Joel Osteen Tests Negative For Christianity

[underpants]

Satire

https://babylonbee.com/news/joel-osteen-tests-positive-for-heresy

HOUSTON, TX—On a video posted to his Facebook page Thursday, a relieved Joel Osteen announced that he's tested negative for biblically faithful Christianity.

A nervous Osteen had accidentally come into contact with the Bible several days prior and feared he had contracted the gospel.

"I'm relieved to announce that I'm 100% gospel-free," the smiling pastor said. He'd been quarantining himself from friends and family for a few days just in case he was gospel-positive, not wanting the gospel to spread to anyone else. "My hand had briefly brushed against the Bible, as I thought it was one of my books. We've disposed of it, of course, and I've notified all the people I've come into contact with since then so they could quarantine."

Osteen has, however, tested positive for a novel prosperity gospel virus -- a new but still very deadly mutation of an ancient heresy.

[msongs]

1. the camel, eye of the needle, heaven. he ignores that part nt

[Major Nikon]

12. On the contrary

He is releasing people from the burden of their money so they can pass through the needle. The whole idea was always to give it to the church.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

2. The smiling pastor.... yep, that's Osteen, alright.

Love it! 😆.

[CaptYossarian]

3. They misspelled bastard.

Auto-correct?

[BlancheSplanchnik]

4. 😆

[keithbvadu2]

5. The prosperity gospel preachers come out much better than the donors.

The prosperity gospel preachers come out much better than the donors.

Osteen and his ilk are CBR - Cash Based Religion.

Judas was an early modern day conservative disciple.

Judas got 30 pieces of silver, but just once, for selling Christ.

Pat Robertson, Jim Bakker and their ilk get millions of dollars repeatedly for selling Christ.

Judas was a fool for doing a one-time sale.

[spike jones]

9. Judas gets a bum rap.

In the Bible God sent his son to the world to “save” humankind exactly how it happened, therefore Judas was doing god’s will, and at a great personal sacrifice.

[RVN VET71]

10. He allegedly hanged himself

but I always suspected Peter.

[Major Nikon]

11. He may have been framed

Judas was treasurer, so someone wanting to cash out would need to finger Judas to get away clean.

[KY_EnviroGuy]

13. Judas didn't have TV, phone banks and social media.

To my recollection from Sunday school, he didn't have a private jet......

Word does not get around very fast by donkey......

[stopbush]

6. Nah. He's a Christian thru and thru.

[SidDithers]

14. +1...nt

Sid

[MontanaMama]

7. Osteen has shown the world who he is. n/t

[dchill]

8. "...deadly mutation of an ancient heresy."

Pithy.

[packman]

15. Tests negative - aww, shucks

[rmac3075]

16. osteen

I am very suspicious of this guy; Osteen refuses to join the gangster Christians. He doesn’t back Trump or think gays should be killed and the gangsters hate him for it.

[LiberalFighter]

17. That was a close call.

[luvallpeeps]

18. hahahahahahaha

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah Oh Lord, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Have mercy, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Wiping tears, hahahahahahahaha

[trof]

19. Close call.

[PatrickforO]

20. Well said!

Testing negative for Christianity.

[iluvtennis]

21. Wow, that's brutal. I used to love to listen to Joel Osteen, then he showed his true colors.

Stopped listening 3/4 years ago.

[calimary]

22. At first I thought this was Andy Borowitz!

[Gothmog]

23. Osteen is an asshole