Negotiation Obama Style

[Kelvin Mace]

The time: 2:10 AM, April 15, 1912
Place: Deck of the RMS Titanic, in the middle of the North Atlantic

Capt. Boehner (The icy waters of lapping at his feet): Damn it man, when are you and your people going to fix this problem?

First Officer Obama: Well, sir, your people built the ship, told us it couldn't sink, fought regulations about carrying more life boats as "burdensome government regulation" then you sailed us through iceberg-infested waters at night, at top speed, in order to facilitate the betting pool for the First Class passengers.

Capt. Boehner: That's so typical of you, inciting class warfare and rooting for the icebergs to win. I bet you are secretly an iceberg.

First Officer Obama: With respect sir, now is not the time for that argument.

Sir Rupert Murdoch: Now is ALWAYS the time for that argument!

First Officer Obama: Why is he on the bridge?

Capt. Boehner: Important business. He's hacking the telegraph wires so he can spy on the other passengers.

First Officer Obama: Sir, about the watery grave we are about to enter...

Lady Bachmann: The ship is NOT sinking. Inhaling water does NOT cause drowning. My husband says we can PRAY the iceberg away.

First Officer Obama: Why is SHE on the bridge.

Capt. Boehner: She's my science officer, we wanted to give her your job, but even our crazy board of directors wouldn't buy it.

First Officer Obama: Sir, with respect, what are we going to do? The passengers are starting to talk.

Capt. Boehner: What we need is another iceberg. Fetch me another iceberg! We'll strap the ship to that iceberg, then float to New York.

First Officer Obama: Sounds dubious sir, perhaps we could...

Capt. Boehner: NO! The answer to any suggestion you have is NO, and always will be NO! Why won't you compromise like I do?

First Officer Obama: Well, I guess we could throw all the Third Class passengers overboard, and that would make the ship lighter, and she would sink slower, giving us more time to find another iceberg.

Capt. Boehner: Well, I don't know, it is an idea YOU came up with, so my instinct is to say "NO!"

First Officer Obama: What if I agreed to throw Paul Krugman and all the other people critical of your crazy orders and my willingness to follow them overboard, along with the Third Class passengers?

Capt. Boehner: Throw in the Second Class passengers and punch holes in the remaining life boats, and you got a deal.

First Officer Obama: Done!

Capt. Boehner: Carry on!

First Officer Obama: Uh-hemm, Sir?

Capt. Boehner: What now, boy?

First Officer Obama: (Bristling) I am the First Officer, not a "boy".

Capt. Boehner: Yeah, sure. What was it you wanted, can't you see I am busy sinking this ship?

First Officer Obama: It's about our compromise deal, sir. You get another iceberg, I agreed to help you keep the ship afloat by throwing off all the Second and Third Class passengers, plus I promised to punch holes in the remaining life boats. Don't I get something in return?

Capt. Boehner: Well, it goes against my instincts to give you anything, but here, take this.

First Officer Obama: What is this, sir?

Capt. Boehner: It is a Third Class ticket for the Lusitania, and my personal promise that should that ship sink, I will give you and the rest of the Second and Third Class passengers your choice of colors, when we are passing out the lead-lined life jackets.

First Officer Obama: Oh, thank you, sir. I'll have the ship's officers go break the news to the Second and Third Class passengers.

20 minutes later the ship's officers are pushing Second and Third Class passengers over the side as fast as they can while passengers "whine"

Passengers: This is the most asinine solution to a problem ever. You are taking a disaster you and the First Class passengers caused, and escalating it to a catastrophic disaster, and adding cold-blooded murder.

Chief Steward Pelosi: I ain't murdering no one. It is up to you whether you inhale the water or not. This is certainly not the deal I would have hoped for, but it was the best deal we could get under the circumstances.

Passengers: Easy for you to say, you have a life boat.

Chief Steward Pelosi: Hey, I feel your pain . Quit your whining, and start treading water.

Passengers: The water is 38 degrees, we'll be dead in ten minutes.

Chief Steward Pelosi: There you go again, letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. Look, I promise, you'll get a better deal next time. We'll really go to the mat for you the next time this happens.

Passengers: Duh! Drowning/freezing to death over here! There is no next time for us. Besides, what makes you think you'll still have jobs on the next ship?

Chief Steward Pelosi: Well, who else do you have to help you? We might leave you to drown in frigid North Atlantic waters, but those other guys will knife you repeatedly, then toss you into shark-infested waters in the South Pacific.

Passengers: Not much of a difference, is it?

Chief Steward Pelosi: All the difference in the world. Before murdering you, we promise not to. The other guys won't promise not to, while murdering you.

Passengers: How will you sleep at night?

Chief Steward Pelosi: Peacefully! On the huge piles of cash given to us by the First Class passengers.

[MannyGoldstein]

1. LOL

Where's the part about the eleventy-dimensional chess board?

Well done.

[Kelvin Mace]

2. Hard to keep the chess board dry

six miles under the North Atlantic.

[forestpath]

3. K&R I can hear them saying it.