As Your Governor, I Can Assure You the Coming Human Sacrifice Is Worth It

[ehrnst]

(Satire)



“Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp announced on Monday that gyms, hair salons, nail salons, barbershops, and bowling alleys will be allowed to reopen in the state on Friday — even as the number of cases of coronavirus in the state continues to rise.” — The Daily Beast, 4/20/20

As governor of your great state, it’s my responsibility to figure out what can hurt us, when it will happen, and what I can do with the powers vested in me to immediately provide the most aid to those in need. As I’m sure you are all aware, we’re currently dealing with what’s being called a “pandemic” nationwide. While I’ve yet to ask anyone exactly what that word means, I want you to know, directly from me, that we’re all going to be fine.

Virus or no virus, I just want to remind you that while my commitment to your health and safety remains paramount, I’m not going to stop opening up our economy just because a few of you suckers are going to die.

Look, I’m just a simple, God-fearing American trying to do the best for my state, and the fact of the matter is that I just know my constituents much better than the biased, liberal media that’s trying to paint me as incompetent does. I’m not a scientist — who among us is? Heck, I haven’t even googled any of this. So even though they can take my words out of context and pretend like I don’t know even the basics of how this world-altering plague is ravaging the country and killing so many, one thing they’ll never be able to twist is my urgent belief that the state should open up as soon as humanly possible, at whatever human cost. I was elected on the promise that I would bring economic prosperity to this state, and if it means killing one, five, or ten thousand of you — you better believe I’m up to the task.

It is my solemn promise that even though we have lost a great number of hardworking Americans to this vicious supervirus for which there is no vaccine or effective treatment, I will not blink an eye if our state loses even one person who would not vote for me.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/as-your-governor-i-can-assure-you-the-coming-human-sacrifice-is-worth-it

[The Magistrate]

1. Cold But Fair, Sir

Moloch is open for business in Georgia....

[essaynnc]

2. tell you what...

Let's use Georgia as the guinea pig. Anybody who has any questions, wait 2 weeks and let's see what's happens. If infections in Georgia drop let's do it everywhere. If they go up I'll tell all my disbelieving acquaintances:: shut up!

[empedocles]

3. The month of May . . . will tell.

[jimfields33]

4. Deaths should be the deciding factors.

Too many variables in a positive. You could be positive and have zero symptoms. You could be positive and have a mild case or have a positive and be in hospital but recover or finally some who are positive will die.

[essaynnc]

5. definitely deaths....

As morbid as it seems, as long as they're properly attributed.

[Victor_c3]

6. Yup, sadly the state of Georgia will an example of what not to do

I don’t even think they’re going to see economy improve. Just a lot more people are going to get infected and die. That’s it, that’s all that they’re going to get for the sacrifice- more death.

[jimfields33]

8. They have a hell of a way to beat New York

They have 1133 deaths currently. Other states wish.

[Victor_c3]

9. They have a nice urban area with Atlanta

That’s gotta be a great spot for mayhem to spread- unfortunately.

[jimfields33]

10. Atlanta said they are staying closed

Hope that will help some.

[2naSalit]

7. Okay, you go first. ...nt