COVID-19 update on my 95-year-old parents.

[MineralMan]

My mother, whose dementia is quite advanced, is now being cared for at home, with home health aides who are live-in on their three-day shifts. My father, however, who does not have dementia, is at his wit's end. Mom is getting more and more uncooperative with her care. Her aides are working out well and have learned how to manage her behavior.

My father, though, said that he's thinking about returning her to a long-term care facility. I explained, as tactfully as I could, that it would be unsafe at this time to do that, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I pointed out all of the cases being reported from nursing homes and similar facilities.

He seemed to get my point, but is still struggling with this new phase of my mother's deterioration. He knows she will continue to get worse, and that is a cause of anxiety and distress for him. I advised him to shift more of the responsibility to the paid caregivers and spend more time away from his wife of 76 years. I think he gets it, but it's a daily challenge.

We continue to talk on the phone daily. Our calls these days, though, are more supportive of him than reports on Mom's condition. I would love to go out there for a few days, but the risks are just too high, both for me and for them, given the current situation.

This is no fun at all!

[hlthe2b]

1. I'm sorry. THat is so very difficult.

That said, could your father live with a decision he had made to return her to the nursing home if she should contract COVID-19 and perhaps die from it? It is hard to think in these terms, but regret is a horrible emotion.

I'm glad he has the home health care support that gives him options. Would he consider joining a support group for Alzheimer's "survivors?" I'm sure they are meeting virtually and the web page for county or city mental health resources should include contacts for these kinds of groups.

[MineralMan]

3. No. I don't think he could, which is why I brought the real risks of it up to him.

As for support groups, that's not going to happen. My dad, despite not having dementia, is frail and can't get around well at all. He can't use a computer, either. He barely can use a cell phone. It's just too foreign to him. At home, he is using his landline phone. My Mom is no longer capable of talking on the telephone, so I don't get to speak to her.

Being 95 years old is very, very difficult. I'm sure my father is still alive only because my mother is still alive. His concern for her well-being is frustrated by his inability to do anything to help her. Fortunately, he likes the three aides who rotate shifts. All three are Filipino women and very, very patient and helpful. Really, they have two patients to care for.

That type of home care is very costly. Fortunately, my parents have the financial resources to handle it, although if they live more than a couple of more years, they will have to sell their citrus and avocado farm and move into other housing.

The agency that supplies their caregivers contacts me from time to time and we work through whatever issues come up. My parents' doctor drops by once a week to check on them, and lets me know if there's anything new I need to know about.

The situation is difficult, to put it simply. I cannot move back there for financial reasons and now, because of the pandemic, I can't even travel out there on a temporary basis. It's just too risky all around.

[malaise]

2. Tell dad to play some of her favorite songs

from another room

[MineralMan]

5. Good idea. I don't think they have any equipment

in the house to do that. Technologically, they are living in the 1980s. I'll think about that, though. Maybe I can send them something that would make that possible and be simple enough for my father to manage.

[mzmolly]

4. I'm so sorry. The pandemic

must be making an already difficult time much more so.

It's so hard to witness the impact of dementia and to try and care for anyone who is deteriorating. I think your suggestions are good ones.

Best to you and your family as you navigate this.

[MineralMan]

6. Thanks!

[Doodley]

7. If they have the resources to pay for more caregiving and the carers are good, then that is the

best situation. In my experience, it is hard to find good-quality caregivers when the level of care and responsiveness increases. Surely, it is better that they can be together and your mother is protected. Do the caregivers wear PPE and do you liaise with them?

[MineralMan]

9. Yes, I communicate with the caregivers directly and through

the agency they work for. The three who rotate work only at my parents home. So, the risk is relatively low. However, it is not zero. They do wear PPEs during actual care procedures, but not all the time.

Right now, I'm just working on helping my father adapt to the changing situation. When I explained that he wouldn't be able to visit her at all if she returned to a congregate-living facility, that pretty much made up his mind to continuing the current care arrangement. Now, I'm working on finding ways to help him cope with the situation and keep him from becoming depressed.

It's Hell getting that old.

[SWBTATTReg]

8. There is not much one can say, being that this is a difficult and horrible situation for all...

families in similar situations. My Mom and Dad are gone now, and for the most part, were 'mentally there' although there were some challenging times. Personally, I think, taking care of aging parents is one of the hardest things life can throw at families. Perhaps it brings closure in ways that one doesn't think about, until it's all over and done with.

I know that you and your family are doing the utmost best that you can, in a difficult and emotional situation (even more so with the CV around), and to me, that spells 'WINNER' and 'HEROES' in my book.

Be well and safe.

[MineralMan]

10. Thanks. We'll muddle through things, I suppose.

[kairos12]

11. A unimaginable difficult position for your family.

Peace and strength to you and your loved ones.

[Raven]

12. I don't know how to say this in a delicate way so I'm just going to say it:

I am thankful that my parents passed away at 88 and 90 in 2000 and 2005 respectively. They were at home with live-in care also.My mother had very early dementia that was very manageable and my father was as sharp as a tack. My brother and I were able to be with both of them in the hospital when they died, which is a gift that people can't have today.

I don't know how I would be able to handle caring for them today under the circumstances we all face with this virus and I admire your fortitude and patience. Wishing you all the strength you need going forward.

[cilla4progress]

13. My husband is getting ready to go visit

his 92 year old mother who lives independently in her own home (with assistance) in a rural county on the other side of Seattle from us for Mother's Day weekend. We missed her March birthday; we didn't get to "cover for" his sister - mom's primary caregiver - who had to cancel her 50th anniversary trip to Hawaii in April.

I suggested it. I'm nervous, but we've all been diligent in complying with the strictest of advisories. We checked with husband's brother who is a research pathologist at NIH, who cleared the visit. I suppose techically it violates my state's stay at home orders? Not the kind of thing I expect would be enforced.

I don't know if it's a good idea or irresponsible, but it became overwhelmingly painful to keep her from seeing her favorite baby boy!

[MineralMan]

15. If I was in California, I'd drive to see them, too.

I'm in Minnesota, so it's way more involved. I hope your husband finds his mother well. It will be OK. I'm sure he'll take all necessary precautions.

[cilla4progress]

18. Thanks, MM.

Hang tough.

[Hekate]

14. I'm so very sorry, MM. This is the hardest thing ever, and you are doing the best anyone can.

[Victor_c3]

16. Probably not a good solution, but could your father stay with you for a bit?

Maybe after a few days he’ll miss his home and look at things differently.

Might be a dangerous idea though, he might like living with you better.

It’s gotta be a tough struggle for your entire family.

[MineralMan]

17. Well, I'm in Minnesota and he's in California, so

probably not. He wouldn't do it anyhow. He's determined to "take care" of my mother. Bless him.

[dixiegrrrrl]

19. there is also the importance of him being able to live in his own home

in familiar surroundings, where he can have a sense of control in some areas.
Not at all a small thing.

I hope this will be resolved in the very best way for all of you.

[tblue37]

20. 76 years! Your poor dad must be suffering not just from the stress of her behavior, but

also from unimaginable grief over the loss of her companionship.

[Maru Kitteh]

21. Is your mom on palliative, comfort or hospice care? If not can you talk him into getting her

evaluated?

Those kinds of care are NOT giving up - they simply provide you with more tools in the toolbox to make your mom more comfortable. Also, some exacerbations of behavior can come from things like skin irritations, hunger, too much stimulation, too little stimulation, being cold/hot, dehydrated, etc. A BIG one is UTIs. (Urinary tract infections).

Here is a nice set of webinars.

https://www.caregiver.org/fca-webinars I ran across. Yo might want to have a look at some here or elsewhere and try to get your Dad to watch some online resources too.

[Marrah_Goodman]

22. My aunt has Alzheimers

She lives with my other elderly aunt but up until this pandemic she would go to a specialized adult day care 5 days a week. Now she is home, not doing much more then watching tv and nodding off on the couch. Caring for her 24/7 is taking it's toll on the other aunt who does not deal with stress even a little bit well. I can't wait for this to end so she can go back to the daycare that she loves and keeps her mind busy.