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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsSpread My Ashes at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, Dammit! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Forgive me if Im a little off my game tonight, friends; I just feel a bit...I dunno, its hard to describe. Its a vaguely familiar sensation, but I cant quite place it. It isnt dread, or disgust, or outrage, or any of the negative emotions one simply accepts as part of the burden of being alive in 2020, just this odd, tickling feeling. Havent been able to shake it since, oh, since about midday Saturd-OH HOLY CRAP, ITS HOPE!
(As ever, get this post WITH nifty links, here: http://showercapblog.com/spread-my-ashes-at-four-seasons-total-landscaping-dammit/)
Because after an interminable, malingering cliffhanger that seemed to warp the very laws of time, the election was finally, FINALLY called for Biden, and advertising slots on cable news networks receded to saner levels.
Obviously, we cant completely rule out the Surprise Desperate Coup Attempt until Joe n Kamala are safely sworn in, but aside from a few fanatic dead-enders, and Don Jr., wholl surely never be able to pay off his coke dealer without access to the U.S. Treasury, institutional Republicans seem content to distract the Deposed Dotard with doomed lawsuits and just enough public support to avoid the dreaded Mean Tweet, the mere threat of which reduces allegedly-powerful Republicans to quivering piles of treacherous gelatin.
Because a truly terrifying chunk of the GOP is so thoroughly brainwashed that they genuinely believe their beloved Hemorrhoid Emperor is being unjustly overthrown via a fraudulent election. And even now, with historys eyes wide open, Mitch McConnell and his craven crew cannot muster enough love of country to even lightly douse the flames of fascism raging through their base; no, if it means clinging to power for another term or so, destroying the nations faith in democracy itself is a price theyre only too willing to (make the rest of us) pay.
So yes, Chief-Thuglomat-for-Now Mike Pompeo enjoyed his little joke about the transition, but we all know he practices his wee wannabe Hitler speeches in the mirror every morning while he ties his tie. Hell network his way around the country now, to see how many donors he can get to bite on his Trump Without the Baggage hook. He wont be alone.
Of course, within Shartopia, its not all sparkle-eyed dreams of the Reich to Come: Corey Lewandowski has been hospitalized with vertigo after hours spent repeatedly checking to see whether his refrigerator was indeed running, as the Treasonweasel campaigns pathetic voter fraud hotline experienced precisely the fate literally any thinking being could have foreseen.
Even as their legal strategy to cling to power struggled to attain the level of farce (dont worry, Im getting there), the Turd Family Robinshart effortlessly evolved their grift with a degree of speed and skill one wishes they had thought to apply to the MOTHERFUCKING PANDEMIC, swiftly passing the hat around for donations to fuel their futile legal flailing, ASTERISK sixty cents out of every dollar go towards retiring the campaigns debt, THANKS RUBES.
Im starting to believe the Children of the Candy Corn understand Gameshow Göring is simply stealing from them, and that theyre perfectly happy to have their pockets picked, in the same way a gambler doesnt truly mind losing another weeks paycheck; he bought one more night at the casino, which was all he really wanted, deep down.
Mendaciously claiming credit for the welcome news that Pfizer had achieved a major breakthrough in their development of a coronavirus vaccine mustve sent nostalgic smiles circulating through the West Wings defiled halls; why, it seems like only yesterday they were merrily bumming a ride on the Obama economy, grateful the purloined proximity to prosperity still shielded them from the consequences of their international trade blunders.
Personally, I dont think introducing new villains is necessary, or even appropriate at this point in the story, but nevertheless, here is Emily W. Murphy with yet another fresh turd for the punch bowl. Emily is the proverbial one-job haver in the popular YOU HAD ONE JOB meme, and that job is to sign the letter allowing the Biden transition team to begin the work of cleaning out the Augean stables. Like the giddy little fascist bureaucrat the holder of this office under Trump was always going to be, Emily is refusing to sign the letter, so now everybody has to just stand around, in a room overflowing with shit, wasting time.
Now yes, this is exactly the sort of childishness weve come to expect from the Manchurian Manchild and his team, but there are real national security risks here, so maybe well get lucky, and this leveled-up Kim Davis will stumble accross some sort of magic potion that helps her get the fuck over herself.
The petulant Pentagon purge is underway, with Defense Secretary Mark Esper defenestrated alongside several other officials and replaced by, I assume, Devin Nunes butt acne at this point. I figure theyre most likely done tear-gassing Americans in front of churches by now, though I suppose we cant rule out a Well, I just nuked London, have fun! note awaiting Smilin Joe in the Oval.
But seriously, Im seeing that we neednt fear a military coup here, its likely just a bit of frenzied document shredding to make things harder for the investigations to come, though I believe it is sub-optimal, health-of-democracy-wise, that I do indeed draw comfort from this distinction.
I hope Joe has the White House boiled before moving in, however, because damned if that butthole frat house didnt manage to sneak in one last coronavirus outbreak, apparently at their own election night party, just for extra comeuppance, this time snagging Mark Meadows, David Bossie, and Dr. Ben Carson. Truly, the best people.
Budding mini-Trumps Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue launched their Senate runoff campaigns by reminding the electorate of their manifest unfitness for office, demanding the firing of Georgias Secretary of State for the nigh-unforgivable crime of counting the peoples votes fairly, and if youre having trouble reconciling this with the GOPs catchy new count every legal vote slogan, may I suggest you pick up your official Shower Cap Secret Decoder Ring? The one thats just a cheap piece of plastic that says REPUBLICANS LIE? See, you get it now.
And now I see William Barr is leaving the door open for one last stab at redacting American democracy once and for all, legitimizing Tangerine Idi Amins latest autocrat shitfit with an official Justice Department investigation. Yknow how when Dorothy gets to the Scarecrow and shes all weepy because shell miss him most of all? Its like the precise mathematical opposite of that with you, Bill.
But enough crap, lets move on to the good stuff, shall we?
As expected, the weekend saw the launch of the heavily-anticipated Fall of an Idiot Death Cult postmortem genre, which I intend to gorge myself upon in Roman fashion. Its going to be a circular firing squad inside the hazardous waste bin behind an oncology clinic.
Im optimistic that watching the rats rip each other to shreds, even as the lice and maggots that live on the rats in turn rip themselves to shreds, will provide sufficient entertainment to carry me through this long winter of quarantine. Still, with stories like Kimberly Guilfoyle Offers Worlds Most Terrifying Lap Dance in Exchange For Donor Buxx already dropping, I worry we mayve peaked early.
I confess, I did not expect Rudy Giuliani, of all available dirtbags, to ride to Americas rescue in her hour of need, but while the tiny-fisted tyrant at the other end of his leash trembled in a piss-soaked corner of his bunker, Rudy, as though possessed by the very God of Catharsis, set forth to deliver unto a weary nation the eviscerating public degradation of Trumpism we deserved, dammit.
And so, next to a roadside crematorium and the saddest sex shop this side of a Todd Solondz film, in the company of a known sex criminal, Amerikkkas Mayor forever transformed the parking lot behind Four Seasons Total Landscaping* into Mecca For People Who Like Watching Fascist Assholes Humiliate Themselves.
I like to think the inevitable Hollywood prestige pic based on these batguano-crusted days will end at this point precisely. Giulianis punctured ramblings about courts and networks fading out as the credits roll, pausing periodically to note the no-doubt-disappointing eventual prison sentences of the chief collaborators.
In conclusion, Id just like to say GEORGIA GEORGIA GEORGIA GEORGIA GEORGIA, because thats where your head should be until January 5th.
*In the interest of honest chroniclin, it must be said that yes, in this most desperate hour, the President of the United States of America had selected as his lead attorney a man who was incapable of distinguishing a small landscaping company from a luxury hotel. They were stupid, stupid men, and times, as I have often expressed along this journey, were cray.
underpants
(182,273 posts)Reading now
flying rabbit
(4,612 posts)"Im starting to believe the Children of the Candy Corn understand Gameshow Göring is simply stealing from them, and that theyre perfectly happy to have their pockets picked, in the same way a gambler doesnt truly mind losing another weeks paycheck; he bought one more night at the casino, which was all he really wanted, deep down. "
You deserve some time to relax, but unfortunately the incompressable jizztrumpet (thank you Scotland) has other ideas.
Demovictory9
(32,320 posts)Hugin
(32,778 posts)GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY!
Here we are a week into this thing and the BSV has been in operation for FIVE FULL DAYS beyond it's design parameters! I was sure by now I would have put the custom black velvet dust cover over the do-dad and wheeled it out to the storage shed next to my Solar Powered Death Ray.
Boy, those assholes really know how to fuck up the SpaceTime Probability Continuum with dumbass stunts like they pulled over at the Four Seasons Total Lawnscaping facility. The biblical scale shockwaves of pure uncut moronolium that event sent screaming through the matrix almost tore the BSV off of it's reinforced concrete foundations. Not expecting any trouble, I was caught off guard while reading the latest Cosmo when they hit. A four pound chunk of the Virtual Baloney Moderation & Synchronization Unit came mere inches from my head. (Note-to-self: Resume wearing helmet and eye protection at all times.) After an hour of alternately spraying the gizmo with a CO2 fire extinguisher to cool it down and beating it with an aluminum baseball bat to try and reharmonize it to it's preset get-me-the-hell-out-of-here, I tried kicking it in the crotch a couple of times. That calmed it down somewhat. There are still some troubling vibrations the machine is exhibiting. I'm worried it may not deliver us to precisely the center of Bidenolian Space and instead we will end up in some unknown harmonic of the targeted coordinates. I will see if I can refocus the fields. I'm terribly sorry about this development, folks. Such is applied science. The only okay thing about this is, we won't be in Trumpanzeegon Space any longer.
Yes, it's been a mite bumpier than an optimum dimensional shift should be.
I'll update you as necessary.
Take care, Shower Cap. Thanks again... On to GEORGIA! (The State and not the Country.)
ismnotwasm
(41,919 posts)littlemissmartypants
(22,418 posts)Lugnut
(9,791 posts)denbot
(9,894 posts)K&R
murielm99
(30,656 posts)Blue Owl
(49,913 posts)Mersky
(4,969 posts)rudys lol presser really was a gift as though he was possessed by the very God of Catharsis... 😂
Really fine work from you per usual, TheFerret. Glad youre in here chronicling all that be cray.