8th Grader Impregnated During Trip To 'March For Life' Event

[iandhr]

WASHINGTON—Mallory Pickens, a 13-year-old pro-life extremist attending today’s March for Life event in the nation’s capital, was reportedly unaware that she had been impregnated the previous evening by a fellow member of her church’s anti-abortion organization. “Right to choose? That’s a lie! Babies do not choose to die!” chanted the sign-toting Lambs of Christ activist who is utterly ignorant of the fact that the semen of Kirk Tussle, a 13-year-old fellow church member and pro-life extremist, had completed the capacitation stage and resulted in a fertilized zygote following a fumbling sexual encounter at the Holiday Inn Express where their group had rented several adjoining rooms. “Life from conception! No exception!” At press time, sources close to Pickens predict that after discovering the pregnancy she will drop out of school, isolate herself from friends and family, and suffer crippling postpartum depression.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/8th-grader-impregnated-during-trip-to-march-for-li,31038/

The Onion nails it yet again.

[TheBlackAdder]

1. That's a good article.

Totally nailed it (not the girl).

[sad-cafe]

2. it is getting harder to know if it is "The Onion"

or if it is real

[Fire Walk With Me]

19. I had to look at the link as well although the last sentence was a bit of a give-away. n/t

[JesterCS]

3. Sadly, at first this article looked true. n/t

[Sheldon Cooper]

4. Oh my god I was halfway through that story before I realized it was the Onion!

They got me good!

[Ilsa]

5. This isn't the Onion. It's reality, just not those names.

Anti-Choice extremists gets pregnant out of wedlock, on church trips, and sometimes by a relative. Sometimes they have abortions to cover it all up, then they resume their loathsome harassment tactics of women needing healthcare.

[Kalidurga]

7. So true...

Pregnancy rates among the abstinence only are much higher than among the ones who practice birth control.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

18. really! Abstinence Only, no sex ed, lots of camp meetins or whatever they call those fundy services

Where some preacher--who sounds like a late night car dealership hawker--gets believers whipped up on sspectacle, fear and release...........

Geeeeeee. SPECTACLE. FEAR. and. RELEASE.



Sounds just like sex.
Guess when you're that cut off from evolving society, having hysterical public sexual conversion reactions is better entertainment than watching Fux followed by Survivor, MTV and commercials, and bible study.

[glowing]

17. Very true about churches and pre-marital sex.

One of my good friends was impregnated by the pastor's son on a Yout Sleepover at the church. Guess they didn't think mixing "their teens" together wasn't the best of ideas. Who would think adolescent teens with the same teen hormones every child seems to get, wouldn't mess around behind their parents backs.

It set her life upside down and the scandal was a harsh sentence on her belly that proves the "crime". Needless to say, she was about the biggest opponent of organized religion having dealt with the ultimate treatment in hypocrisy.

[redqueen]

20. Yes.

I can't find it funny.

Especially not the part about crippling post-partum depression. The fact that this is reality for so many people is just too sad.

[Blue_In_AK]

6. The only thing that let me know this is The Onion

is that she wouldn't have known so soon that she was impregnated. This is a very believable scenario. I know because my first sexual encounter was with someone I met at church camp.

[nomorenomore08]

8. *sees that it's an Onion article*

*slowly exhales*

[Hippo_Tron]

9. I wish I had gone to the March For Life when I was 13

[trof]

10. Next stop? Meth lab bust.

I should write for The Onion.

[krakfiend]

11. wait...what the?

God damn you onion! Dangling from a hook over here.

[lobodons]

12. I see a miscarriage coming

spontaneous of course. (eyes roll)

[Cirque du So-What]

13. Had me going

until I saw the names of the underage impregnee and sperm donor listed in the article. Curse you, Onion!

[raccoon]

14. If that were true, betcha anything she'd get an abortion. nt

[RC]

16. A spontaneous one.

A legitimate one would never be allowed for them.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

15. I had no idea this was the Onion.

It's totally believable.


Yeesh. Fucking fascist extremists.

[tom_kelly]

21. Please

I hardly ever respond to the many, many articles on DU. But, please make it clear that something is sarcasm from the start. Its just dirty, like The Fox News.