My dad is in a memory care unit in S. FL and has dementia. Should I drive there from NY

[zonkers]

to get him and drive to a remote location? (I have access a tiny house in a remote suburb in CO). I have no faith in Florida (Broward county) to not fuck this up more than anywhere else. It was only a week ago that the small town canceled Spring Break.

[applegrove]

1. Does he have a DNR order or a living will? That way he can gove you an answer.

[canetoad]

2. Lots of questions

Before giving any suggestions. And even then, this is your decision, alone.

How old is your dad?
Can he take care of himself or needs constant care?
What is a memory care unit? Related to dementia?
Will you or someone else be staying with him?

You haven't given us much information.

[zonkers]

5. Answered yr questions below. Thanks for taking time to ask them.

[still_one]

3. That is an impossible question for anyone else to answer. There are a lot of considerations, the

main one being have you Dad been tested to insure you are both negative?

[zonkers]

4. Sorry for the vagueries. He is well cared for. Knows who I am. Just acts like a little kid and

super forgetful. And no --- no one has been tested, not him or me. He is feeling fine.


Physically healthy and quite ambulatory -- been a walker and a vegetarian his whole life. No major ailments exept high cholesterol. 85 years old. He does not have do not resescitate order. I am named on medical directive. No he cannot take care of himself --- cannot bathe, dress propery or administer meds. I would. take care of him and dont really mind doing it. Done it before, for years. Thanks for everyone's feedback. Sometimes when its middle ofthe night you get a panicked thought -- I am not doing something I should be doing?

[Rstrstx]

9. It sounds like he's better staying there

I can totally understand why you're concerned, have you called the facility to make sure they've been in lockdown? Most nursing homes and similar facilities have not been accepting visitors for a while now. By driving down to Florida you'd risk coming into contact with some of those same spring breakers who would be heading back home, and by the time you got him ready to go there it's not inconceivable that there may be travel bans in some areas. There's a good reason authorities are telling people to stay home.

[cyclonefence]

6. This will sound heartless

but I've been in your situation. I'd leave him where he is.

All the questions others have asked are relevant. I'd add a few: how far along is he? Does he know who you are? It can be terrifying for him if he thinks a stranger is kidnapping him. How long has he been where he is? If he is in familiar surroundings, it will be cruel to force him to relocate. He probably will be frightened by new people trying to help him with self-care.

If you are planning to keep him with you, realize that dementia has physical effects, too. There will come a time when he will not know how to eat or even swallow. Are you prepared to care for the inevitable physical decline, which might be rapid or slow (my mother took ten years to die, and the last seven were torture for her and for me). Can you be sure of his physical safety? Does he sleep all night, or is he likely to wander into the kitchen and turn the stove on? Will he go outside when you are not looking? It only takes a second of inattention. He will not be the person you know and love.

No matter how poor the care is in Broward County, it's what he is accustomed to. One reason we left my mother in WV was because the accents and manners of people up here would upset her. Taking him on a long car ride will be hell for him, and it risks having both of you exposed to CV.

Dementia is not something you recover from. He is only going to get sicker and require more care than you can provide. Have you checked out facilities near your home--do they have room for him,
and can he afford to move there?

I think the best thing to do is to leave him where he is and call the facility frequently. That at least will let his care-givers know that someone cares about him.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

[zonkers]

8. Agree with you. Doesn't sound heartless. It is what it is. Sorry you went through what you went

through. Thanks for the thoughtful and personal response. I was in process of moving him nearer to me when this crisis hit. Everything was put on hold since then. Thanks again. I will let him be for now. Just so hard to feel helpless. Take care everyone.

[Delphinus]

18. And,

what would happen if you got ill and could no longer take care of him?

My thoughts are with you.

[Cailinrain]

7. Main concerns

As someone who is currently the full time caregiver for my 83 yr old mom and has been fully involved while she was in a skilled nursing facility following her stroke for many months my main concern would be the staff getting sick and not being able to come to work. Already, CNA’s take care of so many patients and are so overworked that they cannot properly see to all the patients needs safely. I can’t imagine what care will be like when staff start calling in sick due to Covid concerns. If you are financially able and almost more importantly physically/emotionally able to care for your dad then I would get him to a safer location ASAP. My mom was in a very reputable SNF in Seattle in calmer times and still ended up with a broken hip due to the CNA letting her walk when she was supposed to only be using a lift for transfers! Just my two cents but with what is about to go down in terms of the Covid outbreak, I would get my loved one out of a SNF right away. Take care...I understand fully what a difficult decision you have on your plate.
And on edit reading another reply: my mom has slight dementia and needs full care but is quite “easy” to care for. She knows who I am and feels very safe in my home and is unable to wander off. Hope this helps.

[Jamastiene]

10. That will have to be your decision.

No one else can tell you whether to do that or not.

No one can tell you for your own situation what is best to do. Only you know that answer, in reality.

Good luck, either way.

[enough]

11. Do you have anyone else who depends on you, or could you devote all your time

to him exclusively 24/7 for months or years? Do you have an inexhaustible supply of physical and psychological energy?

Taking care of a dementia patient at home is almost impossibly demanding because of the need for 24-hour care with constantly changing needs, no way to predict what will happen at any moment, and the symptoms always getting worse over time. Eventually it leads to 100 percent physical dependence for all functions. The fact is, he may be better off in a care facility because there’s more than one person on duty over time.

Sorry to be harsh about this, but I have experienced the reality. It’s a heartbreaking situation with no good answer. I wish you strength and courage.

[EllieBC]

12. Hey I'm where you are in some ways.

I traveled from Canada because my dad died and my mom has cancer and needs surgery she won’t get if one of us isn’t here.

I was super anxious about it.

Then another DUer said, “you only get one mom”.

So I’m sharing that advice with you. You only get one dad. Let your heart guide you.

[Princess Turandot]

13. If you remove him from the nursing home, how difficult will it be to get him a bed in the future?

This pandemic will end. The virus might simply disappear a la SARS or normalize itself at some low level in the population. If his physical health beyond early-ish dementia is good, what will happen when the dementia increases and it becomes harder for you to physically care for him? I'm most familiar with NYS practices, where nursing homes usually admit residents subsequent to a hospital stay, not directly from an application. (Assisted living facilities do the latter, I believe, but dementia units are usually a higher level of care.)

He'll obviously be in another state if you do this. Does CO have any kind of residency requirements for nursing home admission? If he's on medicaid now, or getting close to it, is there a residency requirement for that?

Even if you're determined to care for him yourself, you might need assistance in some form of home nursing help. Will that be available for him where you will be living?

As importantly as physical health, does your dad have a social life in the nursing home right now that he enjoys? From your description of your house, it sounds like there won't be people for him to interact with there. Are you a social person? If so, will you have much of a social life, or at least interaction with someone other than your father?

Just some semi-random questions. Best wishes to both of you in a trying situation.

[GusBob]

14. My father is in the same position

His NH is on lockdown nobody allowed in

I would say leave your dad there. The disruption could be traumatic

[snowybirdie]

15. Think about it

To drive all that way and be in a safe place, you and he will be exposed to many people across many states. If you need a motel, will you find them open? You'll have no control over the health status of people you interact with. Because of these uncertainties, Snowybirdie and hubby are staying put this year. You should reconsider traveling now for yourself and Dad. Good Luck.

[panader0]

16. My older brother is in dementia care in Tucson.

The facility no longer permits visitors. That's a tough situation you have but there may be no way to get him out.

[MineralMan]

17. First, ask yourself if you would be able to provide adequate care

for him. Not everyone can do that.