One of my dearest friends just lost her 28 year old son

[Danmel]

To a drug overdose. He has been battling addiction for more than 10 years. It totally consumed his life and hers. She just called me on her way home from the hospital.
She tried to revive him with narcan but it was too late. As a mother of a child the same age as her son Anthony, I cannot even begin to imagine trying and failing to revive my child. We actually met commuting to work when we were both pregnant.
I am heartbroken. I am at a loss about what to do.
How can I help her?

[Skittles]

1. so sorry, Danmel

the only thing you is let her know you're there for her

[gibraltar72]

3. A veteran

Be there let her talk. If that's what she needs.

[MLAA]

2. My only experience is from the loss of a boyfriend many years ago

All I wanted to do was talk about him and everyone around was afraid to bring him up or ask me about him. Sending you and your friend love.

[Laffy Kat]

4. I am so sorry. Addiction has to to be the most heart-breaking disease.

I have 24-year-old niece--the only child of my only sibling--who is a recovering heroin addict. She doing fine right now, finishing her degree and working, but I am always on eggshells. Every time I get a call from my sister's number my heart drops.

The only thing I know to do to help your friend is to be there when she's ready, hold her hand and simply listen or cry with her. Twenty-eight is so, so young.

[Kaleva]

5. So very sorry to hear about your friend's great loss.

Continuing to be her friend and support is probably the best thing you can do. She is in dire need of it.

[smirkymonkey]

6. Oh, I am so sorry Danmel. How heartbreaking.

Death from addiction is just the saddest thing. Just be there for her and listen to her. Let her know that you are there for her and offer her a shoulder to cry upon. You seem like a very good, kind person. I am sure she appreciates your friendship.

[SCantiGOP]

7. I lost my best friend from college

I call it an Accidental Suicide. He didn’t want to die and didn’t mean to, but binge drinking, pills and cocaine going through a hepatitis-scarred liver killed him in his early 40s.

I was so damned angry at him for about a year, until I reunited with some of our old college friends and talked it through. It really helped to realize that I wasn’t the victim and to remember what a great guy he had been.
Goddamn the drug demons; they have taken a lot of good people.

[Danmel]

10. I'm sorry about your friend

Anthony struggled for a long time. There was a lot of dysfunction in the family. My friend really had to battle not just with him, but with her ex husband who had issues of his own and undermined her efforts to help their son and enabled Anthony's addiction. There were times when I thought Anthony was trying and other times when I think, like most addicts, he lied a lot and told people what he figured they wanted to hear.
He had done time in prison and time in rehab and he just couldn't get it together. I always thought he would either end up in prison for a long time or end up dead because he never really seemed to get better for any real period of time.
I have never wanted to be wrong more than I am tonight.

[SCantiGOP]

25. The most telling thing you said

“he lied a lot.”
That is the mark of an addict. They have to lie to themselves as much as they do to others.
Talk it out with your friend when she’s ready. I think it will also help you to accept being one of many that he left behind.

Peace to you, friend.

[Jarqui]

35. Lost mine from preschool at age 31 somewhat similarly

I fought his drugs and alcohol for more than half his life and lost.
Terrible wound. I'll never get over it even though it happened in 1985.
I wasn't mad. I couldn't stop going over it and over it trying to determine where I screwed up or what I could have done to avoid it.

[gopiscrap]

8. I am so sorry

[sheshe2]

9. Just give her a hug.

She will understand the warmth and love.

[MaryMagdaline]

11. I know two families who lost children to addiction

My best friend’s daughter (age38)
My close friends’ son (age 27)

Both had been in rehab off and on for years. Both addicted to heroine. Both died from fentanyl overdose.

My best friend liked to talk about her daughter
My other friends got some relief getting together with old friends ... the ones who knew their kids when they were little

Unless she pushes you away, call and make specific times to come to her house to bring food or wine. There is no comfort being with anyone who didn’t love their child. Looks like you fit the bill. Being there will help her.

One nightmare is over (addiction) and another one (death) begins. Don’t be afraid if she has intermittent pain and relief. Some days my friends would take comfort that they knew where their child was ... he/she was not out on the street scoring drugs.

[Kaiserguy]

12. Talk to her

about her son. So often people are afraid to bring up the subject after someone you love dies. The chance to remember and to cry with a good friend are a big part of healing.

[thecrow]

40. Make sure she is eating well

I lost my partner of 20+ years at home when he fell and couldn’t be revived. Tragic trauma.
After a couple weeks family and friends faded away. It got lonely. I didn’t eat well. It was like I forgot how. So that is part of recovery after a shock like your friend has been through.
That and let her talk about it. I found that being able to talk about it even repeating it, was healing. I had to come to terms with it. It’s a process.

[sinkingfeeling]

13. I'm so sorry.

[Leghorn21]

14. Dear Danmel, your friend is in shock. She doesn't have any idea yet what just happened - it's

too much for her to even begin to comprehend at this moment (and for the weeks and months ahead).

Being there, which will be excruciating for you, is the greatest gift you can offer right now, and you know what, some of your delicious home-cooked food will just be so appreciated, even though she may not be able to express her gratitude to you.

Can you bring her some cat or dog food, water her plants, get her lawn weeded and mowed for her? And maybe, if she has been too distracted lately to do so, maybe you can bring her some cans of food and yes, toilet paper, and other household things to get her through the (most likely) perilous onslaught we’re facing?

You are a good best friend, and I swear, she might not even know you’re there, D, but you don’t even care, because you love her so dearly.

Sending you all best wishes,
Sandy

[barbtries]

15. Just be there for her.

I wrote more, and deleted.

When my daughter was killed, people said things they didn't know were hurtful. Example: I know all my kids are still alive because gawd knows I couldn't take it if one of my kids died. I was actively offended by the woman who assured me on more than one occasion that she "understood." Well, she could not understand because her child was still alive. It would have been good if she could have understood that.

People who said the right thing admitted that they could not fathom what i was going through. They never told me what they would do if it was their child. They listened faithfully and did not judge me when the loss left me dysfunctional for longer than they thought it should.

Ask your friend what you can do and continue to do so. After the shock begins to wear off (for me it was about 2 1/2 months, then the real pain hit), you may be able to advocate grief counseling, which I found very helpful. I think a peer group of parents whose children died from an overdose could be especially helpful for her.

It took a long, long time. years. Your friend may recover faster than I did, or it could take longer. It's a grief that never goes away, but is manageable over time, in my experience. Eventually I could pursue happiness again, and live in a way that was worthwhile and meaningful for me.

This book was gifted to me, I want to say it was from my MADD woman, but not sure. I've since bought it for other recently bereaved mothers. https://www.amazon.com/No-Time-Goodbyes-Coping-Injustice/dp/1878321404/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=no+time+for+good-bye&qid=1584068298&sr=8-2

I'm so sorry this happened to your friend, and her son.

[Danmel]

20. Thank you so much for sharing this

I am so sorry for your tragic loss.
I'm so sad for her. And for him because he never really understood how special he was and how much he was loved.
I've known him since the day he was born. In fact, I got drafted into duty at his bris because other than his father, (and the mohel of course) I was the only Jewish person there.
It is surreal, even though it is not really a surprise. My friend has had a lot of loss in her life. This is by far the worst. I will reach out to her tomorrow. She is with her boyfriend and I'm sure her daughter is with them. We are very close. But I am not her family and dont want to push it. But I am just so sad.
I am also going to have a hard time missing work right now because I work for a NYS elected official and we are buried with coronavirus and upcoming ballot petition deadlines. Let me just sat this us NOT the best time to be going door to door asking people to sign stuff.

And we are short staffed and my boss is up in Albany for a good part of next week.
I'm beside myself. Things are seriously messed up right now.i will order the book to give her in the future.
Thanks again for your support. Sending love and a socially separated virtual hug to you.

[slumcamper]

39. This--such great advice.

Absolutely.

Anyone with the capacity for empathy understands that, at times, it literally hurts. I understand your pain, but you are blessed to be able to feel. Far too many cannot. But because you can, this is a moment at which your special gift of empathy, caring, and compassion can begin healing you both. Take time...share, overcome, grow together, bond. The cosmos intends this.

I'm very sorry for the pain you are bother feeling. You are in our thoughts as you both go forward and heal through the power of shared compassion.

This is one of life's important journeys. Will you please update us on your course if you can?

[Warpy]

16. Do a lot of listening without trying to fix things

because some things can't be fixed, only talked through so that they begin to make some sense.

Narcan isn't magic, but it does give a person the best chance of surviving an accidental overdose. Your friend did the right things and she did the best she could.

[Frances]

29. Good advice

Just listen
It’s early to mention this to her but you can see if there is a support group in your area for other people in her situation

[moreland01]

17. Same here.

My best friend's son died from accidental overdose at 21.
All she wanted was to know that we wouldn't forget him or her pain. Every year I still send her a card so she knows I haven't forgotten him. She still cries every year when I call. Over 10 years now.

[Dem2theMax]

18. A cousin of mine recently lost her granddaughter to an overdose.

And very good friends of mine lost a grandson to the same thing.

The one thing my cousin told me is that she feels like everyone else has forgotten that this happened three months ago. I always gently ask her if she feels the need to talk about her granddaughter. And if she's in the mood, she does. I just let her know I'm here for her anytime of the day or night. We live on opposite ends of the country. I've told her she can pick up the phone and scream and yell, or cry on my shoulder over the phone, I'm here for her.

Do the same for your friend. Right now she'll have a lot more support than she will in the coming months. I know this for a fact because when I lost my parents that's what happened to me. So let her know you're going to be there in the long run.

And I'm so sorry for you, because this is a loss for you as well.

[lunatica]

19. Just let her know you're available and listen when and if

she talks about him. When she does, join in and talk about him. I lost my only son too.

The worst part is when people suddenly shut up when I talked about him. What I talked about was never about his death. It was simple things like remembering something my son said or did in his life. People don’t know what to say or think they don’t want to remind you he’s dead which is a terrible reaction. People think you should move on but you never will. There is no moving on. A parent is always aware of the fact their child is dead. No one can suddenly REMIND us of that death. We KNOW it!

Be aware of the stages of grief. You can find plenty of information online. The stages can be fast or they can take a very long time. One of those stages is anger. Your friend will lash out at some point. Just try to remember it’s a stage in her grief process, even if she isn’t aware of it. The first year is hard. There’s no getting around this.

In time she’ll begin to remember the fun times. Be there for those times too.

[ReformedGOPer]

21. I'm a bereaved mom, 15 years in.

My greatest joy is hearing someone say her name. It seems so small, yet my greatest fear is that she will be forgotten. Hearing her name brings joy to my soul.

[pnwmom]

23. That makes sense. Saying her name helps keep her memory alive.

My parents never stopped missing my baby sister.

[pnwmom]

22. Just sit quietly with her, and let her talk. She will probably have a lot to say,

but when she is quiet, she will still be appreciating your support.

And when you can, and the time seems right, share positive memories of her son, so she'll know someone else remembers him.

[NewEnglandAutumn]

24. Me too

My son died a few weeks after he turned 20. He was not an addict and to the best of our knowledge rarely even used pot. One morning he 'overslept'. That was several years back and I still have days where I can't breathe. One of the things that I have trouble with is that some judge. My son was 'bad' he 'deserved' it etc. not only untrue but so hurtful. He was my baby and was loved no matter what. I would not be less hurt if he died in an accident or illness. Those who get it are so helpful.

[Danmel]

28. I'm so sorry

And shame on people who judge when they have no idea what happened. Sometimes I think people do that as a protective mechanism. They want to think nothing like that will ever touch them or their families, so they judge other people.
It can and does happen to lots of people. Good people. I'm sorry newenglandautumn. Sending hugs and love.

[cate94]

26. Just be there

She’ll need your love and support....and no judgements. It’s a hard enough, but I’m sure you know that in your hearts because she called you. She called you.

[calimary]

32. That's the best thing I think any friend can do.

Just be there.

[sprinkleeninow]

27. Found this recently. I have one person that I update every few days and

'talk'. Text msgs. and VMs.

People congregated around me last year when my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly of cardiac arrest. Then calls and visits dwindled. I read online that this happens. I'm not 'typically' grieving so they may be glad that I'm doing okay.

It's been the strangest experience and greatest test of my life.

Your friend and you are in my heart. 💜

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-gets-better/201608/when-you-dont-know-what-say

[Danmel]

30. That was beautiful

Thank you for sharing it

[sprinkleeninow]

36. 💜🙏

[canetoad]

31. I'm better at practical things than emotional support

Make sure she has food (and maybe a nice bottle of wine) in the fridge.

Does she need help navigating the bureacratic requirements?

Can you run errands, make calls etc?

[Tech]

33. Lots of great advise. You have already helped her, being one who she reached out

to in her grief. Just keep being her friend. You knew him your whole life, condolences to you as well.

[TygrBright]

34. Talk regularly and listen a lot.

Losing a child is an unfathomable horror for anyone who hasn't had the experience, and a bottomless nightmare for those who do have it.

All we can do is reach across the void and try to maintain a connection.

But that's what humans do for one another.

somberly,
Bright

[wendyb-NC]

37. So sorry to hear of his tragic loss.

Be her friend, call her, drop by and see if she wants to go out to lunch, or for walk in the park.

[Brogrizzly]

38. Such a hard situation to bear all around.

Heartbreaking, for her, for you trying to navigate this.

I’d just remind her, her son had value. Her love of him had value, nothing said will ever fill a loss this great. But the effort to feel her sons memory, with your support and love, that’s what matters. Thank you for being so kind, so empathetic, we need more of this in the world, I hope you find an answer you can use for this painful situation. Really hope healing comes in helping your friend through this.

[thecrow]

41. This thread makes me cry

But thank you, everyone who wrote of their loss.
No one can fully understand losing a loved one.
It was five or fifteen years ago and yet it was just yesterday...
and it will always be yesterday.
I love it when DUers support each other. Reading all the personal stories
breaks my heart all over but I don’t feel so alone.
What a wonderful thread.