Alexandra Petri: Tucker Carlson consults a private eye about the pandemic

[Nevilledog]

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Alexandra Petri
@petridishes
I was sitting at my desk watching the ceiling fan spin and drinking black coffee when he walked in. He looked like trouble, if trouble was Episcopalian.
He said his name was Tucker Carlson and he wanted someone to investigate something.

Opinion | Tucker Carlson consults a private eye about the pandemic
Let's get to the bottom of this.
washingtonpost.com
7:41 AM · May 17, 2021

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2021/05/17/tucker-carlson-investigates/

He said his name was Tucker Carlson and he wanted someone to investigate something. He looked like the sort of man who had worn a bow tie for years and probably would again. He said he had a case for me, but only if I had guts. I had plenty of guts and told him so.

“What’s the case?” I said.

Tucker helped himself to a seat at my desk. “A lot of unprecedented things happening, but honestly, not all of them are shocking,” he said. Tucker squinted when he talked, as if he was trying to read something printed in a small font that was just a little too far away for absolute comfort.

“I’m not sure I follow,” I said. It was hot. I loosened my collar. A fly was ascending the frosted glass door slowly, climbing up from the nameplate like Sisyphus on the return trek. The TV one room over was blasting, and I could hear voices on it shouting about the need to buy gas.

Tucker heard it, too. “Well, you know,” Tucker said. “On some level, let’s be honest about it, the White House approves of this disaster.” He squinted when he talked, like someone who had placed a very specific and confusing order in a restaurant and was now scrutinizing it with the hope that the waiter had gotten one small, particular detail wrong so that he could make things unpleasant for that waiter.

*snip*

[FoxNewsSucks]

1. Tuckums

"He squinted when he talked, like he knew people were listening to what he had to say, and he was trying to understand why."

[MLAA]

2. So apt, so accurate so perfect a description of the squinting sphincter. Thanks for posting.

[jmbar2]

3. Great writing!

Makes the points in a very entertaining manner.

[spooky3]

4. She's brilliant, week in and week out.

Many WaPo readers don’t “get” her satire.

[yonder]

6. Agreed, yes. And clever too.

Writing in that style as well as incorporating tucker Swanson's quirky mannerisms also.

[underpants]

5. Too funny.

[underpants]

7. He squinted when he talked, like he was mad at the sun and didn't trust it.

[Blue Owl]

8. LOL