Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation Dear Family:

[keithbvadu2]

Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation

Dear Family:

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me.
If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you
might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00, NOT 2:15, NOT 2:05. Two (2:00)
Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different. This year because I have decided that 2/3 of you don't know how to take care of nice things, then paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television
stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy, look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Speaking of being a mother; if you are babysitting a neighbor’s kid, it is not automatically family here.
Take them back home or put them in one. Or tell the neighbors to send enough money to pay for a restaurant meal.

11. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

12. Words mean things! I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

13. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

14. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.
Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family
needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma.

.

[keithbvadu2]

1. Tradition

[tblue37]

2. Is this from your family? If it's from the net, is there a link? nt

[Lochloosa]

13. Sherry Riter.

https://theredheadriter.com/2014/09/chuckle-of-the-day-grandmas-thanksgiving-invitation/

[Srkdqltr]

3. This is way to true.

Thanks for posting.

[Hekate]

4. Sounds like a lot of it was stolen from Margaret & Helen!

[keithbvadu2]

5. Stolen from many places

[PJMcK]

17. I had the same thought!

See my post #16 below.

And have a happy Thanksgiving!

[Mariana]

60. Helen has never written anything as hateful as this.

Someone thought they could improve upon Helen's writing. That person was wrong.

[Hekate]

62. Helen's original is downthread, & is as feisty as ever...

Sadly, the OP missed the essential humor that underlies Helen's blog. I'm sure he meant well with whatever he got that was going around, but it missed the mark.

[Mariana]

65. She is as feisty as ever.

However, Helen does not call any of her relatives hateful and demeaning names. She doesn't criticize anyone's choice of spouse. She does not threaten them if they don't come. Etc. I don't think the writer of the nasty screed in the OP meant well, I think the writer fully intended to write a nasty screed.

[Hekate]

67. Sigh. I was trying to be conciliatory.

As for Margaret herself, I am a longtime fan.

[LakeArenal]

6. Sounds horrible.

Gramma can keep her bloody inheritance and I will stay home.

[Chellee]

8. Agreed.

In number 10 she's just randomly bitchy to some poor kid that through no fault of his own doesn't get to spend a Holiday with his parents.

I realize that this is supposed to be funny, but really? This is why no one visits you Grandma. This is why you have to badger and bribe people to come.

[SammyWinstonJack]

15. No kidding, right?

[ashredux]

30. Chill...wait till you see the end coming at you like a freight train

[LakeArenal]

34. ??? My old relatives were nothing like that.

How do you know whether I’ve seen or not seen the end staring me in the face.

All I can say is one should be thankful at Thanksgiving. Especially if you see the freight train coming for me/you.

[cwydro]

35. You realize this is supposed to be a funny Thanksgiving meme, right?

Smh.

[LakeArenal]

44. I understand it's a meme.

[Mariana]

45. It fails. nt.

[sarisataka]

46. Yes

And I hear two out of three ain't bad

[DesertRat]

37. Same!

I know this is supposed to be humorous, but "Grandma" is way too cranky and mean-spirited.

[Skittles]

7. grandma sounds like an asshole

Rhonda gets it right.

[canetoad]

9. Great read

Very funny.

I'm Aussie, so don't really *get Thanksgiving, but I like Grandma's take on things.

[demmiblue]

10. OK, Grandma. n/t

[Coventina]

11. Unpleasant. I get that it's supposed to be funny, but comes across as

a woman that has outlived her sense of humor.

[ashredux]

31. Good lord..are all of you children? Age has some benefits

[Coventina]

42. Age gets you the benefit to be mean to people?

Ugh.

That's a horrible attitude.

[LisaL]

69. Exactly.

For whatever reason, we are supposed to think that bullying is funny.

[SaintLouisBlues]

12. OK Boomer

[Piasladic]

14. Not funny

and sort of awful really... If I had a gran like that, you can be sure her favorite holiday would be honored just as she wants (and just by herself).

I get it's supposed to be lighthearted, but there is too much reality in this entitled nastiness to be a joke.

[LisaL]

28. It's very mean.

Especially the part about the cat. WTF? If I had a grandmother like that she would be sitting alone on Thanksgiving.

[PJMcK]

16. As Hekate wrote above in post #4, this sounds like Margaret & Helen

Here is Helen's post from last year:

Dear Family,

As we gather again for another Thanksgiving, I’d like to set up some house rules. I know I’m not the head cook anymore, but I’m still the head of the household so listen up:

No cell phones at the dinner table.

No feet (big or tiny) on my furniture.

No jello-salad.

Parenting is a full-time job. You don’t get the holiday off. Watch your kids and make sure there is some food on their plate that has color. Carrots. Green beans. Yams. Something more than just mashed potatoes. They might not eat any, but it’s never too soon to introduce them to each other. It would be easier if I was still the cook and everything had a little bacon grease to help it go down, but in this age of vegavegan-gluttenfree-halffat-lesssodium-nosugaradded, I can’t be responsible for how the food tastes anymore. Gone are the days of the three master spices: salt, pepper and bacon grease.

No jello-salad. I’m serious about this. The only thing that jiggles at my house this Thanksgiving will be your Aunt Trudy after a few glasses of wine.

I’ve lived a long life and along the way, I’ve collected a few nice things. I don’t put them away for company and I don’t put them away for family. Eventually your child needs to learn the meaning of the word No. Let’s make that happen today. We watch football in the family room on TV. We throw footballs outside on the lawn. And when you do go outside, shut the door behind you. I don’t need to air condition the whole neighborhood. And if Mr. Briggers next door tells you to stay off his lawn, tell him to stay off my last nerve. I swear, that man is the one bad bulb that ruins the whole string of lights.

If you want to talk politics sit next to me, but if you own a MAGA hat be warned. Your President is an asshat and I’m old enough to speak my mind regardless of your precious feelings. If I were you, I’d practice don’t ask, don’t tell because even when I mind my Ps and Qs, I can still spell bullshit.

No jello-salad.

If your child still wears diapers, you will leave with the same number of them as you had when you arrived. Bag them up and take them with you. The trash man doesn’t come again until next Tuesday and the last thing I need is a trash can full of baby poop. No exceptions to this rule. You’re dealing with a woman who washed cloth diapers so this would be an argument you will lose.

You know I love you. And I am indeed thankful for my family. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Follow the rules and we’ll all get along just fine.

No jello-salad. I mean it. Really.

With love,

Aunt Helen/Mom/Grandma

[keithbvadu2]

18. A few more goodies to add. Plagiarism - no problem.

Mine was from various sources.

[keithbvadu2]

19. Talk politics

[ashredux]

32. OK..that's funny

[PatrickforO]

39. Now that's funny.

[Mariana]

48. The original work is far superior to the shitty rip-off.

Helen says nothing that is vicious or hateful, and there are no threats. Whoever it was who thought they could improve upon it failed miserably.

[Hekate]

57. That's my Helen. Accept no substitutes.

Boy oh boy did did that feisty Texas lady hate Dubya and Cheney. At her time of life it must be a sore trial to get Trump and MAGA.

But she still won't accept poopy diapers left behind in her trash for days.

[tavernier]

20. Ugh. Awful woman. She probably has to abuse her kids with threats

of being erased from the will because she has no friends.

All the grannies I hang around with are warm and friendly and fun, and anyone who needs a place to celebrate the holiday is welcome.

Having said that, I know it’s a joke, and I did giggle at the wiggle, Jell-O and Chloe.

[LisaL]

26. Yea, I doubt it's a letter from a real grandma.

I've seen it before. The letter is awful. I wouldn't go visiting a grandma like that.

[sarisataka]

21. Dear Grandma,

I am glad to hear you are well. I hope you will enjoy your favorite holiday for many years to come. Unfortunately I must decline your invitation this year as my family will have a much smaller gathering.

If you should be out, you are welcome to stop by. We will have a sit down meal at 3 but we will player up something if you are hungry no matter when you arrive.

You are my guest and I do not expect you to bring anything however if you do have a dish in have it will be gratefully accepted.

Should you have any dietary restrictions I will be happy to guide around the pantry; I'm sure there is something you can eat. I will be happy to prepare it.

If you have a friend or know someone who otherwise would be alone, please bring them. Holidays can be difficult on those who do not have family and I would be overjoyed to share our company in place of those they are missing.

Children are welcome of course; I trust you have taught them respect for the property of others as I have taught mine. I realize accidents may happen but isn't stuff less important than teaching children the value of sharing their time with family and friends. They won't understand that this year but in the future, when they have families of their own, they will tell their children stories of how Thanksgiving was when they were young.

If you cannot come by on Thanksgiving, that is fine. Maybe you can visit at Christmas or any other day. My house is always open to you.

Love always,

[Aristus]

22. She's taking a lot of flak here.

Last edited Sun Nov 24, 2019, 09:17 PM - Edit history (1)

And I'm not saying the people firing it off are wrong.

But I will say that I got tired pretty quickly of my step-daughter's kids' relentless fascination with opening beverage cans. Grandma is right about that. These kids will have opened three or four cans of beverage and taken a few slurps from each of them before abandoning them and hoiking another can out of the fridge before I discover what they've been up to.

As the step-grandfather, I am strictly enjoined from correcting them for this and disciplining them accordingly. My step-daughter passed so much of her obnoxiousness on to all four of her kids that, this year, I'm thankful they all live in another state.

[Farmer-Rick]

33. I had a Niece stay for a couple of months while she moved to a nearby city.

She never, ever finished anything on her plate, ever. That meant my sink water got all full of crap because I forgot to scrape off all the food she left on her plate. And she never did dishes. She never cooked and she brought her cat.Then she would fail to clean out the cat box and the house stank.

I love her, but I'm glad she's not staying here anymore.

[Skittles]

40. flak

flack is a publicity agent

[Aristus]

71. Thank you.

Corrected.

[Baltimike]

23. My Grandmom would have knocked the shit out of this lady

Number 10? WTF is Thanksgiving *about* anyway?

Oh hell no. Not this one. I'd run this one out of a rail, and she can take her fucking will with her too

[murielm99]

24. I can sympathize with grandma.

It sounds like she does not like a lot of bossy relatives coming in and taking over her home, doing exactly as they please. Maybe in the past they have not respected her home or her feelings. She is speaking up because of this.

Yes, it is funny. But it also speaks some truth.

[LisaL]

27. if that were a real grandma (which I doubt) she sounds like a piece of work.

For somebody who doesn't like bossy relatives, she sure likes bossing her relatives around.

[Mariana]

50. If she doesn't like what they do at her house

then why the hell is she threatening to cut them out of the will if they *don't* come? Only a crazy control freak would do that.

[Greybnk48]

25. I read this letter to half my family.

I could have written it! Love, love, love!

[keithbvadu2]

29. We all have some of those relatives, or might even be some of those relatives.

We all have some of those relatives, or might even be some of those relatives.

Does it need a drunken uncle warning?

[Greybnk48]

61. I'm 71. I've cooked TG dinner since I was 19, and have had so many drunken everythings:

my mother, my first husband, 2 FIL, 1 MIL on drugs, and cousins, kids, nieces and nephews with drug and alcohol problems. It's a family tradition, on all sides! Consequently, I/we don't serve alcohol on holidays, or very rarely and just one drink or so. My husband and I have drinks a few times a year. It's fun, but my current husband also went through treatment 35 years ago, and after watching what it has done to so many others as well we choose to keep it at arms length.

Also, no one seems to mind since many are in recovery, but like the grandma in the op, I don't care if they do. My house, my rules.

[woundedkarma]

36. Thank goodness

That this isn't anyone I'm related to.

I've spent most TGs with my wife's family since we met.

There is so much wrong with this post... I'm just going to point one out, number 10.

With our family if you are cared about by someone in the family, you ARE family. The end. That means the neighbors kid is welcome, that means wives, husbands, ex-wives, ex-husbands, friends, friends of friends, random-dude-off-the-street etc... are all welcome, considered family and will be fed to bursting.

[Piasladic]

73. Thank you!

Your family sounds wonderful and welcoming.

[PatrickforO]

38. This just doesn't sound much like a fun Thanksgiving.

I'm a grandparent and would never, ever issue something like this for my kids and grandkids. I know I'm being a stick-in-the-mud, or stiff shirt, or whatever pejorative you might want to use, but I didn't really think this was very funny. But then, I am not sure the person writing it meant it to be funny.

But if I got that............I wouldn't go.

[getagrip_already]

41. we still laugh at my octogenarian mil saying.....

"If I can eat vegetarian food, why can't they eat meat?"

Very nice lady, but thanksgiving is now at her sons house.

[appalachiablue]

43. Sounds like a grumpy grandpa in parts, and pretty cranky

[Buckeyeblue]

47. Grandma sounds entertaining in small doses

The rest of the family sounds like morons. I would stay home. I don't really want her money. Or the shit she calls "nice things."

[cwydro]

49. Judging from the responses to this thread...

Either a lot of people like jello salad, or just have no sense of humor.

[Texasgal]

51. Grandma sounds grumpy

and maybe in need of some vodka and a xanax!

[LAS14]

52. Ha! I thought I invented that! And it was a secret for me too!!

"This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup."

We used to have people to Sunday lunch regularly. Soup, bread and cheese and fruit. I added a dollop of peanut butter to my carrot soup and told everyone they'd get a round of applause if they could figure out what was in the soup. Most often nobody did. Squash, cheese, etc., etc.

[delisen]

53. I'll send a Happy Thanksgiving card.nt

Last edited Sun Nov 24, 2019, 07:35 PM - Edit history (1)

rather serve at the Homeless shelter meal.

[LAS14]

54. A soul mate!!! nt

[Mariana]

56. My mother-in-law got really mean and nasty in her later years.

She died in 2015. No one misses her.

[CabalPowered]

58. Salty

Pass the tofurky.

[lunasun]

59. I would invent a cat who needs 2 shots a day too plus odds are the crank could live long enough

in a home later to not have much of a will left or change it one day to give everything to a church
She starts out an invitation with a mention of her will
It didn’t seem like an invitation of family love get together-just a call out to get a Christmas gift and gamble on her will , which you could lose at after years of catering to her whims at holidays and eating on paper plates and drinking from solo cups for Thanksgiving when it wasn’t about lack of funds so no .
Maybe this is all she has left to offer them emotionally
Bet there’s a $10 check in the old bat’s Christmas gift card anyway along with a note to not cash it if you aren’t planning on sending a thank you note back to her.

Also, I am extremely surprised there were no rules on attire in the decree
She has left a lot of loopholes in details like that if family really wanted to fuck with her day and still follow the rules.

[Mariana]

63. She talks about having 32 people there.

Assuming all of them are under the same threat of being cut out of the will, there isn't going to be much of an inheritance in any case, not divided among that many people. Unless of course she is very rich, which seems unlikely, if she's going to monitor how many drinks each child may have.

[cwydro]

64. It's a damn joke!

Why is so many can’t see that?

[Mariana]

66. Maybe if so many people didn't have real relatives

who are this hateful, it would be funny.

[LisaL]

68. It's pretty mean spirited joke.

Not sure why people would think it's funny.

[lunasun]

70. Yes we are not even mocking a real dysfunctional person so why be upset ?

[keithbvadu2]

72. How to Stuff Your Parrot on Thanksgiving

How to Stuff Your Parrot on Thanksgiving

https://www.democraticunderground.com/10181285947