I just got punched in the gut

[kimbutgar]

My 21 year old son with autism just got a 30 day notice to leave his group home. He had a meltdown in Costco yesterday and had a meltdown because they told him he couldn't take pictures and he lost it. He vomited on a lady and she pressed charges against for assault. This was the final straw for him at ghe group home. He likes the home and staff but the executive director said he has to go. My husband and I are devastated. He's lived in the home for 15 months. We were bringing him home every other weekend. It was good for all of us and now we don't know what to do. The agency that placed him is closed for the three day weekend we are in limbo. A stupid meltdown has destroyed his life, and ours also. Damn autism strikes again.

[monmouth3]

1. Does he have a social worker? They may be able to help..n/t

[kimbutgar]

2. No one is reachable at 5 pm on Friday before a 3 day weekend.

[monmouth3]

3. I am so sorry you're going through this. n/t

[Stargazer09]

4. Hugs

Real nice of them to do that right before the long weekend.

I hope you can get them to reconsider their actions.

[Hoyt]

5. Hopefully you can get with caregivers Monday and work something out.

Maybe, lady can be persuaded to drop charges at some point (through proper channels of course).

[Tikki]

6. Hugs, hugs and more hugs...

The Tikkis

[hollysmom]

7. I can't believe you can file assault when someone vomits on you

I have been vomited on by total strangers and just asked them to move away. it was drunks in NYC - on the street and subway.my main concern was washing it off ASAP. Who knew I could have made their lives more miserable by filing for assault.

[mythology]

8. What sort of awful person would press charges for assault in this situation?

Have we really become so selfish?

I hope the situation gets resolved in a positive manner for your family.

[Skittles]

9. is the lady pressing charges aware of his autism?

it seems cruel to charge him

[okaawhatever]

10. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I hope something can be worked out. If this home doesn't

work out, remember the next one could be better. Don't hesitate to pick up a phone and try to find an attorney who will help for low/no cost. Best wishes to you and your family.

[dorkzilla]

11. My nephew has had MANY meltdowns, and mutters obscenities under his breath all the time

He yells at the other residents, too. I don't understand how the executive director could be such an asshole as to not understand this is "normal" for some autistic people. My nephew has been in his group home since he was 20. He'll be 30 in June.

The only thing you can do is wait out the weekend and talk to his caseworker on Tuesday. You've probably gotten through worse before, and you'll get through this crisis too.

[kimbutgar]

14. It will be a long 3 day weekend

We are trying to focus on being positive now but my son just came down and brought it up again.

[dorkzilla]

20. Yes, my dear, it most certainly will. And you'll get through it.

My nephew is obsessive too; he's called me nearly every night for the past 3 weeks to complain about an issue he's having at his group home, and every night I go through the same drill with him. It calms him down…for a while.

Just remember, you're perfectly right to be angry at the situation, and its perfectly okay to vent. It sucks. I used to have my nephews over for the weekend all the time--2 of my brother's 3 boys are profoundly autistic--and after 2 days I wanted to scream and cry, so I can't imagine how you feel. Its a damned shame this person decided to do something I don't think I've ever heard anyone do that deals with autism.

Does he like video games or anything like that? It may be good to get him engaged in whatever really captures his attention right now, just to get some breathing space.

[shenmue]

12. I am sorry

[lumberjack_jeff]

13. Did the director give you any advice for other group homes?

30 days gives you some time to work the issue. I'd start by talking to his caseworker and the person in charge of monitoring group homes.

Living in "deal with it mode" sucks, I know. My advice is to enjoy the weekend as much as you possibly can and work the problem on Tuesday. The director may reconsider by then or at least listen to reason.

In my experience, the group home staff should have been able to detect the signals before it got to that point. They're afraid of liability, and it may take some time for them to realize that simply evicting your son doesn't absolve them of it.

Good luck. Don't overstress about it over the weekend when you're powerless to do anything anyway.

[kimbutgar]

16. No advice my husband picked him up he got the news from the house manager

The staff was crying because they like my son. No advice was given we are just adrift wondering what to do and no one is reachable. I understand the liability issues though it just sucks.

[LiberalAndProud]

15. I'm so sorry this happened.

You have thirty days to figure this out. And you will figure it out. Not destruction, but definitely a little chaos on this St. Valentine's day. Maybe there is a group home that will be a better fit. I hope.

Here's a hug and my hope for better days ahead.

[kimbutgar]

17. Thank you

[kimbutgar]

18. Thanks to all of you for the support I am in shock

I already have an insomnia problem and this will compound it. I lost my job at the end of last year. Just got a job in the teacher substitute pool and now I don't know if I'll be able to work if I have to bring my son back home. The group home situation has been good for our family in many ways.

[Aerows]

19. Who presses charges because someone throws up on them?

I'd be concerned if they were okay, to be honest. Yes, I would want to shower ASAP, but people throwing up isn't exactly normal and indicative of good health. Damn.

[dorkzilla]

21. I'm sure the charges will be dropped when some enlightened person explains the situation...

I am sure NO ONE would want to be known as "the person who pressed charges against an unfortunate autistic person". Cooler heads will prevail and, as autism is so common these days -- we are all touched by it--someone who has first hand knowledge and can show them what an asshat they're being. I'm sure of it.

[Aerows]

22. You'd hope?

My goodness, if we are at the point where we press charges from people getting sick, we are in trouble as a society.

[dorkzilla]

24. I hope and pray with every fiber of my being...

and yet, even if the person pressing charges is talked out of their ridiculous position, I still think we're in deep doodoo.

[arikara]

36. I know, laying charges seems very drastic

My daughter got carsick on a bus we were travelling on, and barfed all over another woman and her kid as well as all down the aisle. I was mortified, but woman didn't even react. Truth was, I think I was more angry than the woman because my daughter had woofed down a bunch of junk then started watching the telephone lines and made herself sick just before we pulled into a rest stop. So instead of being able to get out and get a bite to eat, I spent the time cleaning up the bus and then the darn brat had the nerve to be mad I wouldn't buy her anything else to eat. The driver was impressed though, he said most people left the mess for him.

Oh well, c'est le vie... that was 40 years ago. I'm sorry about your son, maybe cooler heads will prevail after the weekend. It all seems very drastic given that they should be used to dealing with melt downs.

[Aerows]

39. I threw up all over my sister

and another girl I got so sick on the school bus. I don't know what the protocol is elsewhere, but the bus driver dropped the other kids at school and took me, my sister and the other kid home.

Talk about walk of shame

[Maraya1969]

23. I am so sorry you are all going through this. I have to say thought that

the women pressing charges against you son for vomiting on her????

As if he had some control over it? Please. When I was a kid I threw up on a lady on a boat and I remember my mother talking to her later and apologizing and the women being very gracious and trying to console my mother - not frigging charge me with assault!

[Liberal_in_LA]

25. sorry you are going thru this kimbutgar, hope it works out

[Tumbulu]

26. So sorry that you are going through this!

Hoping that it works out for the best in the long run, and in the sort run that you get good rest this weekend.

[ellennelle]

27. the system is broken

kim, so sorry for this. i'm a mental health professional (neuropsychologist), and it worries me how confused practitioners are about these profiles. autism is devastating, but managing its victims is not that impossible when you grasp the limits. a truth that holds for everyone and everything, actually.

question: is this group home dedicated to autism, or is it a mixed bag, so to speak?

the reason i ask, is no one with autism should be taken with a large group into a large and over-stimulating setting such as a costco without having one on one supervision, preferably by someone who understands the idiosyncracies of autism, and even more preferably, his personal idiosyncracies.

of course your son melted down; he was overwhelmed! stimulus overload! and of course, the minute anyone approached him, especially with a negation of his expectations (autism requires all expectations be met; they really cannot handle flexibility or adaptation very well at all). and no one there to understand and advocate for him, none of this was fair. at all.

can you say where in the country he is? what sorts of public support does your state offer? will his insurance cover such a personal advocate for him and his needs?

i wish i could do more from here. at the very least, if charges are truly brought against him, i cannot imagine any judge being so course as to exact anything from him. any judge worth his/her salt would reprimand the plaintiff here. but then again, we are living in the era of republican insanity, so who knows.

please, do hang in there. get on line and find a support group in your area, if you haven't already. it may take some time and patience, but these things do work out.

best of luck.

[RiffRandell]

28. I am so sorry.

I hope things work out...good vibes sent your way.

[arthritisR_US]

29. I don't think the charges will hold up, in the mean time they will

be a headache emotionally. Where was the staff while this was happening? I would look into what has change in the personnel of the group home. If there has been new staff introduced to the home it can create instability with the autistic. If they (the staff) are not emotionally on their game and take the autistics instability personally, that becomes krypton for the autistic. It, on the surface, appears to me that the situation has been mismanaged by the group home so when you speak to the case worker on Monday you may want to posit a few things.

Hang in there, I know it's hard

[SheilaT]

30. He has to leave a group home because

of his behavior outside? Why?

Without knowing anything about your son and his actual situation beyond what you've posted, it would seem to me that a slightly more sensible response would be to limit his trips away from the home. Not that I'm saying that's what should be done, but if I understand what I think I do about autism, it's changes in routine that can be a big trigger to meltdowns. Being in a place like a Costco, surrounded by strangers, has got to be stressful for many people who don't deal well with the "normal" world, meaning people like your son. And depending on how the telling him he couldn't take pictures was handled, well again I'm seeing something that can set someone like your son off.

I sincerely hop you can get this worked out and have a happy ending eventually.

[LeftyMom]

31. Maybe that's for the best. What kind of idiots take somebody with autism to Costco?

That place is so overwhelmingly loud and the lights are flickery and it's always crowded. It's overstimulation distilled to a high degree.

I figured out when my kid was a baby that toddler + Costco = meltdown, I certainly wouldn't want to take a tantrum prone adult man there. Jesus.

Your son assaulted someone. He needs to be in a safer setting.

[LiberalAndProud]

32. He's being charged with assault.

I doubt that the charge will stick. Nonetheless, I agree with you that the group home staff didn't exercise their best judgment.

[LeftyMom]

33. Intentionally getting your body fluids on someone is assault.

Usually the charge is used for prison inmates who fling piss and shit at guards, and at perverts who try to get spooge on women in public spaces, but spitting on someone is also assault. Intentional vomiting certainly qualifies.

[Shivering Jemmy]

34. I did not see the OP claim the vomiting was intentiona

Was that in a follow up post?

[LeftyMom]

35. You either have to be way up into somebody's personal space to puke on them

or you're the second coming of Linda Blair.

Considering that charges were pressed it's a safe bet which is the case.

If that's not what happened the OP needs to go to Costco and get the video before it gets cycled out.

[kimbutgar]

40. When my son has his meltdowns he is in another zone.

It has been at least 6 months since he's had a bad meltdown. And it's over something you or I would consider minor. It's the autism thing I can't figure out why?

[Shivering Jemmy]

42. Speaking from experience

Meltdowns are cumulative things. They are the end result of a long period of overstimulation. What seems like a little thing to you is really the last little thing it takes to push you over the edge.

[liberal_at_heart]

45. That's a good question. Seems to me there should be some smaller neighborhood markets

that would be better suited for someone with autism to visit.

[Common Sense Party]

49. Your empathy and compassion are touching.

Good hell. What message board is this?

[Change has come]

37. The provider needs to give you 30 days written notice.

If your son receives services through the Medicaid Waiver, you can find another provider and begin the transition process as soon as possible.

I work for a provider and can give you some basic advice if you want to PM me.

[flvegan]

38. Why is this "the final straw" in all of that?

To be honest, in my neck of the woods, pressing charges for "assault" for vomit in consideration of intent from a kid is going to leave you a laughing stock, subject to the ridicule and shenanigans of friends. Nevermind the autism.

[REP]

50. The "kid" is 21.

[Enthusiast]

41. This is just sickening. The Ayn Rand nation we live in. What a country.

[Common Sense Party]

43. I'm very sorry to hear that.

Our soon-to-be 21-year old son with autism is a wild card, so we're keeping him home with us. He still gets to go to the high school until his 2nd birthday, but after that he's here with us at home. 95% of the time he's be too apathetic to do whatever the group home program wanted him to do. The other 5% he's be pissed about something in the environment and freak out and hurt somebody. It's happened before.

[liberal_at_heart]

44. It's not your fault and it's not your son's fault. We have a broken system. It's the system's fault.

There is virtually no help whatsoever for adults with autism. Given how many children are being diagnosed with autism we will eventually have to deal with this and come up with better accommodations. Our autistic son is 15. We're still unsure what his future holds. He seems to be developing coping mechanisms that may allow him to be part of society although we're still unsure if he will be able to hold a job or handle the responsibilities of paying bills and having his own place. This has got to be so scary for you. I am so sorry. I hope you find another group home for him, one that will take good care of him and one where he can feel happy and secure in.

[msanthrope]

46. You are in California? Good. Get a lawyer..because you want to challenge the notice

and have a due process hearing. Your son also needs criminal legal representation. Was he arrested? Booked?

There are some excellent resources here:

http://www.sflawlibrary.org/index.aspx?page=121

[raven mad]

47. If there were any way to offer help, I would -

My heart goes out to you. Please take care of yourselves, as well as your precious son! Did not know what to say when I first read your post, but karma struck - I found this earlier today, and would like to offer it as a little warmth:



https://www.facebook.com/sungazing1

[kimbutgar]

48. Thanks for this.

We are trying to give our son agood weekend. He usually is pretty good in public and Costco hasn't been a problem in the past. The place that is hard on him is Target so he rarely goes there. We took him to a big mall today and he had no problems ( he loves malls).

I spoke to one of his therapists and she gave me some good advice. I'll be busy Tuesday after I finish my 4 day temp job.