Not Having Kids My Best Decision. No Kids No Debt No Regret

[TheMastersNemesis]

Kids are ok, but they were not for me. By not having kids I was able to largely lead my life as I saw fit. It also allowed me to retire at 54 and the last 16 years have been great. Last official day of work was April 1, 1998. Wife soon followed at 52 two years later after being pushed out of a health care company after 29 years.

Took care of mother-in-law until she passed at 104 1/2 in June 2008. Luckily she was quite healthy until around 103. She was still able to travel after her 1st stroke at 102. The 2nd one was the problem that left her totally disabled for 8 months. NOT having kids allowed us to take care of our mothers.

Having or not having kids is a personal choice despite all the society pressures. I see a lot of couples having kids because they seek some kind of ownership or love they lost or did not have. I also see a lot of fathers having hopes their kids will succeed in ways they failed. Of course there are good reasons for having kids.

Right now I see a lot of the younger generation having one or more children due to the family values mantra. That is fine but I see an economic system now that is actually anti family values and actually runs things in a way that makes it difficult to raise a family.

The biggest question I have is how these families are going to do in a free market system where work is very unstable and work life will be over for most by 50 when they need money the most. Today's brutal capitalism is very unfair to families. Families need breadwinners who can sustain a decent income over 4 or 5 decades. Today's business model is totally against such an idea.

Today I see more reason to not have children than ever before because we now have an economic system that is broken. It was hard enough for the wife and I to make when it was better.

[VanillaRhapsody]

1. I am with you....I never had kids either...

It was pretty much a conscious decision....though I don't know if I could have children or not....I did take birth control for more than 10 yrs...so that could be it too....

Not a chance to early retire though as I didn't get to finish to college until I was 40...and then the Bush years pretty much changed all my dreams of it. I am doing fine now but will still have to work until I can reach full SS. But probably the reason that I was able to succeed at college was the fact that I wasn't raising children at the time. But, I envy that you have been lucky in love and have someone to share all the time with..I have not been lucky in love (so far)....not sure if I will ever regret my decision. But for now it was the right one for me....

Besides I am according to my nephew "the greatest aunt in the world" ....so there is that!

[TwilightGardener]

2. The hardest thing about raising kids is not the financial stuff, or the limits that kids

place on your choices in life. It's the worrying--especially as they become more independent and you can't control their world anymore.

[TheMastersNemesis]

4. The Problem Is That Our Economic Design Right Now Severely Hurts kids Being Independent.

We may well become like Italy where you offspring live in your house indefinitely. Some houses in Europe have seen generations go through them. That is if you are lucky to have one.

It is common in some European countries where you kids, their spouses and your grandchildren are permanently part of the entire household and it takes the income of everyone to support it.

What our business leaders have designed make financial independence of your children less likely over time. Look at all the households where kids moved back in or have never moved out.

Let say it this way. Sorry, but our economy and work is ONE BIG F---KING mess. I worked for DOL for 24 years and the GOP and its cronies have destroyed the employment market. The work world is now nothing but chaos and the GOP wants to eliminate all domestic programs and labor laws.

They are waiting for power so they can crush everything. That is why they are destroying this presidency.

[TwilightGardener]

12. Well, yeah...I worry that my kids will not be able to sustain themselves and

raise their own families someday without a great deal of hardship. One's in college, the other is about to go next fall, and I know that's no guarantee of financial security either, from vast personal experience--LOL. If they had to, though, they would always find a home with me and my husband. That's not the worst that life can dish out, but it's not ideal, either.

[KT2000]

3. no regrets here either

the future has been stolen from the children as it is.

[TheMastersNemesis]

6. In The End We Will Have To Go Into Some Kind Of War Mode With The GOP.

They will never give up on the idea of destroying EVERYTHING the New Deal and labor laws brought US workers. In the end they will use force against US citizens who do not comply with the GOP model.

[frazzled]

5. I respect your decision, but I'm wondering ...

whether your mothers were happy with their decisions to have kids. I am hoping they were, since you took such good care of them when they needed it! I hope you'll also have someone to care for you when you're 103.

I'll agree that kids are a huge financial burden: we spent several decades paying for orthodontists and $100-an-hour piano lessons, etc., and are still paying off their colleges. But I never thought of having children as a financial decision at all (we're pretty bad at thinking about finances in general). Those years of them growing up, and all the fun and the anxiety it entailed (which still exists) were fantastic (and sometimes horrible). I must say that, in addition to feeling a tad liberated, we feel a bit bored now that they're grown up. Sometimes I'm envious of our friends who didn't have children, and I like to say we'd be well-off financially if we hadn't had kids; but I wouldn't do it differently.

I am for each to his or her own, and for respecting everyone else's decisions. Because there are definitely no right answers on this one.

[TheMastersNemesis]

7. They Had No Regrets And Never Pushed For Grandkids.

If you think you children will take care of you that is no guarantee. When my mother was in a nursing home I saw a lot of situations where the kids really did NOT care.

[frazzled]

9. Maybe I put that wrongly

Are you glad that your parents decided TO have children? (I guess that could translate as: are you glad you are you?)

Since childhood I always wondered what would have happened if my father hadn't returned from the war, or hadn't met my mother: I wouldn't exist. Which of course would be no loss to the world, but it's interesting to ponder still.

Despite raising two children, we have also taken care of our aging parents; at the nursing home, the staff commented on how they had never seen a son so devoted as my husband to his mother. And none of our parents ever pushed for grandchildren, either (my husband and I were married 7 years before we had children). Which is all to say ... having children or not makes no difference whatsoever in these areas.

There's no particular virtue in having children ... but there's also definitely no virtue in not having children. It's just a decision, that's all. I'm not quite sure why you are touting it here tonight in particular.

[TheMastersNemesis]

10. My Other Reason For Not Having Kids Was Survival. We Had A Very Tough Time Making It Through The

Years. It took over 25 years to get to some kind of economic security. We spent most of our time trying to make enough money to even retire let alone support ourselves along the way.

I never wanted children unless I was sure that I could raise them with enough economic resources to do it. Even when times were better in the 1970's it was hard. We wanted to do SOME living along the way. Economics was a big factor in that our jobs paid fairly adequately but my wife worked her ass off went through layoffs. Reagan almost cost me my job. After Reagan our agency was always under the gun to be cut. Eventually our agency was turned over to the counties. Had I not bought out my retirement 12 years early I would have lost my job. It took all our money to buy out my retirement. With kids it would have been impossible. He was a Satanist asshole and I hope he rots in hell.

I am also seeing a lot of seniors supporting their grown children lately.

[llmart]

60. My personal experience and opinion.....

Looking back on my life of 65 years I can honestly say that my greatest joys in life and my greatest achievement as far as I'm concerned are my two 40-something children. I always thought that if I found myself on my death bed, remembering everything from my life, it would be those moments with my children that would make me feel I'd contributed something.

Economic security isn't the most important thing in childrearing. Yes, you have to be able to provide the basics for your children, but what they need most is love, attention, security.

I raised a daughter and a son who are everything I had ever wished for in children. They are individuals who are hard working, loving, empathetic, nonmaterialistic, extremely intelligent, kind and caring. When they were small, their father and I barely had two nickels to rub together. They never went without what they truly needed - a roof over their head, clothes, good food and medical care when they needed it.

Having children is a personal choice. I do believe that there are many people out there that should never have children. My mother-in-law didn't have a nurturing bone in her body and she thought buying her two sons "stuff" would take the place of love. It didn't work; it never works. Her two sons were damaged individuals who could not maintain relationships.

[get the red out]

61. Bingos

These are common "bingos" directed at the child-free. It is assumed to be completely legitimate to "concern troll" the choice of not having children, but can you even imagine the RAGE that would erupt if someone were to ask questions like that of people with children? I can't even imagine someone asking a childed person "Are you aware you will never be able to save for retirement because you had kids?" or "Well, how are you going to make it once you retire and your 30 something kids become unemployed and move back in with you?"

It is not permissible to question someone about their reasons to have kids; but people who choose not to follow that particular life script are constantly questioned with "concern" (criticized) for their choice.

[frazzled]

64. In case you didn't notice

the OP was concern trolling that exact thing: suggesting that people choosing to have children would never be able to save for retirement or retire early. It was a very pointed post. If you can't see that, and that this is what I was responding to, you're perhaps a bit blinded by your own position.

I live in a world in which half the people I know had children and half didn't. There are pluses and minuses to both. But it's personal: and sometimes it's not even a decision at all. I see no reason for someone to start a thread, for no particular reason that I can think of, about the wonderful decision not to have children. This is private, and I see no reason to have a public discussion about it either way. It's not a political topic. NO: it's not. But someone started it, and I played right along.

Believe me, this was criticism of people who have children, and it is quite common these days.

[get the red out]

66. Perhaps I am clouded in my judgement

By having to defend my own choices so often. I read his as an open defense of his own choice.

[sammytko]

29. My mother told me that if she had been born a man, no way would she have had kids!

Back in the 1940s, getting married was just what they HAD to do. She said she would have finished school, traveled, enjoyed life.

She made sure we had the opportunity to do this. She is 90 and doing well.

We are lucky to have choices today.

[Pretzel_Warrior]

8. I respect everyone's choice. I love watching the little ones grow

And learn and gain unadulterated pleasure. As difficult as it is... Having my daughter and now my little son have kept me mentally young and focused on what's right with the world.

[cherokeeprogressive]

11. My Child (Now an adult; once a Girl, soon to be a Man) is my Greatest Accomplishment.

One that I wouldn't trade for anything in the entire world.

"I see a lot of couples having kids because they seek some kind of ownership or love they lost or did not have. I also see a lot of fathers having hopes their kids will succeed in ways they failed. Of course there are good reasons for having kids." What was for the most part a respectful and well-reasoned post was made shitty by those comments. Too bad. Well, at least you got the last part right.

I made many sacrifices for my Child. She (I say She because at the time She was a She and identified as such) went to private school while her Mother and I paid property taxes that helped pay for someone else's child to attend public school. I'm still looking to retire at 56-57 which is five years away at most.

So you made your decision and I respect that. But fuck if you're not disrespecting the decision of others. I don't know why people need to be like that.

[kcr]

51. I agree with you n/t

[JustAnotherGen]

53. Side bar

I love the pride you display in your child! In this post and the one up above! That is one loved human being! I needed a smile today.

[Hekate]

13. NO ONE should have kids unless they truly want them

It's hard enough growing up -- it's hard enough being a parent -- without the burden of being someplace you are not wanted.

On behalf of all babies and children, I say thank you to you and your wife for knowing your own minds and acting accordingly.

Hekate
aka Grandma

[joshcryer]

14. I'm practically raising my nephew.

It took a good 6 months for me to start having that paternal instinct / bond, but it hasn't changed my view on having kids. I've already made that decision for myself, so there will be no critters being spawned by me, as it's physically impossible.

Love my nephew to death and I've convinced myself I could be a good parent if I wanted it. But no, a 16-18 year commitment is not in my blood.

[safeinOhio]

15. No regrets here for not having any children,

However, big regrets for getting married twice. I'd have been a better father than a husband, most likely. I could have been a thousandaire.

[yeoman6987]

39. Good for you!

My only worry about liberals not having children is that conservatives are having them like rabbits. Soon we will be taken over by conservatives because trust me they are having children like crazy. I guess for now we don't have to worry, but for how long?

[PowerToThePeople]

16. well maybe

Many from this next generation will be raised with a new set of values, values that are contrary to what we have currently.

[cinnabonbon]

17. The economic system we have now

is partly the reason why I'm not having kids, either. It's intimidating, and I do not want a kid growing up in a place that is going to want to destroy them for profit, like capitalism is doing to people right now.

If we want to change the way the system works, we need to have the energy and time to change it. That requires some sacrifices, like possibly not having kids.

[Cha]

18. The best thing I ever did was have

kids. Little miracles.. works of art.

To each his/her own and to thine own self be true. Glad you're happy with your world, TMN~

Btw, mine weren't planned. Oooops! but, turns out so what?

[Dorian Gray]

19. I think people choose to have children

for many reasons. Economics may or may not factor into the decision.

I have one daughter, and I love her with all my heart. Work and money didn't play much into my decision to have her or to not have more.

But, like you, I've got friends who made the decision that they didn't want children and they are living happily, in their 40s, with no kids. And kudos to them and to you. It's difficult today. People don't always understand that choice. But if you know that parenthood isn't for you, then you've made a wonderful and very unselfish decision!

[avebury]

20. I have no regrets either.

I just don't see this country offering much of a life for future generations. The Republicans/Tea Party crowd speak with forked tongue. While touting family and Christian values they operate in a manner that is un-Christian like and anti-family making difficult (if not impossible) for many parents to provide for their children. We are on track to become a third world country which will end up being controlled by a militarized police force and in no position to really criticize any other government around the world.

[tavernier]

21. I received a miracle I never expected

twelve years ago when the love of my life, my grandson, was born. He was a premie and I got into trouble with the nurses when I reached into his little glass cubicle, my hand avoiding all the tubes and wires, rubbed his foot and said, "I'm your Nonnie, and we are going to have the best times together, you and me; so hurry up and grow out of there!"

Twelve years of ice cream, kite flying, baseball, Harry Potter, swimming, laughing, and sticky kisses later, I now know why people struggle with the job of raising children... it's for the giggly little leprechauns at the end of the rainbow!

[Bazinga]

22. Kids are terrible financial decisions,

But I'd give every dime I'll ever earn rather than live without them.

I got thrown in to the deep end of parenthood with our little boy, and did a lifetime of growing up in that first week. Our baby was born with an interrupted aortic arch that required open heart surgery at only 48 hours old. We went from proud parents of a perfect angel to wondering if our bundle of joy would even survive. By the miraculous efforts of a fantastic surgeon his heart now has normal anatomy and function. He has had 6 other surgeries since then, including one where the frontal bone of the forehead had to be completely removed from his body, reshaped, and placed back in. Through all this he is the happiest, sweetest, most active little 19-month-old you'll ever meet (by all objective standards of course ).

He was born 6-weeks before I started medical school. I was fortunate enough to be accepted to an MD/PhD program that pays me a very meager stipend with which I support my family while my wife stays home with our boy. Our below-poverty-line budget stays extremely tight, and will soon get tighter as my beautiful bride is expecting our second in August. But we have the very good fortune of knowing that our sacrifice is only temporary.

I'll be 40 years old before my training is over, my wife 42. Had we waited until then to have kids we never would have had them. I wouldn't be able to come home to hugs and kisses at the door, and football games and wrestling matches in the living room, and silly videos of counting blueberries "one, two, one, two..." because those are the only numbers he knows, bath time and bedtime stories, Christmas and birthdays, and all of the wonderful things parenthood brings.

Yeah, we struggle to make ends meet, but we struggle together. We're not waiting to be rich, or even financially secure, to be happy, we're happy now. And we're happier because the joy that our miracle baby has brought to our lives.

[frazzled]

34. What a wonderful story

Your deep pain and great happiness is what life is all about, and you are the richer for it. Not, of course, in the financial terms being discussed in the OP, but in richer in human experience: fear and joy and love.

It surprises me to hear people plan their lives around money: it's the least important thing in the world to me (well, it's important to have enough to secure shelter and food and clothing and not have to struggle, but it's not what I want my life to be about).

Keep enjoying your family, and congratulations on the coming addition! The rest will all fall into place. Rich or poor, you've added something special to the world.

[Bazinga]

37. Thank you, that really means a lot.

All the best.

Bazinga

[lostincalifornia]

52. Absolutely. They are our hope for the future

[liberal_at_heart]

54. Thank you for sharing your story. I agree. Finances have always been tight for us also, but

we are happy and whether you have kids or not that is the ultimate goal, to be happy. My son was diagnosed with autism at age 3. It was scary. We didn't know what he would be able to do and what he wouldn't be able to do. We decided to just enjoy our baby and whatever happened happened. We accepted him as he was and didn't care what the future held. He has been an incredible source of joy. He is so funny. He makes everybody laugh, and he has wonderful qualities like seeing things differently and thinking outside the box.
And he is resourceful and determined. He has grit. I am so proud of him and honored to be his mom.

[seabeyond]

23. i was good not having kids. no adult should if they do not want. but... i am appreciative

circumstance changed and i was afforded the opportunity, chance in having kids. i have gotten to live a whole world i would not have done. i have been able to connect with part of self i would have missed in opportunity. and if i did not have kids, that would have been fine too, i would be totally unaware i was missing out on anything. which in essence, means i miss out on nothing, in my reality.

i love behavior, and people. and to watch the development of two very diffeent human beings was a blast for me.

as far as the world today, in my kids lifetime i have seen a total shift of expectation/reward. it is a tad scary for the kids today. and i tell them, in all their brilliance, andswers will come to these problems, you all will find a solution, and it will be different than our past, but a normal for their future, however it works.

i guess that is a faith in humanity, kinda thing

[Adrahil]

24. I admit I was ambivalent about kids...

... I questioned whether I could afford one, whether I would feel trapped. Decided to do it anyway.

My daughter is my very greatest joy. She's an amazing young woman, and I'm GLAD I'm bringing her into the world with her values and compassion. She will help make the world a better place. And when I pass, I will know I contributed to the future of humankind.

But, of course, everyone has to make their own decision.

[elias49]

25. My 2 children were a product of love

not an economic decision. I put my 'economics hat' on when I look to buy a car, or when my wife and I bought our first house 30 years ago. I can say with certainty that you don't know what you missed! (And neither do I!) And with the recent birth of our first grand-child, I feel doubly blessed.
Raising my 2 beautiful children was the most rewarding thing I could imagine. May I die happy!

[ck4829]

26. This is what you're not 'supposed' to think about

Basically, I think this whole nuclear family thing (Which in it's context and numbers today is a very recent and very American thing) and the urging to have one serves a couple ulterior motives, one it gives you an internalized motivation to stay at your horrible job and accept whatever employers give you, and it also creates replacements for you.

The economic system we have today just isn't unfair to families, it uses them as leverage against us, IMHO.

[get the red out]

27. I have no kids, and no regrets either

I think the big problem is when people do something huge, like have kids, not because it is what they actually want but because they feel they are supposed to. I also see the "family values" influencing a number of people into having more kids than they can support.

I believe that the pressure to have kids (and let's face it, create more future consumers) is what has created this perceived war between the childed and the child-free. The more we can all be pitted against each other the more the 1% wins.

[RedstDem]

28. I set out on the same path, but..

as fate would have it, I have two sons, love them to death. but I do tell them to stay away from marriage and children, not only because that was my intention, but also because this world really sucks for bringing in a more little heads.

[Chorophyll]

30. "Having or not having kids is a personal choice despite all the society pressures."

That's the crux of the issue right there. If there's an issue at all. I don't think there is.

[LibertyLover]

31. I'm glad that you are happy with your decision

and even happier that you had the freedom to make that decision. That's what choice is all about. You and your wife chose to not have children, which is fine. Someone else chose to have children, which is also fine. I'm a parent via adoption, which too is fine.

[Sticky]

32. I have 6 children and I will always be poor financially

But having so many kids and connections has lead to very rich life.

I wish more people would think things through like you have. As a foster parent for 20 years I have seen more neglect and cruelty than anyone should ever see. Sometimes it really gets to me

[Vashta Nerada]

33. I will never have kids.

I have no desire to have any. If I want to see kids, or have the desire to see kids, I'll go visit my nieces and nephews.

[PasadenaTrudy]

42. I never heard

my clock ticking either. I don't think I was born with one. Knew at about age 10 I didn't want kids.

[notemason]

35. Raised two on my own

They are my best friends today and my greatest memories of the past.

[L0oniX]

36. No kids ...no regrets ...maybe I would have had I been in better country with a future.

[OutNow]

38. No kids, no regrets - but then something changed

I agree with much of what you write. I did not have any children by choice and never regretted it.

My second marriage began in my 50s. My wife had a son from her first marriage. He and his wife had a baby soon after they married. Suddenly I was a grandpa, and it is the best experience I've had in my life. My grandson is almost 8 now. And yes, I certainly agree that life is harder for the next generation because the economy is broken. My step-son has two part-time jobs and really has to hustle just to pay the bills. I've been able to fund a 529 plan for my grandson and I've been able to spend as much time as possible with him. I am so fortunate to have a grandson.

[Earth_First]

40. My wife and I will be empty nesters in two years at ages 36/37...

We discussed the possibility of another child, however with so many geopolitical/environmental events unraveling daily; we have decided that we will become empty nesters when our daughter enters college in two years.

[PasadenaTrudy]

41. Childfree at 50, not a single regret!

I don't like kids so I didn't have any There is a great book out, "I Can Barely Take Care of Myself." Should be required reading....

[Romulox]

43. The future looks bleak. Children are a selfish indulgence, to my mind. nt

[jeff47]

44. Children are how you fix that.

Children are how you make the future not be bleak. They're the ones that will fix it.

[themaguffin]

45. Do you have any children?

[Chorophyll]

46. The future has always looked bleak.

Children are people, in fact.

[Neoma]

47. To some people, not having children is selfish.

Doesn't seem like anyone ever wins out of this argument.

[liberal_at_heart]

48. If it's not for you, it's not for you and that's okay. I know the economic system

is not set up to support anyone right now other than the rich, but this is nothing new. Babies were born during the Great Depression and during the Plague and during the Middle Ages, and all kinds of horrific times. I was talking to my husband and my daughter just yesterday about the economic system. I told him and her that crises are scary, but are also a time for exciting opportunity. A few years ago, my husband lost even more sight than he lost before, couldn't do his job anymore, and he went through a deep depression. That was scary, but he has come out if it and is trying to start his own business. I told my daughter that things will get worse for her generation, but that it also lends itself to great opportunity for something different, something better. I was watching a lecture the other day by Richard Wolff. It was about what might emerge from this dying capitalist system we currently have. Maybe more coops will form. Maybe more employee owned companies will form. I tend to balance between being a very cautious and nervous person(I have an anxiety disorder) and being the kind of person who sees opportunity when bad things happen. FDR sure saw opportunity. Hoffa sure saw opportunity. MLK Jr. sure saw opportunity. For those who want to have children I see no reason not to. If children are not for you, that's okay too. My daughter who is a Millennial growing up in the middle of all of this still wants children, and I think that is great. I will do everything I can as a future grandmother to to leave a legacy and maybe a little insurance money to help out when I am gone.

[aikoaiko]

49. Any nieces or nephews?

Do you help them in anyway?

[TheMastersNemesis]

50. Do Not Have Any.

A lot of our time is spent supporting Democratic candidates and state reps. We are able to donate some to local campaigns.

[aikoaiko]

56. Its almost like having grandkids.

But yes, your legacy can be enduring by giving of yourself in many other ways.

[uppityperson]

55. It takes all sorts of us to make the world work. Having mine was my best decison, no regret

Why do you say 50 is when you need money the most, work will be over? I am curious.

[Iggo]

57. Having no kids was my best decision and my greatest regret.

And no, those two are not mutually exclusive.

[Politicalboi]

58. 53 no kids (lesbian)

But was still able to have if I chose to. Nieces and nephews, and I had a best friend who had a boy we watched for years, were enough. I liked to be able to spoil them and see them go home after a weekend stay over. LOL! But with the planet melting faster than ever, I would never have one now if I could. Although I never wanted any in the first place. IMO we'll be lucky to get another 30 years out of this planet with the world as we know it.

[snooper2]

59. Haven't had one of these threads in a while LOL, so, when you go

can I have your stuff?

[notadmblnd]

62. I had one child and retired at 45

We lost my husband when I was 45, our son was 10. I stopped working then to finish raising him. I don't resent my son. He hasn't missed any meals. We didn't go without anything by having him. We had a house with a pool and hot-tub. We had dirt bikes and quads in the garage. We went on vacation when we wanted to. In fact, there's never been anything that I wanted to do or anywhere that I wanted to go, that I couldn't take my child and before he started school, that included the office.

My son is the greatest gift that anyone has ever given me and I'm grateful for all the things we had and were able to do while we were all together. Our son has grown into a good honest man who works hard and possesses waaaaaaay too many of his father's traits. I know he's going to be successful because he's got the same charm his father had and it draws good people to him. It's uncanny, but I see my husband every day in my son, and I am thankful that I wasn't left all alone when he died. Because when you lose your life partner and soul mate, a big part of your own self dies too. Having our son, gave me the strength to continue on.

I have a sister who never married nor had children, she's 54, she still works. She's a Buyer so her job entails a lot of travel and having potential clients wine her and dine her. The perks are great and she shares them with the family and we've had a lot of fun at some pretty hoity-toity events.

So in the end, it's to each his own, I guess

[3catwoman3]

63. We have 2 sons, 21, and soon to be 24.

I was just shy of 39 with our first, and 41.5 with the second. Both guys were fortunate enough to be completely healthy. I remember life before them, but cannot now imagine life without them. Because of what OBs refer to as "advanced maternal age," (slightly better than "elderly primigravida, but not much) I had already had a very full and interesting life - traveled in Europe, spent 4 years in the Air force nurse corps (2 of them in Japan), and completed my master's degree. Because I had so much of my own "stuff" done, I did not feel any sense of missing out on anything when I had to focus my mental and physical energy on someone else's life.

I suppose one could say that there is an element of self-centeredness in either decision. Those of us who have kids know what life was like without them, which is not something the child-free can say.

[scorpiogirl]

65. I was never what I would consider maternal, but I

I have two kids and life was good financially. We didn't live high on the hog, but living the SF bay area, my husband made a good living. Cut to 2008 and our lives financially dropped out from under us. My husband was never able to find a job as good as he had when laid off in the recession. Add to that, a disc problem in his neck from our dog knocking him down and his inability to drive wherever the jobs were. He was (is) in chronic pain and using cannabis to treat it which also curbed his ability to get jobs since he didn't want to cheat. Though now in hindsight I wish he had. You just never think, especially after being employed for so long that things will get that bad that a decent job can't be found.

It's been six years and he has finally landed a real job. We moved to the Sierra foothills to bring our rent down, about half, several months ago. I spent a good portion of the six years wishing I had never been born, wishing I hadn't had kids because while life was good while they were little, it sucked more to have to tell your older kids that you can't pay for the little things that most people take for granted. We were on food stamps and so grateful for them, but in a way ashamed that it had to come to this.

It was the ultimate catch 22 in some ways. I was a SAHM for 11 years which I know contributed to our situation, but we sacrificed to do it. If I had never had kids, I never would have stopped working and wouldn't have been trying to find work myself as a person with an 11 year hole in their resume. I think without kids the financial struggles would have been easier or nonexistent. I always say I don't care what happens to me, but they are everything. Kids make you vulnerable in so many ways, it's scary.

We will get back on track, very slowly. Things will get better. We are drowning in debt now. When 2008 happened, we had no debt and some money in the bank from my mom's death. We never used credit, or bought frivolous things, or went on week long vacations. We lived well within our means and still it has been the hardest part of my life. I feel sad that I even had thought that way about my children, not because I didn't love them, but because I did and would do anything I could to keep them from suffering needlessly. I grew up watching suffering around me, I think I might even have some sort of sensitivity to it as it affects me deeply when I see it and it's everywhere. At times I don't understand how people can see this going on and still live as if it isn't happening.

I understand what you are saying completely. There is no good answer for everyone, only ourselves. Life is harder with kids, but the reward will be seeing them grow up to be good, empathetic liberals, who will do good things and speak up for others. This time will seem like a blip someday ( I hope!).