"Trump Blames Nation's Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of America's Race-Muddled"

[krispos42]

Trump Blames Nation’s Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of America’s Race-Muddled Gene Pool

Today 11:11AM•SEE MORE: Vol 56 Issue 19

WASHINGTON—In an effort to explain the rising U.S. death toll, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he blamed the nation’s susceptibility to coronavirus on the weakness of America’s race-muddled gene pool. “It’s sad to say, but decades of rampant miscegenation have watered down our superior genetics to the point that we’re completely defenseless against our invisible enemy,” said Trump, arguing that widespread intermingling had made the U.S.’s Covid-19 response more challenging compared to countries with less-tainted bloodlines such as Australia and Iceland. “We’ve done a very good job, but unfortunately, there’s only so much we can do when so many are tainted by DNA from the mongrel races. Folks, I’ve been saying it for years: The moment we got rid of the one-drop rule, we signed our own death warrants.” Trump went on to call for all full-blooded Aryans to donate plasma in an effort to help return America to its racially pure heyday.

https://www.theonion.com/trump-blames-nation-s-susceptibility-to-coronavirus-out-1843392614

This is satire from The Onion. At least, as of me writing this... it could change into an accurate prediction at pretty much any moment.

Remember:

Man Just Buying One Of Every Cleaning Product In Case Trump Announces It’s Coronavirus Cure

3/25/20 2:18PM

EVANSTON, WY—Throwing bottles of bleach, ammonia, and Drano into a cart at his local grocery store, area man Troy Mitchell was reportedly stocking up on one of every cleaning product he could find Wednesday in case President Donald Trump announces it is a coronavirus cure. “I got toilet bowl cleaner, carpet cleaner, Swiffer WetJet refills—you name it—just so me and my family will be ready if the president announces one of these things can treat Chinese virus,” said Mitchell, indiscriminately throwing containers of laundry detergent, Scrubbing Bubbles, grout whitener, steel wool, Febreze, Tilex mold and mildew remover, and laptop screen wipes into the cart, the contents of which rang up to $2,513.67 at checkout. “I’m not getting caught without some oven degreaser should Trump say it’s going to save us, so I better go ahead and grab me a bottle. After this, I’m hitting the hardware store to pick up a 5-gallon bucket of roof sealant to make sure I’m prepared in the event that turns out to be what gets rid of the Wuhan. Could just be 10 or 20 squirts of Windex into each nostril. You never know what might work in a pinch!” At press time, neighbors confirmed Mitchell had been found unresponsive on the floor of his bathroom with several empty aerosol cans of Rust-Oleum wax-and-tar-removing solvent by his head.

https://local.theonion.com/man-just-buying-one-of-every-cleaning-product-in-case-t-1842493766

[Girard442]

2. Starting in 2016, The Onion dropped the satire articles and switched over to a straight news format.

Nobody noticed.

[JHB]

3. I want the days where we could tell it was satire just from the subject line back

[DBoon]

4. For a moment I thought Steve Bannon was backnt

[stillcool]

5. ouch...That one left a mark.