Mitt Romney releases a public letter to the "American people" regarding his finances and taxes

[Better Believe It]

The following is an excerpt from a public letter from Mitt Romney regarding his finances and taxes. January 19, 2012

A Letter from Mitt Romney
About My Finances
January 19, 2012

Dear American People:

Over the past several days, my personal finances have been distorted into a grotesque caricature by the mainstream media, pundits, and other people who can count. I am writing to you to set the record straight by explaining my finances in terms the American people can relate to.

Let’s say you bought a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1982 for $5,000. A couple of years later, what do you know, you sell that same bottle for $10,000. So you just made a profit of $5,000 through your own hard work. How much of that should you pay to the government? I’d say fifteen percent.

Now let’s say you have a fellow mowing the lawn at your 7,000 square foot home in La Jolla, and he turns out to be an illegal. You say, “No way, Jose” (Jose is actually his real name) and send him packing. He doesn’t deserve his full paycheck, since he lied to you in Spanish, but it wouldn’t be fair to give him nothing, either. So you pay him fifteen percent.

Now let’s pretend the United States of America is like one big restaurant. Not a fancy restaurant, mind you, but one that only gets two Michelin stars. And let’s say that you order a meal of Beluga caviar, white truffles and gold shavings, washing it down with your favorite beverage, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1982. The bill arrives and it’s quite a hefty one for a working stiff who only made $375,000 last year in speaking fees. (That’s right: minimum wage.) So when it comes to toting up the bill, how much should I tip the waiter, who in case you’re having trouble following this metaphor is the IRS? You got it: fifteen percent.

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

[liberal N proud]

1. Both Romney and Gingrich blame the media for their misgivings - YET...

YET, the fucking M$M will work their asses off to help whichever gets the nomination to win the election.

[louis-t]

2. Why does it take him 5 paragraphs to say to us...

"none of your business, who cares what you think?"

Guess I should have actually read the thing before I got outraged.

[highplainsdem]

3. I love Andy Borowitz.

[mfcorey1]

4. I cannot relate to his examples!

[Enrique]

6. you're just jealous

you should go back to North Korea!

[mfcorey1]

16. What in the "H" are you talking about?

[bemildred]

5. Warning, this is satire. nt

[Scuba]

8. You sure? Looks like pure (R)money to me.

[bemildred]

10. Yeah, no doubt I'm mistaken. nt

[The Genealogist]

7. Has to be fake. I can't imagine Romney being generous enough to leave a 15% tip

I'll bet he is a lousy tipper.

[Better Believe It]

9. Many rich people are lousy tippers or they don't tip at all!

[yellowcanine]

13. Not as bad as my Mom I bet.

I told her I was buying the lunch. She fussed about it and finally said, "OK but let me get the tip." I am thinking, "OK Mom but I know you and I don't think you have any idea what is the proper amount to tip." Sure enough she lays down a couple of bucks on a $45 tab. When she wasn't looking I went back to the table and put down $7 more.

[gratuitous]

14. Of course it's a fake

As an observant Mormon, Romney would not drink alcohol. He might invest in and trade vintage wines for fun and profit, but he would never imbibe.

[HughBeaumont]

11. It had me until . . .

"Let’s say you bought a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1982 for $5,000. A couple of years later, what do you know, you sell that same bottle for $10,000."

Then I'm saying to myself, "OK, this sounds too bad even for R-Money."

Borowitz.

Well played.

[yellowcanine]

12. What if the waiter is Jose and he slips some cyanide into your caviar for stiffing him of his wages

when he was your gardener?

[99Forever]

15. Andy Borowitz, true rockativity! n/t