On Staying at Home and Working During the Epidemic

[MineralMan]

As some of you know, I'm a freelance writer, and have been since 1974. My wife of 28 years does the same kind of work. Since it's not a high paying career, we have worked from home most of that time. For a few years, we did rent an office suite, but switched back to using our home as an office for our work. If you're not used to that style of working, you could be facing some challenges, both professional and personal. Most couples, for example, are not used to spending all of their time together, seven days a week.

Here are some of the things that have helped my wife and I work together at home with the least amount of difficulty and interpersonal conflict. If the suggestions are helpful for you, I'm glad to have offered them:

1. Take a walk now and then, with your pet or alone. Go outside and breathe some fresh air. Try not to let yourself get attached to the chair at your home office desk. At work in other venues, you get up, move around, talk with others, and do other things to keep from being chair-bound. Find ways to break up your work sessions. It's a great way to reduce stress.

2. Work in separate places if there are two of you. That helps keep you working without distraction. This is crucial. We all have our own work styles and schedules. If you work in the same area of your house, those styles and schedules are likely to cause conflicts and interruptions. Even if space is limited, find ways to create separation between your work areas.

3. Talk to each other off and on during the day about whatever you like. Being solitary all the time isn't a great idea. Even though you work in different places in your home, take coffee breaks and lunch breaks together. Those breaks let you share what you're doing and eases the monotony of working. However, try not to vent about work-related frustrations you're having. Your partner probably can't help you with those and they are likely to cause the other person to worry.

4. Be patient. Each of you has different work styles. Respect each other's methods and habits. This is absolutely crucial. Even if you do the same type of work, hold off on offering suggestions or comments about how the other person works. They're not helpful, usually, and just introduce friction. Respect your co-worker's privacy, too. For example, you're going to find that you often need the bathroom at the same time. It's surprising how often that happens. Don't wait until the last minute. Take my word for that.

5. Share household chores. Don't expect the other person to do everything. My office is in our basement, so I do the laundry in the machines down there, for example. Discuss these mundane tasks with the other person and find a way to split up daily chores in a way that is fair to both people. This can be more difficult than you expect, so listen carefully if the other person feels he or she is doing too much.

6. Try not to interrupt the other person's work. If you're idle for a while, remember that the other person might be very busy. Most people who work at a desk have unique ways to managing workflow. However they do that, though, interruptions can break concentration and cause someone to have to begin something again. Best practice is to use scheduled coffee or other breaks be the time to talk about things.

7. Quit working when it's time to quit working. Pretend you both just got home from work and relax. It can be tempting to let work hours at home expand and spill over into what should be shared time. Try to establish a working hours schedule, although it will have to be somewhat flexible to allow for changes in work demands. It's crucial, though, to wind down from work and move on to other things. Have some relationship maintenance time always scheduled and don't let mobile devices interfere with it. Walk away from your work at the end of your working day.

Finally, if you're not used to being together 24/7, you will discover that there are many challenges to doing so. Some of them will surprise you and can cause unexpected conflicts. Expect this to happen, and plan for it. Use your best interpersonal skills to resolve any conflicts together. You don't get angry with your co-workers outside of your home, because that's not acceptable in the workplace. It's a bad idea for couples working together at home, too. On the upside, you'll learn many new things about each other and have many opportunities to support each other during your workdays together.

[FM123]

1. Fantastic advice, thank you!

[MineralMan]

2. Thanks. My wife and I have decades of experience at it.

Before we got married, we took a trip for a week at a secluded resort near Cancun, Mexico. The reasons for doing that included spending all of our time together for a week. Both of us wanted to test our ability to be together all the time without conflict. It worked great, so we went ahead with our plans.

While we were there, though, we watched a newlywed couple who were on a week-long honeymoon at the same resort. They were not doing well with being together round the clock. By the end of the week, they were sitting an staring at each other, saying nothing and looking miserable.

It's not for everyone, I guess.

[Pacifist Patriot]

5. I've been dreading retirement because of being worried about too much togetherness.

I'm an off-the-chart introvert and my husband is about an extroverted as they come. People drain me and charge him. It's created a few tense moments over the years.

The last couple of weeks have eased my mind about that a lot!

We've naturally fallen into habits that are very much in line with your recommendations.

We're fortunate to have a house that allows both of us, our high school junior, and college freshman to all have different rooms to work in. My husband set up functional work spaces in each of the rooms, and we have designated 7:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Monday - Friday as official work hours to be respected. We break for lunch at 11:45 and all eat in the dining room together. Our FitBits are doing a good job reminding us to take breaks and go get a walk outside once an hour.

Still some hiccups, but overall a fairly pleasant experience so far. Not remotely what I was dreading. And actually getting way more done for my company than I would if I was in the office. When all of this is over, I actually wouldn't mind a M-W-F office / T-Th remote work schedule.

[MineralMan]

10. Sounds like you're making a good start.

[Pacifist Patriot]

3. That is phenomenal advice!

Edited to change the modifier.

[MineralMan]

4. We learned by doing.

After 28 years, we have it all down pat. Mostly. There are still conflicts caused by being together all the time, but we deal with them one at a time.

[Pacifist Patriot]

6. The worst part for me...

is that my room is where the cat likes to hang out the most. I can't close the door completely or he'll yowl and scratch at it. In. Out. In. Out. Anything to make the human have to get up when she's in the middle of doing something.

[MineralMan]

11. My wife put one of those cat tower scratching post things

by her desk. Kitty now spends most of its time on the top perch where it can see her, and can look out the window to watch the birds and squirrels. The other cat sometimes jumps up on my desk, but has learned to stay away from my hands and keyboard, after finding itself on the floor after trying that a few times. We have a peaceful relationship now. Her spot is on top of my printer/scanner, which gets very little use these days.

[TheBlackAdder]

7. Also, for those transitioning from an office environment, a funk every now and then is normal.

.

You will find yourself slipping into a funk every now and then. There will be periods of extremely high productivity, since you are not distracted by office business and chatter, followed by periods where you feel lazy or unproductive. This is normal. Even if you are able to pace yourself properly, you will feel times when you aren't doing 'enough.' In the office, this is generally when you chat with others or take a cooler break. The same thing applies at home, so this is a normal response.

Working at home is extremely productive, once embraced. The lack of distractions allow you to enter a zone where you can fully focus on a task. The problem is, that at times you hyper-concentrate and need to detach. MM's Rule #1 is key.

I often find myself violating Rule #7, even working 6-7 days a week at times. You need to get away, even if you are trapped locally, to reset your mind, as productivity decreases if you work too many consecutive days.

I have my office area and my daughter is WFH in the kitchen, and the rules above definitely apply to my current environment.


(That list is really nice, especially for working couples.)

.

[MineralMan]

12. Thanks. Yes, learning to deal with boredom or a funk is

all part of it. I'm long past that stage at this point.

[PJMcK]

8. Great advice and observations

I've been an independent businessman for most of the past 35 years and at times I worked from home. All of your points represent things I, too, learned from experience.

My wife and I have retreated to our country house for the time being. She's a dance and Pilates instructor and all of her schools have closed down. One institution has begun online classes and she's been teaching using the Zoom teleconferencing application. We've turned the living room into her T V studio/classroom and she's leading a couple of classes a day. This keeps her focused and creates a structure for her days.

My work is almost all online these days so I've been able to keep working. There's a small cabin on our property that I converted into a music studio so my commute is only 30 seconds! One advantage of this set-up is that we separate for several hours each day then meet up for meals, putting our work aside, as you suggest. This makes our meals special parts of the day and we look forward to being with one another. Our evenings are filled with board games or movies and since she had never seen the Harry Potter films, we're now halfway through the series.

We've also followed another bit of your observations by taking a 2-mile health walk every afternoon. It gets us out of the house and since we're in a very rural area, we generally don't run into anyone. It's really pretty in the Catskills and one side benefit of this crisis is that we'll get to watch Spring come to the mountains.

Had we stayed in our apartment in NYC, we'd be going stir-crazy by now and probably be digging out our prenuptial agreement!

Thanks for taking the time to share your ideas, MineralMan.

[MineralMan]

13. Sounds like you've worked out a great solution.

[Lulu KC]

9. All good advice

And if you have to work with your computer connected to the internet and can't stay away from the news or other distractions, the selfcontrol app works great on Apple. I'm sure there's a Windows equivalent.

I used to wish I could just disconnect and stay in Word to work, but those days are gone.

[MineralMan]

14. I hear you about the Internet being distracting.

These days, I only work part-time, so it's less of a problem. I used to deal with it by having my writing computer as a separate PC with no internet connection. I had a second PC on a different desk for internet stuff. That helped by keeping me from just clicking away from Word when I was bored or stuck on something.

Now, though, most of my work is writing content for small business websites, so I have to move back and forth between Word an online frequently. So, the distraction is always available. However, I'm a fairly intense writer, so I can focus hard on my writing work for long periods of time without being distracted.

[hunter]

15. My children and their spouses have been thrown into this situation.

Their offices have been closed but they consider themselves very fortunate that they still have jobs and can work at home.

Quite a few of their cousins, aunts, and uncles have not been so lucky. They are out of work for now.

One of our kids had a very urban lifestyle -- frequently eating out, going to the gym, meetings in coffee places, movies and theater, socializing with visitors from out of town, etc. -- so being home bound is very difficult for them. They say they are learning to how to cook.

My wife is a health care provider. Her clinic has started doing morning report on the computer as a conference call instead of the usual crowded conference room, but otherwise she has to see and touch her patients, some of whom may be infected with this virus. All non-essential medical appointments have been canceled, and staff over sixty have been sent home for now.

My wife and I are self-quarantined as best as we are able because with this unpredictable virus, and especially with our usual spring allergies, it's always possible we have been infected and don't know it.

We don't want to pass this virus on to anyone, most especially parents and older relatives who we'd normally see at Easter.

This is very stressful.

Your tips will be helpful to people who suddenly find themselves in this situation.

[MineralMan]

17. There are so many stories, and so many different situations.

The stress of making major work changes are complicated by fears about this virus. Anything I can do to help, I'm glad to do. For my wife and me, nothing much has changed in our daily activities. We know that much has changed for others, including friends we know. We're hearing from them about their problems making the changes.

Good luck to you and yours.

[mcar]

16. I've worked from home since 2002

Also a freelance writer. I raised our 2 kids while working - even home schooled one for a few years .

Also had SO home during school breaks and summers.

All of your tips are well said, especially about taking breaks, respecting each other's work styles and ending the work day.

Now, SO is home, teaching remotely. Probably for the rest of the school year. I'm glad we had the years before to get us ready for this. I don't work as many hours as he does, but I no longer feel guilty about taking time to myself when I need it.

Our 2 sons and their SOs are all now working from home (one pair in Atlanta, the other in DC), as our several nieces and nephews. I spent most of my career advocating for reasonable WFH opportunities and now, here they are, easy peasy.

[MineralMan]

18. Thanks very much for your reply.

[McKim]

19. What Works for Us

We have found some good ways to live closely together. We have been retired for some years but 24/7 is a challenge. Here’s what works for us:

Have a morning meeting and decide about projects to be done. Let each other know about work schedules. Decide who to contact, cheer or do for to keep up contacts and especially help our single friends out there who are alone. We order gifts on line for our daughter and her family. We wrap things or articles for mailing. We gather donations for staff at our local hospital.

Then we have work time. My husband is president of a national human rights organization and I am fixing up the house room by room, painting, cleaning, polishing, gleaning and calling friends. Next we have lunch together. Then more work time.

Late afternoon is a separate walk outdoors and a little yard work. Then we have dinner. I make sure that we eat delicious food, candle, flowers and we dress for dinner. Sometimes we dine with friends on FaceTime. 7:00 PM our neighborhood goes outside to sing a song that has been sent earlier in the day and we bang pots and say hello and scream to support health workers. Keeping busy and helping others, keeps us from worrying about out MD daughter who works with COVID19 patients in another city.

I am grateful every day just to wake up and be alive and have my precious 82 year old husband with me!

[MineralMan]

20. It's good to hear that you two have found ways that work.

There are many different arrangements people have, but the one thing all the successful arrangements have in common is that both people agree to them, I think.

Thanks for your reply.

[SWBTATTReg]

21. Great advice. I find it funny that you will find some couples that haven't still seen the 'light'..

After the two of us passed 34 years in our relationship, and still going strong, things settle down, we get into a mode of mutual respect, doing things together or separately (happy either way) and generally have an iron bound relationship that one gets only after so many years together. Rarely have any conflicts, and besides, they aren't really worth the conflict (that is, is it really a conflict?). It's amazing how things go smoothly and things flow together as if natural.

I wish the same for others, in their new relationships. We both smile and laugh quietly to ourselves when we meet someone that is proud of their budding relationship (they are just starting out, and they should be proud). I think it takes a special kind of moxie to be able to handle that special someone in your life, and it is worth every bit of effort one puts into it. The rewards are indeed worth it.

Take care the two of you, MM (and wife). Be safe.