Florida School Revises Covid Guidelines To Reflect Latest Misinformation
MIAMI—Promising to remain current on any recommendations that might gain traction on social media or receive a platform on right-wing news outlets, officials at Miami’s Centner Academy stated Tuesday that they always revised their Covid guidelines to reflect the latest misinformation.
“Rest assured, before we decide whether to permit students and faculty to wear masks or receive a vaccine, we follow dozens of links to random online forums and read plenty of tweets from people who have absolutely no background in immunology,” said Leila Centner, CEO and co-founder of the private school, noting that administrators were in the process of implementing a new program of contract-tracing to keep track of students who may have been in close physical proximity to a vaccinated person.
“Since the beginning of this pandemic, Centner’s Covid policies have been shaped with input from many sources, including disgraced and unaccredited physicians, this nurse in New Hampshire who has a pretty good following on Instagram, debunked theories I’ve heard about at parties, my aunt in Denver who’s always reading stuff, and really just whatever rises to the top of my Facebook feed at any given moment. Going forward, our protocols will continue to change to reflect up-to-the-minute hearsay about how this virus spreads and how it should be treated.”
At press time, reports confirmed Centner had again updated its policy to require students to stay at home for 30 days after driving by any CVS location that administers the Covid vaccine.
https://www.theonion.com/florida-school-revises-covid-guidelines-to-reflect-late-1847888404