Advice please.

[EllieBC]

So I know this is the internet but you guys all seem fairly level headed.

As some of you know I’m in NYS at the moment as my father passed away. I’m staying until the end of March because my mother has endometrial cancer and kept putting off her surgery because my dad was sick. So now I’m here as the one to make her go to appointments and to her surgical appointment over the next 2 weeks.

I can’t leave. I can’t. She won’t get the surgery. Yes there are cousins and whatnot here but she will literally cancel and refuse to go. At the same time I’m panicking I’ll never see my husband and kids again (they are home in BC) because there’s all this talk of potential border shutdowns and lockdowns and whatnot.

I can’t leave but I’m afraid if I don’t I won’t be able to.

Can someone give me some advice, an internet face slap, maybe an internet hug, or perhaps some calming words?

[Sugar Smack]

1. Do you have siblings?

Anywhere near you? I really, really feel your pain.

[EllieBC]

3. My sister is here from Raleigh.

However, she’s leaving after shiva because her husband and she need to get back home.

I’m a little annoyed because she’s at least in this country and I have my family in another.

[Sugar Smack]

13. I'm sorry. I asked because I

had a sibling living across the US from me while I took care of my Dad during his illness. Wasn't very helpful, but we've made amends. But it was traumatic. I hope there's some way you can really work the responsibilities out with your sister. I hope you remain safe above all.

And here's another, just because we can.

[question everything]

2. I am sorry. Do stay and make sure she has the surgery

No one knows what will happen at the end of March so don't worry now about going home. Make sure she gets the surgery before the hospital will decide she does not fit into a triage.

You will not regret it.

Stay strong and calm.

[EllieBC]

6. Thank you.

I’m trying so hard to stay calm but I feel like the whole world is losing their collective minds.

[EndlessWire]

31. I agree with this.

She's your Momma. Stay with her and protect her. Your family is safe. You will see them again.

Can you Skype?

[irisblue]

4. hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs

What did your husband say when you talked with him?

And, your Mom & her endometrial cancer diagnosis, what does her primary/surgeon recommend? How old is she?

Can she go with you back to your home?


hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs

[EllieBC]

9. She's 76.

It was Stage II when she was diagnosed in December. Which she didn’t tell anyone.

Her gp and OB/GYN surgeon say a hysterectomy is one of the best treatments for this type of cancer.

I can’t take her back to Canada because she won’t meet requirements. She’s sadly too old and too ill to get residency. 😞

[irisblue]

12. A hard question

Does your Mother want the surgery?

Could she be foot dragging from grief and depression? Losing her husband has got to be horrible

[EllieBC]

17. I think it was fear.

My dad was going downhill fast and she was afraid to get surgery if he wasn’t there. At the same time we all thought he’d be ok because he’s the man who has always pulled through. Triply bypass, stents, COPD, type II diabetes...he managed through it all. To have him decline quickly and begin to lose his mental capabilities and then a fall and massive heart attack was not what anyone was ready for.

She shut down and I’m here to lift her up and take care of business.

[redstatebluegirl]

5. Ellie, take a deep breath, you have had a lot to deal with and it messes with our minds sometimes.

Yes, things look terrible, but if they do shut down the boarders, it will not be forever. Everything I have seen and read says that 8 to 12 weeks are what we are looking at in terms of bring it somewhat under control. Your mom needs you, and you need to stop reading the paper and stop watching the news for a day or so to calm down.

None of these shutdowns will be forever. Lots of labs across the world are working on a cure for this, or a at least vaccine. They will remove any roadblocks to getting it out there to the public. Trump is toast and so is his party so no worries things will go back to normal at some point.

You are safer there with your mom than on an airplane believe me.

Hugs to you on the loss of your Dad and your Mom's illness. Be kind to yourself.

[Sugar Smack]

16. You're good at this! I feel better.

[redstatebluegirl]

25. I spent a long time in academic advising, calming down young people.

You get good at it after a while. . Be safe and be kind to yourself.

[EllieBC]

19. Thank you.

I needed to be reminded that the temporary isn’t the permanent.

[TreasonousBastard]

7. Don't panic. This will be over some day, hopefully sooner rather than later...

and your mother needs you now.

One day at a time. Just one day at a time...

[uriel1972]

8. Sometimes there is no right choice...

You will have to make a decision on which is the least unpalatable consequence.
My 2 cents, the border shutdowns and whatnot probably wont be permanent (who knows though), so for me it would be staying with my Mum. However I'm not in your situation as I have no kids etc., it would be wrong for me to tell you what path to take.

I will give you a /hug from the underside of the world (Australia), hopefully that is enough social distance.

much love and hope <3
and another /hug


And remember you must make the choice that is least wrong for you, don't take my advice as gospel or anything as again I am not in your situation. Good luck and /hugs again

[safeinOhio]

15. I second this advice.

That will be the least likely border to close and if it does, it won't be for long. Also the easiest to sneak across.
I'd stay with mom for now. Tomorrow is always a day away.

Best of luck and stay safe.

[cwydro]

10. Nobody is closing state borders.

If someone is telling you that, it’s nonsense.

[handmade34]

11. I think I understand your concern

I saw this article...

https://www.thestar.com/politics/federal/2020/03/11/canadian-officials-reviewing-border-policy-as-covid-19-spreads-across-the-us.html

and it does appear there could be a possibility of shutdown but I would think that as you are a citizen of Canada, it could be worked out...

a big hug is in order and if I were you, I would try calling as many Canadian Government officials as needed to get some reassurance that you can go home when the time comes...

I had to choose once between my kids and a family member I felt responsible for and I made the wrong choice and I regret it to this day... get as much info as you can, information is power and calming

[Frustratedlady]

14. You are in a corner, aren't you? I certainly send a cyber hug and hope you find a solution.

Can you sit down with your mother and explain your feelings about your chances of going home because of the bans in process? I have to believe your comfort and happiness is more important to her than her own. Been there/done that and I know how frustrated you must be, but a mother's love is strong and expressing your feelings may make her realize she has to step up to the plate and follow through with her surgery.

Would the cousins come forth and provide her with basic care if she does have surgery? Perhaps home health care can step in. There are many caregivers and your family members might know of some good ones. They aren't cheap, but with hospitals looking at crowded conditions with this virus, she may not be able to stay in the hospital very long. They are even canceling elective surgery, although I wouldn't call cancer situations elective.

My heart goes out to you. Please keep us updated. We care.

[A HERETIC I AM]

18. You can drive home

Take a deep breath. Have a good think about what’s coming and sort it out.

You can still rent a car. You can drive from New York to British Columbia in 3 days, 4 tops and if you have to you can sleep in the car and shower at truck stops (they aren’t as filthy as you might think)

This situation can be handled.



Work it out and you’ll be fine

[UpInArms]

20. Stay safe, Ellie ...

This, too, will work out ... enjoy this time with your mother ... and I am so sorry about your dad

Keep doing all the right things (hand washing, social distancing, etc) and know you will get home sometime

[MineralMan]

21. I'm so sorry you're in that situation, for many reasons.

I can't advise you, though. I don't even know what I would do in your situation. I have two 95-year-old parents who live in Californiia, while I'm here in Minnesota. I have no idea what I'll do if one of them becomes seriously ill. I'm 74 years old myself, and travelling at this time is risky for me. I also have a wife

Such dilemmas are nerve-wracking. Talk with your husband and with yourself. Talk with your mother. Explain why you are torn and ask her to promise to go ahead and have her surgery if you return to BC. If she will commit to that, then you could probably decide to return to your own family.

It's Hobson's Choice. Go with what both your heart and mind tell you. There's really no other way to decide.

[muriel_volestrangler]

22. Countries are still allowing their residents to return home

so that would seem to mean you are best being with your mother while she needs you. It might be getting back to New York State if you were to go back and then find you have to be there to persuade her that would be a problem.

I think it's very unlikely any government is going to prevent people going home. Availability of flights may become a problem in the future; and #18 above says, it might eventually mean renting a car.

[enough]

23. I'm the same age as your mother. In her situation I would want you to go home to your family.

One thing to consider is that in two weeks it may not be at all safe for her to be in a hospital, even if they have room for her. This is the harsh reality of what is coming, having listened to governor Cuomo this morning.

Your children and husband need you, and you need them.

[handmade34]

24. this is breaking news on CNN

BREAKING NEWS: Justin Trudeau says he will close Canada's border to non-citizens amid pandemic

that tells us that residents will be ok to return

https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/cbsa-border-airports-screening-trudeau-covid19-coronavirus-1.5498866

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

26. It won't be a forever thing.

You could get stuck, but not forever. But certainly long enough to be a giant freakin' inconvenience...……….

[OnDoutside]

27. I think you answered your own question.."I can't leave. I can't. She won't get the surgery." Think

how you'd feel if you left and your mother didn't get the surgery. You only have one mother.

[jpak]

28. Let your heart be your guide

Be safe and as happy you can be

[EllieBC]

29. Thank you, DU family.

I’m staying put because I’m the only fire under her butt to get this done.

I just really needed to hear that lockdowns will be temporary and I just needed that panic break.

You’re all amazing.

[uriel1972]

30. glad you have come to a decision...

Good luck to you and your Mum.

and /hugs once more