Said on the TeeVee

[Scuba]

Leno

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He got an honorary Grammy for best spoken word for being able to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.


Letterman

Mitt Romney loves Valentine's Day. Today he sent a dozen long-stemmed red roses to his money.


Fallon

Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele won that, too.

Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’”