I Had to Explain to My 96-Year-Old Father Yesterday

[MineralMan]

why I wouldn't be flying out to California this week. My mother, who is the same age, has severe dementia, and doesn't recognize my father any longer. She probably will not live much longer. My father is heartbroken, of course, and was hoping I could fly out there right away. I so wish I could, but I cannot.

He finally understood when I explained that flying out there in the midst of the worst period in the COVID-19 pandemic would mean exposing myself to the virus at the airport, in the plane, at another airport, at the car rental facility, in the car I rented, which might or might not be fully sanitized. I said, besides that, I have no idea whether I might already have the virus but without symptoms yet.

So, I told him, if I fly out there, I could easily catch the virus in any of those places and bring it to your house and pass it along to my mother and father. Or, I could catch it on the return trip and bring it home to my wife. I explained that it hurt very much not to come and see my mother for maybe the last time, but I could do nothing to help the situation while I was there, and might give them the virus or bring it home with me to infect my own wife. I told him that I loved them and my wife too much to possibly give them a deadly disease or to give that disease to my wife. I explained that it is just too dangerous for everyone involved.

He got it, finally. He would make the same decision, he said, and he told me he understood, and agreed with my decision. I told him that I would be out there as soon as I got both doses of the vaccine. Since I'm 75 years old and live in a major metro area, I should be among the second group to receive the vaccine, and I will be in line for it as soon as I possibly can. I hope my mother is still around. If I went now, she might not have a chance to be.

Now that I'm seeing photos of crowded airports in Chicago and Phoenix, I feel even more certain that it would be unsafe for me to travel at this time. I hate that. I also know that I am not alone in having to make very, very difficult decisions right now. That helps a little, but doesn't get rid of the pain.

COVID Sucks!

[CatMor]

1. You certainly made the right decision for everyone involved.

[SheltieLover]

67. For sure!

So sad, but necessary due to tRump virus.

[LizBeth]

2. COVID Sucks! Families across the nation and the world having same conversation.

I had the same with my son who lives in Minneapolis and I live west coast. He really needs a break from his situation and I told him, only dire mental health makes the risk worth taking. He is not there yet.

[exboyfil]

3. I told my mom that I was driving down to Florida for Christmas

from Iowa (the last time I saw her was last Christmas - since then we have cancelled two trips).

I don't think it is going to happen again either. I don't see anything getter better by then. My mom has COPD so Covid would be a death sentence.

Sorry you can't be with your parents.

[LizBeth]

5. We are the same. My boys don't want to kill me, lol. One last Christmas, but the other was two

summers ago and a visit is really wanted. We will get there.

[Liberty Belle]

4. You made the right choice.

Your mother probably wouldn't remember if you were there or not. There is a good chance your father will still be around next year after you are all vaccinated.

Your wife will stay safe, and she hopefully still has many years ahead of her.

You might brighten their day by arranging a delivery of something special that they would enjoy.

[MineralMan]

9. No, she wouldn't remember that I was there.

Not for five minutes, and she wouldn't recognize me. She didn't the last time I was there, in February. It sucks.

[Chalco]

6. We just cancelled Christmas with our daughter in California

This will be the first time we haven't spent Christmas together.
Very depressing. We have so many traditions and fun things we
like to do. She turns 28 just before Christmas so we'll miss her
birthday for the first time as well. I'm in mourning.

[MoonchildCA]

87. Same. We are in California, and my daughter who turns 31 a week before Christmas is in NC.

We usually fly her home every Christmas. It’s our favorite time. I still put presents under the tree from Santa and stuff her stocking. I know, it sounds silly, but she’s an only child, and it’s fun to spoil her once a year.

This year, I have to mail Christmas to her.

[young_at_heart]

7. If America had a competent leader things might be different

If Trump had begun a national program to curb the spread at the beginning something tells me you might have not had to make this heartbreaking decision. How many lives has his incompetence touched? How many people live with constant anxiety because of his lack of leadership?

[lkinwi]

8. It's my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my family also.

It sucks, but I agree that it’s not worth taking the chance of bringing it to my family through travel.

[woodsprite]

10. It definitely sucks! We made the same decision.

However we haven’t broken the news to my MIL yet. We were supposed to go down to FL to see my FIL for what might be the last time. He has advanced Alzheimer’s and a leg infection that hasn’t responded well to antibiotics. They’re doing some kind of oxygen treatment on it. We didn’t feel we could make the trip safely.



Holding you and your family in our thoughts.

[Kitchari]

11. Your reasoning is very sound

And I am in full agreement. We are conducting ourselves similarly with our family. Zoom works for me! I hear your regret, though, because sometimes the right choice is very painful

[MineralMan]

14. My parents don't use any sort of device that supports Zoom.

My sister and brother-in-law live in the same town, but rarely see them, for the same reason - the risks of passing the virus to two people who would not survive the disease. They visit from time to time, but all masked up and keeping their distance.

It's a terrible situation, all around.

[MineralMan]

31. That wouldn't work, I'm afraid.

My father even quit using his cell phone, because he couldn't see the screen well enough. We talk on an old fashioned landline phone that has an amplified earpiece so he can hear me. There's no way a tablet of any kind would work, I'm afraid.

[Wellstone ruled]

12. Hey man,fully understand.

You did great. Just had that call with our Son as well as my Spouses BIL's Niece both in Southern Minnesota. The BIL in in a Nursing Home because of his deteriorating health and needs 24 hour supervision. BTW,four workers at that facility are Covid Positive as of last Monday and Walz sent in the Guard Medical team to test all the Residents. As of yesterday,one Resident tested Positive and is Isolated waiting for a Hospital Bed either Twin Cities or Sioux Falls.

As for the Son,well,the Granddaughters School System in St Peter had 175 Students in home quarantine as of last Monday. Like you,no way going to fly,especially out of Vegas. No way to drive,staying in Motels in Colorado Nebraska or South Dakota is not a recipe for healthy living. Plus driving I-70 is not a pleasant trip in November or December. Been there and done that more than once.

Would be nice to spend time with the BIL knowing full well this could be his last Winter.

[MineralMan]

13. Many people are facing similar decisions.

Had Trump encouraged mask-wearing from the very beginning, we might not be in this situation. Damn him!

[Wellstone ruled]

15. Oh so true.

Thought the same about our Daughter in Denver. She is on the front lines of this Pandemic. And she has to make those calls to the family survivors,which at last count is 20+ and the interactions with her is just to dangerous.

Like you said,this could have been avoided had the POS in the Oval thought of someone else besides himself.

[3catwoman3]

19. Had Trump encouraged mask wearing, his drooling worshippers...

...would have happily covered up, and he could have made a lot of money selling masks with his name or face on them.

Why was he so intent on minimizing this?

[MineralMan]

23. Well, at first he thought the virus was only in Blue States

like NY and CA. Then, he heard that the virus was killing people of color in larger numbers than white people. Then, he found out that old people died more often. So, he probably that it was a good thing, overall.

I don't know.

[Raster]

88. tRump* was so intent to minimize mask wearing...

...because in his mind it was an admission OF HIS FAILURE.

[marble falls]

17. Doing the wrong only pays off now, if at all. Doing it right pays off later and for a long time ...

... always play your long game.

[NNadir]

18. I asked my son not to come home from college.

We're going to do a Zoom Thanksgiving, the first Thanksgiving apart since he was born.

He's finishing up his degree and beginning his graduate work, and he will be banned from the lab if he tests positive.

We love him and we miss him, but being with us is the least important thing in his life right now.

[CTyankee]

20. I saw my two daughters who were returning from their Dad's house (he's just home from

the hospital). He's 88. I'm 81.

No Thanksgiving this year and I don't have zoom so I'll be left out of that. Hopefully, I can get it soon...

[cannabis_flower]

21. I realize that at 96...

Your dad and maybe even you at 75 might not be technologically savvy but perhaps you would be able to get someone to help you setup a video call on your end and have someone help him set it up on his end. Then even if you can’t come at least you could see each other.

[MineralMan]

25. That would be great, but it would also mean someone coming

to their house with the necessary equipment. I have Zoom on four devices here, and use it for all sorts of virtual meetings. My parents are completely uninterested in that technology. It wouldn't be safe for someone to hold an iPad up for a Zoom call. They'd have to be too close to them for too long.

I talk to my father on the phone every day and even that is a challenge. His hearing is very, very bad.

[hkp11]

37. see this for elderly setup

https://www.dorotusa.org/tech-made-easy-seniors-new-instructional-guides

see if your father can get it working - if he has smart phone, tablet, pc.

Hope at least you can get this going to see each other virtually.

[cayugafalls]

22. I understand. I had to tell my father I could not visit. He is not doing well at all.

I fear I will never see him again, but at least he got to see Dump lose the election.

This time in America sucks. We are losing friends, family and loved ones and we can't see them before they pass.

Today I had to get a car inspected and there were two maskholes at the Auto shop. Masks are required here in Texas now, but of course these two could not be bothered and the look on their faces told me to just keep my peace and get my business done as they were itching for someone to call them out.

I dropped the keys on the counter told the owner, who I know, that I would pick it up later and to do an oil change after the inspection and got the hell out of there. When I went back, all customers were masked up so it was a better experience.

Be safe, sir.

[MineralMan]

28. Thanks. It's a bad thing all around.

[gademocrat7]

24. We have given up all family holidays and visits.

It is frustrating and sad that we have to make these decisions. But until we get a vaccine for Covid-19 we have no choice. Take care.

[democrank]

26. Heartbreaking

Glad your Dad understands. Stay strong....I know it’s not always easy in these times.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

27. Doing the right thing shouldn't be painful, but it often is.

My husband and I have decided that we will have Thanksgiving and Christmas by ourselves this year. Normally we spend both days with family.

We have decided that we would rather be sad than dead.

[MineralMan]

30. Yes it is. But, doing the wrong thing could be

even more painful, in the end.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

32. Absolutely right. n/t

[pnwest]

33. I understand the agony of that decision,

my mother passed from Covid after contracting it in her nursing home. She had dementia as well. I made the very painful decision not to fly out for her funeral for the same reasons, not wanting to risk picking something up and bringing it to family there or bring it back home. I had to say goodbye to her on FaceTime and watch her funeral via livestream. My heart goes out to you, your father, your mother...it’s a terrible choice to have to make, but the right and most compassionate and loving one.

[MineralMan]

35. Thanks. I know you understand.

[Lefta Dissenter]

34. I had to tell my family not to come home from Japan

My son, his wife and my only grandchild were planning to come in January - their last opportunity for a month-long visit - half with his in-laws and half with us. Even though they’re very well informed on the news of the day, I don’t think they really fathomed how bad things are here, and how dangerous such a trip would have been.

I’m heartbroken about it, as I know you are for missing out on seeing your folks. 😢. I’m sorry.

[roamer65]

36. There will be subclinical COVID infections even after a large vaccination program.

Those who are vaccinated can still spread the disease, but show few or no symptoms as they will have the adequate titer of antibodies to suppress the infection. The duration of the infection *should* be markedly shorter.

COVID will behave as any other virus and not give up trying to infect you.

Keep that in mind, folks. Masks are here to stay.

[LuckyLib]

38. So many of us struggling with the sadness. My 97 year old

Mother, is in assisted living, tries to understand why she can’t see her children and grandkids. Hearing loss makes it hard to communicate. The isolation is debilitating. I don’t think families or facilities are prepared to deal with the loneliness. My heart aches for her.

[hkp11]

39. for the elderly to learn about how to zoom, etc

[link:https://www.dorotusa.org/tech-made-easy-seniors-new-instructional-guides/link]

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

40. I am grateful that I don't personally have

an elderly or sick relatives, or brand new grandchildren, or anything like that.

Yes, I do miss not being able to see my son or siblings or nieces and nephews, but so far everyone is well, and that's the most important thing.

I actually had a conversation with my sister as far back as August in which we briefly discussed my coming to visit her, but quickly decided that wouldn't be a good idea. About three weeks ago I decided I would simply do Thanksgiving completely alone. I'm not doing a full quarantine, but am getting out less than I had been.

You're doing the right thing to stay at home, and given your parents' ages, you understand clearly that you may never see them again. All I can offer is

[McKim]

41. I Am Afraid to Be There When Daughter's Second Baby is Born

I am due to visit my doctor daughter who will be having a new baby in January. She will be quaranteened and her toddler daughter will be out of school for two months so I should be safe but I am terrified. I have not seen her since last February. Her state's COVID numbers are skyrocketing. I am so angry with those maskholes for not protecting us all!!! They and Trump's lack of scientific leadership are why I can't see my family!!!!!

[Brother Buzz]

42. My 96-year-old mother informed us by email there would be NO Thanksgiving this year

She sent the email on Veterans day, with the body of the text telling the story how she met my father on Armistice Day at a college sponsored dance. I knew how they met, and the wager my father lost that required he write everyday, but not the date. My mother, the mathematician, and compulsive counter sent the email at exactly 11:11.

[Metatron]

66. What a sweet story.

And, your mom is wise.

[malaise]

43. Heartbreaking but you are making the right decision

It does suck

[BainsBane]

44. It does suck

I'm sorry for your family situation. It sounds terribly difficult.

This week, I had the first major disappointment due to COVID restrictions--the first time since COVID began, despite the fact I've been working at home since March and I had a trip cancelled. MN Governor Walz announced there should be no Thanksgiving celebrations outside the household. I was planning to go to my sister's. There was going to be 5-6 of us, and we were going to wear masks and sit 6 feet apart. But my sister is taking the order literally, so I'm alone this Thanksgiving. I'm thinking it will probably extend to Christmas as well. I know my situation doesn't compare to so many others, and certainly not to the experiences of those who are sick. But still, COVID sucks.

[Hekate]

45. ....

[MineralMan]

51. Thanks for the hugs!

[Hortensis]

46. I'm just glad your father was able to understand, and of course agreed.

That means so much, I know.

to your dad. And you.

[bsiebs]

47. My mother is close to death..

She is 99 years old. She has had a couple strokes and I was told by my sister she is comfortable (on morphine). I am angry that COVID will prevent me from seeing her one more time. I only hope people remember the horrible mismanagement of this virus in the us. It’s sad and breaks my heart.

[MineralMan]

52. I'm so sorry.

[Klaralven]

60. My father died of stroke, and I got there the evening before he died.

I'm glad I was with my mother for her last visit with him. I'm glad I was there when she received the call from the hospital that he had died.

I sort of regret that my last, indelible memory is of him lying unconscious dying in a hospital bed. It's not the strong, independent, responsible man he was.

[mtnsnake]

48. Yes, it's one of the hardest situations ever

My family is experiencing the same thing, but most of us live within a day's drive to my very elderly mom's house, so we can drive to her place and have her come to the window where we can see each other and talk to her by phone without jeopardizing her safety. Unfortunately for you, that isn't possible since you can't make it to your dad's place by just driving there. Yes, it's such a painful decision, but you really have no choice.

[MineralMan]

58. So many are facing similar decisions.

[relayerbob]

49. Sad as it is, that was the right decision

The odds of anyone getting through those airports without being exposed seems remote to me. They are packed with covidiots among the normal people. I hope that you can see them soon. It was awful when my mom passed and dad passed. Hang in there

[MineralMan]

54. I just talked to my Dad again.

I told him that if the vaccine distribution goes as planned, I should be able to come in January sometime. At 75, I should be in an early group.

[relayerbob]

74. Hope all reamins stable through that time frame.

Peace and good health to you all

[iluvtennis]

50. My heart goes out to you...but right decision and your dad understood.

[love_katz]

53. Hugs and support to you for making the right decision.

My mother, and two other people from her nursing home died from CoVid. Eighteen of the caregivers tested positive and were sent home to quarantine. Why did this happen? Because the manager and a maintenance worker decided that they didn't need to bother wearing a mask. Like thousands of people across this country, I had to say goodbye to my mother over the phone. I would not wish that kind of heartbreak on you or your family! It sucks to have to do this, but the alternative is unconscionable and unthinkable. Please stay safe and well.

[MineralMan]

56. I'm so sorry, and thank you!

[love_katz]

61. It can be hard when we have trouble explaining to our parents about why we can't do something.

My mom had dementia, starting a few years ago, and she also had problems with her hearing, which her hearing aids couldn't always help. I know all too well how hard it can be to communicate with those challenges. But you are making the best choice for all involved. CoVid is horrible, especially for those most at risk, and it spreads with fiendish ease. I really hope that by next year that we begin to get it quashed. Know that you are doing the right thing to help your parents live through this, even though the decision hurts like he'll.

[Evolve Dammit]

55. Very sorry to hear. You made the right call, but it can't feel good. It sure sucks alright.

[MineralMan]

57. Thanks. DU is very supportive.

[Evolve Dammit]

59. I took care of my parents until the end. It's not easy at all. Best wishes. ED

[LiberalFighter]

62. You are absolutely right making that decision. Those are difficult decisions to make. Heartbreaking.

If my parents were still living I would not be making that trip for the holiday.

[Joinfortmill]

63. Stay safe

[Joinfortmill]

64. Stay safe

[Heartstrings]

65. Yes, covid sucks!

I feel you made the right decision, as difficult as it was.

This will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas I’ll spend alone, even though both my kids and grands live nearby. I’ll miss my grandson’s bday as well. Another first.

We will Zoom, but I miss the hugs so much!

[LSFL]

68. I have not seen my mother since April.

I constantly have to explain to my mother that, as an essential worker, I cannot see her as I have no idea at any given time if I have been exposed. She at first tried bribing me with money, guns, or other goods, but I have held firm. Now I will never have the home and acreage that was my birthright, I have apparently been disowned. Imagine being ghosted at 51 years old by your 76 year old mother. All because the Great Orange Anal Orifice has downplayed the pandemic. I may never get to talk to her again. She has carried on a petty feud with my sister and has not spoken to her for 12 years. So I know that she means business. But I would rather have a silent living mother than a dead mother that I infected.


Mineral Man! I had no idea that you had so much life experience! You are the same age as my parents.. Mom is recently widowed, but stay away. Even before Trump she was a goddamned pill.

But I really hope you will see your pop again. You keep looking out for everyone. If everyone was like you, we wouldn't be in this shit parade.

[Warpy]

69. This has been a terrible year

and while I very much sympathize with anyone who is desperate for any kind of break from the unrelenting fear and gloom, another word for Thanksgiving should be "Thursday." Another word for Christmas should be "Friday." It really sucks, but it has to be done if we want everybody we know to live through them.

Essential businesses like groceries are being closed here if staff are testing positive. Unessential businesses have been closed for over a week. Our numbers are still skyrocketing.

[warmfeet]

70. Makes perfect sense.

The pain sucks, but you are doing the correct thing by not traveling.

[634-5789]

71. Lotsa selfish people travelling for nary a good reason.

Covid's a bastard, but there's a lot of selfish assholes that HAVE to get that turkey from Mom, while probably spreading the pandemic that much more

[Aussie105]

72. The right choice is often the hardest.

At least you have the clarity of thought to do that, a lot of people don't.

Be safe, phone dad often.

Everything needs to go on hold, no matter how painful. Last year we did things that today could kill you.

Remember that.

Be cautious, be safe.

[MineralMan]

79. We talk every day on the phone.

Thank you.

[orwell]

73. You did the right thing...

...We are doing the same with my 92 year old mother. It is just not worth it. Luckily she lives with my sister and we all agreed as a family that it made the most sense.

It sucks but it has to be done.

And my the way...FUCK DRUMPF AND HIS HORRIBLE PANADEMIC RESPONSE!!!!!

(Sorry couldn't resist...)

[locks]

75. I am 90

and still able to fly but I won't take the risk. Lordy, how I miss my family including grandchild who has just had surgery and precious great grandchildren but I hope to live long enough after the vaccine to see them all again. So good that your dear father is able to understand. I have had many hard times in my life but I think this is the worst year making such sad and difficult decisions.

[MineralMan]

78. Yes, these are troubling times.

[MaryMagdaline]

76. It totally does. I applaud your decision, painful as it was

[spanone]

77. Been 15 months since we've hugged our grandkids...COVID truly sucks...

Hope you get to see your folks soon.

[ShazzieB]

80. Crowded airports in Phoenix and Chicago?

I live in the Chicago area, This is HORRIFYING!!! 😱

Crowded airports anywhere would be horrifying, of course. This just hits extra close to home for me. 😟

[BobTheSubgenius]

81. I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family.

I'm sorry it's happening to ANY family, in fact. You're right, though, and major props to your father for recognizing the wisdom of your decision.

[eggplant]

82. Video calls work.

It's not an in-person hug, but it's 90% of the way there.

It's free, maskless, and you can do it any time you want.

www.webex.com, or messenger, or facetime. Just not zoom, please.

[Trueblue Texan]

83. Sorry you had to make this sacrifice...

...but you are doing the right thing. Hope you get to see your mom and dad soon.

[PatrickforO]

84. A dear colleague at work was diagnosed with COVID a week ago.

She is a single mom with four kids, and they helped a less fortunate family, perhaps a family that had been evicted, or needed some food or something else. And she contracted the virus.

By the time the monstrous nightmare that is the Trump administration ends, he he is dragged, kicking and screaming, out of the White House, I honestly don't think there will be a person in this republic who does not know someone who has suffered from this damned virus.

I am so sorry, Mineral Man.

I don't know if you are a praying man. I am, and every day I pray for all those who suffer needlessly because one foul little mean-spirited man did not do his job. Oh, I know many on here feel like prayer is a useless exercise, but I do not.

I wish you and your whole family the very best.

Stay healthy.

[orleans]

85. i keep thinking it didn't have to be this way

it shouldn't have been this way

i saw the pics on the news last night at o'hare airport. holy shit! glad so many people had masks -- but even still...

you not going is the smart move and the most loving/caring move you could make at this time.

[CousinIT]

86. I have been unable to go see my 92 y.o. Mom

Planned trip in May 2020. She knows why I can't travel now. Cab ride, Airport, plane, 2nd airport, 2nd plane, 3rd airport, family, then the same on the way back. Massive exposure - for me and her/them. My sister is a RW nut job and convinced Mom that COVID is germ warfare from China labs. Mom is a lifelong Democrat but at 92, her mind isn't sharp and she has hearing & vision issues. So she's absorbing the RW crap. I don't know if I'll see her before she's gone. But I am not traveling now, for my own sake and hers/theirs.