My wife was murdered by a 'monster' – but most perpetrators of violence are normal men

[magical thyme]

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/apr/18/my-wife-was-murdered-by-a-monster-but-most-perpetrators-of-violence-are-normal-guys

Tom Meagher for White Ribbon Ireland
theguardian.com, Friday 18 April 2014 00.52 EDT


....By insulating myself with the intellectually evasive dismissal of violent men as psychotic or sociopathic aberrations, I self-comforted by avoiding a more terrifying concept: that violent men are socialised by the ingrained sexism and entrenched masculinity that permeates everything, from our daily interactions all the way up to our highest institutions. Bayley’s appeal was dismissed, but I left court that day in a perpetual trauma-loop, knowing I needed to re-imagine the social, institutional and cultural context in which a man like Bayley exists...

...While the vast majority of men abhor violence against women, those dissenting male voices are rarely heard in our public discourse outside of the "monster-rapist" narrative. Indeed, the agency of male perpetrators disappears from the discussion, discouraging male involvement and even knowledge of the prevalence and diversity of male violence against women. Even the term "violence against women" sounds like a standalone force of nature, with no subject, whereas "men’s violence against women" is used far less frequently....

....The monster myth allows us to see public infractions on women’s sovereignty as minor, because the man committing the infraction is not a monster like Bayley. We see instances of this occur in bars, when men become furious and verbally abusive when women decline their attention. We see it on the street as groups of men shout comments, grab, grope and intimidate women, with friends either ignoring or getting involved in the activity. We see it in male peer groups, where rape-jokes and disrespectful attitudes towards women go uncontested.

The monster myth creates the illusion that this is simply banter, sexist horseplay. While most of us would never abide racist comments among a male peer-group, the trivialisation of men’s violence against women often remains a staple, invidious, and rather boring subject of mirth. We can either examine this by setting our standards against the monster-rapist, or by accepting that this behaviour intrinsically contributes to a culture in which rape and violence are allowed to exist....


An excellent, excellent read by someone who's young wife was raped and murdered 18 months ago by a convicted, repeat rapist out on parole.

[magical thyme]

1. Jill Meagher husband: forget the lone monster myth, society has a role in rape

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/apr/18/jill-meagher-husband-forget-the-lone-monster-myth-society-has-a-role-in

Men need to break their silence on the root societal causes of male violence against women rather than perpetuate a “monster myth” that merely places blame upon evil individuals, according to Tom Meagher...

...Meagher said this “monster myth” allows men to overlook the root causes of violence perpetrated against women, or even to blame women for being assaulted.

“We see instances of this occur in bars when men become furious and verbally abusive to, or about, women who decline their attention,” he said.

“We see it on the street as groups of men shout comments, grab, grope and intimidate women with friends either ignoring or getting involved in the activity....

Companion article. Excellent synopsis.

[Warpy]

2. Some people are just too dangerous to be let out of prison

Serial rapists are one variety. Serial white collar criminals are another, but don't hold your breath waiting for that bunch to get prison time.

Our justice system needs an overhaul so that it focuses on public safety instead of retribution.

Tom Meagher is correct, misogyny and violence against women are deeply ingrained into our culture as a whole and especially in masculine culture. I've said for a long time that it's a man's problem, that women are only the objects they choose to abuse, and that only men can solve this problem.

So far, most of them seem disinclined. Meagher is one of too few men's voices about this.

[SaveOurDemocracy]

3. Jinks! ;)

[magical thyme]

5. took me a minute to figure out your meaning...

There but for that extra minute of procrastination go I...

[SaveOurDemocracy]

7. An old kids game when 2 people say the same thing at once.

[sabrina 1]

6. I see a contradiction in this article:

While the vast majority of men abhor violence against women,

That is certainly a true statement, at least in most Western Societies. And I am assuming the vast majority of women abhor violence against women, or anyone else for that matter.

So how then can we blame a whole society which, it is admitted opposes violence against women, for promoting it?

I lost someone very close to me in a tragic accident. I don't recall blaming all drivers for being responsible for the actions of that one driver. Maybe I was wrong, maybe all drivers are responsible even those who have driven carefully, a majority btw, all their lives for the actions of the actual guilty parties.

[magical thyme]

9. it's in his article.

Re-think what you said about the driving accident. It was an *accident.* Maybe careless; maybe negligance, I don't know the details. But the driver did not set out to injure or kill anybody.

And for a long time, society did tolerate drunk driving. It wasn't until there was a strong public outcry that laws were made and started to be enforced.

The author is writing about the tolerance of the low-end of violence -- eg, verbal violence -- against women that permeates western society.

"But something about his ability to weave together nouns, verbs and pronouns to form intelligible sentences forced a re-focus – one that required a look at the spectrum of men’s violence against women, and its relation to Bayley and the society from which he came."

"I self-comforted by avoiding a more terrifying concept: that violent men are socialised by the ingrained sexism and entrenched masculinity that permeates everything, from our daily interactions all the way up to our highest institutions."

Men who may feel uncomfortable by a peer’s behaviour towards women may absolve themselves from interfering with male group norms, or breaking ranks with the boys, by normalising that conduct in relation to "the rapist". In other words, he can justify his friend’s behaviour by comparison – “he may be a ___, but he’s not Adrian Bayley.”

The monster myth allows us to see public infractions on women’s sovereignty as minor, because the man committing the infraction is not a monster like Bayley. We see instances of this occur in bars, when men become furious and verbally abusive when women decline their attention. We see it on the street as groups of men shout comments, grab, grope and intimidate women, with friends either ignoring or getting involved in the activity. We see it in male peer groups, where rape-jokes and disrespectful attitudes towards women go uncontested.

[nomorenomore08]

12. When we tolerate a certain measure of abusive behavior, that tends to encourage worse.

Of course confronting strangers is often dangerous, but we don't have to do that to discourage abuse - it's often closer to home.

[redqueen]

8. "whereas "men’s violence against women" is used far less frequently"

I've seen "male violence" used, too.

K&R

[AtheistCrusader]

10. Interesting.

I use the term slightly differently. I don't reserve it for creatures like Bayley. My father hit my mother, once. Just one time. I can and do define and refer to him (today, his memory), as a monster. Granted, he was verbally abusive, and emotionally controlling as well as that one instance of physical violence, but still. I don't think it only applies to, say, those that carry it to the extreme of murder. It applied to my father as well. A horrendous man, if you can call him a man at all.

A legacy I am proud not to carry forward with me.




"The truth is that domestic violence and violence against women touch many of us. This violence is not a private matter. Behind closed doors it is shielded and hidden and it only intensifies. It is protected by silence – everyone's silence. Violence against women is learned. Each of us must examine - and change - the ways in which our own behavior might contribute to, enable, ignore or excuse all such forms of violence. I promise to do so, and to invite other men and allies to do the same." -Sir Patrick Stewart

[hue]

11. Tom Meagher is suffering, and rightly so, from PTSD

His wife's rapist and murderer definitely is a monster. I can't imagine how he was granted parole! Whoever enabled Bayley to be out in the public should be held co-responsible for this crime!
Those making the decision to allow criminals to be free to commit crimes need to be educated or re-educated and held responsible for their decisions.
In Tom Meagher's search for meaning, understanding and coping with His terrific loss (the horrific rape & murder) of His beloved Wife He focuses blame on societal sexist behaviors. Yet a particular person or group of those in the parole system made the decision to allow Bayley access to His wife and are not being held responsible.
I'm not saying there is not wide spread accepted and hushed violence at many levels against women. This exists, has existed, in most societies since pre-history I think.
Yet there are many good men, Tom Meagher being one of them. I think the use of the words "normal men" creates a mental construct that makes it almost impossible to deal with the problem. And how much responsibility do women have for tolerating such behavior?
Those people who abuse others are sick, grossly insecure, and this speaks of the way in which ALL members of our society are raised and what our norms are. It is a deeply complex issue and the behaviors will not be diminished or extinguished until our understanding and nurturing/raising of our children change. I don't believe a child/baby is born "bad" or a monster. Something happens and is missing during the child's life that nurtures the monster. I mean, animals do not treat each other the way some humans treat each other.

[Violet_Crumble]

14. Bayley should never have been out on parole, and changes were made after that...

It won't bring Jill Meagher back, nor would it probably be much comfort to her husband, and I remember reading the Parole Board issued a formal apology to Tom Meagher. So they should have, because I also remember him saying that they totally ignored him when he sent them questions about how it could have happened. But I'm pretty angry that Bayley's sentence for the murder of Jill Meagher was life with parole. If anyone deserved the most severe sentence of life without parole, it's him...

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/adrian-bayley-should-not-have-been-on-parole-ian-callinan-20130820-2s8bt.html

I think Adrian Bayley is both a monster and a 'normal person', but I view him mainly as a monster. It's like the guy who was friends with my best friend when my daughter was a baby. He was normal, but about a year after that he was arrested for molesting my best friends niece, and I've viewed him as a monster ever since.

[Liberal_in_LA]

13. kick

[mythology]

15. I don't agree that the guy who murdered his wife was a monster

Obviously he committed monstrous acts, but at the same time, I think most of us are capable of committing far worse acts that we'd like to believe. I think we use the term monster because we want to distance ourselves from those other people who do bad things.

As the articles I'm linking to below point out, a substantial number of rapists don't view themselves as rapists. In the second link, it points to perpetrators of domestic violence likewise live in denial of what they are.

http://sapac.umich.edu/article/196

http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/7/1/65.full

I think that if instead we recognize our own internal capacity for violence, we can better begin to understand what prompts one person to cross the line from potential to actual perpetrator. As the victim of emotional abuse, I try to be very aware of my potential triggers and make a point to always walk away rather than risk crossing the line into the same territory my dad would.

[nomorenomore08]

16. "If instead we recognize our own internal capacity for violence, we can better begin to understand

what prompts one person to cross the line." This. I'm a big believer in the necessity of recognizing one's own darker side, for the purpose of bettering both self and (hopefully) others.