Not the Onion: Mormons Declare War on Masturbation
Good God, they're serious: Mormons Declar War on Masturbation. 
Think that's the living end of self-parody? Read on:
"The enemy whispers 'Don’t get involved, it’s not your problem.' Brothers and sisters, don't leave the wounded on the battlefield."
The crazy is strong in this one!!!!!
Here's the actual Public (snark!) service announcement:
The "Guide to Self-Control" excerpt from the Mormon pamphlet sounds like pages from the Boy Scout manual of the 1950s.
Sounds like great recruitment material for the Mormons, doesn't it? All ya gotta do is:
- Give up all sex outside marriage
- Give up masturbation
Of course, the Devil can still send you 'wet dreams' and nocturnal emissions.
= new reply since forum marked as read
One of the worse ideas I ever came across. Not a stroke of genius.
What are they trying to pull?
Pinboy3niner, we need more puns...
I hope no one gets rubbed out over it. That could get messy!
but the box was empty. 
They seem to be sending mixed messages.
and if you shake it more than 500 times you may be playing with it 
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Two men with narrow ties alone together in a foriegn land 
This is a religion where you have to wear underwear even in the bathtub. And you can't drink coffee, let alone alcohol. And they have an attitude toward masturbation right out of the 1850's. Nobody wants to join this crazy-ass religion, so they have to breed new parishoners...
And that's not fair.
I just tell my kids to please, please, please, go in your room and close the door if you want to self sooth. It's disturbing when they do it in public, and this is probably the reason I always see little boys just playing with it at the pool. Not allowed at home. 
As a vegan, I'm not okay with choking chickens and spanking monkeys. 
"signature issue"
The Jugum Penis was intended to cure "spermatorrhoea", a Victorian-era name for nocturnal emissions. The device was fashioned out of a metal ring, which would fit at the base of the penis and was attached with a clip. Essentially, a bear trap for erections.
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/79094537177114201/
Yeah, that's a real good formula for a happy marriage.
And have lots of children you can't afford nor give enough attention to.
Cults come in all sizes.
What do they do about Big Os during dreams? Those are involuntary. And happen in both genders.
Guess Jesus just can't issue you your sex drive with your state-issued screwing license, called a marriage certificate. They're fetishizing a piece of paper.
A marriage certificate won't make your spouse love you, care about you, or respect you or stay with you. It has no magic qualities, contrary to the beliefs of the fundamentalists. Oh, and God won't strike you dead if you engage in sex without possessing one of those magic totemic pieces of paper.
And if you are a female non-virgin, boys will not "throw you away like a used Kleenex because you are damaged goods" as that right-wing nut Ann Landers used to write. She also said that in a movie we watched in high school.
That's incredibly shallow thinking. I believed that crap because my parents never told me anything about sex, nor did the schools, and there were no books around to explain what the male had to do with reproduction. As a female, looking at a cross-section of a limp penis tells you nothing about sex, and that is what it's designed to do--be completely uninformative about the facts of sex. They told us lies in their so-called sex ed movies.
ever have. Who the F wants clothes in the way for a good nights fun! 
I'm reminded of...
(you know who's).
That was the funniest thing I've read in a long time! 
