Onion: Trump Orders CDC To Research His Investment Portfolio For Potential Coronavirus Cures

[ehrnst]

WASHINGTON—On the heels of touting the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine for treating Covid-19, President Donald Trump issued orders to the CDC Wednesday, urging the agency to conduct extensive research into his investment portfolio to find more potential cures for the novel coronavirus. “Look, there’s all sorts of stuff in here that could help with the disease as far we know, so let’s start giving people some luxury spa treatments and see what happens,” said Trump, demanding that the country’s leading public health institute conduct clinical studies to see if an hour or two a day on a Floridian golf course could significantly reduce the need for a respirator. “Even just a couple of studies showing that Pepsi or Microsoft products can help neutralize the spread of the virus would be really amazing. Remember, people are dying, so we need everyone working around the clock to make sure that none of my financial interests are overlooked.” Trump added that in order to expedite the process, all further study would occur at the CDC’s new state-of-the-art facilities at the Trump International Hotel.

https://www.theonion.com/trump-orders-cdc-to-research-his-investment-portfolio-f-1843570185

[The Magistrate]

1. Best Damn Journalism In the Country, Sir

[renate]

2. Now that it's in The Onion, it's only a matter of time