Is it in poor taste to ask why I have to live in a world where my own family will eat me?

[dogknob]

My paternal grandmother (95) passed away earlier this month. Her husband has been gone for several years.

I have maintained minimal contact with my family since my father died in 1994. A high-school friend once described my family as "like being in a Eugene O'Neill play."

As early as 1997, my mother had suggested that one of my cousins was going to try to run away with my grandparents' estate.

Turns out she was (exactly) half right. My share of the estate has been whittled down from 1/3 (my grandparents had 3 children and I was to receive my father's share) to 1/10 since my grandfather died. There is a probate hearing later this month in which the aforementioned cousin is to be named executor.

There are now 10 people named in the will. 4 of them live at my cousin's address. A fifth will live there when she is born.

Anyone who contests the will will be treated as deceased and their share goes to... guess who?

I try to look for the opportunities in unfortunate events and the only one I am seeing here so far is that I am reasonably sure that this will be the final time I ever get totally fucked by members of my own family.

I hope this wasn't in poor taste

[JVS]

1. Yeah. Complaining about how much free money you get is kind of distasteful.

[tkmorris]

56. Fucking hell dude, really?

[defacto7]

2. It sucks when family acts that way.

Trust and the benefit of a doubt are two qualities that are in a loosing battle against the nature of society. But they are certainly a wonderful thing to cherish if you have them.

Sorry for your plight.

[dogknob]

4. Thanks. That's what this was about n/t

[pnwmom]

5. Legally, your share shouldn't decrease unless your grandmother wrote a new will with new terms

after your grandfather died. Is that basically what happened? If something else happened, if someone mismanaged the money, then you should talk to an attorney.You won't lose your share simply for consulting an attorney.

[dogknob]

8. The will was rewritten several times since my grandfather died.

The cousin was always involved.

[dkf]

6. Who spoke to your grandmother, made sure she was okay, looked after her?

Who is getting "screwed"? In all fairness, maybe it's not you.

[dogknob]

9. She didn't want anyone around. She lived alone.

In fact she insisted on nobody coming to visit. I'd usually give her a call when I was in town, which was usually about once a month.

[dkf]

10. Just curious..if you had a large number of kids, would your share have changed?

[dogknob]

13. The terms of the latest will seem to indicate yes. n/t

[pnwmom]

12. But at 95 she must have needed some help for some time. People to drive her to the doctor,

make sure her house was taken care of, help her with her paperwork, etc.

It sounds like maybe your cousin's family stepped into the vacuum.

Your grandfather left everything to your grandmother, right? So that was the end of his will. After that, she could rewrite hers as she chose. I'm sorry that this didn't work out for you. But the bigger problem may be the kind of family you describe growing up in. I'm even sorrier about that -- and that this bequest was one more blow to you.

[dogknob]

14. They didn't.

My aunt (cousin's mom), who destroyed her life with alcohol, moved in with my grandmother several years ago, ended up getting Alzheimer's, then moved to assisted care.

I found out from the notice of hearing that my aunt had passed. I had spoken to my grandmother at least twice since the final will, which lists my aunt as deceased. I had asked about her and my grandmother did not tell me she had died.

The cousin lives over 1,000 miles away and hardly ever came to town unless he was on "business."

[mstinamotorcity2]

65. No one told us that rotten SOB's were not going to be relatives.

Yes some of them are family members. It usually comes out when a person is near death or dies. Dumbest shit I have ever seen. No amount of money will bring your loved one back. But enough money will make people glad they left. Crazy. Don't feel bad I have seen worse. My daughter lost her Godmother this year. The day after, my daughter got a call from her God sisters crying and telling my daughter that everybody was calling them telling them their mother said they could have this or that, they even went to the tv. We never saw any of these people at the Hospital. I told my daughter some real nice words for her God sisters to tell those really special people. Trust and believe its more common than you think. But usually when you get something the wrong way you usually end up with nothing to show for it. Seen that to. you are more wiser. your share will last longer in benefits. theirs will be squandered away.

[dogknob]

15. Thanks for being nice, BTW n/t

[Gravitycollapse]

7. This is a fragile subject. From one perspective, it's not really your money...

I mean, you never earned it. It amounts to a gigantic gift.

From another perspective, we are all short changed by the capitalist system, we are all grossly underpaid for our labor, and I do not necessarily blame you for wanting or even needing the money.

[dogknob]

11. I agree it is a fragile subject.

I could certainly put my original share to some good use in this world, but I always found it morbid, opportunistic, and just plain sick to think about it or take any steps to defend myself.

I posted because this whole affair has really driven home hard just how little regard for anything but self most people have today. I live in Issa country and I see it every day, but this is just a doozy.

I feel like I should do something. That I shouldn't just take another beating. But I have no ideas.

[DRoseDARs]

16. You are entitled to whatever your GPs decided and declared you to be entitled to.

If they hadn't written a legal will spelling out their wishes for their estate, you're pretty well boned. Shittiest person in court wins. It isn't about the money, it's about respecting their wishes. Doesn't sound like your family gives a shit about their wishes.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

17. Families rarely pass the test of greed.

[raccoon]

22. A-fricking-men! nt

[a la izquierda]

51. I'm living this right now.

Friggin' nightmare, I'll tell you that much. Money's not involved yet, but it will be.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

55. Introduce an old phrase to the discussion, "squandering the family fortune."

[jtuck004]

18. Ironic. If this was Mi$$ RobMe's family, (or choose another wealthy asshole) it would not

be seen as in poor taste - hell, it might even make the newspapers. They expect each other to garner wealth, and then pass it on, so it doesn't fall into the hands of the less deserving.

It's the people with less, people who work for a living and keep the world turning, some of whom take showers after work instead of the next morning, who are taught that such things might be better left unsaid, and that it is unseemly to take it...

Wonder why, and when, and by whom we/they are taught that?

In any event, no, it's not in poor taste. It's a gift from a relative, and apparently they intended for you to have it. They dishonor her memory to act as they are in the above account.

That said, and I have seen many people die over the years, it's nearly always vulture city, as the greedy, grasping claws come out and try to grab anything they can, regardless of the wishes of the deceased. Not only in my family, but in others, and, since I was a medic for a couple of years, in a lot of other families as well. Something about people dying and leaving all that loose stuff around...

Back in the 60's a guy who my father had worked with over the years gave him a .22 rifle (those were pretty common back then, and we didn't run around shooting each other with them, oddly enough) gave it to him, knowing what was coming, shortly before he died, to give to me (I was probably 10-12, somewhere in there. A couple weeks later the guy's brother from another state showed up, knocked on our door, and said that rifle was supposed to have been his. Dad gave it to him, of course.

I have seen people show up while they were working the code in the hospital and move freakin' furniture out of a dying person's home. My dad's sister stole a part of a property that my grandmother had left to her kids, and, since dad had died, part would have been mine and my sister's. Not big enough to worry about, and she needed it more than my wife and I did, so I didn't really even care, but they never talked to us again Probably got the better end of that deal.

Don't be surprised, it's pretty common. That scene from Scrooge, where the people take everything including the curtains? That's more like real life than I think a lot of people would like to admit.

But as you said, it might be the final time, and if it is, you are lucky to have escaped with only that. Unless it is a life-altering amount that would be worth paying attorneys half to screw around with it just take it, be civil, (maybe even nice - it's better for your digestion) and have a good life, ya know?

We will have some good thoughts about your grandmother. She sure saw a lot of history...

[Swagman]

19. this is a very common situation...wills and families...

[Turbineguy]

20. "... 4 of them live at my cousin's address. A fifth will live there when she is born..."

Your cousin will probably stick it to them too. They do not have your advantage of knowing. When people say "it's the principle!" I say "it's the money!". Attorneys are often pretty shrewd when writng up wills and they see greedhead relatives all the time. There may be some sort of clause in there somewhere. If it's a lot of money (that is: to you), consult an attorney. If not, let it go. You never have to think of your cousin again. Consider the time and energy you can put to good use instead of this.

BTW. The ethical and honesty standards for an Executor are higher than your cousin is probably used to.

[bonniebgood]

21. No. Its not in poor taste. We all have greedy families from hell. In a world

of consumerism. A world of NO family values. Where EVERY holiday has to be a SHOPPING experience is
where we are. I feel your pain. You will find resolve.

[Hekate]

60. By no means do "all" of us have "greedy families from hell."

Sorry for your troubles, but it just is not so.

[tammywammy]

62. Agreed.

When my grandfather died a couple of years ago, there wasn't any sort of fight or pettiness.

[muriel_volestrangler]

23. While I see you can't reply, "Anyone who contests the will will be treated as deceased" sounds weird

I've never heard of any jurisdiction in which that applies. It makes no sense whatsoever.

[tammywammy]

25. I think what he means is

If you contest the will you lose your right to any inheritance. I've heard of that before.

[muriel_volestrangler]

27. I presume that at least means "contest the will *and lose*"

Even then I wonder how enforceable that is. Perhaps they can say "anyone who contests it and loses must pay all lawyers' fees", which may amount to much the same effect.

Since we don't have details of what his relations were like in the last 19 years with his grandmother apart from 'minimal', it's not beyond the realms of possibility that she consciously rewrote her will more in favour of people who stayed in touch with her.

[tammywammy]

28. Yes, contest and lose.

As long as she was of sound mind, maybe it just came down to wanting to spread the estate more to her grandchildren.

[Nay]

30. I would hire a lawyer just to LOOK at the will, not contest it. If it's worth the

aggravation, that is.

[KansDem]

54. My sister went through this a few years ago with her husband's family

That's the first time I heard the phrase, "Anyone who contests the will will be treated as deceased"

Her in-laws were real assholes. She knew if her husband died before her MIL, she wouldn't receive a cent. If there were no children alive, the inheritance would go to a school. But her will had that "Anyone who contests..." clause.

Her husband had a sister; there were only two children. But the sister died several years ago, leaving her husband as the beneficiary.

Well, his health wasn't too good: he was an alcoholic who beat her repeatedly. It was pure misery for my sister.

The MIL died and her husband--the son--got the inheritance. Something like $1.5 million. Then he died just a year or so after his mom, so my sister got it.

It was decades of misery for my sister, but now she doesn't have to put up with anything.

[RoccoR5955]

24. Unfortunately I cannot relate to this

My family never owned any property, and therefore, each of us had to work for our own homes.
I cannot imagine that getting property for nothing would start this kind of issue, unless there already was bad blood in the family.

I think I'd rather be poor.

[tammywammy]

26. You haven't probated the will, so did someone else show the will to you?

Once your grandfather died, it was up to your grandmother to decide how she wanted to split the estate.

As long as your grandmother was of sound mind when she drafted her final will, then it is what it is.

[anneboleyn]

41. a lawyer can address the "sound mind" issue

I think it wouldn't hurt for the op to contact a lawyer and raise the "sound mind" issue (also important -- who was with the grandmother when these changes were made, who talked to her lawyer, made appts., etc in order to make these changes in the first place). I find it suspicious that such peculiar changes were made when the grandmother was in her nineties and perhaps not doing all that well. The op might as well talk to a lawyer and go from there. Since the share has been cut down so dramatically it is probably just worth some peace to talk to an expert.

[tammywammy]

46. That wouldn't be a bad course of action. n/t

[Safetykitten]

29. Dogknob, I get what you are going through. Been there.

Hang in there, and to the people that think that THEIR family is different? I got a bridge to sell you.

It sucks, it's amazing the shit people do to family, and the craziness that people with wills do INTENTIONALLY knowing that they will implode the family.

But remember, it's in BAD TASTE to ask someone about a will. Miss Manners says so in a book somewhere.

[woo me with science]

31. We live in a sick culture

that encourages, breeds, and often requires competition and eating one another.

It is very sad to see it reflected in how families treat one another.

I am sorry.

[Jamastiene]

32. My family acted just like that when my grandmother died.

All of her children, including my own mother, are still grappling with grief from their loss....of material possessions that went to the other sibling instead of them. My biological grandmother wasn't even completely dead yet before they all started raiding her house and fighting over who got what. I didn't want a damn thing, but my mother felt the need to "score" me a few items I have nowhere to store and did not ask for or want.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

34. Feels like picking through a dead man's pockets sometimes.

[NealK]

44. These kind of situations bring up the worst in people.

Been there but I wasn't include in the will in any way. What I saw was disgusting.

[Spitfire of ATJ]

63. It's like getting trampled on Black Friday.

[JCMach1]

33. Get a lawyer,

or just let it go...

Sorry for your situation though...

[Baitball Blogger]

35. Happened to me when my mother died.

By my own siblings, no less.

How did your cousin widdle their way in?

[Adrahil]

36. I ctainly feel for you.

But ultimately, it's money.

If there are some heirlooms that have special significance to you, see if you can get a few of them. But don't give yourself an ulcer over the money.

[Habibi]

37. Been there.

Hugs to you. I know how much it can hurt.

[Liberal_in_LA]

38. something like that happened in my family. a family member's half share of estate

Decreased to one / fifteenth as "cousins" came out of the woodwork

[magical thyme]

39. not in poor taste, but your grandmother had the last word

The executor will have to go by the will, not her personal wishes. If you didn't spend time with your 95 year old grandmother, then it's very possible she will have forgotten about you.

Understand, I don't blame you. My attorney sister, who hates me, was daddy's girl. Now, he's living with her and I'm sure she or her son will get most or all of whatever is left, assuming he hasn't already blown every dime on her already. Doubtless she'll be the executor, but worse, she gets his ear every day and probably will get a chance to re-write his will while he's still more or less alive. Lest you doubt me, she tried to get our other sister to give her social security number. My guess is she was trying to write her out then and there.

Personally, I chose to have a life, and that meant leaving the lot of them out of mine so they couldn't crap on it any more than they already have.

Therefore, I expect to get nothing. I hold a little hope that he'll remember the abuse, the inappropriate looking, the inappropriate touching, the going away for weekends and leaving me locked out in the street when I was 14, the destruction of every relationship I tried to build, the telling me when I was just 16 that I was so ugly nobody would ever want to marry me (that was supposed to be an apology -- the only one I ever got from him) and so on. And that out of some sense of guilt and shame over how badly they treated me, he'll leave me something to cover the many, many opportunities lost to his shitting all over them, and the $$ spent on therapy trying to mitigate the worst of the damage to my life.

But really, I expect nothing. I expect my sister, or her son, to get whatever there is.

Expect nothing, and you will not be disappointed. Best case, maybe he'll leave me a little something. Worst case, I get nothing and that's fine. She wanted it all, she can have it all. That includes taking care of a hateful, mean, angry old man pushing 90.

[Habibi]

49. "Expect nothing, and you will not be disappointed."

Amen. Never, ever, count on an inheritance. Money brings out the worst in people.

[Butterbean]

59. Agreed. My mom goes on and on about "protecting" mine and my sister's "inheritance."

I tell her to take that money and spend it on herself and my father now, while they are alive and here on earth, because I don't expect an inheritance, and never did. I have always associated "inheritances" with very wealthy families and stuff, not your average joe.

My mom's parents both died within the past year, and the war that has been waged over the "inheritance" has just been horrid and utterly ridiculous. It was the same way when my husband's grandparents died. Ugliness, ugliness, ugliness all around. I was so glad we weren't in the wills in any way shape or form. Being left nothing is a huge blessing.

[d_r]

40. Actually this happens a lot

Equal shares X number of kids vs number of grandkids

[mnhtnbb]

43. True. My mother

who always preferred my brother (as Republican as she was) divided her estate
equally among the grandchildren.

My brother has five and I have two. She actually had the audacity to tell me once, "share and share alike".
I told her that in my world 2/7 did not equal 5/7. And no, my brother is not hurting for money and never
has during his career.

And when it came to 'stuff'? My mother arranged for my brother and his wife to come 'take what they wanted'
as they were moving into assisted living. I only found out because my dad called me and said I'd better
get there--California when we were living in Nebraska--if I wanted anything. My mother gave EVERYTHING--art,
silverware, crystal, furniture--to the SIL and offered me a set of hand painted bird plates. I told her she could keep them.

Fortunately, my father, also a Republican, outlived her (so she couldn't change the trust) and divided
equally among my brother and me.

My SIL is still pissed that my parents didn't 'give' them the house in California. I suspect that my dad had a lot to do
with that.

This is the SIL with whom I no longer have any e-mail contact.

[Habibi]

57. Ugh. Glad your dad did the right thing.

[mnhtnbb]

42. No. Hubby went through something similar.

His father had a will and trust. Three children (hubby, sister, half-sister)
were to share equally.

Along comes girlfriend--who eventually becomes the 4th wife. Hubby's
dad resisted marrying the woman for many years (in his 80's), but she persisted.
The marriage was done secretly--and then announced to the family--by then
the dad is 92. When he dies a couple of years later, it is discovered that the wife got rid of the trust
and got him to change the will.

Hubby is left out of splitting the estate--now 1/2 to wife and other 1/2 shared by
sister and half sister--except for $10K. Contest clause (if you contest, get nothing).

Eventually, the half sister gives hubby from her portion what would have been his
had half for children been shared equally among the three of them. Sister offers nothing.

Old biddy wife lived to be almost 100. As far as anyone knows, if anything remained
it was left to her nephew. By then, the full sister was also dead.


I'm sorry your family has turned out to be so greedy.

[loli phabay]

45. when my father dies i become sole hier, but it is expected for me to split twenty percent

Or so between my siblings, then the head of each household with be given a gift for their family then also all his nieces and nephews will participate in a lucky dip with each picking an envelope that will contain something. Ie some land or some jewelry etc. Also there will be a lucky dip for all the kids with cash or jewelry in envelopes for them. Everyone gets something so its all split between the family, i then hold the lions share to pass onto my son in much the same manner. Its a good system and though some may not be happy with what they get it is what it is.

[oldhippie]

48. I've never heard of the "lucky dip" before ......

That's an interesting concept. I'll have to think on that a bit.

Inheritance is not something anyone in my family has ever had to worry about, as there hasn't been any "estate" to ever divide. I don't think anyone ever even had a will. When my dad passed a couple years ago I just assumed everything went to his second (much younger, my age, in fact) wife. I never checked to see if he had a will or not, and no one ever said anything. It's not something I am going to worry about.

[loli phabay]

52. its good as everyone gets something and there are no favourites so to speak

Biggest stuff goes to eldest son, then each household gets something big, then each individual. Also in the eighty percent there is leeway for larger gifts if circumstances are right, ie someone gets married or a child is born etc.

[oldhippie]

64. Is this method part of some cultural tradition .......

... like from an Asian or Hispanic or some other culture or ethnic group? I had never heard of that, but the more I think about it the better I like it. It made me wonder if this is from some specific culture or maybe is just some single family's tradition?

[loli phabay]

66. yup, you got mail

[oldhippie]

67. Thanks!

Got it.

[Safetykitten]

47. Oh and a note to you people with the cash and stuff to leave....

Make sure you in every way possible use a passive aggressive manner to keep those kids/people that you want to control in line. It's much more fun when you use secrecy and the promise of riches to make people to comply with your whims and needs.

And don't get a pissy when a son or daughter tells you to go fuck yourself and says keep your shit. maybe they don't want to play your game. But maybe you lost that son or daughter forever, and that person was the one you really wanted to keep.

[leftstreet]

50. +1

These threads are depressing

Everyone's overlooking the (often) ruthless, controlling selfishness of the dear departed, and instead focusing on the selfishness of the heirs

Sad

[Habibi]

58. Yup.

Some of the "dear departed" are just psychopaths.

[csziggy]

53. My sympathies for the loss of your grandmother

A death in the family will increase divisions in the family. You have to decide to let it go. If you are correct and any effort to contest the will eliminates any share you might now have, then it will be better for you to just let go of any remaining family ties and not hold a grudge.

And for those who only see that dogknob is looking for a windfall, please consider it may not be about money. The grandfather's wishes were for his children and their children get a certain treatment. Those wishes have now been circumvented. Maybe there are momentos that dogknob expected to get that will not be passed along with the changes that have been made.

Dogknob,

[hunter]

61. I'm glad I don't have a family like that.

Whatever I "inherit" is always a big mess to clean up, like in, "How the hell did you get my phone number? Don't call again. We will hurt you."

We're very family oriented. Show up on the doorstep hungry and homeless and you will be fed and sheltered, no strings attached. But ain't nobody gonna pay your debts. Your debts, not ours.

Any inherited "wealth" (very rare) will be distributed to the neediest. Minors and college kids mostly.

Very Celtic clannish. I wore a kilt at my sister's wedding. She gave us silk boxers and asked us not to go "commando." I agreed, but some of my siblings and older relatives did not. Strange looks at the swanky reception place's urinals.

If I ever inherited a substantial amount of money I wouldn't sleep at night. I'd be wondering how to get rid of it.

If I was homeless and needed a place to exist, yeah, maybe I'd go for that. But beyond that there's only so much Guinness Stout or good tequila a man can consume in this world.