Quandary

[bpositive]

I went out with a few of my neighbors yesterday- four of us went to a brewery and had a really good time. We have gone out in the past and my wife and I have gone over there houses. They are fun to be with for the most part but after a few drinks some ugly parts of their personalities begin to seep out. All of them and their wives are republicans. Each of them has a real low opinion of black people- I do not share their views and have no problem speaking my mind with the standard republican drivel. I have no problem holding my own when it comes to the talking points but am truly not sure what to do about the racism.

I am struggling- my wife and I do not have many friends mostly due to our focus on our three kids ages 14 and twin 9 year olds. Since the kids are getting older we have found more time to go out.

Do we drop them as friends? Do we keep them as friends and ignore the comments? Do we keep them as friends and speak our minds and potentially alienate ourselves and lose them as friends?

This is very awkward-

Any suggestions?

[Warren Stupidity]

1. I draw the line at overt bigotry.

[Cleita]

2. I have no tolerance for racists.

I recently gave a potential romantic interest the boot because of his racism. Otherwise we had interests in common, but listening to his racial slurs turned me off.

[elleng]

3. Speak your minds clearly and kindly,

and let them decide whether to behave civilly or not. If they decide 'not,' let them chew on their decision.

[SheilaT]

4. Make new friends.

They are not the only persons you can possibly socialize with, unless you are on a mission to Mars or some such. It sounds as if you've already made it clear how you think about these things. You probably cannot expect them to change, but you don't need to hang out with them.

Where do you live? I'm in Santa Fe and you can always call me.

[bpositive]

9. I'm a long way

From Santa Fe - up here in CT. Appreciate your friendship.

Yeah, I know that friends are out there- just seems more difficult lately- everyone is so self absorbed with their families or their current circle of friends.

[SheilaT]

14. One of us may make a road trip someday.

Who knows?

It can be very difficult to make new friends as an adult. People often already have as many friends as they can manage in their busy lives. Just do the things you want to do and hopefully through that you'll start meeting new people worth hanging out with. I know how hard it can be as I've moved several times as an adult, most recently five years ago to Santa Fe.

When my kids were little it wasn't too bad because I could generally make friends with other moms. Nowadays I just have to try a little harder and realize that I still might not have the kind of friendships I might want, or would have had staying put.

[quinnox]

5. Depends on different things

like how much you like them, and other stuff. Maybe say you don't feel comfortable next time they say something like that, and they will take the hint. That said, its difficult to find "perfect people", we all being human with flaws, so that is something to take into account also.

[bpositive]

10. Agree

I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiment. There are no perfect people out there.

[LiberalAndProud]

6. Geez. Where's the fun in hanging out with people like that?

ot: I like your username.

[bpositive]

11. Well that is kind of the problem

They are mostly good guys, good conversation, and fun. It's the other part that is difficult to deal with.

Btw, my user name is a take off of my blood type. I always thought that it was fascinating that my attitude in life was the same as my blood type.

[LiberalAndProud]

17. I suppose when it's not personal, it would be possible to give bigotry a pass.

For me it's personal. There can be no overlooking. I tend to have almost nothing in common in Republican racists.

YMMV

[OriginalGeek]

7. Life's too short to hang out with racists.

I'd tell them straight up I have no interest in being friends with them and the reason is their racism.

I've done it before and I'll do it again. It doesn't bother me at all to hurt a racist's feelings by pointing out the disgust I hold for their views.

[cherokeeprogressive]

8. And what a quandary it is...

You went to a brewery and had a really good time, even though after a few drinks some ugly parts of their personalities begin to seep out. You knew they were republicans beforehand, because you've gone out with them in the past and because you've been to there houses before, and only had fun up to a point.

I'm confused. Four of you went out. You and your wife made up half the group. Yet you say you've gone to their "houses". So these were single homeowners you went out drinking with? No, that can't be right, because all of them have wives. You stated as much. It's just all so... confusing.

There republicans with a low opinion of black people, whose ugly personalities begin to seep out after a few drinks. Quandary for sure.

[bpositive]

12. Sorry for the confusion- long weekend, I'm tired.

Three guys and my self went out and the wives stayed home- they are going out another day.

Seems like a no brainer but my kids hang out with theirs and my wife, who also is aware of this, hangs out with their wives.

I'm hoping that maybe they can change- or at least tone it down some.

[surrealAmerican]

13. That's an important detail.

If their kids and yours are friends, you'll probably want to continue some sort of friendly relationship with these people.

You might try socializing only in places where alcohol is not a factor, if that would keep the overt racism under wraps for them.

[Wounded Bear]

15. I largely don't believe the old canard...

that peoples' personalities change when they drink. I'm more inclined to think that as people drink, they lose their inhibitions and their real personality emerges, less filtered, as it were.

Do you really want people like that around your kids, especially as they are entering their teen years, when many of their social mores will be solidified?

Definitely speak your mind. Racists and bigots thrive on the mentality that they can intimidate others by being boors. Typically, racists and bigots are bullies.

Archie Bunker was a caricature of a rather unseemly side of American culture. Bottom line is: he was an asshole.

[Cleita]

16. So true. I was a bartender and knew that after a couple of drinks, even beers, the masks

fall and the true personality emerges, warts and all. It just depends on which warts don't bother you.

Actually, bpositive should go back to the beer place or another one, with his wife for a couple of brews and a hamburger for happy hour or TGIF or a Saturday night date. They stand a good chance of meeting nice couples in those places that are upscale and not dives that have a casual atmosphere. Beer bars are actually good social places to meet nice people you would never otherwise.

Not everyone who enjoys a nice social drink is an alcoholic and a lot of nice people go out as a couple for an social evening. Not everyone is an axe murderer and you can take your time getting to know them before you invite them into your life. I'm sorry I didn't think of saying this to bpositive in my post above.

[Avalux]

18. Can you ignore the comments and feel good about being in their company?

Bottom line - if time spent with them makes you feel awkward or just 'not right' in any way, what's the point? They're not worth having as friends if you have to compromise your own integrity and personal beliefs when you're around them. I know it's difficult to have friends when most of your time is spent focused on raising kids, but that's not an excuse to keep ugly ones (ugly inside) around just because it's convenient.

[bpositive]

19. Interesting

This was my first instinct but I find my wife and I dropping friends from our circle but struggling to replace. Another friend, who also happens to be a neighbor, had no problem belittling his wife and came off as a bully to his wife and kids so we stopped hanging with him. We had really good friends that we hung with for years- they had children the same age as ours. The father helped create a little brat and one day when we were on vacation with them at Disney he ended up hitting his little girl with his hand- it was tough to explain to my children and we ended up no longer friends.

I'm sure that I will figure out the best path to take but it is nice to see opinions from others. Thanks