The fact that one in three US women is subject to assault

[BainsBane]

of some kind, whether battery or rape, by their partners means some of us are going to be sensitive to discussions of rape and violence against women. Add that with the other percentage of women subject to rape or battery by non-partners, and you have a large segment of the female population who are survivors of violence, sadly the vast majority of it committed by male partners. This is not to dismiss the violence experienced by men or those in same-sex partnerships. Statistically, however, most women are assaulted by men we are closely related to, whether family members or partners. If people here could keep that in mind when responding to posts about rape and violence against women, it would help a great deal. That will be the case anywhere you go, and wherever you have conversations on these subjects. That crime against women is so common means chances are very good you are talking to a survivor. I for one would appreciate it if people kept that in mind. That doesn't mean you are responsible for our assaults. Of course you aren't. I am not attempting to impose any kind of collective guilt. Rather, I am asking that people who themselves are fortunate enough to have escaped this sort of violence recognize that many are not so lucky. So if you think we're too touchy, try to keep in mind there is likely a reason for it. Victims of trauma and violence respond differently from you. Any random group of three women will include a survivor. Understanding and compassion would go a long way in such discussions, wherever you have them.

[Kalidurga]

1. I think it's closer to three in three...

If you include verbal assault, harassment, and just being inappropriately touched but not to the point of molestation. For example, walking down the street a man grabbed me in broad daylight and licked me on my ear. It was totally unexpected and had me shaken for quite a while and needless to say I did not feel comfortable for a couple of days leaving my house. I avoided that area for a long while as well. I wish that was the only thing I had to complain about. But, I think most women have had someone do something like that to them at least once. I doubt many men have.

[BainsBane]

2. I'm sorry you experienced that

How frightening.

The one in three figure is for violence inflicted by a partner only. It doesn't include other family members or non-related males. I expect the figure is much larger. It would be helpful to know the broader percentage.

[Kalidurga]

3. I thought that was what the 1 and 3 was...

The level of violence that women experience is frightening. I got to see my dad beat on my mom regularly for a long time. He sort of settled down when us kids got into our teen years and I think stopped a couple years after we were all grown. My partner made some noises like he was going to try that, I beat the crap out of him well not really, but I pushed him around and grabbed him by the hair and shook like crazy and yelled at him that if he ever laid a hand on me or even looked like it I would put a hurt on him that he didn't want. That however did not stop the verbal attacks so I left for a long time.

Sorry about all the personal history. But, I am quite certain if you do talk to a group of women that 1 in 3 will hold up. And some of them will have a similar story about seeing their moms get beaten. Some will grow up and not have the problem as an adult and some will have it as a problem in their relationships, to the point that their lives are in danger in their own homes.

[BainsBane]

6. I only wish that others here

would keep that in mind rather than being so dismissive of women's concerns.

[HiPointDem]

9. i think if you include verbal assault then most of the population, male & female, has experienced

it.

a stranger grabbing you & licking your ear is physical assault.

[BainsBane]

24. Yeah, I think that has to be a separate issue

unless it's wrapped up in another kind of abuse.

[sigmasix]

4. that's a conservative estimate

I know my experience is anecdotal, but the percentage of women experiencing violence from a man in thier life is greater than 1 in 3. I would guess the number to be in the 80th percentile.

[BainsBane]

5. So it seems

This is where the figure is from.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10022587161

[sigmasix]

8. thank you nt

[raccoon]

7. K&R.

" So if you think we're too touchy, try to keep in mind there is likely a reason for it. Victims of trauma and violence respond differently from you."

Thank you!

[Arcanetrance]

10. This whole point goes back to the fundamental need for education among members of my gender.

It shocks me still but for some reason there are a great number of my gender who need to be educated as to what is and isn't acceptable. The problem is that requires introspection from a great number who aren't willing to admit they have a sexist bone in their body. I look at the world and know from personal experience of being raped when I was 8 by a friend of the family. I still don't like to be touched by people I freak out when someone even just playing touches me unexpectedly. Mind you now I'm 6 foot and still built like a football player. So I can imagine it's worse to be a female going through a world that's designed against them and their health and I am sorry.

[lunatica]

11. I'm so sorry you were raped when you were a child

It was a vile crime and your rapist was probably a pedophile. I was molested (it's still very difficult for me to say I was raped, though sometimes I do) when I was six. Only in recent years did it occur to me that he was a pedophile.

I've come a very long way and no longer feel a shred of shame or blame, because I finally came to the realization that no one would ever blame a six year old for that kind of crime being committed on her/him, so why would I compound that sort of crime by blaming the victim? I looked at me as a child as if she were a separate person from me, the adult. My feelings about it are like a parent's feelings about their child being criminally assaulted. It really worked for me. But I wonder sometimes what kind of person I would be now if it hadn't happened. It's hard to try to imagine what I would have been like if I hadn't always had that taint of shame and pain. My memories of my life are always marred by that blackness in me I used to feel as part of my core being.

[Arcanetrance]

12. It's definitely hard to admit to I know personally I didn't til I was 19

While I have tried to move past the best I can to this day I still think to myself if there were more people and that kind of gets me angry or depressed depending on the mood I was in before I thought about it.

[lunatica]

14. You can take it as it comes

When you're ready to go to the next level you will. If you haven't already done it you will one day be able to tell your family what happened, so they know the vile person they called a friend.

I'm 64 years old. My advice is to work at it because you truly can come out the other side. Don't let the criminal have the power to rule your life forever.

Being able to say it on DU is truly helpful, not just to you but to me and anyone here who has been raped. Silence makes you think it only happened to you because you must have brought it on yourself, but when you talk about it then others can and true healing can begin for all. It also serves to help those fortunate enough to have escaped such crimes to understand what it means and that it happens to even your closest friends.

[BainsBane]

15. I suspect there are more rapes of men

and boys then we realize and that such crimes are drastically under-reported. I'm sorry you endured such a horrific experience, and I appreciate your willingness to consider conditions faced by women as well. It seems that the common experience of sexual assault may bring about more similarities than differences among survivors of both sexes.

[Arcanetrance]

17. There may be more than reported I know the biggest issue I faced coming to terms

Was that I had to admit I'm a male and yes I got raped. But I look at that and it was another male responsible and I admit it colored my view of my own gender for awhile I didn't get close to other males in school. So I see the world and how it's conditioned I saw guys get away with things with female students. Than as I got older I started to think if I'm a male this distrusting of the world that's kind of built around me for my gender what must it be like for a woman to walk down these streets. That's why I think we need more one on one comprehensive education for all guys to the reality of what the world looks like and how it's hurt both genders.

[Helen Reddy]

18. {{{{Arcanetrance}}}}

Very sorry you suffered that.

[redqueen]

13. K&R

Thank you for saying this. There is a thread right now where people are still either bemused by the number of discussions about rape or even outright complaining about it.

This, days after women on CNN lamented the poor rapists who 'essentially' raped an unconscious girl. Women did that. There is no other oppressed group which has so deeply internalized their own oppression and willingly served the aims of the system oppressing them.

I don't understand how people could miss what a huge, incredibly deeply entrenched issue this is.

[lunatica]

16. Thank you so much for this thread!

Those of us who have been victims also need to speak out and let others know why we feel the way we do. We know how deeply those scars run, and how they don't heal. Abuse doesn't happen one day and then the next day everything is back to normal. Normal never comes back again.

[Helen Reddy]

19. Kicked and Recommended!

[UnrepentantLiberal]

20. "If (men) here could keep that in mind when responding to posts about rape & violence against woman"

Do you have examples of posters here being dismissive toward women who have been raped and assaulted? There might be a few jokers who say that "woman lie about it" but the vast majority of men who post here are very supportive of that issue. Even on conservative boards you'll find that to be the case.

[BainsBane]

21. Yes

but when I get some time I'll send them via PM, if you don't mind. The last time I responded to such a request, it got some people very angry and resulted in alert stalking. I'd also prefer to keep this thread more positive, as much as that's possible given the subject matter.

[UnrepentantLiberal]

22. OK.

Understood.

[BainsBane]

23. done

Check your inbox.

[BainsBane]

27. The point of this thread isn't to accuse or highlight those who have been

dismissive of women but to encourage people to think about what so many women face. It's about encouraging broader understanding.

[Demo_Chris]

25. Good thread, great reminder.

Speaking only for myself, I have certainly never really considered these numbers in that context. Rather, they have been a statistic disconnected from reality. You have given me something to think about.

[BainsBane]

26. I'm glad

and I appreciate your considering this.