I Need Fifteen Followers!!

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

Turns out the "pastor" at the heart of the Applebee's tip controversy has a storefront ministry with fifteen members. And I'm thinking, "Jesus Christ, is that all it takes to be a have a church with tax exempt status?"

So here's the deal -- I'm already an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church (you can be too if you fill out the form at www.themonastary.org) and so all I need is fifteen DU'ers to profess their faith and we're in business.

Here's what you get:

Eternal Life: I can do that because Jesus is a personal friend of mine. And unlike those other churches that want 10% of your income, I'll do it for $25 in pizza coupons. Even the expired ones.

Sacramental Wine: Actually, this church is strictly BYOB, so you're on your own for that.

Confessional: You can tell me all about whatever god-awful, horrible things you've done in the past week. Although I'm warning you, if these things are of a sexual nature, I'm going to demand video.

Crusades: Because let's face it, god-damned Canada has it coming. Together, we will liberate Winnipeg!

Sundays Off: Who decided that we had to roll out of the rack at the crack of dawn on the weekend? SATAN. Weekly services require five minutes of soulful meditation at a time of your choosing. And when I say it's required, I mean that you can do it if you want. Or not.

That's the deal. Who's with me?

[babylonsister]

1. Hahaha! I'm in!

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

3. You're my first disciple...

Which means that when martyrdom is at hand, you'll be the first to go.

I should have mentioned that earlier, eh?

[reverend_tim]

59. If you swear your allegiance to me, I will send you a certificate of living Sainthood.

The pre mortis beatification process requires you bring your own gin.

[babylonsister]

72. Oh, jeeze, now you tell me? Can

I reconsider?

[reverend_tim]

106. In my Denomination a big bottle of Sapphire and Canada Dry tonic water can get you all most anything

you want including beatification.
Legal pot, and Gay Marriage requires moving to Washington State and the rain is included with Seattle residence.

Just think You could be "Saint Babylonsister".

[quinnox]

2. just the mention of discount pizza was good enough

I'm there.

[LisaLynne]

4. Can you sweeten the pot any?

I'm still on the fence.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

12. Perhaps a nice miracle would do the trick...

I can turn $4 into a bottle of wine.

[reverend_tim]

46. I can offer legal pot, and gay marriage and lots of rain !!

[Blue Owl]

81. Mmmm... Sunday potluck

Pass that dish on the left hand side!

[BlancheSplanchnik]

100. I think your denomination is the one for me

Beatify me, babe.

[darkangel218]

5. Me too! :D

Weeeeeee!

[monmouth3]

6. Forget Monsignor, I'm definitely in, and admire a pastor with a great sense of humor. Gawd bless.

[nick of time]

7. Hell, I'm in.

Why the hell not?
Am I allowed to use the word Hell?

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

13. Fuck yes...(nt)

[nick of time]

16. Fuckin A sweet!!!!!

[darkangel218]

8. Have you picked a name for our new church though?

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

15. That's a VERY good question

I see a chance for naming rights!

Although I like the "Screaming Church of the Epileptic Jesus" (big Mojo Nixon fan)

[darkangel218]

19. Lmao!!!!!

That name is perfect!! Omg I finally belong to a church my mom would be prould

[Starry Messenger]

82. You had me at Mojo Nixon.

I like this church.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

101. Elvis is Everywhere!

[bluedigger]

9. I'm too far away to attend services.

Could I just send you tithings?

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

21. Ummm....sure.

Cash only. Leave it under the bench at the bus stop.

[bluedigger]

24. Unfortunately, I can't get to the bus stop, either.

Why don't you give me your address, and I'll mail you this chicken I have, as soon as I figure out how to wrap it. Maybe a small pig would be better for you? He's house trained.

(I hope this isn't one of those goats and snakes ministries.)

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

25. I hate snakes...

and frankly, I'm not real fond of goats unless they've covered in curry sauce.

And dead. And cooked. You get the picture.

[Voice for Peace]

74. do you require any sort of sacrifice in your church?

[joeybee12]

10. I'm in! Those bastards in Winnipeg have it coming! nt

[Control-Z]

11. Do you take Atheists?

And would you respect my personal relationship with reality?

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

17. God knows we do...(nt)

[Lone_Star_Dem]

14. Do you accept Papa John's?

I've a glut of those buggers around here.

Oh, and can we hold out on liberating Winnipeg until it's at least above zero there? I don't want to buy a new wardrobe for the crusade.

If we're good on those points, I'm in and you're that much closer to being tax exempt!

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

18. Actually, the road to hell is paved with Papa John's coupons

Any thing from the frozen foods aisle?

[Lone_Star_Dem]

39. Preach it Reverend Jeff! Or is it Pastor Jeff?

Or grand poopa Jeff? Whatever...you are obviously deserving of your devout followers - and new found tax exempt status - sharing such words of wisdom with your followers.

So, are we putting our crusade on hold or do I have to smoke my visa for some polar worthy wear? Maybe I could just make signs and ship them UPS as my part?

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

40. I claim the title of "Pandit and Life Coach"

RE: CRUSADES

Canada is out. The Caribbean is in.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

51. Pandit and Life Coach Jeff, you've earned my premium pizza coupons

I'll even check the expiration dates for such a wise and profound spiritual leader as yourself!

We shall bring the word of Jeff to those poor souls trapped on the heathen white sandy beaches with their sinful sunny skies and temperate weather!

I'm starting to feel like a crusader now. A couple of margaritas and I'll be fully in character.

[kristamonroe]

20. me

great thread!

[libdem4life]

22. Just reassure me I'll not be #13...just hip-pocket my email app before or after...K?

And definitely not on the 13th of March...lord, that's too near the Ides and we'd both be screwed.

[Voice for Peace]

75. and talk like a physicist day is the 14th.. that might be a conflict too

[hfojvt]

23. Winnipeg? No way.

First, it is too big, but more importantly, it is way too far north. It's like 300 miles north of Fargo, for God's sake. Fargo!!! And Moorhead too!

I say we liberate the 14,000 people of Amherstburg.

First, we can come from the north with overwhelming numbers from Detroit, and we can also attack their flank with a pincer move coming across the water from Gibraltar.

I am pretty sure they will greet us as liberators too.

But fifteen members?

How the heck can he afford those 34 dollar dinners, much less a tip?

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

31. Wait. Wait, just a minute. I'm having a vision.

I think the lord is telling me that you'd have to be a friggin' idiot to conquer Canada. The lord is saying....the lord is saying....(fucking Verizon connection)....the lord is saying...that we should conquer St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands.

[hfojvt]

111. good call

the temperature right now in Winnipeg is minus 20.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

114. I'm pretty sure the weighed heavily in Yahweh's decision (nt)

[Le Taz Hot]

112. OK, you converted me with that one.

I'm in. I was teetering earlier because as a Californian, I just don't DO snow so I was having a problemo with that whole Canada thing, y'know? But St. Thomas? I'm in. Ganja, rasta hat, snorkel and flippers. I'm stylin' now, brother.

[N_E_1 for Tennis]

119. We in Detroit...

Travel south to get to Canada. Little known fact and hey it's usually warmer the more south you get.

[LondonReign2]

26. Can I be Bishop In Charge of Selling Indulgences and Other Naughty Things?

If so, then I am so in

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

34. Get in line...

EVERYBODY wants that job.

[matt819]

27. Branch of Flying Spaghetti Monsters? I'm in.

Do I have to give 10%, or just you?

[cliffordu]

28. I'm in!!!!

[Lars39]

29. Don't forget housing credit on income taxes.

[Canuckistanian]

30. Do I have to be circumcised?

Just wondering...

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

32. I dunno...do you WANT to be?

[OneGrassRoot]

44. I think Canadians, and only Canadians, MUST be circumcised.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

47. And the foreskins turned into toques

Since the little head thinks for the big head, the least it can do is keep it warm...

[OneGrassRoot]

52. I shall follow you anywhere. n/t

[ellie]

33. Count me in.

Even though I am not much of a joiner.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

35. No worries. I suck as a leader.

We'll be just fine together.

[Not Me]

36. Rec'd

After an particular difficult day at work, this thread has definitely put a smile on my face!

Love DU!

[Wait Wut]

37. I thought of doing this a long time ago.

I became ordained through ULC just so I could marry one of my closest friends (my sister, by soul) and her partner. Well, that didn't work out (it's a good thing).

Now, I've got this piece of paper and nowhere to go. Years ago, when they threatened Twinkies the first time, I was going to start the Church of the Holy Snack Cake. Not because I like Twinkies, I hate them, but I felt that it was an American tradition and was threatening our freedom or sumthin'.

I'd be willing to be co-pastorette. I'd even be willing to supply the sake (I don't like wine).

Edit: You'll have to drop the Packers thing though. Otherwise, Sundays will be a little tense. /ahem Bears fan.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

41. Drop the Packers?

Hey, I'm not giving my my real religion for anybody!

[myrna minx]

43. The Church of 15 Minutes already has a Packers/Bears schism!

Time to establish the 1st council of Nicaea? Well, the First Council of Sheboygan has a better ring to it.

[FailureToCommunicate]

48. 100 points for having Nicaea, schism, and Sheboygan in the same post! Gotta love DU.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

50. I can't WAIT till we start burning heretics

Mostly because it's so damned could up here!

[FailureToCommunicate]

54. Are Packers fans a 'green' energy source?

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

55. We won't know till we try...

I suspect all the brandy they've been drinking should be clean-burning.

[2naSalit]

38. I'm in

even though I have issues about organized religions! But I would gladly start up a Rocky Mountain chapter over here. And I petition for the liberation of the Alberta Tar Sands, they're too close to the Wood Bison National Sanctuary, like on the other side of the fence! So I think Alberta needs to be liberated... and maybe we can shut down the mining of the world's dirtiest fuel source... that is if it's not too heady a prospect.

None the less, since it's a good cause, I'm in even if you don't like my ideas... just b'cuz.

[theKed]

83. I think calling this an organized religion

is a bit of a stretch. It seems highly disorganized.

Ba-dum-tschhhh!

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the fish.

[2naSalit]

84. Good point

[OneGrassRoot]

42. I'm in!!!

[Sheepshank]

45. Before I become a card carrying member...I have a couple of questions

1. Regarding that 10% that is supposed to go to God. How exactly do you propose to get that money to God.

2. To you draw an equivalency of 10% of ones income, to 18% on a food tab?

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

49. Your answers

1) Paypal. Everybody has a Paypal account.

2) I try not to draw anything. I just use stock images.




This is me....

[siligut]

77. Oh, you is butiful

I'm in. This is so much more enjoyable than the hell and brimstone story.

[rurallib]

53. I am in. And I think the services should resemble poker games

where we could study the mysteries of the card decks and make offerings based on those we hold in our hands.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

56. And there would be dogs...

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

57. This has been fun, but I have to go.

Namaste!

Vaya Con Doritos!

See you at the end of the millennium!

And remember, I'm with you always. Particularly when you're naked in the shower.

[Jackpine Radical]

58. Are your parishioners permitted to use sacramental marijuana?

[benld74]

60. Thou shalt not bogart.

[snort]

61. Is this going to be one of those

Free love churches? I've got a drawer full of condoms I thought I'd never get to use.

[2on2u]

62. I need fifteen leaders.... I mean liters.....

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

94. Sacramental BEER!!!

Communion the way it was meant to be!

[tclambert]

63. Liberate Medicine Hat and Moose Jaw! Onward Jefftian soldiers!

Jefftian, is that what we call ourselves? Somebody already took Pastafarian. Since you're from Wisconsin, perhaps something cheese-related. Cheddarists? Gouda-nuffs?

[A HERETIC I AM]

78. LOL I was going to say the same thing....

FREE THE OPPRESSED IN MOOSEJAW!!


Winnipeg has enough problems, particularly being named Winnipeg.

[Lifelong Protester]

64. I'm in because this is the funniest thread I've read on DU

[Fire Walk With Me]

68. "Eternal life". Hmmm...I don't think Social Security is going to be happy about that.

[solara]

69. Bless me

For I am with thee

[Freedomofspeech]

70. Where do I sign up?

Sounds much better than the Presbyterian Church I USED to go to, when I was young and brainwashed.

[UrbScotty]

71. As a Catholic, I got a kick out of this!

Tell you what - the pizza coupons will be in the mail.

[Snarkoleptic]

73. I'm with ya (here's the correct link).

http://www.themonastery.org/

[SouthernDonkey]

76. BLASPHEMERS!! BLASPHEMERS!!

You are all going to..... you're going to.....
....well I don't know where in the fuck yall are going...but you're all going to somewhere when you die!

Pass the pipe... amen... thank you Jesus!

Have a blessed day.


Do we have to dress up for service or can I just wear a manskirt and flops???

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

95. You wearing anything UNDER that manskirt?

If not, come one in!

[reverend_tim]

108. Ramen to that

[SouthernDonkey]

121. Wyyyy nothing of course!

I'm only wearing it for the benefit of everyone else. The boys gotta breathe!

[Spirochete]

79. You had me at

"godawful horrible things"

[TexasTowelie]

80. The Church of the Subgenius won't let me leave to join you...

...so sayeth Bob!

[CrazyOrangeCat]

89. Aw, shucks . . . Bob's a reasonable guy.

He'll cut ya some slack . . .

[TexasTowelie]

97. I've been a member since 1986 so it would be tougher to leave than Katie Holmes ditching Tom.

about the slack comment.

BTW, why don't you have a crazy orange cat as your avatar?

[CrazyOrangeCat]

99. Autumn, the crazy orange cat keeps asking me that, too.

I just like the pic of Groucho. And I have a wee lazy streak . . .

[southern_belle]

85. Wait! Wait! you're forgetting

about me! Hey....wait....i'm coming....can i come too?....but but but....HEY! CAN I JOIN?

[NuttyFluffers]

86. just use your immediate family or friends and give everyone a 10% tax shelter.

the 10% gets returned as "charitable work among the community and operating expenses."
this can be beer and pizza at game night... for those less fortunate without a 70" flat screen w/o surround sound. or bible study with surf & turf appetizers.

be sure to label yourself as a non-denominational version of any currently accepted religion!
i recommend Christianity as a good front. that way if they deny you, you can claim persecution!

oh, just in case anyone gets the wrong idea... TAX THE CHURCHES ALREADY!

[Earth_First]

87. So, 75 'DU RECS' ...do we count as a group yet?

I'll get drunk on wine and speak in strange dialects if needed....

[guardian]

88. When your followers

get their own concubines give me a call!

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

98. The concubine budget is a little tight right now...

This is the best we can do

[guardian]

104. LOL that's great

Oh joyous love of comely girl
Her eyes bright staring wide
With gazing; and she sighed with many sighs
That moved me, and her cheeks were wan and white
Like pallid lilies, and her lips so fair in my sight,
I fell a-weeping, and I cried, 'Sweet youth,
We alone in this fair garden, our hearts alight with mutual flame.'
I am the Love that dare not speak its name.'

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

105. We do weddings, you know (nt)

[msanthrope]

90. Are you gonna franchise? nt

[reverend_tim]

110. themonastary.org already does

you would have to file paperwork with your local goverment offices to do weddings.

[Egalitarian Thug]

91. Cool. How about a church circle? We all create our own churches and join each other's

respective religions?

[BlancheSplanchnik]

102. Our Lady-Goat of the Wholly Ponzi Scheme

Welcomes all sinners.


I look forward to the transubstantiation of hay into weed.
[url=http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php][img][/img][/url]

[reverend_tim]

107. Works for me

but transubstantiation of hay into weed takes holy lighting and a few months.

[BlancheSplanchnik]

115. only if your gawd isn't the RIGHT gawd.

The one true diety can handle it faster than a microwaved ramen cup!

[CrazyOrangeCat]

92. O Holy Jeff!

I'm in, but yer gonna need a Minister of Music.

And I'm just the grifter, er, I mean pilgrim you need.

Start scheduling those tent meetings! (In the Virgin Islands.)

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

96. You're on the payroll!

Of course, the Screaming Church of the Epileptic Jesus pays only in good karma. And we validate parking.

[Jackpine Radical]

103. Ticketers will be violated--I mean, uh,

Violators will be trespassed upon--

No, that's not quite it either…

Pass the bong. I gotta think about this.

[obamanut2012]

93. The Kardashian Family are a church

No, for real, they are. They pay zero taxes.

Yet another reason why I'm against tax-exempt status for religious organizations.

[Art_from_Ark]

109. How about 15 men on a dead man's chest?

Would that work?

[Le Taz Hot]

113. Funniest damned thread in a LONG time.

Jeff:

[Ikonoklast]

116. As His Most Gracious, Holy, Infallible Keeper Of All Secrets Of The Universe Pope Ikonoklast I,

I Do Hereby Decree:

By the Power invested in Me by all that Is, Was, and Ever Shall Be I declare you Apostate, Heretic, and in Schism from the One, True and Holy Faith and have placed not only Your Eternal Soul in Peril of Damnation, but also the Souls of all those whom you have deliberately misguided into Heresy by your Vile Enticements.


However, My Being All Merciful and Forgiving...


For the Paltry Sum of $129.95, paid in three monthly installments, or $99.95 paid in full up front, We in all Our Graciousness And Mercy shall Absolve you of all Sin against My Divine Authority and welcome you back into My Flock.

Act fast, offer good for the next thirty days only.




All major credit cards accepted. (Only with My pre-approval.)

No Discover cards. (I did say "major" credit cards, mmmk?)

No personal checks accepted. (I'm not falling for trying to cash a bunch of bad checks again, and to all of you that draw a big penis on the "Pay To The Order Of" line, oh, ha ha.)

Cash or valid money orders preferred. (Special Indulgences given to payers in cash.)



So Proclaim I, His Most Holy And Revered Eminence, Pope Ikonoklast I.

[AllyCat]

117. I will follow you unless there is Kool-Aid involved.

I don't do artificial flavors and colors. It's against my religion.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

122. The consumption of non-alcoholic beverages is expressly forbidden (nt)

[Dragonfli]

118. I would like to join but I am already a pope, got a card and everything

[SunSeeker]

120. K&R