Congressional Moderates Call For Smaller Numbers

[Celerity]

https://politics.theonion.com/congressional-moderates-call-for-smaller-numbers-1846811499



WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about an overly ambitious agenda, several politically moderate members of Congress issued a joint statement Monday calling for smaller numbers.

“The proposals that our colleagues are putting forward, at times, contain figures with as many as seven or eight digits in them, which is simply beyond the pale,” said Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV), warning that these large numbers with multiple commas risked alienating key voter blocs.

“My constituents didn’t send me to D.C. to inundate them with radically high numbers like a million or a billion. No, I came here to fight for figures like 12, or 7, or better yet, 1/8. These are the type of meat-and-potatoes numbers that American voters can get behind. I have no wish to be unreasonable—my fellow moderates and I recognize the importance of values greater than zero, but there’s simply no cause for them to be this big.”

At press time, Manchin had moved on to castigating Democrats for writing bills featuring words other than “bipartisan.”