How to Avoid Getting a Job in Today's Job Market

[MineralMan]

Here are some steps you can take to assure yourself of failing to get a job after graduating from college in 2013. If you are not graduating in 2013, you can use these tips before you graduate to help ensure that you fail to get a job when you do finally graduate:

1. Have a crappy GPA - Employers will be happy to deny you employment if your GPA is below 3.0. So, taking it easy and partying down during your college days will pay off if you kept your GPA low. A GPA just above 2.0 is perfect.

2. Wear your usual clothing to meet recruiters or interviewers - Just get out of bed, pull on what you wore yesterday and show up sometime near your appointment time. Make a lousy first impression, and you'll be sure to get passed over.

3. Be as inarticulate as possible - Take care not to communicate your goals in clear language. Call the recruiter, "dude" or "babe" and you're well on your way to rejection.

4. Punt on your resume - Nobody reads those things anyhow, so don't bother with the spell-checking or having someone majoring in English look it over. Besides, you're not going to get a job anyhow. There are no jobs, so who cares?

5. Don't prepare for interviews - If you somehow get an interview, skip all that stuff about learning about the company. Don't visit their website or use Google News to see if anything is happening there. What's the point? They're not going to hire you in the first place.

6. During the interview, list all the things wrong with the company - This is a sure-fire guarantee of success in not getting the job. You know it's a lousy company, so let them know their shortcomings. "You guys really suck on the environment" is a great line.

7. Arrange for a cell phone call during the interview - Get a buddy to call you just about the time the interview begins. Discuss last weekend's binge, complete with details on barfing up that cheeseburger and beer.

8. Don't show any interest in being employed - Ask lots of questions having to do with vacations, personal time off, and flex hours right away. Ask when you'll get your first raise, too. These questions are sure to get the response you're looking for.

9. Demand a six-figure starting salary - If all else fails, this trick will come through for you in your job avoidance plans.

10. As insurance, update your Facebook page - Make sure you add a selfie of you mooning the camera before starting your job search. You want that to be the first thing they see when they check your social media presence.

[sharp_stick]

1. Always let smart ass friends proof read

on edit: I forgot the subject line of the OP.

your resume

[MineralMan]

4. LOL. Also, be sure to list your accomplishments, such as

"I hold my fraternity's record for most beer consumed in a single hour."

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

2. These things were always true, even back in the Pleistocene era

when I was job-hunting. The only difference now is that there are cell phones and Facebook. I can't imagine anybody being dumb enough to do any of the things mentioned in the OP, but I'm sure it happens.

What amazes me about Facebook (aside from the fact that it's a sure sign of the collapse of civilization) is that people post stuff there - really stupid stuff - under the apparent assumption that nobody in the world will see it except for their "friends."

[MineralMan]

7. Yes. They were.

Frankly, I'm seeing the kids of my wife's friends getting jobs in their field, fresh out of college with bachelor's degrees. They're all great kids, worked hard, and are getting the jobs they want. Reverse psychology...

[zazen]

3. 11. Live to age 45 or older. 12. Expect more than minimum wage with advanced degree.

13. Possess an advanced degree.

This could be fun.

Was this person intending on being ironic?

[winter is coming]

5. 14. Live in the U.S. n/t

[PD Turk]

38. +1

13. Work 13+ years in a profession that is getting rid of everybody, trying to move into another field with no recent experience in what you're trying to change over to is brutal

[Warren Stupidity]

6. RW meme. The problem is these fucking no good kids.

[MineralMan]

8. Nope. Kids who are doing exactly the reverse ARE getting jobs.

I know some personally.

[HardTimes99]

17. Well, isn't that special? This post insults every unemployed person who has

doine everything "right" and is stil not getting a job.

I think you should consider self-deleting this or risk alienating readers who are unemployed (like me) and who are taking this very personally. And not in a good way.

[leftstreet]

20. ^^This right here^^

This OP is bigoted garbage and should be flushed

[nashville_brook]

31. +1

[OhioChick]

37. +2 n/t

[Warren Stupidity]

21. As I said.

The unemployment rate for ages 20-24 is nearly double the overall rate and:

Only 42 percent of recent college grads are working jobs that require college degrees, the Pew Economic Mobility Project reports. Ten percent of recent university graduates are unemployed and 26 percent are underemployed in high-school-level jobs.

http://seattletimes.com/html/opinion/2021142697_sandihalimuddinopedxml.html

The RW meme is that this is not a structural problem, the problem is those fucking no good kids. It is blame the victim bullshit. Meanwhile these no good fucking kids are saddled with a criminal debt level financed by programs that are lining the bulging coffers of wall street.

Yeah, its a laugh riot.

[MineralMan]

23. The trick is to be part of that 42%.

That seems clear enough.

[Warren Stupidity]

24. you've outdone yourself. nt.

[winter is coming]

26. Don't you have some clouds to yell at? n/t

[Electric Monk]

27. Nice variation on "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you." nt

[Wounded Bear]

28. It's kind of like that sure-fire strategy of how to win at the casino...

Just get lucky.

[fishwax]

42. Some are. Some aren't.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

13. Not at all. This has been basic job-hunting advice since forever.

There are people who don't understand how to prepare for a job interview. Many, but not all, are young and inexperienced. It doesn't mean they are no-good kids, but it does mean that they should know what's expected of them at an interview.

[Bunnahabhain]

9. As someone that has hired literally hundreds of people

they forgot the #1 way not to get a job:

Do not show up for your interview on time.

I cannot believe the number of times this has happened. Also, don't have a stupid email address. Honest to god I once read a resume where the email address was, "Imodelnude@..." Who in their right minds would put that email on a resume?

[MineralMan]

11. Well, that's true. I just kind of took that as a given.

As for email addresses, I suggest [e-mail]

[Phentex]

22. Was going to say call at the last minute and say the weather is bad...

so you can't come in. Well, how the hell do you think the rest of managed to get to work?

This was actually the second time the person cancelled. The first time she said she was sick. I could buy that - once.

[Bunnahabhain]

25. I put myself in the position of needing a job

I know that only loss of limb or a burst appendix would keep me from showing up at an interview, on time and prepared, for any job I have ever wanted. If the applicant does not feel the same urgency I always have then I assume they will not be a good fit to be my direct report.

[Phentex]

29. Sad part was

this was someone that had been recommended to us by someone else. I found it really bizarre that the person would use WEATHER as an excuse.

It was raining, not even storming or anything

[MindPilot]

32. I got mugged the night before an interview.

Showed up anyway even though I hadn't slept, had stitches in my face, glasses were held together with tape, and my neck was so swollen from being punched in the throat, that not only could I not talk, I couldn't even button the top button of my shirt.

After it was apparent that I couldn't get it together enough to answer the most basic questions ("what is a batch file?&quot which took about 15 seconds, the interviewer said "we're probably going to hire you; will you be able to come back in a week?"

That was my very first IT job, 20+ years ago. Looking back I think showing up was more important than knowing shit.

[Bunnahabhain]

34. Awesome story

and I agree with you. Showing that level of commitment really stands out. I always am of the mind that most skills can be taught but behaviours are really hard to change in adults. This makes demonstrating the proper behaviours at an interview so important.

[tabbycat31]

36. I showed up for an interview sick once

I was throwing up the night before and almost cancelled the interview. I also sounded awful. The first thing I explained to HR was that I was not feeling that well.

I wound up getting that job.

[KansDem]

10. Don't forget "texting"

I suppose this falls under "No. 7" but I've heard of instances where interviewees texted during the interview.

[MineralMan]

12. Yeah, that'd work, too, I'm sure.

[Xithras]

14. LOL, Re #7

I was once interviewing a candidate when his cellphone rang, and he answered it without a moments hesitation. It was his MOM. I only got half of the conversation, but it was along the lines of, "No, I'm still in the interview", "It's going well", "He's pretty nice". At that point he finally realized that he shouldn't be on the phone and told his mom that he'd call her back after the interview was over. 10 minutes later, the phone rang again, and once again it was his mother. And, once again, he answered it without hesitation. I heard a "No mom, we're still not done", and a "Yeah, this one is taking a while. Maybe that's a good thing. I'll call you later."

I have to admit that I got a good laugh out of it after he left, but it goes without saying that he didn't get the job. If he'd do that to me as an interviewer, there's no way I'm letting him near a customer.

Are people so wedded to their cellphones that they can't even live without them for a 30 minute job interview?

[Bunnahabhain]

19. That is hilarious

Another good way not to get the jobs is to ask, in a very concerned voice, "What's the drug testing policy here?"

[Xithras]

30. There's only one good response that an interviewer can give to that question...

One of my coworkers was once interviewing an artist who asked about drug testing, saying that it was part of his creative process. My coworker responded: "We test weekly, and expect you to share anything we find with the rest of the office."

[PowerToThePeople]

15. 11. Post on DU all day instead of sending out resumes.

[MineralMan]

16. That'll do it, unless you have the chops to make it self-employed.

[MindPilot]

33. I am supposedly a paid shill

At least so I've been told over the years I've been posting on DU. Have yet to see a paycheck.

[Turbineguy]

18. In 1975

I went to a job interview with the three smartest guys in my graduating class. They did all the talking, I kept my mouth shut. The only thing I did was write my name on a notepad. 3 days later we all were offered jobs. The rest as they say, is history.

[nenagh]

35. I know a very intelligent, hard working woman in a large corporation in Ontario...

She has worked there for maybe 8 years but she will never be promoted within the company. She is unaware of the reason.

This girl at some point in her employment, fell in with a group of employees that routinely and habitually complained about other employees, perhaps her boss, maybe the workload and she was frequently overheard by management &/or HR people when in the cafeteria at lunch... and perhaps in other settings.

It is very sad really, because she is now not so negative in her outlook, but the company management overheard too much during her earlier employment years... all it takes is one or two difficult people, is the thinking, to poison the atmosphere for other employees in different positions.

Edit to add: This has nothing to do with race or the fact that she is a woman.

For such an intelligent woman, she never thought to modify her negativity and never would she have thought it would have impeded her future employment goals.

[hunter]

39. Ah yes. blame the victims of our collapsing economy...

My grandma was insane. In today's world she'd have lived and died in some kind of group home. The only thing my grandma ever understood in this world was horses, cattle, dogs, and hammering hot bits of metal together.

She was a small town girl, got pregnant at fifteen, shotgun wedding, fled to California with my grandpa.

During World War II they both got jobs as welders in the shipyards. I doubt my grandma's job application was anything more than Name, Address, here's your time card, punch in.

For daycare they left their kid with the hookers upstairs who entertained sailors in the evening.

Had Facebook existed then my grandma's pages would have been among the worst. As a kid I saw both her and her mom topless. Nudity was no big deal in our family. My guess: a Northern European history of one room family housing. My little sister remembers sharing a bath with our great grandma. Hot water heated on a wood stove, you don't waste it. It left a pretty big impression on her.

Do your boobs hang low, can you swing them to and fro...

Nevertheless my grandma's employer kept her on after the war because she was reliable and very tolerant of monotonous work. She was intelligent but ordinary human social interactions were always a bit beyond her.

She retired with a good pension and her own home, fully paid for. My grandma's crazy got much worse after she retired, she probably could have welded boring little widgets together until she fell over dead, nevertheless she was paid well and retired with a good pension and enjoyed a lifetime of a good working class job.

I also remember some of the guys I worked with in the moving and storage business. Some of them were dim but they could carry a sofa into the correct room without damaging it or the drywall. And they were paid as much as I was, a "living wage." They got these jobs in the same uncomplicated way I did, one sheet of paper, nothing complicated, and we'll see you here tomorrow morning at five. If you're late, don't bother coming back. We always came back.

The military can be a means of improvement. Both my dad and my wife's dad are beneficiaries of the GI Bill. My wife's dad was a Mexican-American farmworker when he joined the Navy. They made him a medic and when he left the Navy they paid for college. He became a medical professional and teacher, both well paying union jobs.

My dad went to college and got a good union job too.

This world is largely gone.

[FirstLight]

40. surrrrre

#15 Be a 44-year-old grad because you can't get a job even WITH over a decade of experience in your chosen field.

WTH? You know what? If the job market was better, this could be funny, but it's not.

[Fumesucker]

41. The OP is designed to shift the blame for our miserable economy from the 1% to the 99% n/t