😁 Betsy DeVos Says She Was Planning to Close All Schools Anyway 😁

[underpants]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As an increasing number of schools and universities closed down because of the coronavirus outbreak, the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, revealed on Monday that she had been planning for years to close every school in the country anyway.

Speaking to reporters in Washington, DeVos said, “When I took over as Education Secretary, I came with a simple mission: to shut down all of the nation’s schools. It turns out that I was just ahead of my time.”

Noting that schools are where students learn math, science, and history, DeVos said, “I have long believed that schools are where all the bad things happen.”


Deciding to “wipe out the scourge of education once and for all,” DeVos said that, within days of taking office, she drew up an ambitious plan called No School Left Open.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/betsy-devos-says-she-was-planning-to-close-all-schools-anyway

[ProfessorGAC]

1. Clever & Funny

With Borowitz, we expect nothing but!

[Ilsa]

2. I can imagine her actually saying these things. nt

[dchill]

4. Yes. And that's the scary thing.

[TexasTowelie]

3. I thought that her plans only applied to the public schools.

DeVos wouldn't want to do anything to hamper capitalism after all.

[CaptYossarian]

5. All schools except that Liberty U farce.

[Kaiserguy]

8. All schools except

the one run by the RW Christian Taliban. Those school will be used as a model for all future schools in the coming Fascist RW Christian takeover of America.

[CaptYossarian]

9. O Canada!

It's a good thing they haven't built a wall at their southern border yet.

[Chainfire]

6. I think that what she meant

Was all schools that were not run for profit.

[Girard442]

7. That would be more funny if it were less true.

[Guilded Lilly]

10. Don't give her any ideas!

[BillyBobBrilliant]

11. That has been the goal

of the religious right since the Scopes trial in 1925.

[lagomorph777]

12. Cruella DeVos is hard to parody because she's such a cartoon villain already.

[calimary]

14. Love it! Cruelly DeVos! Perfect!

[qwlauren35]

13. Not Funny.

Can't you just preface the title with "HUMOR:"

[lark]

15. Borowitz hit a home run with this piece, scathingly perfect!