A Peaceful Death - Aborting my son was not about when life begins, but how to end it humanely.

[kpete]

A Peaceful Death

Aborting my son was not about when life begins, but how to end it humanely.

“it was clear to me that what we were dealing with was choosing an end-of-life care plan for our son”


Sometimes I wish I had chosen to continue the pregnancy for purely selfish reasons. Had we not aborted, our son’s birth would have been noted, his death would have been marked, and our deep and long-lasting grief would have been acknowledged and validated. Instead, we chose to give our baby what we felt was the most humane, comfortable, and loving end-of-life experience we felt we could facilitate, a cause that on its face is championed even in the most introductory ethics discussions among new medical students.

Because of the choice we made to end his life, our son never got the chance to gaze up at his parents, to see who it was that had been talking and singing to him all along. He never got the chance to fall asleep in our arms, bundled and cozy, pink lips and fuzzy hair like a duckling, smelling of milk and baby, the very best smell in the world. Neither, however, did he have to suffocate to death at birth, his small body gasping to fill his woefully hypoplastic lungs. He did not have to feel pain shooting throughout his abdomen, grossly distended with urinary ascites. He did not have to experience one minute away from the warmth and love of my body. We chose, instead, for him to be born straight into peace.


http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/02/abortion_as_end_of_life_care_why_i_chose_a_peaceful_life_and_death_for_my.2.html

[Xipe Totec]

1. For Then

I want to die as the day declines,
at high sea and facing the sky,
while agony seems like a dream
and my soul like a bird in flight.

To hear not, at this last moment,
once alone with sky and sea,
any more voices nor weeping prayers
than the majestic beating of the waves.

To die when the sad light retires
its golden network from the green waves
to be like the sun that slowly dies;
as something very luminous that expires.

To die, and to die young, before
fleeting time destroys the gentle crown,
while life still says: "I'm yours"
though we know full well that she'll betrays us.

Gossamer Stories. - Poems by Manuel Gutiérrez Nájera

[eridani]

15. End of Days

http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php?date=2011/04/20

End of Days
by Marge Piercy
http://margepiercy.com/

Almost always with cats, the end
comes creeping over the two of you—
she stops eating, his back legs
no longer support him, she leans
to your hand and purrs but cannot
rise—sometimes a whimper of pain
although they are stoic. They see
death clearly though hooded eyes.

Then there is the long weepy
trip to the vet, the carrier no
longer necessary, the last time
in your lap. The injection is quick.
Simply they stop breathing
in your arms. You bring them
home to bury in the flower garden,
planting a bush over a deep grave.

That is how I would like to cease,
held in a lover's arms and quickly
fading to black like an old-fashioned
movie embrace. I hate the white
silent scream of hospitals, the whine
of pain like air-conditioning's hum.
I want to click the off switch.
And if I can no longer choose

I want someone who loves me
there, not a doctor with forty patients
and his morality to keep me sort
of, kind of alive or sort of undead.
Why are we more rational and kinder
to our pets than to ourselves or our
parents? Death is not the worst
thing; denying it can be.

[LiberalElite]

2. K&R

[WheelWalker]

3. K&R

[Maraya1969]

4. "We chose, instead, for him to be born straight into peace." I love that.

[fadedrose]

5. So long ago

A friend lost one at birth, my sister lost one at birth, and they are both dead now, with the babies who went before them.

In the case of my sister, they were driving and found a beat up mutt, a small collie, which they took home and tried to find an owner.

I don't know if Mary ever would have gotten over the baby, or her husband, but the dog, Queenie, helped her.

Do something different, take up a hobby, anything to take your mind off it. This is sad, and you have to realize that you did the courageous thing to keep the baby from suffering. Most of its time would not have been in your arms, but in a hospital with feeding tubes, no cure, for a very short time.

My heart goes out to you.

[DamnYankeeInHouston]

6. You have my condolences.

[Chorophyll]

7. K&R

Nothing else to say.

[angstlessk]

10. I find it no different than findng the polio vaccine...

I bet some even then said..."if God wants you to have polio...who is Salk to interfere"

Ethics? We are not talking about IQ..we are talking about diseases that debilitates a person for life..ethics...yes..do the tests and the invetro (sic)...and eliminate all the diseased eggs!

[icarusxat]

9. Thank you for bringing this part of the discussion to the table...

[YarnAddict]

11. Read this just a couple of days ago

This family made a different choice, and it's a beautiful story. I can't imagine this was easy, but they felt it was the right choice for them.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2552509/Beautiful-photos-capture-familys-10-precious-days-baby-Zion-knew-born-fatal-genetic-abnormality.html

When Josh and Robbyn Blick learned that their son would be born with a fatal genetic abnormality, they were excited about the days they would get to spend with him - even if there weren't many.
So when little Zion Isaiah was born on January 11 - weighing just 4 pounds and 7 ounces - they were [overjoyed] to welcome him - and overjoyed when he fought to live for ten days.

[dembotoz]

19. fought to live for 10 days--well that must have been a fun life for that kid

[justgamma]

22. That's so heartbreaking.

I know someone whose child had this and chose to terminate the pregnancy. They wanted the child very much and were heartbroken. It's too personal a decision to condemn anyone for making the choices that they did.

[YarnAddict]

25. You are so right

No one who hasn't been in their shoes should condemn, regardless of the choice they make.

[hedgehog]

12. I applaud this woman's honesty and courage that didn't hide behind

a curtain of medical jargon:

"The more surprising and hurtful responses, however, have been from people like my staunchly pro-choice friend who told me that she was jarred by my use of the word son to describe our fetus, as though the moral basis for abortion depends on denying the fetus any semblance of humanity, no matter how close it is to the point of viability, no matter how the woman herself chooses to define her relationship to the fetus."

[babylonsister]

13. I feel her pain through her writing.

Thanks for sharing.

[liberal_at_heart]

14. some choices are so deeply and profoundly personal there is no way anybody

can tell you what the right thing to do is. That is simply something you have to figure out for yourself. Some families chose to have the child no matter how few hours they will live, and others chose to end the pregnancy. Neither choice is wrong. Whatever is right for that family, is the right thing.

[DreamGypsy]

16. The fetal anatomy scan results suggest Potter Sequence (/Syndrome)...

...from the article:

When the doctor came in and started talking—“obstructive uropathy,” “distal urethra appears to be involved,” “very echogenic kidneys,” “massive bladder dilation,” “concerned about the baby’s lung development”—I could feel the exam table shake underneath me as I heaved and sobbed.

<snip>

After the ultrasound, we spent the afternoon talking to the maternal-fetal medicine doctors, along with the genetic counselor who is always called in after parents receive an unexpected fetal diagnosis. Our baby had what is called a bladder outlet obstruction, meaning that the urine that was being stored in his bladder was unable to exit. The bladder fills and fills with urine, until it backs up all the way to the kidneys, where the urine is produced in the first place. Over time, this causes the kidneys to become massively distended, eventually resulting in irreversible damage.

The amniotic fluid surrounding a fetus is made up of urine produced by the fetal kidneys. Fetal lung development depends on having appropriate amniotic fluid levels, particularly during certain critical periods of lung development in the second trimester. When the kidneys are damaged or the bladder is obstructed, lung development can be irreversibly halted.

<snip>

The essential facts were that he had extremely severe damage to both of his kidneys, to his bladder, and to his urethra, which drains the urine from the bladder. Because of his gestational age, it was a near certainty that his lung development had been seriously compromised.

From Wikipedia, Potter Sequence:

Potter sequence (also known as Potter's syndrome, Potter's sequence or Oligohydramnios sequence) is the atypical physical appearance of a fetus or neonate due to oligohydramnios experienced in the womb. Oligohydramnios is the decrease in amniotic fluid volume sufficient to cause deformations in morphogenesis of the fetus.

Oligohydramnios is the causative agent of Potter sequence, but there are many things that can lead to oligohydramnios. It can be caused by renal diseases such as bilateral renal agenesis (BRA), atresia of the ureter or urethra causing obstruction of the urinary tract, polycystic or multicystic kidney diseases, renal hypoplasia, amniotic rupture, toxemia, or uteroplacental insufficiency from maternal hypertension.

Potter's sequence is known in the medical field as clubbed feet, pulmonary hypoplasia and cranial anomalies related to the oligohydramnios.

<snip>

Development of the mature kidney begins between weeks 5 and 7 of gestation. Fetal urine production begins in early gestation and comprises the majority of the amniotic fluid in the second and third trimesters of pregnancy. The fetus continuously swallows amniotic fluid, which is reabsorbed by the gastrointestinal tract and then reintroduced into the amniotic cavity by the kidneys via urination. Oligohydramnios occurs if the volume of amniotic fluid is less than normal for the corresponding period of gestation. The fetal urine is critical to the proper development of the lungs by aiding in the expansion of the airways - alveoli, by means of hydrodynamic pressure and by also supplying proline which is a critical amino acid for lung development. Alveoli are the small sacs in the lungs that exchange oxygen with the blood. If the alveoli, and thereby the lungs, are underdeveloped at the time of birth the infant will not be able to breathe air properly and will go into respiratory distress shortly after birth due to pulmonary hypoplasia (underdeveloped lungs). This is the primary cause of death to Potter sequence infants secondary to renal failure.

There is another high profile case of a Potter Sequence fetus that has reached the newsworthy level in the last year - the pregnancy of Washington State representative, Jaime Herrera Beutler (emphasis mine):

In May 2013, Herrera Beutler announced they were expecting their first child. In June 2013, Herrera Beutler announced her unborn child had been diagnosed with Potter's Syndrome, abnormally low amniotic fluid caused by impaired kidney function which inhibits normal lung development and is often fatal. She is only the ninth woman in history to give birth while serving in the United States Congress. On July 29, 2013, it was announced that the baby had been born two weeks earlier, at 28 weeks' gestation.

<snip>

In a September press release, Herrera Beutler announced that Abigail was getting healthier. "I'm pleased to report that her doctors are happy with her progress and optimistic about her future," Herrera Beutler said in a press release. "Dan and I continue learning how to manage her day-to-day care while she gets healthier and overcomes her health challenges." She added that she would have to spend a lot of personal time taking care of her daughter, who is expected to be the first person in medical history to survive Potter's syndrome, but is hoping to return to the House Floor for key votes. The multi-million dollar medical costs for these admittedly "experimental procedures" for Abigail, who will later require a kidney transplant along with lifelong immuno-suppressant drugs, is being covered by Medicare and the mother's congressional medical coverage. In early December, it was announced that Herrera Beutler's daughter would be going home from the hospital, nearly 6 months after her birth.

While I congratulate Representative Beutler on her new daughter's progress, I think it is worth noting that not everyone has the financial resources, health care opportunities, and flexible personal time of a representative in Congress and, as a consequence, they may need to make decisions that differ from her own. For example, consider the situation of Phoebe Day Danziger, a student at the University of Michigan Medical School, planning to specialize in pediatrics. I hope Ms. Beutler will take this fact into consideration when voting on legislative related to a woman's right to make her own reproductive decisions.

[go west young man]

17. On a similar subject here's a baby boy born prematurely

at 28 weeks who needs help now. He has cerebral palsy and violent seizures. Any DU'er who want to help him get an operation can contribute at one of the links or please just share on your Facebook page. http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/let-s-give-kirill-a-happy-childhood/135183
http://kirill.ucoz.net/index/en/0-18

&feature=youtu.be

[tblue]

18. I can't see judging people for making this choice

It's not my place. Bless this family. What a poignant, sweet story. Oh my gosh.

[heaven05]

20. a beautiful, humane and compassionate post

my thoughts are with you and your whole family.

[Thinkingabout]

21. I wonder how inhumane we are in serving our needs rather than doing what is right and

Just for our loved ones. Though I have my physician's directive in place and four others with Medical power of attorney, my hope is to let me go and if possible to go peacefully. It is the right thing to me. I explain, I have already made the decision, let me go and allow me to be in peace with my victory.

[llmart]

23. Michigan voters need to get rid of the dinosaurs.....

in their legislature. I always thought we were a progressive state, but no longer.

This is such a sad story.

[Hekate]

24. KnR

[Stargazer09]

26. This made me cry

Not only because I understand everything she went through, but also because her experience is not uncommon, and politicians need to get their judgmental asses out of the lives of women and families.

[Gothmog]

27. Great story

This story was well done