Please Stop Minimizing the Death of Older Adults
https://whatsyourgrief.com/please-dont-minimize-the-death-of-older-adults/As social distancing sets in, there’s an undercurrent of conversation happening in group chats, direct messages, and on social media. People are wondering whether implemented measures are underreaction, overreaction, or just right. With so much unknown, I’m not sure anyone knows the answer – but there sure are a lot of opinions.
One particular opinion, that I’ve heard several times now, drives me especially crazy. It’s an attempt to downplay the significance of the virus by saying, “…only older people die from it.”
I don’t know why people feel so free to say this, perhaps because I’m in middle age they think I’ll find it reassuring, but I don’t. I love quite a few people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, and it would be devastating to lose any of them. What this statement ultimately implies, whether intended or not, is that we should worry less about the virus because it impacts old and not young.
This stance is not surprising. According to WHO‘s Global Campaign to Combat Ageism, ageism is both socially normalized and not widely countered. So, in other words, we’re so used to the devaluing of older age groups that we hardly see it, let alone cry foul when it happens. These biases extend to how we view the death of older people and the grief of those who love them.
Though the current situation has me unusually heated, the truth is I’ve been meaning to write this post for a long time. The minimization of death and grief related to older people has been commonplace for as long as I know. Just ask anyone who’s received “sympathies” like…
“At least he lived a good long life.”
“Don’t be sad; you had 80 good years with her.”
“It’s the natural order of things.”
“It was her time.”
Statements like these are often a misguided attempt to provide comfort to the person who’s grieving. But in reality, they can be quite minimizing. If you reread them – don’t they all seem like they could be followed with “…and so you shouldn’t be sad.”
When supporting a grieving person, it’s never advisable to try and point out a silver lining. Nor should you ever explain to a grieving person why they should feel any less devastated than they do. Someone they love has just died, and they are entitled to all their pain.
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I don't have to interact with him very much, but the last time, at our granddaughter's college graduation, I shut him down by interrupting one of his little verbal ditties by telling him "That was boring..."
Oh, his reaction was just wonderful to see...
But as I recall, if you're arguing FOR something, then the OPPOSITE has to also be able to be demonstrated: what happens when something is NOT God's will? But since nothing is not God's will... 
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I'm really sorry about your dad.
Youbetcha!
In the beginning the only statistics were out of China and South Korea, and death rates skewed to the elderly and older people. I don't know why, except perhaps as a culture the Asians are more likely to count their older citizens, because they are objects of reverence? In any case, the data we are seeing now (including data from the US and Europe) are showing more frequent deaths among younger victims, and many are under 30.
The first Covid-19 death in our area (Allegheny County/Pittsburgh) happened a week ago and it was a 30-year-old woman. Suddenly the media is figuring out that it's not just old people who die from Covid. This is a game-changer!
... however in China there are (I believe) many smokers among the younger demographic as well.
In general the air quality in many of the densely populated areas of China is bad, and less regulated than in the US. Not that we're so great here, but environmental laws that protect air quality have been enforced here for the last 30+ years. Whereas in China and other parts of Asia they have no such laws or enforcement. It's likely that lifelong smoking, plus the air pollution in some parts of China lead to higher death rates of older folks.
I still think there may have been under-reporting of the younger deaths though. Perhaps younger victims were not tested or diagnosed as Covid deaths. It's just a guess on my part.
I was talking about Patrick's suggestion that grandparents should sacrifice themselves!
Patrick is wrong on so many levels:
1. He implies only old people will die. (Wrong. 50% of deaths are under 70).
2. He implies letting old people die is ok (wrong. It's evil.)
3. He implies if we stop the self-isolation it will save the economy. (Wrong. It won't. The economy will still collapse. But with 2 million extra graves.)
I totally agree with your OP.
Well said, and it needed to be said!
Yeah, I don't think I ever heard 45 mention "senior citizens", probably because he doesn't want to admit that he is one.
it's just as hard to lose them no matter how old they are.
I think a lot of us have been there.
It doesn't look good for any of them. I can't imagine what the families are going through.
