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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsMy nephew took his own life yesterday.
This is my first personal post in 6 years or so.
He had a very hard childhood. His mother (my sister) was a 19 year old who thought that the father would marry her - didn't happen. He was given up for adoption to the fathers older brother and his wife. He lived with them for 6 months until his grandmother (my mother) started going nutz about it and with lawyers and over $5000 they had the adoption cancelled and custody was given back to my sister. She gave him to his grandmother.
Over the next 12 years he went back and forth between my mother and my sister. They constantly argued and he would end up living with the person that 'won' the argument. Mom caught his mother putting wine coolers in his bottle - she got him, she had some argument and mom and took him back as custodial parent.......... it went on and on and on. Both would call me about the other. I was in my early 20's and had taken to ignoring both of them.
While home from college I agreed to watch my nephew and a friend of hers child so they could go out for the evening. I got back to school 3 days later - missed classes. I could have called my mother, but I didn't want to 'get her in trouble'. I wish I knew then what I know now.
He tried heroin at 17 -and became addicted - the sense of 'love' he felt from the drug. He said he had never felt anything like it in his life.
His childhood was a nightmare. He got off it onto methadone the next year, but the 'holes' were still there.
His childhood was a nightmare. Going from a party mom to a hard core religious fundamentalist over and over and over and over. My mother is a narcissist, so is my sister -suprise, suprise !!!. From the age of 4 or so I became the 'identified patient'. If anything was wrong I was responsible. I separated from my family at a young age. But my nephew was a BOY - the only gender she was interested in mothering, so she HAD TO have him. My brother had separated from her already, moving 1300 miles away.
My mother dressed him up in 'Crusaders For Christ' armor and a sword. My sister tried to find ppl to watch him while she partied. I wish I knew then what I do now. I was also a partyer sans offspring. Gods, I wish I had seen it then - maybe I could have done something.
I have not lived in the city I grew up in - where he lived, since I hit 17.
I took he and his much younger brother for 4-6 weeks every summer for 7 or so years. My kids were in the age range of his younger brother. I lived in N CA and took us all to amusement parks, national forests, and looooong road trips. He and I had a bond - but there was always a space that I could not access. I tried. The scars from childhood shielded them.
He killed himself - I am wrought. I am not sure what to do, but I feel I should do something - those that read this are witnesses to BRANDON
This is an upper middle class family
Me.
(35,454 posts)🌺
GPV
(72,377 posts)family to Suicide before, but not someone so young. . I'm glad he had you in his life.
sinkingfeeling
(51,276 posts)blame yourself.
FalloutShelter
(11,749 posts)Rest in peace, dear troubled soul.
brer cat
(24,401 posts)You did what you could for him. You are not responsible for your sister or your mother.
The Magistrate
(95,237 posts)Horrible tale. It must have cut your heart out to have watched it unfold.
Duncanpup
(12,716 posts)tblue37
(64,979 posts)managed to give him some respite with your love and your efforts to make sure he had some fun and some real family experience.
You can only do what you can do.
Arazi
(6,829 posts)And please stop beating yourself up Lark! Once addiction has a person by the throat, it's virtually impossible to break free.
I'm so sorry
malaise
(267,810 posts)Finally he's at peace - you did what you could
Jilly_in_VA
(9,852 posts)I lost my son to PTSD, alcohol, and suicide 5 1/2 years ago. It still hurts.
We do what we can to hold each other up. RIP Brandon. May you find the peace you never knew in this world, and may those who truly loved you be comforted. Memory eternal.
MLAA
(17,164 posts)femmedem
(8,187 posts)It sounds as if you tried to look out for him and bring him some joy, even when you were very young yourself.
And I hope you don't ever, ever feel as if you should have done more or that his death is in any way on your shoulders. I'll tell you what someone told me when someone I loved died by suicide: You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
11 Bravo
(23,922 posts)Deuxcents
(15,777 posts)I wish peace for you in your pain.
FakeNoose
(32,349 posts)It's good that you have happy memories of the times you spent with Brandon.
I hope that brings you some solace.
SheltieLover
(57,073 posts)I am so deeply sorry.
Please know that you did the very best you could at the time with the resources available to you.
You likely provided the only fun and true validation that he ever received. Please try to find solace in these facts.
Please also contact a hospice near you. They will provide free bereavement therapy for 13 months, the "year of firsts."
They will also offer free groups for those whose family members have suicided. Groups are extremely therapeutic, largely because of the universality of the experience.
Also, please be gentle with yourself while you resolve your grief. Grieving is very hard work, physically as well as emotionally & psychologicly.
Please remember to eat healthy foods, sleep, shower, and breathe deeply. Self-care will help to keep you grounded.
I interned in bereavement for a year. Please feel free to pm if you want to chat or need help finding a bereavement group or hospice near you.
mahatmakanejeeves
(56,894 posts)I know a thing or two about suicidal depression.
Kaleva
(36,146 posts)yardwork
(61,417 posts)MetalMama
(83 posts)sdfernando
(4,896 posts)Im so sorry.
Hekate
(90,189 posts)Please forgive yourself you did all that you could. Brandon is finally at rest and at peace.
May all beings be peaceful
May all beings be happy
May all beings be safe
May all being awaken to the light of their true nature
May all beings be free from suffering
SWBTATTReg
(21,859 posts)duhneece
(4,105 posts)
then a month ago my husbands stepsons son killed himself, triggering my husband.
A thousand deaths, some survivors call suicide. So sad.
alittlelark
(18,886 posts)MLAA
(17,164 posts)Kaleva
(36,146 posts)You did the best you could and hope you find solace in the thought that Brandon felt his best times was when he was with you.
LiberalLoner
(9,761 posts)Rest assured you did every thing you could and he treasured every bit of love you gave him.
marble falls
(56,358 posts)... you were drowned out by their issues.
There is cold comfort here, you tried hard, but it really was out of your hands.
I hope you can find ease from the DU energy, I know from personal experience floods out of here to those of us needing some release.
Bless you for being an involved aunt.
Mike Nelson
(9,903 posts)... sounds like you did the best you could.
SallyHemmings
(1,813 posts)for you and Brandon.
I wish you both peace.
MuseRider
(34,058 posts)may be rest in peace.
He is so very lucky he had you. You did everything possible and sometimes impossible for him.
May you also be at peace. I can imagine that is the hardest thing to even think about right now but later, be easy with yourself and remember that you did all you could when you had control, much more than many people would do.
Hugs to you and appreciation for the good person that you are.
yardwork
(61,417 posts)It sounds like you did everything that you could. I'm so sorry.
Evolve Dammit
(16,632 posts)May he have peace, and I hope you're taking care. Sounds like you did what you could. Take comfort in that. It's a lot.
crickets
(25,896 posts)All best thoughts and comfort to you, and peace to you and to Brandon.
alittlelark
(18,886 posts)This feels sooooo deeply personsal - wish I had decent friend to talk to.
Hekate
(90,189 posts)and DUs incessant squabbles, this community opens its heart.
XanaDUer2
(10,327 posts)alittlelark
(18,886 posts)I am not in a good place
KT2000
(20,544 posts)you regret sharing something so personal - don't feel bad about that. Brandon deserves to be recognized and his difficult life honored. For those who have not experienced something so awful it is a good reminder that there are a lot of people hurting. You want to figure this out and I really hope sharing Brandon's story helps. Brandon likely wanted to find peace and so may he rest. Peace to you alittlelark. Give yourself time.
lonely bird
(1,642 posts)I hope this offers some help.
https://afsp.org/ive-lost-someone
3catwoman3
(23,815 posts)Please take care of yourself. There are many supportive suggestions on the responses here. Is there anyone you can lean on?
femmedem
(8,187 posts)You might feel as if you don't know how to survive this much pain, but you are surviving it right now, at its very worst. You take a breath. You take another. The breaths do get easier. I promise that they get easier.
When I was suffering this kind of grief, I didn't want to actively kill myself, but neither did I want to move forward with my life. I didn't eat for a month, until on Thanksgiving morning my landlords tentatively knocked on my door and offered me some of their meal. I ate and I sobbed and I knew that I would keep living.
It felt surreal for months, for nearly a year. I felt as if there was something murky and thick between everyone else and me. But there were people who stepped forward because they'd suffered something similar. They gave me a road map and understanding. This is why some people who've been there are recommending talking to a bereavement counselor or joining a group, especially if you don't have close local friends to talk to who would understand.
As you are seeing, there is a big, big club of people who have suffered this kind of loss. We climb out of it, and when we're out, we are there for others.
The person I lost was my fiance. I didn't date for a few years, but now I've been happy with Mr. Femmedem for twenty. I'll always wish that the person I lost had survived. But you are still here, as I am. And you will be ok--for moments, at first, then hours, then days and months and years. And don't ever feel guilty about it. Brandon didn't ever intend for you or anyone else to suffer because of him. He had just fallen into a place where he didn't realize how much he meant to people like you.
alittlelark
(18,886 posts)femmedem
(8,187 posts)I'm glad it helped.
BigmanPigman
(51,430 posts)(NDEs) is true, he is feeling very loved where he is at now. He probably feels much, much better than he did while alive on Earth.
I am an atheist but this isn't about religion.
alittlelark
(18,886 posts)Thank you for putting it into words !
kimbutgar
(20,879 posts)Pepsidog
(6,252 posts)way. I am so sorry for your loss.
Stuart G
(38,359 posts)C Moon
(12,188 posts)I hope there's some kind of afterlife, and that you are smiling.
JohnnyLib2
(11,206 posts)I am so sorry and wish you strength for now and eventually peace of mind.
An earlier post mentioned "survivors after suicide" bereavement groups. One way they help is having others who directly understand the godawful feelings of guilt, regret, "what if" and maybe "I'm going crazy" that follow suicide. It helps to know that others are somehow coping.
Peace to you alittlelark.
Chili
(1,725 posts)...and I'm so sorry that you feel you somehow could have changed how Brandon felt about himself, but... sometimes no amount of love can substitute therapy and consultation, especially when it comes to addiction. From all the time you spent with him, he knew who loved him, and who cared about him.
We're all holding your hand and hugging you tightly.
vercetti2021
(10,150 posts)Poor Kid. That life is awful
Upthevibe
(7,879 posts)I'm so sorry to hear about your precious nephew.
I lost my best friend's 17 year old son to suicide in January of this year. However, he was raised (adopted from Napal when he was six months old) in the best environment you can imagine. No drugs, no alcohol, 4.6 G.P.A. as Junior in High School.
I have a lot of resources if you'd like to pm me.
Light and love......
NNadir
(33,368 posts)I lost a housemate to suicide when I was a young man, but I can't imagine that experience comes close to this.
I wish you peace.
blm
(112,920 posts)catbyte
(34,170 posts)I'm so, so sorry that Brandon had such a difficult time growing up and felt that this was his only way out. It sounds like you had enough baggage to deal with from a young age yourself so you were in no way equipped to deal with that situation. Please don't blame yourself. It's a goddamned tragedy. Again, I'm so sorry.
alittlelark
(18,886 posts)alittlelark
(18,886 posts)alittlelark
(18,886 posts)MustLoveBeagles
(11,563 posts)onecaliberal
(32,484 posts)Delphinus
(11,808 posts)My prayer for Brandon is that he now finds peace. My prayer for you, alittlelark, is that you feel the love from this community.
RIP Brandon.
samnsara
(17,570 posts)alittlelark
(18,886 posts)I need to process
DemUnleashed
(633 posts)You sound like you were an amazing aunt and a bright spot in Brandon's life. I am so very sorry for your loss
Danmel
(4,892 posts)I hope that you will find peace and that your beloved Brandon will as well.
cayugafalls
(5,631 posts)For Brandon.
happy feet
(856 posts)He is in pain no longer. May he Rest In Peace.
alittlelark
(18,886 posts)and I am falling apart
Solly Mack
(90,740 posts)I wish you and your family healing.
Ellipsis
(9,123 posts)In these moments... I can't imagine. I've known people who have gone this route but none close.
You seem grounded. I'am sure your children have picked up on the things you bring to "the table" as it were.
Death, associated to you personally by default brings reflection. Drink up. Positive things can come from loss.
I remember your moniker as a thoughtful mind.
My best to you.
LoisB
(7,074 posts)You are not responsible for choices made by Brandon, his mother or his grandmother. I pray Brandon is at peace.
yellowdogintexas
(22,119 posts)He had major depression and probably PTSD from WW II
My mom and I went to suicide support groups twice, and that was a great help. No one who has not been through this can come close to understanding what it does to the survivors. Being with others who "get it" is so supportive.
One of our group leaders told us that Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Problem is, the person has reached a point where the permanence no longer matters, and is not even recognized as such.
The point of all this is that no matter what you knew then or know now, once a person becomes that desperately depressed they have essentially lost touch with reality, so please do not blame yourself.
alittlelark
(18,886 posts)I am sooo sorry about your father, but thank you for giving me the wisdom of your experience
Withywindle
(9,988 posts)Witness for Brandon.
Please, please call someone. The place you're in right now is terrible, and you don't have to face it all alone.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has resources for those who've lost loved ones to suicide. Please reach out when you're ready (or, honestly, before you think you're ready.) They have so much experience in all the aspects of this horror. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/loss-survivors/
sheshe2
(83,337 posts)canetoad
(17,088 posts)By those who should have loved, wanted and protected him.
I'm so sorry.
area51
(11,868 posts)a kennedy
(29,462 posts)Nevilledog
(50,676 posts)DFW
(54,051 posts)He was robbed of the childhood every child deserves to have.
RANDYWILDMAN
(2,645 posts)I lost my cousin to suicide 26 years ago.
I 7 foot teenage boy who wanted to be left alone. Nobody leaves a 7 foot kid alone.
fierywoman
(7,641 posts)that the suicide prevention lines are ALSO there to talk to the guilt-ridden survivors like you. I called after my cuz attempted suicide and I felt guilty, like I'd let him down. They talked me into peace -- call them!
MLAA
(17,164 posts)You certainly gave Brandon some respite during the fun summers with you. 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
whathehell
(28,969 posts)Grumpy Old Guy
(3,120 posts)We had a suicide in our family thirty four years ago. I sometimes wonder to this day if there was anything I could have done differently. Maybe, but I doubt it. If someone is intent on taking their own life you really can't prevent it from happening. Sooner or later they will succeed. Please accept my sincere condolences, and I hope this helps you in some small way.
padfun
(1,780 posts)My daughter committed suicide seven years ago. She shot herself not more than 50 feet away from me.
Those things will stay with you and never go away.
I don't think they were meant to.
Walk proud that you had a bond with him.
And in those times together, he felt good to be with you.
MaryMagdaline
(6,849 posts)I hope that you can find peace
Hassin Bin Sober
(26,272 posts)I dont know what else to say.
MaryMagdaline
(6,849 posts)Such a terrible loss. I hope that you have someone close who can be with you in your grief.
Tree Lady
(11,370 posts)Don't take any responsibility or guilt as its not on you.
Sending you a hug and wish for peace.
iemanja
(53,001 posts)and the very difficult life your nephew had.
Heartstrings
(7,349 posts)Remember the good memories and he will live peacefully in your heart forever.
wendyb-NC
(3,250 posts)What a heartbreaking tragedy. I can only imagine the pain and sense of devastation you must feel. You cared about him tried to give him vision, a sense of family, and unconditional love.
You may want to seek out grief counseling, or a support group that helps people will with loss of someone due to suicide. There is a group called "SAVE", Suicide Awareness Voices of Education, they have information on dealing with loss and grief. You may also know of something in your community.
I lift you up to light of healing, and peace. May Brandon R.I.P. .
Naio
(165 posts)ProfessorGAC
(64,420 posts)We had a niece do the same.
Her childhood wasn't hard.
We still don't know the real reason.
Yorkie Mom
(16,420 posts)I wish there was something I could say that would help.
Tiger8
(432 posts)What you describe is a classic dysfunctional family - abuse, narcissism, control, substance and religious addiction, and personality disorders.
Its true that we cant change people. Changing ourselves is hard enough, and often impossible without a support group or professional counselor.
A 12 step group I highly recommend for people raised in this environment is called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (adultchildren.org).
herding cats
(19,549 posts)I've dealt with both addiction and depression in my own family. I know the limitations of what you could actually do all to well.
You're in my thoughts. I wish you peace and healing. ❤️
Pas-de-Calais
(9,888 posts)Youve done more than they have, based on your post.
Hes in a better place now
cate94
(2,797 posts)niyad
(112,434 posts)Maraya1969
(22,441 posts)mental illness. You have to have some sort of mental illness to have a brain convince you to take your own life. It doesn't make sense. And then everyone all around feels guilty like they should or shouldn't have done something.
If anything I would suggest you get help from a suicide support groups and/or suggest it to his mom.
Be kind and gentle with yourself.
pazzyanne
(6,518 posts)No death of a loved one is harder than a loss to suicide. May the suvivors of this tragedy find peace.
mercuryblues
(14,491 posts)COL Mustard
(5,782 posts)Words fail me. I hope you can find some peace.
Wicked Blue
(5,767 posts)and for Brandon
Wishing you peace
virgdem
(2,119 posts)I lost my Nephew to a drug overdose almost 5 years ago. I know the pain you are going through. Peace. love and light to you at this difficult time.
certainot
(9,090 posts)my brother wanted off the planet and it had a huge effect on surviving members who blamed themselves - what if , what if..... and echoes on and on....
IbogaProject
(2,694 posts)Please take it easy on yourself. On top of everything else, when someone ODs or succumbs to substance abuse you will always be filled with ideas of what you could have and should have done. But the reality is most days they keep bumbling on and they only come close once in awhile and only actually die once. Other than seeing how to better guide others, there is little to be gained with wishing you could have done better. I lost my best friend 15 years ago and I still have emotional issues with accepting it on occasion.
I'll bet you did much to aid them and tried hard to help them recover.
Take care and give time and space to grieve.
colorado_ufo
(5,717 posts)My best friend's brother and his son both took their own lives.
Please accept my most deep sympathy for your loss and my prayers for your peace.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)I wish both you and dear Brandon peace. I hope he is resting peacefully and that all his pain is gone. You were a positive force in his life and he was probably happiest when he was with you and your family, but once someone is in the grip of an addiction like that, there was very little you could do.
Your sister didn't help things at all by getting him addicted to alcohol as a baby/toddler by putting wine in his bottle. He probably associated the high of alcohol with nurturing and love, and continued to chase that feeling his whole life and it just kept escalating.
Again, my condolences and may Brandon rest in peace.
MustLoveBeagles
(11,563 posts)calimary
(80,694 posts)Im so sorry.
What a waste. Poor tortured soul.
Im so sorry.
Metatron
(1,258 posts)I am so sorry for your loss. I imagine your nephew greatly looked forward to summer with you and your family. You gave him good memories.
UpInArms
(51,252 posts)for all of you
the angst and pain take a toll on the soul
My (virtual) arms are around you (((((((hugs)))))))
mnhtnbb
(31,319 posts)I have a friend who lost her son to suicide a little over a year ago. He had been a tormented soul for a very long time. Even though she--and his sister and his stepfather--did everything they could think of to help him, he still ended up taking his life. Despite his life of growing up in a loving family he couldn't get past his pain. One of the things someone wrote in public condolences to my friend really struck me: He never was able to hear the music. Never able to sustain the joy.
Please don't "if only" yourself. You did what you could--despite his horrible childhood--and you gave him and his brother wonderful summers. Hold those memories close.
shrike3
(3,268 posts)BlueSky3
(496 posts)a grief support group. I have a friend who lost her son to suicide and she says the support group is all that has carried her through. Sending healing energy your way.
Backseat Driver
(4,339 posts)and I bring witness for Brandon's troubled life now that the loving Creator has changed his human energy. I believe that all our energies will be changed upon human Death into other forms of energy similar to that from which we were Born, blissfully loving, heavenly and eternal. Those energies hopefully have positive impact in our world, lovely forms of Light that can so easily be damaged but then once again returning to being free, whole, wise, cleansing and healthy. That choice was his pathway back onto that energetic path, one unfazed by human pain and evil, after enduring such a troubled early life. You sought to ease in him what you, too, had perceived and identified, as you sought to share that less toxic pathway with him for a time.
Hoping Brandon has now found that comfort too.
Allow the light of those who care, alittlelark, to bring you both the peace, support, resolve, and comfort that you, at this difficult time of change now require -
seta1950
(932 posts)Heartbreaking 💔
BComplex
(7,982 posts)And I'm so sorry for his loss.
Dysfunctional families bring so much tragedy to people's lives....I know all about that. I avoided suicide myself in college, but just barely. When the pain just won't go away, and your life feels like all hope is already dead, suicide feels like the only way to achieve peace.
The only reason I didn't end it all was because I convinced myself that, if I killed myself, I'd be on "the other side" with the same problems and no way to end them! No other way out! So I stuck it out on antidepressants and 30 years of counseling. I'm really glad I did.
The terrible pain ended after a couple of years, and I distanced myself from the ongoing problems in my family as best I could.
alittlelark, I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I truly hope Brandon can rest in peace, and that you can find the peace in your heart that you deserve.
CentralMass
(15,265 posts)wryter2000
(46,016 posts)Please know you did the best you could. You were so young, and you had to escape for your own sanity.
aurora the great
(71 posts)I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Please remember, your were the bright spot in your young nephews life. You showed him love and what it was like to have a family. Do not blame yourself although I know, from personal experience, how difficult that can be. Be kind to yourself and I will put and your nephew Brandon in thoughts and prayers. May he, and you find peace
Politicub
(12,163 posts)I can't imagine how much pain you must be feeling, and I hope you are able to find some peace.
Ilsa
(61,675 posts)I wish more would have been done to save him, that the people nearest him had seen his despair.
I hope all of you can get bereavement care and counseling.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)Hugs to you.
Moostache
(9,895 posts)I wish I had more than words to offer.
LetMyPeopleVote
(143,999 posts)senseandsensibility
(16,713 posts)I have no words of comfort to offer, unfortunately. But I do thank you for sharing. Your post "grounded" me and reminded me of what is really important. I'm glad that you reached out to your DU community.