New profitable business venture: Post-mortem metaphysical asset conversion
Based on the two main things I have learned from Mitt Romney as a bishop in the Mormon church and CEO of Bain Capital, I have stumbled on a sure fire, high profit business model. A paradigm shift in investment grade financial instruments which can make us all filthy rich, but will NOT damage the environment, or break any existing laws.
My plan is simple:
We sell Mormon souls to the devil.
Hey, I know what your first question is going to be, "But David, you can't sell someone else's soul to the Prince of Darkness." Silly commie liberal, you don't understand the business concept of "leverage" or other modern investment strategies like those used by Bain Capital.
You NEVER invest your OWN money in a business venture, you invest OTHER PEOPLE'S money.
In this case, why sell our own souls, when we can sell other people's souls?
My understanding is that souls are a HOT commodity and can bring in billions of dollars, fame, multiple sex partners, and immunity from the law (see the Bush family, Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, Chuck Norris, Dick Cheney, Henry Kissinger, and Wall Street).
"But wait a minute," you interject. "I still don't think you can simply sell a soul you don't own to Satan." Well, for most people, you can't, but with Mormons, they have already established a precedent.
The Mormon Church mainstreamed the theological model of "converting" dead people to their religion. Since this is perfectly "legal" according to Mormon dogma, the converse (selling Mormon souls without the owner's consent), would be "legal" under the Common Law doctrine of "Sauce for the gander". I should also point out that we are not limited to the souls of LIVING Mormons, but may also exploit the untapped market for the souls of DEAD Mormons.
And you know what? Souls aren't the only way we can make money off this model. We could start a limited liability corporation in the Cayman Islands and begin dealing in "soul futures". Or we could package groups of souls into investment instruments, then sell shares to Wall Street hedge funds. We could also sell "soul default swaps" to investors to hedge against "soul default" in case some of our assets convert to a religion that doesn't permit post-mortem theological re-assignment. and to cover all our bases i.e., get paid no matter what the market does, we could then set up a investment bank in Zurich to act as a market broker for soul futures, soul default swaps, and infernal soul conversion stocks.
Wait, there's more. We can get the Vatican in on this. We let them know which souls we have monetized, then they can beef up their Exorcism Squad, and start charging soliciting offerings from people whose souls have been converted to a metaphysical debenture. And for a modest royalty on each exorcism performed, we can tip off the Pope to the fact that they can provide this "service" to anyone, since no one will know if their soul has been sold or not (after all, that information is proprietary).
(Note to self: Patent this "technique" of pointing out the obvious. If Amazon can patent "one click check out" we can patent this.)
Once this takes off, there will be a need for a soul "rating agency" to score souls (obviously souls of politicians and Mormon Elders would not be investment grade). With this agency established, we could then offer to sell any Mormon with a credit card his "soul score" and offer services like a "soul lock", which, for a modest monthly fee, will prevent your soul from being "stolen" after your death.
So who's ready to be part of the dynamic new paradigm of synergistic soul harvesting?
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