Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter's Square How To Apply Condom

[Douglas Carpenter]

News in Brief • Local • religion • pope • ISSUE 49•12 • Mar 18, 2013
?1191

VATICAN CITY—Less than a week after succeeding Pope Benedict XVI as the next Bishop of Rome and inheriting a deeply divided Catholic Church, Pope Francis I on Sunday signaled a bold direction for his papacy by demonstrating to followers gathered in Saint Peter’s Square how to correctly use and apply a condom. “It’s imperative that partners use a brand-new condom for each act of vaginal, anal, or oral sex and put it on as soon as erection occurs,” the supreme pontiff said to thousands of devout Catholics while gripping the base of an anatomical teaching model and gently rolling a LifeStyles-brand condom down the shaft of the silicon penis. “To reduce air pockets and minimize the risk of breakage, pinch the top of the semen reservoir with your thumb and forefinger, then withdraw the penis directly after ejaculation. And remember, always use a new condom when alternating between different sexual acts; it’s more effective, more sanitary, and improves the sexual experience for both partners.” Francis added that though he understood condom use was not ideal for maximizing sexual pleasure and personally prefers not to wear them, they are the most effective way to prevent the spread of infectious diseases besides abstaining from sex altogether.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bold-new-pope-shows-crowd-in-saint-peters-square-h,31713/

[Tx4obama]

1. NOT news - SATIRE. This is highly offensive, even for The Onion. n/t

[Douglas Carpenter]

4. hey, I have been a very strong defender of the Catholics

I just thought that everyone is so grim about the whole subject of the Catholic Church it's time for something to lighten the mood a little

[progressoid]

6. Yes it is.

Oh, wait, you meant the Onion is offensive. Not that the church dictating how adults should have sex.

[bigwillq]

7. .....

[nilram]

8. Ditto. The pope is talking about protecting the environment. What better way than to have fewer

humans messing it up, and what better way to have fewer humans than to use effective birth control?

[progressoid]

11. I read that he supports condom use, but only to prevent the spread of STDs.

Not to prevent God's miracle of birth.

[Tx4obama]

9. What I meant was the photoshopped PHOTO is offensive. n/t

[Gravitycollapse]

12. How is it offensive?

I'm not saying it isn't. I just don't know what you're talking about.

[progressoid]

14. OK

To quote the theologian Karl Barth

"Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God"

[rhett o rick]

18. You mean it's "highly offensive" to you. nm

[ZombieHorde]

13. I don't understand why this is offensive?

Wouldn't you be happy if the Pope did something like this?

[Arugula Latte]

17. I think it's hilarious.

What is offensive is the Church condemning contraception and causing untold death and misery through AIDS and poverty.

[stevenleser]

2. Oh boy.

[Warren DeMontague]

10. Move over, Steve-O.

[Cali_Democrat]

15. Need something to wash it down? I brought the beer!

[Jackpine Radical]

3. Asked if he had any thoughts of resigning like his predecessor, Pope Francis said

he planned to stick it out in the VAtican.

[rhett o rick]

16. Now THAT'S outrageous!

But kinda funny.

[olddots]

5. i won't get involved in this one

n.t