An update of the old "two cows" parable, probably by someone in Scotland

[Lydia Leftcoast]

The first part of this is a not entirely accurate old chestnut, but I really like the way someone has "updated" it to cover the economic situations of several countries. I especially like the descriptions of American capitalism, the Bank of Scotland, and Switzerland.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

[Scuba]

1. Unregulated capitalism ...

Unregulated Capitalism Defined

You have two cows.
You outsource their milking to increase profits.
You set up an offshore shell corporation on a Caribbean island to avoid all taxes.
You manipulate the futures markets to vastly increase the price of milk.
You sell all your milk on the international market.
You start a faux-political party to escape all criticism and responsibility for rampant unemployment and milk shortage at home.
You obfuscate the truth of your manipulation and treachery with your party's battle cry, "Milk baby milk!"
Production increases at your overseas slave labor milking operations but all the milk is still sold on the international markets.
You get your paid congress-critter to gut food safety regs.
You get the Supreme Court to outlaw class action lawsuits, so when milk contamination kills 400 people each survivor must sue on his own. You tie them up in courts for decades.
The milk market collapses so you get bailed out by the taxpayers whose jobs you outsourced.
You get billions of dollars in government subsidies from the politicians you bought with your profits.
You tell the unemployed, starving workers in your now depression ravaged country that it's their own fault and they'd better get used to it because this is "The new normal".
It's all OK because you still keep all profits, pay no taxes, continue to manipulate markets, and still get government subsidies.
You are convinced that American Capitalism is the best economic system ever.
You try to convince everyone else of this obvious fact or else you'll accuse them of being un-American.

[House of Roberts]

3. or maybe this

MODERN CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Despite the sellers assurances, the bull is impotent
You can't sue because the seller had a monopoly and forced you to sign a binding arbitration agreement or he wouldn't sell to you
You lose in arbitration because the arbiter is a country club buddy of the seller
You can't sell the milk, because the seller's monopoly has the market sewed up contractually
When you're desperate enough, the seller buys the cow and bull for ten cents on the dollar

[bvar22]

4. THis works too.

MODERN CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
If someone else tries to start a herd,
you send over some thugs to beat up his workers,
poison his water supply, and burn down his barn.
You then use your monopoly to price your beef & milk at the highest gouging level your captive market can stand.
Since there is no competition, you lower the wages and benefits of your workers to further increase your profit margin.
If someone tries to start up a competing herd, you use your accumulated capital and banking "contacts" to WIN a price war and quickly drive him out of business.
You then acquire his assets at a huge discount, and split the profit with your banking "contacts".

[loli phabay]

2. the rbs is becoming a laughing stock, they are doing dumb stuff a lot

I hate the new overdraft rules they have, instead of a fixed monthly charge its now daily. Kinda messes you up when you move money through the accounts with diffetences in exchange rates.

[distantearlywarning]

5. The American Corporation is missing the following:

The consultant concludes that the death of the cow was caused by the dead cow's personal life choices and advises adding a powerful SSRI to the water supply to avoid any more personal-life-choice-related mishaps.

[cbrer]

6. I'm moving to Australia! nt

[Rex]

7. REPUBLICANISM

You have two cows.
You kill them both and leave the carcass to rot in the sun.
You then proceed to BLAME everyone else for your two dead cows.