of you a few times today....

And I've started a few different responses to you, only to end up deleting them. Wanting to respond, I still didnt know what to say. I'd want whatever I say to be helpful to you. And given the situation, a helpful and compassionate response has been elusive.

Like you, I was sexually abised. Fortunately (I think), I was a toddler. Unfortunately, it was done by an uncle. When I was in my early 20s, he died in an accident. I have never told anyone, and he and I never discussed it years after. But, I was around him as though nothing ever happened. Essentially, he and I pretended it never happened. I honestly never thought about him possibly abising anyone else.

When he was killed, memories of his abouse percolated to the top, and they were prominent in my mind for 2-3 months. And I started thinking about what I should do. This was a private, internal quandry; no one know.

I dont want to get all Christiany on you and my story below does not require Christianity. It does, however, figure into my story. If you find it offensibe, I sincerely apologize.

Then one Sunday, my chirch had a visiting speaker, and he spoke on how the gather gave the prodigal son. The situations arent comparable, but he made a statement that was, and Ive never forgotten: "You forgive for your sake and not formthe one who needs forgiving."

It took probably three years, and I have my days, but I forgiven my uncle. Maybe the fact he died violently helped. But, I can now think of him now without getting angry or crying. It took prayer, meditation, and lots of discussions/counseling with a minister. Essentially, I learned to pray for my uncle, hoping he would be changed and remembering that hurting people tend to hurt other people (not necessarily in th same way they were hurt).

I eventually got to where I didnt think about my experience or my uncle very often. And when I did, I quickly moved on.

Again, this my story. And there is a lot to the process of forgiveness, and I probably didnt explaain it well. Also, everyone isnt a Christia, and my story can sound like a circus freak show. I guess my point is that it's possible to deal mentally with an evil person.