Woman sends her husband a beautiful Christmas gift...2 years after she passed away

[Contrary1]

What a lovely lady she must have been.


Brenda Schmitz wrote a letter with three wishes right before she died, but asked a friend not to mail it until her husband had fallen in love again.

A month before she died, Brenda wrote a letter to the Des Moines, Iowa, radio station “Star” 102.5. She asked a friend to wait to mail it until her husband, David, had fallen in love again.

“When you are in receipt of this letter, I will have already lost my battle to ovarian cancer,” Brenda wrote. “I told my friend once my loving husband David had moved on in his life and had met someone to share his life with again, to mail this letter to all of you at the station.”

Brenda’s first request was a day of pampering for David’s new love, a woman he met in October 2012 named Jane. “She deserves it, being a stepmother to all those boys,” Brenda wrote. “Make her smile and know her efforts are truly appreciated from me.”

More: http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelzarrell/two-years-after-she-passed-away-a-woman-gives-her-family-an

[etherealtruth]

1. I would not say this brought tears to my eyes

It would be more accurate to use the word "sobbed"

[yourout]

2. KnR....now going to get more kleenex.

[Unrepentant Fenian]

3. WOW... just WOW! nt

[progressoid]

4. Damn. . .

#t=21

[BodieTown]

8. Oh Gee Thanks A Lot..

...I'm on a wonderful vacation in Vegas, watched this, and now I'm crying like a baby in my hotel room.

Thanks for the link.

[Orrex]

5. Not sure if incredibly romantic or incredibly creepy

[awoke_in_2003]

6. I see no creepiness. nt

[BodieTown]

9. Incredibly creepy?

I've read dumb postings here before, but you take the cake.

Try incredibly caring.

[RVN VET]

10. First I agree: it was incredibly caring

It wasn't creepy -- it was beautiful that a woman who knew she was dying would leave something so loving, caring, and joyful to her husband.

But there is an unusual aspect to it, of course. A word from the dead, like a whisper from beyond the grave, not just saying it's alright to start over and to be happy, but saying I'm still with you. Maybe that idea of the deceased wife still being there, still being involved with the family and with her husband seemed -- at least potentially - "creepy."

I have to admit, at first, I paused, if only for a second, to feel my way through this. But as i continued to read the story, it became clear that this was a wonderfully caring woman who left a wonderfully caring legacy-gift to her family and to people she didn't even know before she died.

[Mojorabbit]

13. I agree. There could be a creepy aspect to it.

It is difficult to grieve and to finally be able to move past it is so hard. It could draw back all those feelings. To each is own in imagining how they might feel if in this situation. I have just lost my husband tues and for now I would find it creepy. I might not feel that way a year from now.

[BrotherIvan]

20. I'm so sorry to hear that

I'm sure the holidays will be hard this year. I will keep you in my thoughts. I lost my mom this year so it's going to be rough. I wish you all the best and do hope your life blossoms out of the grief. It seems like it will last forever, but I know it won't.

[winter is coming]

22. The first Christmas is the hard one. After that, you still miss them, but it's not so

overwhelming or unbearably awful; it's more a fond, "so-and-so would have loved/hated that."

[BrotherIvan]

23. Thanks, I'm trying to look on the bright side

I would be shopping for all the ingredients for dinner today as my mother became too infirm to cook as she loved to do. Instead I get to spend it with my in-laws in Europe for the first time, so that's a new adventure.

[winter is coming]

24. The first Christmas after my dad's death, we did something totally different, too.

I think it helped. Of course we were still thinking about him, but not doing the usual things in the usual places seemed to make it a little easier. I hope your travel is the right kind of "adventure": I can't imagine how crazy transatlantic flights are this time of year.

[BrotherIvan]

25. Yeah, the airport is going to suuuuuuuuck

Happy New Year to You!

[winter is coming]

26. Happy New Year to you, too! Hope you don't spend it in the airport! n/t

[Mojorabbit]

30. I am glad to hear it also

I had bought him all these presents and.... I have family in from all over but everyone leaves tues. Then I will have time to process it all. I just can't believe it. We have lived together for thirty one years. Married for all but four of them.

[winter is coming]

45. Oh, my...

It will get better. Not right away, but little by little.

[Mojorabbit]

32. I am so sorry for your loss. xoxo nt

[ChisolmTrailDem]

21. OMG Mojorabbit, I am so sorry for your loss. n/t

[Mojorabbit]

31. Thank you so much! nt

[sibelian]

11. UH?

How could it be creepy?!?!?! It seems incredibly selfless and beautiful to me...

[Orrex]

12. It would feel very weird for me to receive a gift from my spouse's dead spouse

Apparently others are a-ok with this sort of thing. YMMV.

[sibelian]

14. Hm.

I think I would be grateful. And humbled.

I....suppose some paranoid, younger version of me might think "hhmmmmmmm! Is this deceased person trying to..... INFLUENCE ME IN SOME STRANGE, HITHERTO IMPERCIPTIBLE WAY??? HUH?" but I'm old enough these days to recognise the integrity of those around me, trust people a little more than I used to, and accept gifts that are meant in sincerity.

[Orrex]

15. Well, your formulation would be a foolish response, I agree.

I have lost people in my life, and I have moved on. If I were to receive a post mortem gift from some of them at this point, it would do a great job of ripping open old wounds long healed.

Again, your mileage may vary. For all I care, you can exhume the corpses of your loved ones and display them in your dining room.

[sibelian]

18. Not sure I'd be up for that last part.

[LiberalArkie]

16. I would have loved receiving a letter from my mom or dad or any of my friends who have passed on.

I would have shown me that they really cared and thought of me in their last moments.

[JI7]

33. i'm pretty sure they know that this was done when she was alive

[Orrex]

34. I'm pretty sure she was still dead at the time of the gift

Last edited Mon Dec 23, 2013, 09:42 AM - Edit history (1)

So the point stamds.
"Come and party with the people who failed to keep me from dying. And you, successor wife, accept this gift or else look like an asshole for the rest of your life."

No thanks!

[JI7]

35. ? do you think people who have lost a spouse totally forget about them when they marry someone else

?

in fact more likely they often talk about them. especially if there are kids from that marriage.

[Orrex]

40. No, I don't think that at all. Why do you ask?

But it strikes me as thoughtless and self-serving to rise up from the grave and forcibly reinsert yourself into your surviving spouse's life.

It's one thing for the survivor to speak about the deceased; it's quite another for the deceased to force conversation about herself.

[LanternWaste]

41. Remembrance with honor and love can often be perceived that way depending on the observer.

"...thoughtless and self-serving to rise up from the grave and forcibly reinsert yourself into your surviving spouse's life."

Remembrance predicated on both honor and love may often be perceived that way when perceived by the outside observer...

[Orrex]

42. A lovely sentiment, but you're simply making an assumption

And the assumption seems intended to yield a positive interpretation of the event.


That's your option, of course, but it's no more inherently valid than identifying it as a self-centered, intrusive act.

[Jenoch]

47. It seems you are taking this in a different

manner than most others. I do. Ot believe that Brenda's motivations were remotely similar to your thoughts on the subject.

[Orrex]

48. If the survivors had reacted negatively, would that be their fault?

Or would it be her fault for placing them in a very public and awkward position? The dead woman's motivations are, at best, of minimal importance in this situation.


The more I think of it, in fact, the more ghastly it seems. It was a terrible burden for her to drop on her loved ones, and it seems like a selfish act by someone unable to accept that life would go on without her.


I know that others here have chosen to put a positive spin on this, and that's their choice of course. I don't see it that way at all, and if someone gave me this "gift," my primary response would be resentment.

[Jenoch]

50. It would be interesting

to know what the family's reactions were to Brenda's wish. I will agree with you on one point, I don't think the radio station staff should have surprised the widower on-air with a video camera. They should have given him the letter and then gone on air with him if he chose to do so.

I would say that people's reactions to this depends on their own relationship with their spouse.

[Orrex]

51. Possibly, but there are other factors.

I would say that people's reactions to this depends on their own relationship with their spouse.

I brought this up to my wife yesterday, somewhat uncertain of how she'd respond since we'd never discussed this sort of thing before. She found it at least as horrifying as I do, and we swore then and there not to pull any shit like this on each other when one of us shuffles off the ol' coil.

It's not just about one's spousal relationship, either. One's own experience with gift-givers also weighs heavily. I have known people who give wildly inappropriate gifts (huge framed art, large and conspicuous decorations, etc.) that show how little the giver actually respects the recipients' tastes, preference or wishes. Worse, this type of giver makes a point of asking about the gift and expresses disappointment when it's not in plain sight during visits.

It's the imposition that keeps on imposing.

Certainly, not all gifts are given this way, but this gift-from-the-grave seems obviously cut from the same cloth.


This would be all the more true for a post mortem gift that shines a public spotlight on the survivors' reactions.

[Jenoch]

52. From what little we know about this story

so far it seems their reaction is not the same as yours.

[Orrex]

53. That's still not the point

The point is that the dead woman had no way to know how they'd react. Even if she could predict her husband's response, she couldn't guess how the new wife would take it. Further, she placed a hideous burden on her friend, who enjoyed the unenviable task of deciding when the husband had fallen in love again.

It's just swell that they reacted as they did. And some people like Thomas Kinkaide paintings.

[Jenoch]

54. We don't know enough about Brenda and

her friend and their relationship to get to your conclusion.

[Contrary1]

56. Evidently the step mom to be was not upset...

"...David said it took him some time to comprehend Brenda's letter, but he wasn't shocked by it. "I was surprised, but in a way, I also wasn't. This was Brenda. She had so much forethought before she died. I always love to tell the story. Brenda and I talked before she passed. She told me to meet someone that would love the boys and treat them like her own. I asked her how I'd know when I met that person. Brenda said I would know because she'd be there."

<snip>

Jayne's voice cracks when asked what her first thoughts were of Brenda's letter. What meant the most to her, she says, was Brenda's saying "she loved me."

"She said that unconditionally. I always tells David from the first day we met, I talk to Brenda. In my car sometimes we have a conversation about the family and I know she is definitely watching over us."

http://www.cnn.com/2013/12/22/us/iowa-wife-dying-wish/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

[kcr]

29. I didn't find it creepy, but also in the minority on this

I guess it's good that it worked out the way it did, but, I don't know, I would be afraid of doing something like this. If I truly wanted and gave my blessing for my loved one to move on and find happiness, the last thing I'd want to do is interject myself "from beyond the grave" like that and potentially reopen the wounds when that time came. Or even think that the the new love should need my blessing in that way. I'm not judging because going through something like that, I just can't even imagine, and I don't think she had bad intentions. I think it is very sad. But if a friend of mine was dying and told me to pass a note like that when the time came, I wouldn't do it.

[Nine]

37. I don't care for it either.

How much nicer it would have been, in my view, to simply write post-mortem letters to her family members, telling them how much she had loved them and how she hoped they would move on and find happiness in their lives after her death. Something like that. I can't imagine going on a trip to Disneyland arranged by my deceased parent or spouse and really enjoying myself.

I also can't imagine feeling good about this if I were the new wife in this situation. It reminds me of a humor website I read, Comics Curmudgeon, that always makes fun of the strip Funky Winkerbean for having storylines about a sainted dead wife who is omnipresent in her widower's life even after he has found someone else, and the new wife must always put up with the old "ghost" hanging around.

[scarletwoman]

38. Just so you don't feel completely alone, I thought it was kind of creepy, too.

I've lost two husbands plus my mother, so far. If any one of them had arranged with a fucking radio station to pull me into the studio to read me a letter two years after their passing, I'd be absolutely appalled and really quite resentful.

I very much loved the people that I've lost, and the grieving process for each of them was damn hard. What I don't need is for any one of them to be jerking on my emotions from the beyond the grave - especially in public.

In my view, what she did was incredibly controlling - a sort of emotional blackmail. If you really love someone, then let them go. Don't be giving them instructions for what to do after you're gone.

[Orrex]

39. I am sorry for your losses, and thank you for understanding

In my view, what she did was incredibly controlling - a sort of emotional blackmail. If you really love someone, then let them go. Don't be giving them instructions for what to do after you're gone.

You've articulated my feelings very nicely. Thank you.

"Controlling" is an excellent description. It strike me as a terrible imposition and not at all the "selfless act" that others here have described it to be.

Thankfully, my wife and I discussed this last night, and we're on exactly the same page. Neither of us will be delivering a post mortem time bomb to the other.

[Sheldon Cooper]

43. Well, I'm gonna agree with you and Orrex.

I think it was meant to be a nice gesture, but really, it is rather odd. I think it's the public nature of it that bothers me. If I was the new wife and was being put into this situation, I would be very uncomfortable. I absolutely hate having public attention placed on me, and would be mortified if put in this position.

Maybe the dying woman could have written a letter "To My Husband's Future Wife" with words of support, helpful tips, etc. It could have been given privately and been allowed to be digested at the new wife's discretion. Now she's been made a public spectacle and a certain level of behavior on her part will be expected, regardless of how she may actually feel.

I really do think it was meant to be a kindness for both the husband and the new wife, but it just seems manipulative to me.
Now, would the rest of you turds like to join me in the punchbowl?

PS - I am very sorry for your losses.

[Orrex]

49. Thanks for another thoughtful articulation

Now (the new wife's) been made a public spectacle and a certain level of behavior on her part will be expected, regardless of how she may actually feel.

That's it exactly. It's the very public aspect of the whole thing that freaks me out. Even a personal letter, delivered to the new wife privately, would have been weird, especially if the two had never met in life. How could she possibly not see it as an intrusion?

It strikes me unmistakably as a gift intended for the giver, rather than for the recipients.

[cvoogt]

7. beautiful, beautiful gift

/nt

[Ruby the Liberal]

17. That is true selfless love

Wanting the best for your family - and the foresight to express that pure love in the manner she did, from beyond the grave.

[pacalo]

19. Perfectly said.

[grantcart]

44. she is a true saint.

[Jenoch]

27. Brenda sounds like she was an incredible

woman. I watched the video and read the news story, this might be confusing to the younger boys, it might be confusing to the new wife, but I believe it was a great thing to do.

I am also impressed with the radio station and their Christmas wish granting tradition.

Edit to add:

We did not geta letter from my mother after she died. We did see her on 60 Minutes 5 months after she died. They were doing a story on the TSA and Lesley Stahl said 'they even pat down little old ladies in wheelchairs' and there was video of my mother at the airport. It was a huge surprise to my father who at age 76 was in the prime demographic of 60 Minutes.

[JI7]

36. what was your father's reaction

was it mostly positive ? i'm sure there is some sadness always since she has passed. but still seeing these things can make one feel good and feel the love.

or was it too painful ?

[Jenoch]

46. His reaction was surprise and amazement

and then a bit of curiosity as to when and where the video was taken. We never did figure it out. My mother had not been doing well and while the timing of her death was a bit of a surprise, it was not unexpected.

[xulamaude]

28. “She deserves it, being a stepmother to all those boys,”

Pretty much says it all.

[SoCalDem]

55. Creepy? Not creepy? It does not matter

This was a "blessing" for the husband/sons as much (more) and a welcoming gesture to the new woman. Whether their relationship ends up being forever, or not, this gesture sends a BIG message to the sons & husband that they never need to wonder "what Mom would have wanted".

When someone dear dies from a painful, lingering ailment, it's often memories of those days/months/years that remain in the forefront, and when a new person comes along, the feelings of guilt can prevent a family from forming new bonds...(out of loyalty & guilt).

I had a friend years ago who had cancer, and she wrote a letter to each of her kids and her husband (this was way before vcrs & video). She also bought gifts & wrapped them ..for the first birthdays & Xmas after her passing. She put them all in a big box & gave them to her sister ... The sad irony is that she and her sister died in a car accident before cancer took her. The sister's husband found the box and passed them on.