Kirkland woman found dead expected a violent end

[redqueen]

This is why comments like 'why doesn't she just leave?' make many people furious.

It's easy to speculate, and to blame women for their situation, because they so often stay with abusers. But the reasons for their fear are real.

Despite obtaining protection orders against her boyfriend, Amy Rene Hargrove had few illusions about her safety.

“A piece of paper isn’t going to save my life when he finally gets me, but at least you will know who killed me,” wrote Hargrove in a 2012 petition to King County Superior Court for a protection order against her former boyfriend, the father of her third child.

The 28-year-old mother of four was found dead in a bedroom of the Juanita neighborhood home she’d grown up in on Monday.

...

In Hargrove’s initial request for protection, she wrote about her fear and her resignation.

“I have come so close to dying due to (his) anger,” she wrote. “He has no control and leaving him I thought I would (lose) my life. ... He wants revenge on me because I left him. ... He will do anything to get revenge after I file this order.”

http://seattletimes.com/html/localnews/2022635408_kirklandmurderxml.html

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. May she rest in peace.

And I hope her murderer gets the book thrown at him.

[el_bryanto]

2. That is pretty awful

Sometimes it's easy to come to a quick diagnosis without fully understanding what's going on. Aggravating.

Bryant

[redqueen]

4. No one should ever say "why doesn't she just leave?"

Doing so only indicates one's unfamiliarity with the dynamics of domestic abuse.

And yes, that includes people who have been personally involved in abusive situations themselves, yet insist on projecting their own situation onto others, rather than learning about the way this occurs in other families.

[el_bryanto]

5. I agree that it's not best to say that

But I also totally understand why someone would want to say it.

But then there's nothing good about domestic abuse. Even trying to help out iits hard to know how best to do it.

Bryant

[Ken Burch]

7. It takes the average victim of domestic violence 6 to 8 attempts to finally escape her abuser.

When she has kids, it's even more difficult.

[Phlem]

21. I grew up with that.

and he focused it all on me. It was all my fault.

Until I realized it wasn't.

-p

[laundry_queen]

25. Not sure I'm reading your post correctly

so feel free to correct me if I'm way off....but I also grew up thinking everything that went wrong was my fault, that I was a horrible person, lazy, fat, selfish etc. In addition, my parents micromanaged me. I couldn't wait to get out because I could hardly breathe in their house. Yes, I even got accused of 'breathing too loudly' before. Nothing I did was 'right'.

When I was with my now-ex, he also blamed me for everything, but he didn't micromanage me. I felt free and happy. The other crap - blaming me for everything, or putting the responsibility for everything on me - didn't even occur to me, because I was so used to it. It was normal, I thought. I truly didn't see anything wrong with it.

He wasn't physically abusive either (my parents were), so I didn't catch on to how I was being treated. I had friends try to warn me about the emotional abuse and manipulation but I didn't clue in. He could be physically intimidating though, and threw things. Once he punched a hole in the wall and I told him I was scared. He laughed at me and totally invalidated my feelings. I didn't get how he did that, because all my life my parents did the same thing. I thought I was being 'oversensitive' to his tantrum.

Luckily (I say that now, knowing how hard it is for some women to get out) he left me. I was devastated. It wasn't until I found out from someone else what he had been up to that my eyes opened up. Then as I sought help just to deal with the divorce, it was revealed to me just how abused I had been, both from my ex and my parents. I really had no clue. It was quite the realization. I can totally see how some women stay in the situation - many of them probably just don't know any different, or perhaps their dysfunctional marriage is actually better than the crap they grew up with, so they don't see a purpose in leaving. It's hard to see the danger if you grew up immersed in it.

[Phlem]

26. My mother was a Filipino and met my step dad during the Vietnam war.

She didn't know any better. First day I met him he punched me in the face , albeit with boxing gloves on but what's a 3 to 4 year going to think. He beat my mom for trying to makes ends meet. I was sent away for a years or two. Didn't get reintroduced till after that but mom seemed to be free of the beatings and then there was me. I was back constantly yelled at and started showing bruising, then I was sent away again.

Then it was time for me to come back because he was getting transferred to the states. At least I had relatives living in the house with us in the Philippines that tried to keep me safe. But now I was trapped. the physical, verbal, emotional abuse continued and my mom thought that it was all good.

Discovered Marijuana at 13 which took me from a downward mentally ill spiral to a leveling off and manageability with the issues in the house.

At 16 my PTSD was triggered by him as he grabbed me by the throat, after a momentary black out I came back to consciousness on top of him a hair's breath away from destroying him. I was on the streets for a week after that till my mother couldn't stand it anymore and begged me to come home.

The physical abuse stopped but the verbal abuse went into high gear.

With all that was going on I wondered "why she just doesn't leave him" because I was way willing to go. I think she didn't because she couldn't deal with getting a job and driving. So I payed for it, my half brother and sister payed for it and to this day my mom pretends it never happened.

Many night were spent praying for help and it never came.

I knew what was going on at a young age and to this day even though I'm 48 I still do not trust any adults except my wife. I'm sure people had it worse than me, at least that's what I continually told myself.

-p

Abuse in any way should never be tolerated not even for one nano second.

[laundry_queen]

28. I'm sorry you dealt with that. ugh.

I find it interesting that you say you don't trust any adults except your wife. Until I had therapy I trusted everyone. I thought my parents were good parents and that my husband really truly loved me and I trusted him with my life. I found out, through therapy, that kids who are in abusive situations, in their development, have something go wrong. In children with normal upbringings, children learn from their parents' actions who is trustworthy, and who isn't. Those actions, in normal, loving parents are generally consistent and the child trusts their parent to show them how to discern different types of behavior. In dysfunctional or abusive families, those signals are all over the place. Sometimes you can trust your parent, but sometimes you can't. Sometimes they let people mistreat you and they don't stick up for you, sometimes they go over the top 'protecting' you from imagined slights. As a result, my therapist said, children who are abused have to make a choice - trust everyone or trust no one - because their brain simply cannot compute the abundance of contradictory information. You said you do not trust anyone. I, generally, trust everyone (well, now I try not to trust anyone, but it's hard!). In talking to other people who were abused as children, I haven't found this little bit of information from my therapist to fail me yet. Everyone is one way or the other. I find it very interesting.

Anyway, I'm sorry your mom found it hard to leave and that she put her kids through such an ordeal. I used to think my mom was a victim - she'd just stand by why my dad would hit me and I thought she was intimidated. Looking back, it's because she's a narcissist and she was putting her needs first - I was easier to control if she could threaten me with a beating from my dad. Several times she did tell him about normal things kids do, and I would get hit. Now, as a mother myself, all I can think is WTF? I would do anything to protect my kids. Thankfully my ex has been a decent father, because he had a decent upbringing. We have a 'no spanking' agreement and even after our divorce he's never raised a hand to the kids at all - he was pro spanking when we were together, but I overruled him on that - one thing I was absolutely adamant about as in if he wanted to spank our kids I would leave and I told him so. I don't get how a mother can't put their kids first. I just don't get it.

[Phlem]

31. Thank You laundry_queen

you are to kind. It's been so long it's more matter of fact to me now than emotional turmoil about it.

I just go through episodes of Hyper-Vigilance anymore especially with politics and how it tends to permeate our lives. My therapist says it's a gift but i don't know. Sometimes you can see things from far away that will happen but when you speak about it, your a kook.

"I'll take the Sans Verbal Abuse Option for a thousand Alex."

The one thing I did swear to myself when I was way to young was that when I grew older none of my kids would ever go through what did but not only that, also that they would receive unconditional love daily, absolutely no hitting at all, just encouragement, hugs and kisses at least 10 times a day and a smile whenever she needs my attention or for anything else. So how's it going?

She's in second grade and just asked Santa for a Chemistry set, coat, and goggles for Christmas all of her own accord. I show her how science is like magic and off she went!

I used to think my mother put her needs before us kids but also new my mom used to send extra money to the Philippines so I can see another trapping for her, but I have to live for me and my new family now. My past will not happen here.



Take Care my friend. If you ever want to talk I'm here.

-p

[laundry_queen]

32. Ah yes, the kook label

btdt. wear it proudly

You take care too. Sounds like you are doing great with your child. I made the same promise with my kids and they are all wonderful, caring, trusting and trustworthy kids. Even the teens. I couldn't be prouder.

Likewise, if you need to talk, I'm always a pm away.

[Jenoch]

27. I won't say that she should "just leave".

I will say that she never should have been involved with a guy like that in the first place.

[laundry_queen]

29. You know those 'red flags' you get with certain people?

People who have had dysfunctional upbringings often don't recognize those red flags. I didn't. It was only after it was all over and I started reading books regarding liars and sociopaths and other manipulative behaviors that the light bulb in my head went off. My therapist said when you are raised in a dysfunctional or abusive environment your instincts are overruled, ridiculed, invalidated and destroyed every day, and that leaves you with no ability to notice red flags. That's why so many women seem to choose the wrong men, over and over again. (And it happens the other way around too, as I've learned in my divorce support group).

[Jenoch]

30. Thank you for educating me.

I grew up in you standard WASP household in the 60s and 70s. My mother was a school teacher before she started having kids. Looking back on it, I can tell she was not always happy, but we were closer to Leave it to Beaver than we were a completly disfunctional family.

The odd thing is, my mother had a first marriage that was abusive in the late 1940s that I was unaware of until my late teens. Her husband left her before my big sister was born. The other funny thing is that I have never discussed this with either of my brothers or my father. My mother has been gone for almost six years and I still miss her.

[redqueen]

34. Thank you for this post. nt

[rustydog]

33. You'd be surprised how many so-called professional Emergency Room

Nurses and techs talk about abuse victims. "All they have to do is leave, there are social service agencies to help..."

These assholes who abuse spouses or significant others are so controlling.
They HAVE to be in the treatment room in the ER to answer questions for the victim, or they have to coach them: you fell, right?

It is sad when the victim takes responsibility for being assaulted: "It was my fault, he doesn't like spaghetti...H doesn't like a dirty living room, I should have kept it clean, it was my fault.."

It is a frustrating and sad situation.

[Ken Burch]

3. Horrible, but predictable.

My sympathies to all who knew and loved this woman.

And, before anyone else says it...Fuck You, "Manhood 101".

(the "men's right's" gender fascists have dominated the comments section at the link. Read those ONLY if you have a strong stomach and low blood pressure).

[redqueen]

8. Thank you for that warning. nt

[JJChambers]

6. Such a sad story

Reading her words is like hearing a voice from the grave. No one could protect her, not herself, her family, her friends, the police, our criminal justice system -- no one. She knew it and lived in fear every day because of this scum bag. I hope the rest of his days are filled with terror and misery until he dies cold, alone, and rotting in a jail cell.

[uppityperson]

9. huge sigh and :(

[Shrike47]

10. So sad. I've seen way too many of these. Poor children.

[redqueen]

12. That is a very good question. nt

[mountain grammy]

14. Well now, if he had a bag of pot on him or something.

I can never understand why someone who is an obvious threat to the life of another is out and about. Too many mothers have been murdered, too many children have been traumatized, or worse, killed. The signs are clear, the danger is clear. These are violent men with a history. How many more innocent victims?

[Danascot]

24. He's named in this article from the Daily Mail (?)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2537717/Woman-28-haunting-premonition-filing-restraining-orders-against-abusive-ex-boyfriend.html

[stevenleser]

35. She looks like such a kind person and he looks like a POS.

[kairos12]

13. I have found a better question

is to ask how can I help you right now?

[Warpy]

15. Abusers are 75% more likely to kill when s/he leaves

and that's why shelters try to remain hidden and have security and safety procedures built in.

Ms. Hargrove was wrong about one thing, he had perfect control. He used her as a punching bag but never socked a cop.

[Beacool]

16. There have been far too many cases like hers.

It's sad and infuriating. I hope that the rotten piece of crap rots in jail for the rest of his life.

I don't like guns, but I always said that if I was in similar circumstances as this woman, I would buy a gun and learn how to use it. Better him than me.



May she rest in peace.

[riverwalker]

17. outrageous

and the guy has not been arrested YET!

http://www.kirklandwa.gov/depart/PD.htm

[e-mail]

[Solly Mack]

18. K&R

[Mnemosyne]

19. K&R nt

[JDPriestly]

20. K&R.

[herding cats]

22. I bet the only time she felt safe was when he was in jail

And they never stay in jail for too long. While he's locked up she gets to pretend her life is ok, normal even. Then when he was being released--again-- she'd be notified, then the hiding and always looking over her shoulder would start all over once more. He's been killing her by bits and pieces for years and years.

Rest in peace. He can't hurt you anymore.

[loudsue]

23. But it will always hurt her kids. They are the ones who have to live with it.

The douchebag boyfriend is probably patting himself on the back because the police don't have enough physical evidence to arrest him (yet) .