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I declare myself the winner.
You all don't have to suffer anymore. Let me tell you: I have won the Presidency. That's right. I feel it in my gut. It seems right. I am your new President.
For my first official act (after declaring myself the winner,) I will send you all the stimulus check that I know you need. I will prevent your landlords from kicking you out on the street. I can't have you wandering around lest you wander over my way. Of course, I won't be real quick to take down my new fence, of which I am growing fond.
See, it doesn't have to hurt! How easy that was! I promise to be nice, no stupid tweets, and I will improve the WH decor!