how would you feel if

[DesertFlower]

your husband/wife had died a month ago and when you called your sister to talk she said "i can only talk to you for 5 minutes -- the bachelorette is going on". i said "can you call me when it's over"? she said "it's a 2 hour special -- i'll be too tired".

your thoughts. i posted this in the lounge -- wasn't sure if it was appropriate for GD, but i'm giving it a shot.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear DesertFlower...

That would be remarkably insensitive of her, IMHO of course.

She would have to be awfully self-centered to do that to you.

[LiberalLoner]

2. +1

[DesertFlower]

6. thanks peggy. i'm sure you know it

wasn't talking about nance but my other sister.

for those of you who don't know NanceGreggs is my sister.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. I did figure that.

Nance would NEVER do such an awful and selfish thing.

[DesertFlower]

9. no. she wouldn't. we spent 3 hours

on the phone saturday night. she said she doesn't feel close to our sister either. said if she wasn't her sister and she met her she wouldn't want to be her friend.

john used to say that all the time "if you weren't sisters -- you wouldn't like each other".

i told her that i loved her because she's my sister but that i didn't like her. she's hurt so many people in her life and she manages to stay "unscathed".

[NYC_SKP]

3. I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry for that kind of treatment.

That's just beyond rude.

[babylonsister]

4. So sorry, DesertFlower.

I have two sisters and would feel unbelievably hurt. That was really shallow of her.

[OriginalGeek]

5. I only have brothers

we haven't seen each other but 4 times in the last 27 years and 2 of those were for our parents funerals. We differ completely on politics, religion, music, how a man should dress and food - well, maybe not food - and we often get into heated arguments online about our differences.

but I can guarantee you if my wife died and I called my brothers they would talk to me all night long and miss work going into the next day until we fell asleep, woke up and then kept talking.

Something is fucked up with your sister. I don't mean to be mean but that right there breaks my heart.

[DesertFlower]

10. something is fucked up.

and she broke my heart.

[Mojorabbit]

51. I am so sorry

[rurallib]

8. I am male and only have brothers but

had someone treated me like that it would be a long time before I called them again

[DesertFlower]

11. she was executrix of my will. she no longer is, but

it will take me till next tuesday to get the new will done. my granddaughter will be executrix.

[Skittles]

12. I would feel hurt and disgusted

your feelings are appropriate, DesertFlower.....but we are here for you

[DesertFlower]

14. thank you. i probably should have

talked about it a long time ago.

[Skittles]

26. I've run into these morons who "cannot miss" TV shows

it is unblieveable - you need to let her know her behavior is unnaceptable

[DesertFlower]

30. i did, but it took almost a year for me

to do it.

[Skittles]

34. good for you, DesertFlower

even if they fail to change their ways it is important to not let egregious behavior slide; me, I would have kicked her ass ROYALLY

[niyad]

13. my thoughts? it would be a cold day in hell (and I don't mean MI), before I had any contact

with that sibling again. thank goodness for sisters of the heart, often much better than sisters of the blood.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine a sib actually saying or doing something so callous, and hurtful, and downright ugly. Glad that you have a sib who is the total opposite. and, do know that your du family is here for you.

[DesertFlower]

15. thank you.

since john passed i've really bonded with his daughter from a former marriage. we've become very close and i now refer to her as my daughter instead of my step daughter. unfortunately she lives in atlanta.

we talk every few days. in the beginning she called every day, but i told her she didn't have to.

[niyad]

16. I am glad you have good people around you, like nance and your daughter. please know that if

there is anything we can do (I am a good listener) you only have to say.

[DesertFlower]

23. thank you so much. nt

[ms liberty]

17. I would feel unbelievably hurt and absolutely livid...

And I wouldn't' t call her for any reason ever. My sister and I have a tumultuous relationship, but she would never do that...even if she was pissed off at me.I'm so sorry your sister did that to you! She must be one of the most self-absorbed people, ever. I read up thread that NanceGreggs is your sister also; thank the stars you've got one sister who is worth a hoot! I'll close with a lyric from one of my current favorite songs:
"Thank the stars you're not that way, turn your back and walk away. Don't even stop and ask them why, turn around and say goodbye."
Life is too short to give yourself that kind of grief, my dear DesertFlower.

[DesertFlower]

20. thank you. we're finished. i'll never speak to

her again. i should have done this a year ago when it happened. i've shed so many tears because of the way she treated me -- not just the tv show, but her brief and rare phone calls. when you only have 2 sisters and most of the family is gone you try to ignore things, but i couldn't do it anymore.

she does have 2 daughters. i haven't seen them in years. they all live in SC. i'm in phoenix. my health is not good and i can't travel. one niece wanted to come out and spend time with me but found out she was pregnant -- she has crohn's -- so it was a high risk pregnancy and no way would we want her to fly.

[Skittles]

35. you cannot pick your relatives but you don't have to tolerate outrageous behavior

I'd would tell her I was finished until she was willing to attempt to act like a rational, caring human being

[Demo_Chris]

18. Hurt and angry. I am sorry for your loss. nt

[GoCubsGo]

19. That sounds like something my jerk brother would do.

He couldn't even be bothered to call my parents on their birthdays. Too busy with his teabagger wife and her family. Needless to say, my sisters and I have as little contact with him as possible. Can't say I'd blame you if you avoided your sister, too. That's really shitty behavior. Would it have made any kind of difference if you had pointed out to her at the time that she was acting like a jerk?

[DesertFlower]

21. everyone i told thought it was

despicable. i pointed it out to her over the weekend. in her mind she did nothing wrong.

i really let her have it -- i went back into the past and brought up many other things she did -- like practically throwing our mother out. when she married her first husband she decided to do it on valentine's day. hubby and i were in the bahamas. our plans had been made far in advance of her deciding to get married on valentine's day. we didn't know she got married till we got back.

when my nieces were born she decided to be a catholic again and told nance and i that we couldn't be godparents because we weren't practicing catholics. then a few years later she became an atheist -- this last year she's back to believing in god.

i said to her over the weekend. "who's the real cindy"?

[GoCubsGo]

29. She sounds a lot like my brother.

The long-time atheist/agnostic is supposedly back to being Catholic/Christian. Trying to impress his idiot friends and twit wife, I suppose. The same with his venture into right-wing assholery. Her name is also "Cindy", BTW. I never met her. Both of 'em are also on second marriages. They ran off and got married in Hawaii without telling anyone. Whatever. We can't choose our family, unfortunately.

[MADem]

37. She might be suffering a disorder.

Does this sound like her? Read through the whole thing before you decide...these folks are very selfish, very smart, very chaotic, and very miserable--to themselves as well as those around them:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

In any event, you need to look out for yourself. Try not to let her conduct upset you too much. Her behavior is unlikely to improve, and you should go where you're appreciated and celebrated, not where you are endured.

[DesertFlower]

42. very much so.

well after what was said by both of us there is no way the relationship can be repaired. in a way i'm relieved. she lives in another state -- so i don't have to see her. she blocked me on facebook so i don't have to read her vacuous posts.

[MADem]

49. It is a painful circumstance for you, but you're better off just detaching from that relationship.

No need to get angry or confrontational, or even tell her anything, either--don't give her a role as a "victim." Just be busy. If she calls you, chat for a brief bit, very pleasantly and tell her you're waiting on someone who is picking you up to go somewhere, and then say "Nice talking to you--I've got to run, my ride is here."

Rather than tell her anything about your life, don't give her anything to latch on to and criticize--as far as she is concerned, everything is "fine" with you, even if it isn't. Instead, in these brief conversations (and keep them brief) ask her about herself "How are you? What is new? Isn't that nice....oh gee, gotta run. Nice talking to you." If she calls you to get a little drama going, that'll fix her little red wagon when you refuse to play.

It is sad when a relative has these sorts of issues, but they're not easily fixed. They are never fixed if the person with the problem doesn't see it and doesn't care to be "repaired." Try to remember the good times if there were any, and just press on with your life. Stick with the people who care about you, and don't fritter away time with people who make you feel bad about yourself.

[DesertFlower]

57. it's fixed. we'll never talk to each other again.

we both made that clear over the weekend. i don't need anymore stress in my life. she can just go on hurting people which is what she's done her entire life, but i won't be one of them.

[MADem]

58. Well, I wish you all the best. I hope things look up for you. nt

[DesertFlower]

59. thank you so much.

i wish you the best too.

[Blue_In_AK]

22. Doesn't she have a pause button or DVR if it's that important to her?

That's pretty rude given the circumstances.

[DesertFlower]

24. she has a roommate. actually it's

her friend's house -- she pays rent and lives there. so i guess it wasn't up to her whether or not to record it. of course, that's no excuse.

my friend michael in new york is a real yankee fan. when i told him he said "if it was the world series and the yankees were playing and it was the last inning -- i would never tell you i couldn't talk."

[Blue_In_AK]

41. Exactly.

I'm sorry she's like this, especially in a time of pain.

[KinMd]

25. That's why God made TiVo

[Skittles]

38. you know KinMd, that occurred to me later

I would hope that people who are pathetic enough to be obsessed with TV trash would had least learn how to TiVo

[Smarmie Doofus]

27. Was she always that way?

Sound like "no"... otherwise you wouldn't seem hurt and surprised.

Maybe she needs to see an MD? How old is she?

Or... maybe she's grieving herself and is afraid to talk about it.

Or doesn't know how to talk about death, bereavement, et al and is afraid of saying the wrong thing to you.

Could be a combination of any/all of the above. But I can totally see your reaction.

My condolences on your loss, btw.

[DesertFlower]

32. she was 1 year old when my parents broke up.

i was almost 14. my mom felt she never had a father and spoiled her rotten.

i, on the other hand graduated HS at 16 and went to work -- paid my mom room and board -- she hadn't gone to work yet. she went to work when cindy was about 5 or 6 -- sometimes worked 2 jobs to put her and my other sister through college. but cindy was the one who got the cars -- got her student loans paid by my mom along with the downpayment on her first house.

i married my first husband at age 19 -- so i was gone out of the house.

when my mom moved here she apologized -- said she neglected nance and me and gave everything to cindy. a few years before she practically threw our mom out, mom started to see through her and didn't like what she saw.

she knows how to talk about death. she talked about suicide several times after her boyfriend dumped her. she dumped the first 2 husbands and she cheated on both of them.

[peacebird]

28. Wow. Some things totally floor me... She chose a sleazy TV show over you???

I am totally aghast....
I'm sorry...

[Warpy]

31. It's weird, but 2 weeks after it happens

everybody just disappears. It's like the happily married suddenly decide maybe it's contagious and besides, who wants an extra woman kicking around at dinners and parties?

I'm afraid her behavior is typical.

My dad was lucky, my mom had held onto all her widowed girlfriends so he had a supply of ladies to take him to lunch after my mother died. I think those ladies helped him get through it for the next 3 years.

In the meantime, the best advice I can give is to join something, anything, to get you out of the house and back among the living again.

[DesertFlower]

33. the reason i don't get out much or have

many friends here is because i have health issues, CFS/ME, IBS, herniated discs, osteoarthritis and scoliosis. i seem to get worse every year.

it's strange, but the friends we had got sick. one developed CFS/ME and agoraphobia. her SO died of cancer in '07. another developed mental problems after his mom died and his SO came down with CFS/ME and several other illnesses and had to give up his career as a meteriologist.

another couple we were friends with broke up. she moved away and even though we promised to stay in touch with the husband, things just happen and you don't. we were both in the process of selling our houses.

for some reason many of our friends are gay or lesbian.

my dear friend michael who lived in NYC came out to visit with his SO every year and stayed for a few weeks. my health was better then. he died on 9/12/01 at age 42 from a heart attack.

i'm friendly with a woman who works in the grocery store. she's my age and her husband passed about a month ago, but she still works. we are going to get together for an early dinner one night.

[Warpy]

36. That's exactly what you need, love

You never really get over grief, but you can get through it.

Understood about the health issues, I'm living in a bowl of alphabet soup, myself.

[DesertFlower]

43. sorry to hear that.

[Cha]

39. Hi DesertFlower,

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.

I've found there's no accounting for some members in our families. They just are. But, the pain they can cause by being so callous is real. And, that's what leads to the inevitable severing of ties. Sad but neccessary for our own good health.

"Cindy" is a good sister in my fam.

[DesertFlower]

44. thank you. glad to hear you have a good sister.

[Tikki]

40. Her priorities are clear...This is just me, but I would end the call then and with:

"What comes around, goes around..I'll tell you why."
It is not a threat, it's just kharma...




Tikki

[Behind the Aegis]

45. If you want to talk...let me know.

Sometimes, all one wants to do is talk, no talkback, and that is OK too. IF you want to chat here, just get things off your chest, send me a PM. I will reply or not, depending on your request. I am here.

[DesertFlower]

46. thank you.

[GoneOffShore]

47. I'd be beyond pissed off.

And then I'd post the incident on Facebook or Google+ to let everyone I knew about what an insensitive cow my sister was.

[DesertFlower]

48. i can't do that because her daughters are

on facebook. they're 30 and 32. one thing i have to give her credit for is she is a good mother. those girls adore her. of course, my mom had a lot to do with raising them, but she threw my mom out 10 years ago. it broke my mom's heart. she loved those girls. was with them from the time they were born. took care of them while my sister worked. anytime my sister wanted to take a vacation or go out my mom was there to take the girls.

[NaturalHigh]

50. I would be tempted to be "busy" the next time she calls.

Either that, or I just wouldn't answer the phone.

[Megalo_Man]

53. I would probably be just as pissed off, but..

I'd also try to remind myself that what happened to me didn't happen to my sister, and I shouldn't expect her to stop her own life for me and consider my still mourning perspective all of the time. I'm sure she realizes you're hurting, and feels for you, but that isn't a reason to feel entitled to her time when she's obviously in the middle of something. But then I'm an only child, so I'm only speaking from my perspective and how I view things.

[DesertFlower]

56. stop her life. Jesus Hussein Christ.

it was a phone call and "the bachelorette" was more important than me. you don't treat a grieving sister like that.

i wouldn't call watching a stupid show being in the middle of something. i never would have done that to her. our problems go back a long time. this was the proverbial straw.

it's not like i called her at work.

i always listened to her problems over the years.

i was feeling better about the whole thing until i read your post. everyone else was supportive of me and thought my sister did a terrible thing. maybe being an only child has something to do with your reaction. i'm an empathetic person who feels other people's pain. my friend's father just passed on saturday and i cried like a baby. when ted kennedy died i cried for days. when my friend's aunt died i couldn't stop crying -- i knew how close they were.

obviously my sister doesn't have that empathy. she was spoiled rotten by our mom and is extremely self centered. she broke my mom's heart. my mom gave her everything -- raised her 2 kids -- then she practically threw my mom out because she found a new guy in another state. she had to get rid of our mom and her 2nd husband. BTW. she had 2 good husbands and cheated on both of them.

nuf said.

[NaturalHigh]

60. I'm an only child too...

and I totally see your perspective. It would be one thing if she had a crying, sick kid or some actual emergency, but the bachelorette show doesn't count for much to me.

[DesertFlower]

55. she won't be calling again.

we're finished. we both know that.

[BlueDemKev]

52. God, I hate that show.

I can't believe that crap is still going strong after what, eight years?

As for your feeling hurt/upset...

Wait and see how you feel about it the next day. If it's still bothering you I would suggest you email your sister and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you're sorry for interrupting her program but given what you're going thru, you feel that her talking with you would be more important than finding out who's getting the final rose. Perhaps she could have DVR'd the show?

[DesertFlower]

54. my sister and i went through everything last weekend.

Last edited Wed May 15, 2013, 01:44 AM - Edit history (1)

we are finished. our relationship is beyond repair and i'm relieved. she can't hurt me anymore. it happened last july and it bothered me all this time.

there are a lot of other things that go back a long time.

[BlueDemKev]

61. I'm very sorry.

But if you feel better not having a relationship with your sister, then perhaps it is best you have little-to-no contact with her.
My brother and I barely have a relationship, either.